Cabinet Ministers Refuse To Go Before Parliamentary Committee

The Foreign Secretary and The Home (Economics) Secretary have both refused to appear before the Joint Committee on Human Rights to answer questions about the torture of and British Citizens and Residents detained during counter-terrorism operations in Pakistan.

This is hot on the heels of the Defence Secretary admitting that Britsh Forces had handed detainees over to the Americans.

In a joint letter to the JCHR the pair failed to answer any of the questions posed by the committee, coming up instead with the following excuses.

Jacqui Smith: "I regret that I am far too busy getting on with the job of trying to justify the hundreds of thousands of pounds of taxpayers' money I have stolen in allowances by pretending that my sister's spare bedroom is my main residence to bother coming along to your stupid little committee. Don't you realise that no one cares about these terrorists, and that it is good for them to have their fingernails pulled out?"

David Millipede: "I'm terribly sorry, but I have to spend some quality time with my collection of bananas, and consequently can't be arsed talking down to you proles."

There you have it, yet another triumph for the democratic process and Parliamentary oversight of the executive.

The Penguin

Myners On The Rack, Gordon's Huffing And Puffing Just Hot Air

Surprise surprise, it seems that leading experts amongst m'learned friends don't think that McBroon's got a snowball's chance in hell of clawing any of Fred's pension back if he wastes yet more taxpayers' money going legal. The Fuckwit was only spouting hot air to grab headlines and be seen to be getting on with the job of running round like a headless chicken.

However, Lord Myners is in some difficulty, as the exchange of letters clearly shows. Sir Fred is obviously annoyed that his telephone conversation with Lord Paul has been published, and has given him both barrels.

Now, either Lord Myners is complicit or incompetent. And given his background and experience, he should not be ignorant of the legal framework of pensions.

However, luckily for the taxpayer and Gordon, there's always the David Kelly precedent. If I were Sir Fred I'd have a package left with my solicitor in case I fell of a mountain a la Robin Cook or were to be found in some woods with a pen knife.

The Penguin

Give The Driver A Medal, Set A Good Example!

The Police have arrested a lorry driver who successfuly defended himself and his lorry from an attack and presumable attempted theft, killing one scrote and injuring two others.

Sadly, they'll probably refer it the the cunts at the CPS who will go to town prosecuting an innocent man for defending himself and his property. Like Farmer Martin.

What they should be doing is holding a civic reception for the lorry driver, making him a Freeman of Birmingham and giving him the St George's Medal. And prosecuting the surviving thieves and rendering the corpse down for biodiesel.

The Penguin

A Triumph For The Government

It seems that the Government can claim at least one success.

Teenage pregnancies in the under-16s are running at record levels.

So the Benefit Breeding (NuLabour Voter) Programme is doing a great job.

Bonuses all round!

The Penguin

Voldemort Has Made A Serious Mistake

Oh happy days! The Dark Lord of The Spin, Voldemort of Boys and Sleazepool, has completely missed one very serious problem in his attempts to part-privatise the Royal Mail.

The Brothers are dead set against it.

Still a bastion of militant Spanish Practices and fervently socialist, they are not at all impressed by the 180 degree U-turn on the manifesto commitment not to privatise the Royal Mail and thereby risk their embedded privileges and feather-bedding. Of course, those at the top of the Union Tree have the most to lose and so are the most vociferous.

Threats are being issued about stopping funding, and withdrawing help and co-operation in terms of leafletting and so on in the upcoming EUSSR elections. The Posties bung the NuLiebore Party about a million quid a year, almost enough for a Peerage if Tone were still in charge. Gordon hands them out for different reasons, though, and giving Mandy one may yet prove to be fatal.

Because, as the dodgy Glenrothes by-election proves, NuLiebore are very very dependent upon the "Postal Vote".

And who do they think delivers this for them? There's a clue in the name!

The Penguin

MoD Bonuses - More Dead In Afghanistan

Where are the politicians when the bodies come home?

Nice to know that the Ministry Of Defence are to dish out over £50 MILLION in bonuses for their hard working an efficient civil servants. You know, the civil servants whose penny pinching ineptitude sent our soldiers into harms way in Iraq and Afghanistan with the wrong equipment or not enough or good enough equipment. So much so that they ended up being called "The Borrowers" by the Americans who had to try to make up some of the shortfall.

How much per dead soldier or airman is £50 MILLION?

