Scene: THE McBROON PIE SHOP
McBroon: " Morning Jimmy..."
Jimmy:" Got any pies laddie..."
McBroon:" Aye, have that Jimmy..."
Jimmy: " How much then.?...."
McBroon: " Good question Jimmy. Right now they are a quid plus 17.5% VAT, on the first of December they'll be a quid plus 15% VAT, on the first of January 2010 they'll be a quid plus 17.5% VAT and on the first of January 2011 they'll be a quid plus 18.5%. VAT."
Jimmy:" I just want to buy a pie you f'ing idiot....".
McBroon: " Exceptional circumstances call for exceptional measures.......and by the way Jimmy I forgot to mention the extra 0.5% increase in NI contributions so your pie net of VAT won't be a quid , it'll be more...."
Jimmy: " See you McBroon, your pies are crap...I'm aff down the chipper..."
Scene: THE McBROON PIE SHOP (Contd)
Willy: "Morning McBroon.........how's they pies doing?...."
McBroon: "I'm well fucked Willy, well fucked.....it's nae time for novices......"
Willy: "Whit dae you mean man... calm doon...a pie's a fucking pie for all that....."
McBroon: " Aye laddie but I had a wee scheme for changing the price and it's all blown up in my face....."
Willy: " Up or doon McBroon......."
McBroon: " A bit of both Willy......doon for a wee while, then up for a wee while and then up a wee bit more for a wee while more.... "
Willy: " Will that be 50 quarters of they prices going up or doon McBroon..."
McBroon: "(in song) Up doon shake it all aroun'....."
Willy:" McBroon there's a rare wee smell in your pie shop..............something must be aff....."
McBroon: " I cannae sell my pies Willy.......no-one trusts me any more.... I've lost my book-keeper.... says I'm a devious bastard.......aw the punters are aff doon the Street at Osbornes and Camerons Chipper......bastards..............I've been here for ages........they're bloody novices...."
Willy:" I'm no surprised McBroon...........you're a thieving lying bastard.....those nice young laddies down the chipper are no novices......best chipper in toon..."
The Penguin said
Brown's Pies Exposed!!
A House of Commons committee has published a report into it's work investigating the ingredients contained in McBroon's infamous Pies.
In order of volume:
Lies
Hot Air
Bogeys
Snot
Class Hatred
Knob Cheese
They have declared them to be entirely fit for public consumption, since the general public have been stupid enough to swallow them for years.
The Penguin
The toilet seat at number 10 said
McBROONS PIE SHOP ( Pienomics)
Willy: " A bit glum McBroon.."
McBroon: "Aye, am that Willy.."
Willy: "Pies sales doon then..."
McBroon: "Worse Willy...............I'm over-stocked, over-indebted, the arse has fallen out of the coo futures market and the Americans have given up burgers........"
Willy:" That's no your fault McBroon......you've been stiffed by the yanks.."
McBroon:"Aye Willy.........reckless bastards those yanks.......50 years of pie sales doon the drain.."
Willy: " What's with these coo futures McBroon?..
McBroon: "Been buying them for 11 years....I've mortgaged, remortgaged, sale and leasebacked the pie shop....up to my ears in debt....even worse, I've pawned the pie machine over at Darlings!..
Willy: "Calm doon McBroon....I've got a wee plan.... ......it's called a stimulus.."
McBroon: " Like you get doon the WI Willy.."
Willy: " Naw McBroon...a fiscal stimulus...we'll get all your customers, their kids, grandkids,great grandkids, the whole toon to sign a contract to buy your pies in perpetuity..... in exchange you'll give them a 14% discount and pay this money to Darling and the bank as interest for your new loan secured against the pie sales for generations to come....."
McBroon: " Any risk wee man...?
Willy: "Risk McBroon.....don't be daft laddie......it's called deferred payment...you'll be long stiff before the shit hits the fan.."
McBroon: " What about those bright young laddies doon the Osborne and Cameron Chipper?.."
Willy: "Bloody novices McBroon......they've no alternative to the McBroon Pie Bailout..."
McBroon: " I'm up for it wee man...fancy a bevvy?"
the toilet seat at number 10 said
THE McBROON PIE SHOP (More Pienomics)
Willy: " Evening McBroon....how's the stimulus plan doing?"
McBroon: "50 quarters of uninterrupted growth ....oh sorry Willy, your one of us...those sassenach bastards doon the Osborne & Cameron Chipper are rubbishing the bailout.."
Willy: "Ignore them McBroon..."
McBroon: "Posh Dave says I'll never sign up enough
punters to my discount pie purchase plan to pay off the new loan.."
