Little Alfie Patten is distraught that some nasty bigger boys are claiming to have shagged the arse off his beloved Chantelle, 15 year old mother to benefits ticket Maisie, and may indeed be the father.
Max Clifford is equally distraught on behalf of his young client, as he can see tabloid scoops drifting away if the DNA tests prove that Alfie's balls have yet to drop.
Chantelle, who bears an amazing likeness to Karen Matthews, is claiming that she only had sex the one time with little Alfie, and that they did take precautions in that she tied his ankle to the leg of the bed.
Gordon Brown's spokesperson said that it showed that his policy of British Bastards for British Chavs was the right thing to do. "Soon there will be a new growth industry, as families of hard-drinking chavs set their pre-pubescent children to work making babies. Getting on with the job!"