Sunday, 1 February 2009

Gordon Seeks Help



"Hello, Peter, Gordon here. I wanted to ask for your advice, and, well, help, if you would be so good."

"Gordon, how lovely to hear your voice. Tell me, what is bothering you this morning?"

"Well, it's those wildcat strikes, Peter. The bloody bastards are holding up placards saying British Jobs for British Workers, which I said at the conference, but of course, I didn't mean it like that!"

"What did you mean by it?"

"I meant to grab a headline, of course, and wrong foot the fucking Tory bastards so they couldn't bang on about all the immigrants getting all the jobs!"

"I see. Well, Gordon, you'll just have to explain that what you actually meant to say was that you were in favour of British Workers - or even British Non-Workers - getting a means tested grant to go for diversity training to skill them up ready to compete in the pan-European employment market place where they are up against highly trained and well educated Slovakians who are prepared to work 16 hours a day for slightly under the Job Seekers Allowance. Try to avoid mentioning that there are no jobs available in the UK for lazy ill educated salad dodgers. Keep off the subject of immigration if at all possible, and see if you can blame it on either the do-nothing Conservative Party or Global Made In America Credit Crunch. Oh, and Gordon?"

"Yes, Peter?"

"I want to have the Department for Climate Change included in my portfolio. I don't think little Millipede is fit to be let out without a minder."

"Very well, Peter, I'll sort that out for you on Monday"

3 comments:

Van Helsing said...

What he really meant to say was. 'We are providing lots of part time jobs at McDonalds, Subway, Tesco, and Asda, for British skilled people. That will cut them down to size. Then we will bring in low paid, under qualified people from abroad to do their original jobs'.
That way he can demonstrate his anti protectionist, save the world statesmanship, to the other world leaders.
The problem with is that behind his back their calling him a fucking idiot.

Lord Mandelbottom of Marrakech said...

Dear Mr Ranting Penguin

You may remember that you left a very stupid and blinkered comment on my historic article over at Dolly's place.

I have been very busy saving both the country and that little shit, Millipede, but I am now here to tell you that I have despatched from Marrakech a very young, beautiful and widely experienced young man to hunt you down and re-educate you as to the real meaning of blogging.

When he has finished with you, you will truly understand the meaning of command and control...

Never forget, I can have you buggered to death at the drop of a hat.

Much Love

Mandy
xx

The Penguin said...

Poor old Mandy. Obviously never worked on a chicken ranch.