Willy: " Hard hearted bastards..they're The Do Nothing Chipper....just want McBroons Pie Shop to fold so they can capture all the takeaway trade..."
McBroon: " Good line that Willy....The Do Nothing Chipper...text all the pie shop supporters to get them on message..."
Willy: " Will do McBroon....posh gits...bet they offer silver service doon their chipper...prats.."
McBroon: "Well said Willy...stay on message.."
McBroon/Willy: (In unison) " The Do Nothing Chipper, The Do Nothing Chipper, The Do Nothing Chipper..... "
John Prescott said
I'll be visitin' the McBroon pie shop tomorrow.
Hurry while stocks last.
The toilet seat at number 10 said
THE MCBROON PIE SHOP (Breaking News)
McBroon: " Willy.........not too late I hope?"
Willy: "Hard working families..........och its you McBroon.."
McBroon. " We need to get
Willy: " Blue skies thinking McBroon....he's the ideal punter to sign up to the McBroon Discounted Pie Purchase Bailout Plan...."
The Penguin said
Down at the McBroon Pie Shop
Trading Standards Officer "Are you Mr. McBroon?"
McB "Yes, it is I, McBroon, the Supreme Pie Maker of the Western World. What can you do for me?"
TSO "We have had a lot of complaints concerning the ingredients in your pies and the misleading small print on the packaging. Specifically, the packaging does not mention Lies, Snot, Bogeys, and Knob Cheese, although our laboratory tests show that these comprise almost 55% of the total ingredients, the rest being alternatively waffle, bluster, and hot air."
McB "But this is the Way Forward for trhe Future of Pies! The Whole World is behind me on this, except for the do-nothing novices down at the chippie! Bow Down Before Me, Worship My Pies!"
TSO "I'm afraid that is just not true, McBroon, the Germans have just enacted legislation to outlaw any pie makers from copying your recipe, and banning any imports of your pies. They have in fact labelled your pies as toxic sub-prime pies. And as anyone who can read a newspaper and not rely on the Biased Broadacasting Cunts knows, where
McB "Lalalalalalalalalala! I'm not listening!"
TSO "Have you not noticed the lack of customers in here of late? A sorry contrast to the queues at Dave's Chippie! Does that not tell you anything?"
McB "Hahahahahahahahahaha!"
TSO "Have it your own way, then, you mad deluded cunt. I'll be back with a closure order, assuming you don't go bust before that can be arranged."
To be continued -
The Penguin
Gordon Brown the Pieman said
LOL @ The Penguin
"we won't be going back to the dark old days of the Tories when there were huge pie shortages. In fact, we have doubled investment in pie production since 1997, oh yes, oh yes, we we we we have doubled pie investment since 1997.
No longer will we have the huge queues like we had in the 80s, outside the Notting Hill Pie Shop (now Starbucks). In fact, I am taking people from those queues and increasing the number of staff selling these pies.
There are half a million pies available (only 3 pies are shown on display in the shop) etc etc...."
Can I coom round? It'll be a shame to waste all them fookin'pies?
THE McBROON PIE SHOP ( The Chipper Fights Back)
McBroon sits in the lotus position repeating pie mantras ""no more empty pies, no more empty pies....50 years of pie sales, 50 years of pie sales.."
Doorbell rings, Willy enters...
Willy: "50 years of pie sales McBroon..."
McBroon: "Pies for hard working families... "
Willy: "Let's drop this soundbite shite McBroon
.....you need to ignore that
McBroon: " No working?"
Willy: " Those posh gits doon the Chipper are re-branding....it's no longer the Osborne & Cameron Chipper.."
McBroon: " Rebranding!..always was a nasty wee chipper, always will be.."
Willy: " Listen McBroon...wee Jessie on the potato slicer tells me they were going to call themselves the No Chav Chipper.....but that big Dave bloke, he's no a daft laddie...says that's not inclusive ....wants a big tent chipper....they're going to call it The Cheeky Chaps Chipper..."
McBroon: " Bastards..."
Willy: " There's worse McBroon...they're saying the Discounted Pie Purchase Plan is just Pie in the Sky..."
McBroon: "Pie in the Sky.."
Willy: " Aye McBroon...there's more too...the European Pie Union wants all the comrades to sell McBroon Pie Bonds but the jerries, froggies and Mr Whippies aren't up for it...they don't like your Pie Bailout Plan.....Dave doon the Chipper says there never was anything new about your pies........ remember the wee pricing con with VAT you tried....big Dave is telling the toon your pies are the same old pies they've always been... the lasses at the Womans Institute agree...and they know a good pie..."
McBroon: "Sassenach bastards..."