The Penguin

An Exchange Of Letters Between Honourable Men

Dear Fred,

So sorry that you can't make the party tonight to look at all the ghastly "modern art" that the little woman has invested in, but under the circumstances I can understand you wishing to stay out of the limelight.

Speaking of which, Alistair asked me to point out to you that the proles are making noises about your pension, details of which have been leaked to the reptiles, can't think who by. Seems to be a bit of a stink developing, and it might be wise to be seen to hand it back and negotiate something a little less contentious.

Then when the moving finger has moved on, I'm sure we can appoint you to a few well paid quangos.

Very best,

Paul.

**********************************************************************************

Dear Paul,

Thank you for your letter.

Please tell Alistair he can fuck right off. His ugly chimp Timms was in on every discussion about the terms of my agreeing to walk quietly away. It is not my fault he's as thick as three elephants in a sandwich.

My lawyers tell me it's waterproof, so you can go fucking whistle. What makes you think you'll be in power to go handing out the juicy plums in a few months time? Or that there'll be any money left in the kitty?

Don't forget to tell Alistair and Gordon that I know where the bodies are buried, and don't think for a moment that I'm going for any woodland walks. My solicitors have my "insurance policy" just in case.

Yours truly
Fred.

The Penguin

UPDATE: It's even more wonderful than I could have imagined, and I expect it will lead to the sacking or resignation of the incompetent Myners.

Education, Education, Education? Spin, Spin, Spin!

Some truants playing yesterday.

Government statistsics released today show that an astounding 63,000 school children are "missing" from school sessions on any given day. Of these, the unauthorised element is the highest ever recorded, with 1.01% of half-days missed last year - up from 1% in 2006/07, the Department for Children, Schools and Families figures showed. In other words, truancy is at record levels.

Yet what does the useless DCSF have to say about this scandal?

Children's minister Delyth Morgan said the figures showed that 70,000 more pupils were in school on an average day last year compared to 1996/97. So fucking what, there's been about 3 million immigrants let in since 1997, including loads of children.

"Overall, the latest statistics show that our drive to reduce absence, and particularly persistent absence, has been very successful and we are going to continue to build on this success."

Black is White and Red is No Colour At All.

The Penguin

More Blood On Slippery Jack's Hands

Seems that yet another innocent victim of criminal violence can thank "Justice Minister" Jack Straw for their untimely death.

Tony Virasami has a string of convictions for petty theft and handling stolen goods dating back 20 years and was under a curfew and on bail for shoplifting. He was wearing an electronic tag when he launched the unprovoked attack which resulted in the death of Kevin Tripp.

Straw was also the Home Secretary who failed to build any prisons, because he didn't like having rows with Gordon.

How many more, Jack?

The Penguin

Freedom Of Speech?

I don't understand all the fuss about so-called "Holocaust Deniers" and the daft way that they are treated.

It is not against the law in this country (so far as I know, yet!) to say what ever you like about Hitler, The National Socialists, and their Final Solution to The Jewish Problem. I'd prefer that these idiots were given plenty of platforms to debate their views so that other people who have a more balanced and better informed view could destroy them publically and humiliate them and any who wish to follow their daft ideas. Making martyrs of them seems to me to be incompatible with Free Speech.

Gert Wilders, anyone?

The Penguin

Lying Cunt - No Surprise

"I'm alright, me!"

Sir Fred "The Shred" Goodwin lied about his rather generous pension arrangements.

When giving evidence to the Treasury Select Committee on February 10, Sir Fred said: "'My pension is the same as everyone else in the bank who is in a defined benefit pension scheme.

It is determined in the same way as anyone else."

One does wonder how many other employees of RBS can start pulling down £693,000 a year at age 50 having been asked to resign for recklessly pursuing sales growth and deals and ignoring risk and liabilities? Isn't Parliament the highest court in the land, so that lying to a Select Committee is in fact Perjury? String the bastard up, milud!

Meanwhile the useless Badger witters on about doing things and m'learned friends will get yet more taxpayers' money trying to unpick and rewrite Sir Fred's contract of employment.

He'll probably qualify for legal aid to try and prevent this!

The Penguin

Don't Worry, If The NHS Don't Kill You, The Care Home Will

Alan "The Ninja" Johnson practising his moves in case any care home resident should sneak up on him.

The NHS are achieving government set targets in bringing down waiting lists and patient numbers by "accidentally" killing 40,000 patients a year. There are a few spectacular failures, of course, resulting in huge payouts to those who survived and more fees for m'learned friends, naturally.

