Monday 31 January 2011

Indentify Those Responsible and Sack Them!

Another Time, Burn The Place Down!

There has to be a very strong case for finding out what fuckwits in the Lincolnshire Plod and the CPS are responsible for wasting tens of thousands of pounds of taxpayers' money in a ludicrous and petty pursuit of two perfectly respectable village councillors who took minimal action to silence a faulty and illegal burglar alarm.

These will doubtless be the same spineless cretins who turn a blind eye to yobs, vandals, shop-lifters, dodgy gang-masters, and illegal immigrants.

The Penguin

Friday 28 January 2011

Heart Of Darkness (updated!!)

"Silent But Deadly? That'll Be 5 Years Hard Labour!"

Fuck me, the natives are doing a bang up job of running Africa.

I'm especially impressed with the government of Malawi, who are to introduce a law making it illegal to fart.

I do wonder if there will be a sliding scale of punishments? Based on such things as loudness, duration, repetition, noxiousness....

The Penguin

PS This was sent to me by a reader of this blog who is an ex-head teacher...


Farting is of concern to us all. As teachers, we have a responsibility towards pupils and colleagues, to guard against excess flatulence and its resulting hazards to health. Features of modern educational buildings, in particular, fenestration, often mitigate against dispersal of malodorous and, sometimes, explosive mixtures of gases that ensue as a result of flatulence. It is incumbent on any responsible organisation to ensure that working conditions are such that olfactory organs are not put under undue stress. Further, each establishment, under European law enacted in 1999, has a requirement to limit the production of greenhouse, and other harmful gases.


In so far as is practicable, the Governors will endeavour to ensure that working conditions, with regard to exudation of gases (miscellaneous) within the establishment and, exceptionally, outside the establishment, are tolerable or, at least, not life threatening.



On a day to day basis, the Headteacher has the responsibility of ensuring that this policy is implemented.

It is the responsibility of everyone to be vigilant in the detection of flatulatory gases and all staff should be aware of their responsibilities as required by the Sniffing Rota.

Obnoxious odours should immediately be reported to the School Administrator, whose responsibility it is to log the event in the Trumping Book (see Annexe to this policy).

It is the responsibility of the caretaker to ensure that all window poles are in full working order and that an emergency hammer is available in all areas (for the purposes of rendering unconscious the perpetrator, not for breaking glass)

It is the responsibility of the Governors to ensure that, where farting, and its effects, is particularly prevalent, industrial strength extractor fans are installed in working areas.

Where a particular, persistent, perpetrator can be identified, First Community Health staff, and the parents of the malefactor, should be consulted about the fitting of a personal venting apparatus/safety valve. This should be regarded as an extreme measure, involving some surgery, and, therefore, should not be attempted by a member of staff, no matter how tempting the prospect may be.

It is recommended that farters be seated away from other individuals, for example, in the middle of the field, for the dual purpose of taking full advantage of the inverse square law, as applied to flatulatory gases, and to protect bystanders from flying flesh and bone fragments in the event of spontaneous self-ignition.

Staff should not overlook the possibilities for energy conservation that farting brings. Staff must, therefore, wherever practicable, try to collect large volumes of flatulatory gases in plastic bags so that they may be used in the school’s boiler, thereby offsetting the costs of fuel. Of course, those pupils fitted with venting apparatus may, with parents’ permission, be permanently connected, using only an approved CORGI contractor, to the boiler.

Equal Opportunities

This policy will be applied to both male and female persons.

The school has equal responsibility for both farters and fartees.

Should farting be recognised as acceptable in any religion or creed, providing the perpetrator has brought in a note from his/her mum, the effects of it should be embraced as part of the school’s multi-cultural policy.


The school has adopted, in full, the fart measurement system developed by Monsieur S B D M├ęthane, Flatulence Institute, University of Grenoble. Assessment is usually made by fartometer, calibrated in units of the Blowfart Scale:

Blowfart Scale Manifestation

1 inaudible but noticeably present

2 was that, no it can’t be – definitely detectable

3 audible

4 small mammals rendered unconscious

5 toxic (gas mask required for any strength >5)

6 visible

7 will curdle milk

8 very unpleasant (but musical)

9 damaged undergarments

10 small items of furniture moved

11 farter and fartee/s have difficulty standing

12 trees blown over (ear defenders and shovel strongly

recommended if this farce is likely)

Special Educational Needs

All exceptional farting episodes will be reported to the SENCO, using Form SEN/FART/14, whose responsibility is to assess, by sniffing, the scale of the problem and to oversee the writing and implementation of Individual Farting Programmes (IFPs).