The Penguin said
Backroom at McBroon's Pie Shop
Willy knocks at the door, and Mr McBroon lets him in before closing and locking it.
W "What are you doing, McBroon?"
McB "I'm working on a new recipe for my world famous recession-busting pies. There's no truth to the idea that I'm feart and hiding away like McCavity's cat and letting wee Alistair take all the flack about the toxic pies!"
W "Och, Mr. McBroon, I'd never think that of you whilst you pay my wages!"
McB "My new recipe pies will be truly awful - I meant awesome! just misspoke myself there for a moment! And I'm shipping all the old stock of the sub-prime pies to
W "What are you going to put in the new pies, Mr. McBroon?"
McB "Debt, Willy, loads and loads of Debt, with some quango-juice"
To be continued
The Penguin
Dragons
"I'm thinking of collating the Pie Shop Series, what do you think?"
I'm in for 30% of the business and all I can eat.
Scene: The Office at the back of McBroon’s Pie Shop
Contains a table, chair, filing cabinet. The telephone on the table is ringing.
McBroon shuffles in with his usual crab-like gait, which some attribute to being over-fisted when playing rugger bugger at an exclusive school in Scotlandshire in his youth.
McB “McBroon’s World Leading Pie Shop! How many Pies do you want to order? Oh, it’s you John!! How are you doing recycling that shipment of Pies I was good enough to send you? Half way through them? Excellent, that’s quick work! Is Pauline helping? No, well, she has a figure to think of. Anyway, what can I do for you? No, you can’t be serious!!! Woolworth’s gone bust!!! But Peter promised me he’d have a word with them and it’d all be all right! What am I going to do now with all these Pies now my high street distribution network is fucked?”
McB slams phone down and slumps into the chair like a sad sack of shit. He puts his head in his hands, and sobs.
Sarah, a rather thick set woman with a ginger beard enters the office. She goes to the filing cabinet and takes out a bottle and a spoon.
“Gordon!! Gordon!! Come on, it’s time for your medicine.”
TBC
The Penguin
At McBroon’s Pie Shop
Willy “ Come on McBroon, man, pull yerself together! It’s a recession, not the end of the world.”
McBroon “But Willy, all my life I’ve worked towards making Pies. I’ve given up on having a social life, real friends, even a proper family, and worked and worked and worked until I could get to be the Pie maker. And now, just as all my dreams are realised, no-one wants my Pies!”
Willy “ Now, now, Mr. McBroon, I’m sure someone somewhere wants your Pies. You just have to diversify and find new markets, same as they are doing at the Cheeky Chaps Chippie. Dave and George are offering quality products at fair prices and advertising in the local free newspaper with a pensioner’s special deal on a Friday. Could you not do that?”
McBroon “There’s no money left for advertising, and there’s no margin available to cut, I’ve spent so much on the CO2 there’s nothing left! Nothing!”
Willy “Could you not approach the previous proprietor for a wee loan to tide you over? After all, he seems to be doing very well since he handed the Pie Shop over to you?”
McBroon “Don’t you ever mention that bastard again! Fucking stopped me taking over and making the Pies for years, years when there was money about and Pies sold like hot pies. I wasted the best years of my life working for him, and now look! He’s swanning around the world selling books and talking bollocks after dinner and being paid millions and I’m stuck here with Pies no-one wants or can afford to buy. The utter cunt!”
At this juncture, dear reader, we feel it is only right to protect you from what happened next. We hope to be able to bring you more from the Pie Shop in due course, but can make no promises because, like Corrie, it is recorded live as it happens in real life.
The Penguin
THE McBROON PIE SHOP
(Help Arrives)
Willy: "McBroon I've got a wee plan.."
McBroon: "Pies for hard pressed families..."
Willy: "Cut the soundbites McBroon....Prezzie Elect Piedrama is going to help......he's sending Joe The Piemaker...."
McBroon: "Joe The Piemaker...just earlier you was saying the Yanks know nothing aboot pies...only those bloody pumpkin pies..."
Willy: "Aye, that's the point McBroon....a pies a pie....it's all in the presentation....naebody kens what's inside the pie........pumpkin or McBroon filling.......who cares.......think of it like a policy McBroon......call something a policy and the game is won.."
McBroon: "A bit like Pierre Le Porky Pie said...things can only get better.."
Willy: " Excatly big man....we'll get Joe the Piemaker to front up your Great Pie Bailout......."
McBroon: "Blue skies thinking Willy.......I present myself as a serious man with a serious plan and a hand picked expert.....this'll do for they sassenach bastards doon the Chipper.."
Willy: " Aye McBroon.....it's all aboot presentation ....to hell with the content.....just like your pies!"