C Diff, MRSA, incompetence, paramedic ambulance crews deciding who lives and who dies, doctors ignoring patient notes and prescribing medicines to which the patient is known to be allergic, the odd keen bugger like Doctor Shipman getting caught for over-enthusiasm, more money being spent than ever before, and a service which is anecdotally rubbish despite the fiddled statistics. Otherwise why would you have people pulling their teeth out with pliers?

However, the government are still worried about the number of old people living far too long and costing far too much in pensions and social care and medical costs, even after forcing them to sell their homes to pay for care (not in Scotland, I believe).

So they are not too worried that they preside over an inspection system to police old people's homes which makes Ofsted's work in Child Care look exemplary despite at least one child "in care" being murdered each and every week.

Southern Cross Healthcare is a good example. 37,000 vulnerable old people in it's clutches, turnover £889 million, valued at £1.1 billion. Just managed to get shot of 8 pesky old residents at one home by not having any central heating working over the coldest spell in 28 years. And as a bonus they saved a goodly few quid on the gas bill.

The Penguin

This Obnoxious Cunt's Got Plenty Of Previous

Omand is the cunt on the right.

This cunt is recommending more Big Brother spying on all of us. He's got plenty of previous, according to Wikipedia.

Sir David Bruce Omand GCB (born 15 April 1947) is a former senior British civil servant.

Omand started out with the Home Office. After years of service with the Ministry of Defence, from 1996–1997 he was Director of the Government Communications Headquarters, before being appointed Permanent Secretary at the Home Office. In the 2000 New Year Honours, he was made a Knight Commander of the Order of the Bath (KCB). In 2002 he became the first Permanent Secretary and Security Intelligence Co-ordinator in the Cabinet Office. Sir David was among those to decide that David Kelly should be pursued for talking to the media about the Government's dossier on Iraq's alleged WMD. Sir David and Sir Kevin Tebbit, then permanent secretary at the MoD, recommended to Jack Straw and Tony Blair that John Scarlett head MI6. John Scarlett was chairman of the Joint Intelligence Committee that drafted the WMD dossier.^[3]

In the 2004 Queen's Birthday Honours, he was promoted to Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the Bath (GCB). He retired from the Cabinet Office in April 2005. On January 27, 2006, he was appointed to the board of The Natural History Museum, for a term of 4 years. He has served the Crown for over 35 years. He is also an Honorary Vice-President of the Royal United Services Institute.

Blood all over his hands. Fuck him and all his works.

The Penguin

More National Humiliation Threatened

"Here's a big one I got out earlier!"

Bad News.

Gordon McBroon, the Dead Eyed Sith known as Darth Bogey is to address both Houses of the United States Congress.

A huge embarrassment for Britain. The monocular mumbler will stutter, gurn, drop his jaw, flash those bleached teeth at odd moments, avoid eye contact, claw the air, bite his nails, scratch the lectern, and demonstrate his well-honed talent for bogey mining and mastication. He may even piss himself.

All the while lecturing the Americans on the Global Credit Crunch started in America.

The Penguin

Trouble At Mill? This Could Be Fun!

The Labour Party is in deep shit over Voldemort's proposals to flog off part of the Post Office to the Dutch firm TNT.

The Post Office needs serious injections of cash and good management, it is grossly over-manned and inefficient and has obstructive and militant unions. Forced by the EUSSR the government gave away much of it's profitable business to private operators and the banks, and is now saddled with a headache.

At least 3 cabinet minsters and close to 150 backbench Labour MPs have come out against Voldemort's proposals, but with the backing of the Tories Mandy and Gordon can force the legislation through if they want to.

The cost will be splitting the Labour Party and losing the Brothers.

Large Tub of Popcorn!

The Penguin

Another Triumph For Justice My Hairy Fucking Arse!

Don't get me wrong, I have lost most of the respect that I used to have for our Police "Service" thanks to the likes of ACPO and "Sir" Ian Bliar.

But there do remain dedicated old style coppers out there trying to do a decent job. Sadly they don't seem to be very valued by the management, as this stupid stupid story demonstrates.

Questions I'd like answered:

Was the decision to proceed with the "investigation" and "prosecution" second time around because they thought he "got away with it" in 2002 - even though the scrote had previous and was found guilty?

Who complained? - notably not the thug!

Why was this complaint not just laughed at?

Why was the prosecution proceeded with when the only other witnesses apart from the uncomplaining thug were deemed to be "for the defence" to such an extent that the case collapsed because the thug was on the run from another case?

