Monday, 2 February 2009

More Shit From Millipede Junior?


Officials at Ed Millipede's Climate Bollocks Department are working with their counterparts at the Department For Letting Foreign Companies Overcharge Us For Energy on a fully sustainable and environmentally beneficial energy source. Sewage! Apparently, following ground breaking trials in Germany, the technical difficulties of getting turds to burn have been overcome.

"Anyone with an open fire or a wood burner will now have a cheap source of fuel with which to heat their homes", a spokesweasel for Millipede Junior said. "And you can use the processed turds much as you would do charcoal, so barbecues can also benefit".

The only downside is that for reasons which are not yet fully understood, vegetarians' and vegans' shit is just not suitable. It is difficult to light, and does not generate much heat.

Local authorities have been tasked with writing to households to see who has an open fire or a wood burning stove, and grants will be made available to help with the restoration of an open fireplace if the chimney is still in place. They will also be responsible for distributing the free turd converters, which work much like a briquette maker.

Those without a fireplace can apply for a free turd converter, and then sell their shit.

The Penguin

9 comments:

Sue said...

Roast Chestnuts just won't taste the same :(

subrosa said...

Don't speak to me about energy costs. Here in Scotland we generate electricity which is exported to England.

Can you believe I pay 25% more for mine that my friends in the SE do for power from less than 5 miles from me? I'm told it's because Scotland is charged far more than England for connections to the 'National Grid'. Time we had our own national grid. And the English whinge on about supporting Scotland ...

That's what happens when you're governed by another country.

(This isn't a racist comment, it's a protest) - disclaimer lol

Bill Quango MP said...

Erm.. You do need a licence for your turd burner. BBC {burning brown's compost} corp will send a bod round if you're on the database.
ps the data base is a mix of the phone book and the electoral role and the post code directory

Bill d'Sarse said...

I don't mind burning shits too genenerate electricity.

I suggest we start with Milliturd and then move on to all the other members of the Labour Party.

Dennis said...

Subrosa -- I'd rather be a Paki than a Jock.

(This is just a racist comment, some of my best friends have orange hair and are called Jimmy, etc., etc.)

Tory Poppins said...

I wonder if Labour Party shit smells more minging than Tory Party shit?? I suspect so!! Fab post 'guin!

Danger UXB said...

If shit burns, the zanulabia must be explosive

it's either banned or compulsory said...

I hereby claim the copyright to " Global Shit Brokerage Company " and will be working closely with Al Gore to make money out of joint trading in Carbon Offsets and Shit Quotas.

The Penguin said...

Surely that should be Methane Offsets?