Monday, 2 March 2009

Rendering Plants Needed Sooner Than Planned


Government plans to build fat rendering plants to process obese people into biodiesel and animal feed are to be brought forward as pressure mounts from local councils and others such as funeral directors and the Association of Public Crematoria Operators.

Councils have started to charge fat people more for space in their cemeteries. The NHS are having to buy especially strengthened ambulances and have started to weld beds together. Funeral Directors are advertising for bodybuilders to act as pall bearers. Whole forests are being decimated to build coffins, some of which have to be contracted out to shipyards like Harland and Wolff.

And a spokesperson for ACPO said that they had applied to central government for emergency funds so that they can make the furnace doors bigger at their crematoria. "Some of these fuckers are ginormous! We just can't fit them through the doors - we're looking at having to spend millions getting new equipment in from America, no-one in the UK has anything like big enough."

Alan Johnson said he was busy getting on with the job of keeping out of the way.

The Penguin

12 comments:

Oldrightie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Oldrightie said...

All part of the globalisation of food production. The waste has to be fed to something.

02 March 2009 12:42

Anonymous said...

How does someone that fat wipe their own archie, or do they have some poor imgant doing it?

polaris said...

How do you get like that? No really, just how the fuck do you get to that size? Is it just one more wafer thin mint and you go from "Could do with losing a few pounds" to losing wild animals in the folds of your skin?

Stop eating mountains of shit every day, that might help...

Render them? The transport costs would make that economically impractical.

IUnknown said...

"It's all in the glands" some porker said to me recently.

"Oh really?", I replied, "So it's got nothing to do with the continual snacking of crips, chocolates, chips, pita bread wraps, spring rolls, glasses of coke, dips, pizza slices and cheese in between your 3 token salads a day then?"

Stop Hitting Me Officer said...

Chuffing fascinating pseudo-documentary on the idiot-box a few weeks back. Some American teenager who weighed (probably still weighs) 900lbs or so. His mother was in tears - as she prepared his food and carried it to him. She was in tears - as she went around the supermarket collecting up his junk food and taking it home for him. She was in tears - as she stopped on the way home from food shopping, and I kid you not, to get him a double wotsit burger plus multi-fries and giant shake.

Once you get to that size it takes at least two to tango. Personally I'd have put a juicy lettuce further and further away from him each day and stuck a sign in it reading "go fetch".

To answer your question A. Nonymous - the teenager in question was in nappies and yes, his mother changed them.

I haven't eaten since.

Chalcedon said...

That kid will be dead at 30 yrs. That's just self abuse.

The Refuser said...

Chalcedon I believe he is already dead. I am fairly sure he appeared in a BBC South East documentary about fattos and subsequently snuffed it. he suffered from Prader-Willi syndrome according to Al-BEEB

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/sussex/6658905.stm

The Penguin said...

Lucky for Prezza he developed bulimia, I suppose....

Bill d 'Sarse said...

Soylent Green

A much better idea.

Anonymous said...

Cant they just be cut up and placed in tesco bags before being cremated? Okay, some may moan its not dignified but fuck it, living like a human dustbin is not dignified either.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

Staple their lips up and get 'em working on a treadmill linked up to the National Grid.