Why was the (serially offending) thug given bail for that offence?

Why did it take so long to get to court?

Why was this 30 year copper being persecuted? Had he refused to join the masons, or given a speeding ticket to the Chief Cuntstable's floozy?

I do hope our Justice Minister is proud of the system he has helped create.

The Penguin

Freedom Of Information - Vetoed

"Look! There's hardly any blood on my hands!"

Jack Straw, who was the Foreign Secretary at the time, has vetoed the publication of Cabinet Minutes relating to making the decision to start an illegal war with Iraq as Dubya's poodle despite the decision by the Information Tribunal that these should be made public because of the overwhelming public interest and the importance of the decisions.

Jack The Weasel now presides over Justice.

Odd how you never see any of the British architects of the Iraq War welcoming home the coffins, isn't it? Or pictured with the mutilated survivors?

The Penguin

£160,000 Plus Extras - The Fucking Cunts!

Who one earth suggested and who the fuckety fucking fuck approved spending over £160,000 of taxpayers' money on hiring a fucking luxury private cunting Gulfstream Aerospace to go and collect the Ethiopian caught with a false passport and iffy story in the badlands of Afganhistan and Pakistan and more recently residing in Cuba courtesy of the Americans who regarded him as a bad lot?

I don't think anyone asked me if I thought bringing the cuntstain back to a country he decided wasn't good enough for him previously was a good idea, especially as he'll doubtless be using legal aid to try and extort huge sums of taxpayers' money in "compensation". Nice work for the fucking legal profession, more cost to the taxpayer.

Let alone asked me if I thought a private jet was a good idea. Personally I'd have suggested economy class was quite good enough - although I'd have suggested Addis Ababa not Heathrow. Send him home - he has no family here, no property here, no reason to be here.

And if the answer to my initial question turns out to be that tedious little shit Millipede, I won't be too surprised. I think piano wire will be far too quick for him.

The Penguin

Hackers Strand Slippery Jack In Africa

Jack "Slippery Weasel" Straw was facing some embarrassment last night as it emerged that his e-mail account had been hacked by fraudsters who sent thousands of messages to his constituents and friends and staff asking them to help poor Jack out of a little difficulty.

The messages claiming to be from the former Home Secretary asked for "soft loans" of £3,000 to enable him to pay his hotel bill and return to the UK after losing his wallet whilst on holiday in Africa.
Luckily, no one was dumb enough to send the fraudsters any money. Instead Hotmail had to close the account because of the huge number of replies along the lines of "Fucking Stay There And Starve You Cunt!"

The Penguin

I'm Not In Mourning, Personally

It seems that the 25 year old who was shot in the back of the head the other day in East Dulwich was only recently back on the streets after serving time for armed robbery.

Looks like he won't be re-offending.

The Penguin

Meanwhile, The Snakeoil Salesman Has A New Wheeze

"He has set up the commercial partnership, called Tony Blair Associates, after receiving permission from an official government watchdog, which scrutinises paid employment undertaken by former ministers.

The joint enterprise will provide "strategic advice on political and economic trends and governmental reform", according to the Advisory Committee on Business Appointments.

It is thought to be the first time that a former British prime minister has launched a money-spinning venture based entirely around their experience at the helm of government.

The firm is the latest scheme employed by the 55-year-old to cash in on his record as Britain's longest-serving Labour prime minister.

Since leaving office in June 2007, Mr Blair is said to have raked in up to £15 million from a variety of business deals, including a £4.5 million advance for his Downing Street memoirs."

On Offer:

How to Sell Peerages

How To Start A War Based On Lies

How To Organise A Funeral For A People's Princess

How To Sell Your Country To The EUSSR

How To Pass The Baton To A Useless Cunt

I'm sure he'll do very well, must be loads of people ready to sign up if only they could afford to.

The Penguin

The Man Who Saved The World

In a poll in "Hello" magazine to vote for the 100 most influential and inspiring people in the world, one might have expected that the Great Saviour, Unelected Bottler and Bogey Gobbling Trouser Pisser from Fife would feature highly, since everyone is busy following his lead in saving the world from the Global Credit Crunch that Started In America.

If not number one, which was bound to go to Barak Obama, surely he'd be a close second?

