Friday, 19 June 2009

Cracking The Human Resources Code.


“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
Most of our competitors don't pay much either.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by
some executive's nephew.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the
pay, title or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many
questions and get the shit done.

Replicated by The Penguin

7 comments:

microdave said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who's seen through all the job advert bullshit.

Some local companies like to claim "Due to continual expansion" when I know damn well they aren't. It really means nobody stays for long....

CryBaby said...

They should just cut to the chase and ask 2 questions.

Q. Do you have a life?
Answer NO

Q. Can you juggle?
Answer YES

You've got the job!

The Economic Voice said...

Now that's a C.V. you may want to take your time going over.

Anonymous said...

nadine jansen, in case anyone was wondering.

Old Bag said...

sounds like every place i have ever worked! i would add the old "treat the staff like mushrooms" chestnut too (keep the staff in the dark and chuck shit at them 3 times a day.)

jpe bloggs said...

" nimble fingures required " = girlies only need apply.

Dark Lochnagar said...

What! No old, ugly or fat. Well that's me fucked then!