THE McBROON PIE SHOP
(Preparations for the Pie 20 Summit at McBroons)
McBroon: " Evening Willy....this wee gathering of the Pie 20 will do for those sassenach bastards doon the Do Nothing Chipper.."
Willy: " Aye McBroon, too true..."
McBroon:" We need a new slogan..."
Willy: " You been listening to that Pierre Le Porky Pie laddie you hired from Brussels ?...."
McBroon: "Listen Willy...things can only get better ..Prescotts family are signed up to the Pie Bailout Plan...we need a new slogan...that Pie In The Sky Pyramid Pie Sales Scam rebuttal from the Chipper laddies is getting too much coverage...even that numpty Robinspin has taken it up.."
Willy: " Aye you're right there McBroon...the lass at the corner shop wants it up for Eurovision...."
McBroon: " Shut it Willy...get back on message.."
Willy. " McBroon, what aboot the great pie chief from America...you said it's all their fault McBroons is arsed.."
McBroon: "So it is Willy...but they like pies...and there's a special relationship..."
Willy: " No true McBroon.......pumpkin pies,aye..... ...McBroons pies, no.."
McBroon: " They said the Pie Slump is all their fault and that's the end of it.."
Willy: " But..."
McBroon: "Nae ifs and buts Willy........it's all their fault...feckless pumpkin eating bastards...now get back on message and repeat after me:
"Piedrama said it's all their fault, all their, all their fault,
Piedrama said it's all their fault and McBroons fell doon..."
THE McBROON PIE SHOP
( A Mea Culpa from the anorak scribbler responsible for commenting on life at McBroons)
Polis: " Your lifted pal..."
Anorak Scribbler: " Que?..."
Polis: "Your accused of scribbling shite aboot the Great Helmsman McBroon ...Your accused of threatening to reveal details of the top secret ingredients of his world famous pies..Your accused of making a public statement that his Great Pie Bailout Plan is a Pie In The Sky Pyramid Pie Sales Scam...Your nicked laddie.."
Help me!...........is this the end of my pathetic commentary on the educated non-spin mongering elite who will guide a grateful nation through the swampy waters of the American Sub- Prime Pie Slump on the way to the sunny uplands of the New Jerusalem, the Third Way Paradise, a land of milk-less coos, of bees who've lost their honey making skills, a land of untold opportunity for outreach counsultants, diversity officers and shelve stackers..?
Maybe the Penguin has a view?
THE McBROON PIE SHOP
(McBroon hatches a new wee plan)
After 9 hours doon the Polis this anorak scribbler has been released on bail without charge to appear before the magistrate in May 2010.
McBroon: " Willy, I've got a new wee plan.."
Willy:" What!...nae soundbites today McBroon.."
McBroon: "Shut it son...I'm gonna set up a wee sting operation using Pierre from pie assembly..."
Willy: " A sting McBroon..."
McBroon: "Aye Willy....Pierre met that wee bastard George, the book-keeper from the Chipper, in the boating pond at Blackpool....he's a holiday pal..."
Willy: "Aye?.."
McBroon: " We'll get Pierre to drop by the Chipper with one of my pies...a sort of gift...."
Willy: " Aye McBroon..a poisoned gift!"
McBroon: "That's the point Willy...there'll be a wee bug inside..."
Willy: " Nothing new there then McBroon...."
McBroon: " Shut it Willy.. ..naw a creepy crawly ...a listening device...we'll be able to listen in to all their expansion plans..."
Willy: " Is this kosher McBroon..."
McBroon: " Big Jackie doon the Polis says nae bother......remember Willy, if Pierre screws up, I had no prior knowledge..."
Willy: " Aye McBroon...leave it to me..."
THE McBROON PIE SHOP
( A visit from Counter Terrorism)
CT: "Are you McBroon?.."
McBroon: "Pies for hard pressed families..."
CT:"Shut it McBroon.....your well in the shite...
we've just been doon the Chipper...found one of your pies..."
McBroon: " That'll be right........a wee gift to say welcome to the Pie Street...."
CT: "Oh aye...they wus using it as a doorstop.."
McBroon: " Ungrateful bastards..."
CT: "McBroon ther's a wee problem with your pie.......it's interfering with oor radio frequency..."
McBroon: "Look you f'ing idiots... a pie is a pie..."
CT: "Aye that'll be right....so why every time we phone the office there's a message from your bloody pie saying Pies for Hard Pressed Families?.."
McBroon: " Willy.....get in here sharp laddie....did Pierre take a pie doon the Chipper..?.."
Willy: "Aye McBroon...the pie with the message..."