I mean, who could not be inspired by his straight forward honesty and courage? Who could fail to be influenced by his steadfast adherence to the moral principles instilled by his upbringing and the way he has ensured that he NuLiebore Party is free from the taint of corruption and sleaze? Who could not be thrilled by the power and beauty of his vision of British Jobs For British Workers? What right-thinking person could fail to recognise how he was getting on with the job rather than courting headlines, fawning on celebrities for photo-opportunities, or indulging in petty party political point-scoring and spin?

Oddly enough, the Fearty From Fife didn't make the top ten.

He didn't make the grade at all. So no change there, the sad wanker.

The Penguin

A Phone Call To Voldemort

"Is this a secure line? You are certain? OK, Peter, my people in Birmingham need some help. Compared to the money your one-eyed idiot has wasted it is just drop in bucket. They need £40 million today, maybe a bit more next week, the week after. It keeps British Workers in British Jobs, Peter, and may even keep some Labour MPs in British Parliament. Is very cheap. Peter, I cannot believe that you will not help me. Is not nice to have to threaten friends. Thank you, Peter, I knew you would not let me down."

I wonder who it could have been?

The Penguin

British Jobs For Foreign Transfers

Further damning evidence of the Home Office's inability to control Britain's borders or to limit immigration, despite the posturing of The Fat Lodger and her gobby but useless sidekick Phil "Cream Pie" Woolas.

Foreign companies can transfer staff into the UK and don't even have to advertise the vacancy that is being filled. The imported foreign worker can stay without any hindrance for 5 years and then apply for settlement here.

The number of people taking this route into the UK has doubled in the last 4 years.

Meanwhile, Jacqui Kebab Smith claims not to have maximised her stealing from the taxpayer. Technically she could have stolen an additional £58.00

Fuck me, I'm amazed at her restraint!

The Penguin

Fat Arsed Hypocrite At Large

The laughable champion of the lower classes, gilded toff Harriet Harman is busily generating headlines as she attempts to big herself up in the public perception and amongst the "brothers" who she hopes will loyally follow her husband, union official Jack "Pig Ignorant" Dromey in her not very well masked leadership bid as the Gorgon collapses in the polls.

Treading on The Hoon's patch, she declares that bus routes should be changed to favour poor areas. She should be anticipating a smack in the gob.

In her attempts to justify this absurdity Harriet Harman said: “There is still a situation where a less able child from a well-off family overtakes a more able child from a poor family by the age of seven."

Well, you should fucking know! Where did you send your children to be educated, Harriet? The local state schools?

You hypocritical cunt.

The Penguin

Stupid Greedy Jacqui On The Rack

Our (second) Home Economics Secretary, The Salad Dodging Lodger continues to attract media attention for the outrageous stealing of taxpayers money, rather than for the "sterling" work she does as holder of what was once a great department of State.

Had she had the common sense to realise that the game was up, and the decency to resign, the spotlight would have moved on to try and find something more interesting. The same would have happened had Gordon had the courage to sack her.

As it is, her continiuing efforts to brazen it out leave her on the rack. Now even Labour MP's are being openly critical, because they are hearing what their constituents are saying, they can see the way the polls are pointing, and they do not want to be associated with such sleaze and immorality no matter what the ludicrous "rules" allow.

The brave and courageous Commissar For Troughing has had to agree to making an investigation after managing to ignore complaint after complaint when neighbours of her sister wrote to him stating that she did not spend a majority of her time there.

The prospect for La Spliff cannot be good. She can't deny the facts, and the precedent set over the Michael Trend case means she'll be asked to pay back the money she has stolen - and it's not just the £116,000 which was claimed for just 6 years of her 12 year career as a trough pig.

The Badger is also in the frame, and I suspect there may well be others.

Lots of them!

The Penguin

Now The Irish, Coming Soon To England

The Irish have woken up to the fuck up that their government and bankers have inflicted on them.

How long before we see similar sized marches in London?

How much longer will the "brothers" want to prop up NuLiebore with their subscriptions?

How many large donors will NuLiebore lose as the recession deepens and they look more and more like dead men walking?

NuLiebore, you may well have bankrupted Britain, but I think you're in the same boat!

The Penguin

Bigger Budgets Than Ever, But No Police On The Streets

Curious, don't you think?

More money, more policemen, more expensive toys, more powers and laws, more cameras. But no police on the street to discourage daylight robbery.

Perhaps they were all dealing with a nasty spillage of brown sauce?

The Penguin

Another Foul Mouthed Tirade By Lord Voldemort

The Secretary of State for Bribery and Corruption, Lord Voldemort of Sleazepool was miffed by union leaders daring to mention that the car manufacturing industry was suffering in the Global Credit Crunch ( Made In America And Nothing To Do With Gordon ).