Health and Safety

Emergency evacuation procedures, of the school not the farter, must be regularly practised, at least once a term, or more often if brassicas have been on the menu. All staff and children must have easy access to breathing apparatus or, if they have to work in close proximity to certain named individuals (see Confidential Annexe), to Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Protection Suits.

Known farters should, wherever possible, be kept away from sources of ignition. Where this is not possible, they must be tethered.

This policy was approved by the Governors on 1 December 2000 and will be reviewed if the hole in the ozone layer increases in size


Detail of page from the Trumping Book


Fart Type


Fart Type


Fart Type


Fart Type



Dietary Preference

(Probable Cause)

Class Evacuated

School Evacuated


Thursday 27 January 2011

Change The Rules Back And Prosecute Them

Baroness Goudie, her many chins, and her house in Belgravia

The fuckwit who changed the definition of principal residence for the troughing peers should be sacked, the definition changed to one that the bloke on the fucking omnibus would recognise as being in the real world, and the thieving noble bastards should be prosecuted.

And their ill-gottens should be pursued and recovered like any other common criminal. Easier than some, as they are all going to be sitting on plenty of assets.

The Penguin

Useless Jobsworth Of The Week

This plonker deserves to win.

A senior police officer told stunned councillors there would be no patrols after 8pm at newly-built Waterlees Park in Wisbech, Cambridgeshire, for health and safety reasons.

‘The place has no lighting and it is still, in effect, a building site,’ Inspector Andy Sullivan told a meeting of Wisbech Town Council.

‘I am not going to put my staff - police officers or PCSOs - into an area where they can’t see what is going on.’

I do wonder how Inspector Knacker and his lads managed before the proliferation of street lighting.

The Penguin

Wednesday 26 January 2011

Three Years For "Bonking Tommy" Sheridan

"Never mind, Tommy, it's a right result for me!"

Some good news amongst the gloom. That "socialist firebrand" Tommy Sheridan has been sent to jail for 3 years for perjury.

Not only does this get the sex-mad nutter off the streets and out of the swingers clubs for a few months, it opens the door to the News of the World to get their £200,000 and their legal costs back.

Add that to his own legal costs, which clever Tommy tried to minimise by representing himself in his own defence, and this whole fiasco will have been an expensive exercise in futility by the fuckwit.

Never mind, Tommy, your wife has said she'll stand by you.

The Penguin

Architect Of Nu-Liebore Disasters

Let's see, who was the prime mover and shaker advising that one-eyed Scotch fuckwit when the stupidity and short-sighted PFI contracts were invented?

Oh, and what cunt was in charge at Education when so many ghastly PFI contracts were drafted, leading to Alice-in-Wonderland situations such as are highlighted by this article in the Telegraph?

Step forward Ed "Blinky" Balls.

The Penguin

Tuesday 25 January 2011

Record Breaker!

Good old Lord Taylor!

First Black Candidate for Cheltenham (failed)!

First Black Tory Peer!!

First parliamentarian convicted by a jury for fiddling his expenses (the other bastards copped pleas to get reduced porridge)!

Considering he was supposed to be a hot-shot barrister specialising in criminal law I think I'd be asking for my fees to be returned had the noble peer acted in my defence, as he's quite obviously not the sharpest chisel in the tool chest.

His false expense claims were pathetic in amount and direly lacking in deviousness - at least that odious fat slug Baroness Uddin went for a decent wedge.

Sincerely hope he gets a strongly deterrent sentence. 15 years has a nice ring to it.

Then send Plod back to nick Uddin and Paul and a good few others.

The Penguin

Monday 24 January 2011

Blunkett Is A Worried Man

"Oh No!!! Not Poor Sadie!!!"

Following the revelations over the "close protection" afforded Postman Prat by the Met's finest, ex-Home Secretary David Blunkett is said to be a very worried man.

After all, it seems no dog is safe.

The Penguin

Sunday 23 January 2011

Fish Rot From The Head

    Gordon Brown

    Gordon Brown has asked the police to investigate whether he was guilty of phone-throwing, it was reported today.

    Brown is said to have written at least one letter to the Metropolitan police asking whether his phone was chucked while he was chancellor, during the latter stages of Andy Coulson's reign as News of the World editor.

    Other Labour figures thought to have been targeted by mobile phone throwing include Lord Prescott, David Blunkett, Tessa Jowell and Chris Bryant.

    The Penguin

Friday 21 January 2011

More Undercover Police Work

Gosh, isn't Inspector Knacker a busy little bee?

No wonder they can't spare any more staff to investigate the trough-pigs expense theft scandal, the thin blue line is obviously over-stretched with all the undercover operations.

I can imagine the briefing. "Now then, Constable Savage, this assignment involves close protection, so make sure you wear a condom!"

