Monday, 26 January 2009
Lady Royall Investigates Lord Bricktop of Blackburn
Lady Royall, fragrant leaderess of the unelected chamber of the Houses of Parliament, whose glittering career has made her completely unknown even with the Great Pigsty, calls Lord Bricktop of Blackburn to her office for a little chat about the unfortunate publicity that has occurred.
Lady Royall: "Now, Lord Bricktop, what is all this about you being prepared to have legislation amended for £120,000 in used notes?"
Bricktop: "Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me. "
Lady Royall: "I was a special adviser to Neil Kinnock, so I certainly know what a cunt is. Now, about these allegations?"
Bricktop: "You're on thin fucking ice my pedigree chum, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off."
Lady Royall: "There's no need to take that tone with me, Lord Bricktop. It's my job to find out if there are any skeletons in the cupboard which might embarrass Gordon. He needs to know where the bodies are buried!"
Bricktop: "Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".
Lady Royall: "Well, thank you for clearing that up, Lord Bricktop."
Posted by Hacked Off at 14:20