"How very fucking dare they?! Don't the stupid fucking wankers realise that careless talk can start rumours, and fucking rumours can cause all sorts of cunting trouble? I should fucking know, I start enough rumours myself, I'm the fucking world champion rumour starter. So they should shut the fuck up, causing trouble and making out that the fucking country is fucking fucked. Let me just explain a fucking thing here. It's no fucking good these stupid fat twats asking the Government for money, we have given all the fucking money to the banks and the cunts won't let us have it back, they're too busy handing it out as bonuses or fucking loans to their staff. All we can do is make promises we know we can't fucking keep, and announce more fucking stupid initiatives. So fuck off!"

The Penguin

Incompetent Useless Wanker

"I'm just going to eat this Bogey!"

More evidence emerges that The Supreme Saviour is unfit to shovel shit. There's a problem over £1,600 of rent he charged for subletting his offices in Fife.

What a complete numpty - even the thick as a plank Home Economics Secretary managed to do better than that. She stole £116,000 in six years by claiming her main residence is the back bedroom of her sister's house.

No wonder the country is going down the shitter.

The Penguin

While Rival Gangs Of Somalis And Afghans Stab Each Other In London

What is the Secretary Of State at The Justice Minstry doing?

He's forcing the prison authorities to vary the terms and conditions under which a man convicted of beating a teenager with a golf club until it broke and then threatening to stab his with the broken shaft is allowed out of prison early. So this charming violent convict can stay for the wedding night with his new bride to be.

Good to see that Slippery Jack is on the job. (Of trying to grab a headline, as ever.)

The Penguin

Meanwhile, Down The Job Centre

A vacancy has been announced.

Wanted: Pig Ugly Chavette.

Job Description: Reality TV Star and Celebrity Racist

Qualifications:
Essential: Big Gob, Huge Trout Pout Lips, Thick Skin, Broken Home. No Educational qualifications are permitted.
Desirable: Big Tits, although they can be surgically enhanced later. Two or more bastards, preferably of mixed race. Chain Smoker preferred. Poor personal hygiene an advantage. Body piercings and tattoos welcomed.

Job Location: Essex based but world wide travel will be required.

Pay: unbelievable package is on offer to right Chavette. Also an ex-convict partner is available, slightly soiled.

Apply: Max Clifford

The Penguin

UPDATE: As instructed, the Song For The People's Chav

Goodbye England's Jade
Now you'll never have to grow old.
You were the lump that placed yourself
Where ever cameras rolled.
You called out to our country,
And you whispered to those in pain.
Now you belong to Hello and Heat,
And the stars spell out your name.

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a cancer in the wind:
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in.
And your footsteps will always fall here,
Along England's greenest hills;
Your cancer's burned out long before
Your legend ever will.

The ugliness we've lost;
These empty days without your smile.
This torch we'll always carry
For our nation's ghastly child.
And even though we try,
The truth brings us to tears;
All our words cannot express
The dosh you made Max Clifford through the years.

And it seems to me you've lived your life
Like a cancer in the wind:
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in.
And your footsteps will always fall here,
Along England's greenest hills;
Your cancer's burned out long before
Your legend ever will.

Goodbye England's Jade
Now you'll never have to grow old.
You were the lump that placed yourself
Where ever cameras rolled.
Goodbye England's Jade,
From a country lost without your gob,
Who'll miss the rantings and racism
And you'll miss Jack Tweedy's knob.

And it seems to me you've lived your life
Like a cancer in the wind:
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in.
And your footsteps will always fall here,
Along England's greenest hills;
Your cancer's burned out long before
Your legend ever will.

Do You Believe What You Read In The Papers?

Check out how different versions of this story appear in the main dead tree press.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1150502/Millionaire-City-boss-tells-staff-eat-day-old-burgers--remind-lucky-jobs.html

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4700032/Private-equity-boss-orders-partners-to-eat-burgers-after-one-complains-about-hotel-food.html

With everyone in government from the Prime Mentalist down lying to us, who on earth can one believe?

The Penguin

One Right Up The Arse For The Badger

An EUSSR ruling on VAT will be causing Alistair "The Badger" Darling's eyes to water.

Previously disallowed VAT on entertaining foreign customers and business associates can now be claimed back, from 1988 onwards.

And the ruling seems to make it simple to do so, as claimants can base it on their current levels of entertaining, no digging back through the archives for the actual receipts.