The Penguin

Wednesday 19 January 2011

Teflon Tony, The Shit Is Getting Quite Close To The Fan

"Am I Lying To You? Well, Are My Lips Moving?"

Little by little the lies and subterfuge is being exposed...

One does wonder just how stupid the followers of the Religion Of The Child Molester have to be, to issue fatwas against cartoonists and piss-poor novelists and yet let Bliar jaunt around as a Special Representative to the Muddled East.

The Penguin

Tuesday 18 January 2011

Lord Taylor Is Not The Only Thieving Peer

Lord Taylor is quite rightly in court for fiddling his expenses so as to claim money he was not entitled to. He pretended that his principle residence was out of London so he could claim for travel costs and the costs of his genuine home.

Although this may have been "common practice" and even encouraged by the useless "system" he clearly knew it was wrong or he would not have lied about his fictitious other homes to journalists.

So, the noble peer is bang to rights.

BUT - he's not the only one, is he? There's the noble Baroness Uddin, and the noble Lord Paul, amongst many others. And following on from the example set recently by an honourable member in the Lower House in bubbling some of his colleagues, we can expect to hear about them soon!

Then there's the many similar cases in that fragrant Lower Chamber - remember Jacqui Smith, anyone?

The Penguin

Monday 17 January 2011

Fancy Some Faggots, Anyone?

Canada. A nation that could have had it all - American technology, British government, and French culture.

Instead the tossers chose British technology, French government and American culture.

The Penguin

Sunday 16 January 2011

The Snitching Begins....

A Convicted Thief

Oh what a shame!

Seems that an aggrieved MP "representing a Northern constituency" has bubbled six other MPs over fiddling their expenses because he felt he was being made an example of.

Let's hope this has the same effect as rolling a snowball down a steep and snow-covered hill....after all, there have been a whole lot of snouts in the trough!

The Penguin

Saturday 15 January 2011

New Liebore, New Slot Gob

What is it with the Nu-Liebore Party, that they seem to attract women with more than their fair share of teeth?

The Penguin

Friday 14 January 2011

More EUSSR Lunacy - Why Am I Not Surprised?

Seems the Commissariat are getting more blatant.

They have spent over 4 MILLION quid on diaries for schoolchildren which carefully list all sorts of important holy days and holidays and feast days - but which "forget" to mention Christmas or Easter.
Still, it'll keep the ethnics happy.
The Penguin

More Of The Benefits Of Multi-Culturalism

Mohammed Riaz, 33, allegedly kidnapped Mahmood Ahmad, 41, and tortured him to death in an attempt to track down his estranged ex-wife Nahid Ahmad.

He enlisted the help of five accomplices to kidnap, imprison and murder father-of-two Mahmood with a mechanical butcher's saw, St Albans Crown Court heard.

Sharif Mohammed, 37, Faisal Chowdhury, 18, Arnold Alexander Yousaf, 18, and Armizada Hussain, 37, all pleaded not guilty to murder and conspiracy to imprison.

Chowdhury and Yousaf pleaded not guilty to the further charge of conspiracy to kidnap and Mohammed and Hussain denied conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.

Riaz's sister Sabra Sultana, 36, from Ilford, pleaded not guilty to conspiracy to imprison and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.

Sounds like they’ll all manage to avoid being deported thanks to some imbecile in the UK Borders Agency granting them citizenship. After all, we want as many followers of the Religion of Peace here as possible, don’t we?

The Penguin

Thursday 13 January 2011

Bang Him Up!

Tragic! Seems that Berlusconi's luck is running out at last...

However, I don't expect to see the old crook behind bars anytime soon. Sadly. With Mr Tessa Jowell in the next cell....but anyway, fingers crossed!

The Penguin

Tuesday 11 January 2011

UK Border Farce

"I Get Paid £230,000 A Year Plus A Gold-Plated Pension, And I'm Fucking Useless!"

The UK Border Agency cost £2,480 million resource and £191 million of capital spend in 2009/2010. It employed some 23,652 full time equivalent people (2008/09 24,311) including external employment agency and temporary staff.

These figures are from their published accounts which you can access on line via their self-congratulatory website at

Back in 2006 the Home Office which was then notionally in charge of this clusterfuck of a department noticed that some 450,000 asylum seekers claim files were gathering dust and that no-ne knew where they were or what they were doing. John Reid put Phil Woolas in charge.

Since then, under Phil's inspired leadership, they have "cleared up" 334,500 individuals cases, mainly by filing the claims in a different drawer marked "No Further Action Required". Only rather less than one in ten have been deported.

A further 18,000 have been filed under "Can't Find So Forget" and another 43,000 are still in the In Tray but marked "Looks Too Difficult".