McBroon: " What you talking aboot man?.."
Willy: " You ken McBroon........ that pie with the recorded message ...."
McBroon: " Recorded message...!"
Willy: " Oh fuck McBroon...there's been a wee cock up......
McBroon: " I had no prior knowledge, I had no prior knowledge , I had no prior knowledge..."
THE McBROON PIE SHOP
( Joe The Pie-maker Jets In)
McBroon: "You'll be Joe the Pie-maker..?"
Joe: " Shure am...nice little place you got here..."
McBroon. " Right.... President Piedrama tells me your an expert pie-maker..."
Joe: " A pie-maker!.....no, no...I'm a plumber..."
McBroon: " A plumber!...Willy, in here quick laddie...this yank is no a pie-maker..........he's an f'ing plumber.."
Willy: " Calm doon McBroon...... I've got it......... ..remember what those bastards doon the Chipper were saying aboot you no fixing the roof over the pie kitchen?...."
McBroon: " Bastards.......aye, I remember well..."
Willy: " Problem solved then McBroon... get this Joe the plumber up on the roof to give it a once over and clear oot the gutter..."
McBroon: " Blue skies thinking Willy...those bastards doon the Chipper will have to drop that silly claim aboot me no fixing the roof!"
THE McBROON PIE SHOP
( A Week is a long time in Pienomics)
Discarded pie wrappers hang in the chill winds of recession at the quiet end of the street. McBroon and Willy sit hunched over a tepid bottle of Irn Bru, a single bulb glowing weakly overhead.Some pies sit disconsolately in the window display, a wee sprig of heather the only decoration.
McBroon: " Cheers Willy...."
Willy: " Are we aff soundbite McBroon...."
McBroon: " Aye we are that Willy, Pierre from pie assembly left for the night..."
Willy: " Cheers McBroon...."
McBroon: " Remember Willy when this end of street was the best shopping in toon...."
Willy: " Aye, I do that McBroon....full of shops..... everyone trading well...........and now..."
McBroon: " On one side we had the Nae Worth Nothing Pick n' Mix and, on the other side, IMF purveyors of fine kitchens ....pie sales were through the roof.......the wee till never stopped ringing.."
Willy: " It's just no fair McBroon...all the custom has moved doon the other end.....those posh bastards with their shiny new Chipper, stealing all our trade.."
McBroon: " Aye Willy, times have changed since the old owner left for his new career on the Rotary Club lecture circuit.... they say he's earning thoosands, writing a book and buying up repossessions..."
Willy: " Have another Bru McBroon, your spirits need lifting......"
McBroon: " Those bastards at the Cheeky Chaps Chipper promised no more Pie n' Chips exchanges at the traders association.....that big Dave bloke said this was a moment for pulling together.......a time for a Pie-Partisan approach...."
Willy: " Sleekit bastard...never trust someone who's studied Latin......he's big pals with the Mayor ....too much influence... I hear big Jackie left her job as heid of the Polis today...."
McBroon: " Aye... I heard she's taken over the Kebab under the railway arches...."
Willy: " The market did'nae like our first release of your Pie Bonds.....the laddies from the Chipper are telling all the toon it's a Pie in the Sky Pyramid Pie Scheme..."
McBroon: " Sassenach bastards.....what's more Willy, that American Joe the plumber guy who came to fix the roof...bloody joke.....there's leaks everywhere.."
Willy: " Cheer up McBroon....stay on message...the Toyko market opens bedtime Sunday...50 quarters of growth in pie sales cannae disappear overnight.."
McBroon: " Aye Willy.......a week is a long time in pienomics...."
Willy: " Fancy a takeaway McBroon..."
McBroon: " What ! doon that bloody Chipper..."
Willy: "Calm doon big man....over at big Jackies new Kebab place....the donners r' on me..."
McBroon and Willy switch of the light........ For Sale signs clatter against empty Shop fronts..........the smell of lightly battered line caught sole with double fried chips drifts up the street.........
A spokeswoman for Essex Police said: 'Four men have been charged with false imprisonment in connection with an incident in Witham on Friday, September 26.
'A 44-year-old from Little Maplestead, a 23-year-old Witham and two men aged 22 from Tolleshunt D'Arcy and Tiptree have been bailed to appear before Chelmsford Magistrates' Court on December 10.
'A 39-year-old from Colchester has received a police caution in relation to a complaint of theft made in relation to this incident.'
so as to try and charge punters with rape if it turns out that their paid for liasion was with a person who had been trafficked, or a large stealth-tax penalty if controlled by a pimp, The Penguin wondered if instead the government should be considering going the German route of legalised licensed properly run "bunny ranches".