So, much as I hate the EUSSR with a vengeance, I can appreciate the Badger's discomfort, especially in this time of falling tax receipts.

The Penguin

It Is Always The Cover Up That Catches Them Out

Young "Banana" Millipede, the 13 year old joke embarrassing Britain around the world, has been getting a thoroughly deserved kicking from the comments being left on a newspaper website in respect of an weasel worded attempt to slime over the Foreign Office's efforts to prevent the High Court from revealing government complicity in the rendition and torture of an Ethiopian who was once granted permission to live in Britain but preferred to go to Afghanistan.

The interesting thing is that it is the Guardian's Comment Is Free website where no one believes or supports little "Bananas". If he can't get the fig leaf to stick there, then for sure no one anywhere else is likely to believe his lies.

Of course, we are so inundated with blatant lies by this disgraceful NuLiebore Government that it hardly comes as a surprise. There's an endless list.

And as always seems to happen, it's when they are lying to cover up their wrong doing that they get caught out. Sleaze, Dishonesty, and Hypocrisy from top to bottom.

Will the next lot be any better? I hope so, but I'm not holding my breath.

The Penguin

Working The System - Fucking Parasites!

A pair of poofters demonstrate how to milk the system.

One of them, a security guard who worked for G4S at Heathrow was so mortally offended and affected by a female colleague who wobbled her tits at him that he developed clinical depression, has been awarded £62,000 at an Employment Tribunal. The poor thing hardly ever leaves his bedroom he is still so upset, although I expect the money will be a comfort and he might now improve a little bit.

His other comfort is his partner, who took medical retirement and is now the registered carer for poor diddums. It has all been so traumatic for them that they have moved to Devon.

So, benefits, big time. That's two sets of the sick, plus carer's allowances, housing benefit, no council tax, and £62,000.

Dr Neil Brener, a consultant psychiatrist at North London's Priory Hospital, said in a report: "Clearly Mr Rondeau has been through a very traumatic experience.

He feels he has been treated like a cream puff, even though he has been handsomely rewarded."

He added: "This lady's tits severely distressed Mr Rondeau and left him quite comfortably off."

Meanwhile the taxpayer gets it up the shitter.

The Penguin

Lord Voldemort's Foul Mouthed Tirade In Full

Newspaper reports have been carefully edited to try and spare potty-mouthed Business And Bribes Secretary Lord Voldemort from accusations that he lacks Boris Johnson's particular flair for the judicious use of the vernacular idiom.

Angered by some remarks by hugely successful entrepreneurial businessman and billionaire Howard Schultz, Lord Voldemort let rip.

"That fucking cunt!! - who the fucking hell does he think he is, the fat bald cunt? How fucking dare he criticise the UK economy? The only reason the fucking UK fucking economy is in the shit is because fucking bastards like him have been ripping us off for cups of third rate fucking coffee! He can take his fucking Starbucks and shove them up his fucking enormous fucking arse! With a fucking muffin! Bugger me backwards with a brass bargepole, if I wasn't a fucking pacifist I'd punch his fucking lights out!"

The Penguin

Gordon Blames Tax Havens Such As The Vatican

The Great Bogey Gobbler of Fife has declared war on tax havens, such as Lichtenstein and The Caymans. He is planning to fly to one such tax haven personally, so he can snatch billions of unpaid taxes from the leader of these pernicious tax dodgers, a shadowy figure who has tried to severe connections with his Nazi past by calling himself Benedict instead of Goering. This evil mastermind, who is called His Holiness by his gang, hangs out in a complex of buildings in Rome, called The Vatican, where he is guarded by notorious Swiss mercenaries.

Armed with a Karate Chop, Gordon the Fearless Bottler will confront "Benedict" and demand he hand over all the loot that the gang stole from the Treasury Coffers before Good King Henry The Wife Killer threw them out of England some years ago.

The Penguin

The Police State Doesn't Apply To Pikeys

Minister Of Police Tony "Mad Dog" McNumpty has rubbished the claims of the former head of MI5 that NuLiebore are creating a Police State.

"She's talking bollocks!" said McNumpty, "And I have the phone taps and the video evidence to prove it."

Meanwhile Inspector Knacker of the Cambridgeshire Cuntstabulary has failed to make a single arrest let alone bring any charges against a bunch of thieving pikeys accused of over 250 crimes against one household.

