Tony Blair's Washington Speech (The God Botherer)

"Good Morning, And God Bless America. I'd like to start, if I may, by thanking President Barack Obama, my new best friend, for giving me this chance to speak to you all and thus publically demonstrate to everyone and especially my old friend Gordon just who is important and who is second rate and always will be.

Secondly, I want to praise the Lord and set the record straight on my devotion to God and all his children - except of course, those in Iraq, Afghanistan, Sierra Leone, Kosovo, and Serbia that I may inadvertently have helped to slaughter. I was first overcome with the Holy Spirit when I was just an innocent child, had hardly learnt to wank properly, and my poor old father had a stroke. My mother sent me off to school to get me out of the way, and when my teacher was told about my father, he said he would pray for him. So I told him that my father didn't believe in God, and he said more fool him, that's why God has struck the sinner down. That was quite a lesson!

So when things started to go tits up when I was President of England, and the shit was hitting the fan over all the lies I had told and the dodgy dossier and cash for honours, I suddenly thought, Hey Tony, you need to get in with the big Man, and so I went to see the Arch Cardinal Bishop of Westminster to get some free get out of jail vouchers. Of course, I had to sneak around the houses as I didn't want to frighten the voters by doing the God thing, some of them were already calling me Phoney Tony the ungrateful bastards, so I kind of kept it all a bit hush hush
until it was time to bail out and leave sad old Gordon to carry the can.

Then of course I could take up my appointment with the Pope, get absolution for all the wicked things I'd done, and now of course I'm purer than pure, and God's Own Peace Envoy to the Middle East in my spare time from the rubber chicken speaking dinners and the directors meetings at J P Morgan of course, got to look after the body as well as the soul.

Anyway, that's quite enough of me - unless you're paying, so God Bless America!"

The Penguin.