The UK Border Agency board comprises the following members:

  • Lin Homer, Chief Executive
  • Jonathan Sedgwick, deputy chief executive
  • Brodie Clark, border force
  • Matthew Coats, immigration group
  • Barbara Woodward, international group
  • David Wood, criminality and detention group
  • Martin Peach, intelligence group
  • Joe Dugdale, human resources and organisational development
  • Justin Holliday, resource management
  • Rob Yeldham, communications
  • Zilla Bowell, chief of staff
  • James Bevan, Foreign & Commonwealth Office, non-executive director
  • Melanie Dawes, HM Revenue & Customs, non-executive director
  • Chief Constable Martin Baker, Dorset Police, non-executive director
  • Mike Hawker, non-executive director
  • Graham Sims, non-executive director
  • Mark Thomson, non-executive director
  • Kathryn Bishop, non-executive director
Sack the fucking lot.

The Penguin

Wanker Of The Month Award

The Wanker Works For You, Ken!

Such a tough decision, but the Wanker Of The Month Award goes to Sharanjit Nagra, of the National Offender Management Service, part of the so-called Ministry of Justice.

Sharanjit Nagra has refused to name 7 escaped convicts, on the run in some cases for several years, in case this would infringe the scrotes rights to privacy.
Not only is this flying in the face of decency and commonsense, it is also diametrically opposed to what the MoJ has done in the past.

Who is this wanker and what authority does he have over MoJ policy?

The Penguin

Monday 10 January 2011

So What FuckWit Gave This Cheat Citizenship?

Another Thieving African

Having cost the poor taxpayers some £400,000 through deception and fraud, "Amina Muse" gets a derisory jail sentence meaning around 24 months of being fed and watered at our expense, but apparently she can't be deported because she's a British Citizen.

Surely someone should be named, shamed and sacked for giving this preposterous foreign benefits bandit citizenship? Probably some over-paid slacker working for the nonsensical UK Borders Agency? Under the overall management of tossers like McNulty and Woolas....

Don't hold your breath, though.

The Penguin

Saturday 8 January 2011

Why Now, You Fucking Weasel?

As Home Secretary and as Justice Secretary He Was Fucking Silent!

Why is Jack "The Weasel" Straw suddenly stating the fucking obvious about Pakistani men targeting white girls for sex after being three wise monkeys about this for so long?

Could it be that he has decided to retire to the House of Lords and therefore doesn't need to suck all that Pakistani cock in Blackburn to get re-elected?

Greasy little chancer.

The Penguin

Friday 7 January 2011

Surely I Must Be Having A Nightmare?

Seems that the world's fattest bastard is planning to sue the NHS for letting him gorge his way to being 70 fucking stone and costing the taxpayer over a million quid in care costs. Presumably on legal aid, the greedy cunt.

The people who should be taken to task are the people who helped the immobile blimp scoff 20,000 calories a day. And who on earth was paying for all that? You won't get 20,000 calories a day from £64.50 Job Seekers!

Some one just render the bastard down for bio-fuel.

The Penguin

Wednesday 5 January 2011

Just What The Fuck Is The Problem?

There's another huge squealing and squeaking from the poor down-trodden trough-pigs in Westminster over their new "hard-line" expenses regime. Seems the poor little piggies feel hard-done by in having to cough up receipts and prove what they have spent tax-payers' money on, and they don't fucking like it.

Then there's the IPSA staff, who seem unable to cope with whingeing troughers.

For fuck's sake, clear the fucking decks and hire in some experienced accountants from some companies in the private sector who are actually used to administering ordinary expenses regimes that have to stand up to PAYE inspection. There's only one rule that really matters. "Wholly, Necessarily and Exclusively" in the actual execution of the trough-pig's duties as an MP or minister.

Otherwise it's a benefit in kind and subject to tax. And penalties.

If in doubt, troughers, pay it out of your own fucking salaries same as we have to. And stop fucking complaining, you're over-fucking paid as it is.

The Penguin

Thanks For The Music, Gerry, Rest In Peace.

The Penguin

Tuesday 4 January 2011


Leader of Labour-run Exeter City Council, Pete Edwards

Since the rubbish piling up in Exeter is "not a problem" according to the leader of the local council responsible for "collecting" it, may I suggest that local residents adopt a local solution, and go and pile it up in Pete Edwards pristine garden?

Then they could start on his street frontage...before toddling along to the council offices with any they have left over.

Fucking imbeciles like this in their tin-pot council castles handing over ever more piles of other people's money to vastly over-paid executives who think nothing of appointing another outreach diversity (lesbians and pikeys) officer whilst sacking lollipop ladies make me sick.

Folk in other blighted communities can follow suit, you don't have to live in Exeter!

The Penguin