"We don't have the courage or the resources to tackle incidents like this involving the travelling community" said a spokesweasel yesterday." It's much safer and warmer sitting in the office filling out diversity statements and having a nice cup of tea. Besides, the fucking magistrates would just let them off with a safari holiday thrown in, so we've given up bothering."

The Penguin

Amid All The Politics And Strife, Something Different

Back in 1998 23 year old Andrew Cockles was taking a gap year following his graduation with a first in law from the University of Canterbury, and travelling through South Africa when he encountered a lion. The lion was thin and emaciated, and Andrew noticed it was limping badly. He offered the lion some of his food, and bit by bit won the animal's trust, enabling him to examine the poor creature's front right paw, where he discovered an abcess caused by a huge thorn. He used his first aid kit and some brandy to clean the abcess and remove the thorn, before bandaging the paw.

He returned the next day with a goodly supply of raw meat from the butcher, fed the lion and changed the dressing. He had also had the sense to bring a bucket and a jerry can of fresh water. Needless to say, the meat and drink were meat and drink to the hungry lion, and Andrew had established a routine which he maintained for over a week, until one day the lion was no longer there to greet him.

Hoping that his unusual new friend had returned to the wild and was now able to fend for himself, Andrew carried on his travels, and eventually returned to Tunbridge Wells and became a solicitor, specialising in taking on cases in civil rights and those where a miscarriage of justice was suspected or claimed.

He married Yvette in 2005 and in 2009 they decided to take a winter holiday in South Africa, to get away from the nasty weather in England.

Andrew hired a Toyota Amazon and they set out to try and re-track his earlier foray into the Veldt. Several idyllic days passed, and they were just about to set off one morning, having struck camp and reloaded the 4X4 when a large male lion emerged from the bush only a few yards from their vehicle. The lion approached slowly, sniffing the air, and then sat down looking at Andrew.

Yvette was rather scared, and was tugging Andrew's arm, trying to get him to get into the Toyota, but he was rooted to the spot. "It'll be fine, Yvette, " he said, "I think it's the lion I helped! It's amazing - after all these years, he still remembers me!"

With that, he boldy walked up to the lion and reached out to lift up it's paw.

The lion bit his head off, spat it out, and dragged the rest of the lifeless solicitor off into the bushes.

Yvette threw up, and had to drive back to town on her own. She even left the head behind.

Now, was it the same lion or not?

The Penguin

Desperate Times, Desperate Measures

Mr. Tessa Jowell, aka David "Dodgy" Mills is facing some difficulties over appealing against his four and a half years doing "polenta" in some Italian prison, where he worries about all those rough Mafia types thinking he has a pretty mouth. Because he was found guilty, he has to pay his own legal costs, plus fund the appeals.

Sadly, this is proving to be a bit difficult. His country pile is being devalued by Gordon's "No More Boom And Bust" price adjustment, and by the neighbouring pikey camp, which a Government Inspector has granted four years grace to remain, making it unsaleable as the Labour introduced HIPS report would have to declare "Thieving Pikeys Next Door". Honestly you'd think it was a conspiracy, wouldn't you?

So, in desperation Mr. Tessa has placed adverts in some select gentlemens' publications.

"Special Personal Services Available in London.
Well educated and well endowed Lady of a certain age
will provide intimate personal services for gentleman
of discernment. Although perhaps not as firm as in her
prime, Tessa's Tits are fine for a Soapy Tit Wank, and
her arsehole has not really been used much as she has
spent so many years spouting shit out of her mouth.
And, with the false teeth removed, she does a fantastic
and completely safe blow job. Prices on request, discounts
available for groups. Cash only, no credit cards
or cheques. Apply David Mills, c/o Senor Berlusconi,
Romano Prodi Way, Via Briberi, Corrupcione, Milano"

As the House of Commons is on holiday for most of the year, Mr. Jowell is sure that this will not adversely affect his wife's supervision of the Olympics, and he is planning to make a few bob on the side flogging some more dodgy deposits to the sperm banks.

The Penguin

Christ, Didn't Her Mother Notice The Queue?

"That's MY boy!"

It now seems that as many as NINE teenagers were all shagging the 15 year old virgin of Eastbourne, Chantelle Steadman, around the time she conceived Maisie Roxanne "Patten". Her sheets must have been crusty and minging, wonder why the Laundry Fairy chez Steadman never noticed?

Her mother's claims that little Alfie Patten, aged 12, was the one who took Chantelle's viginity and got her pregnant on their first and only sexual adventure doesn't fit with the stories being told by everyone else.

Max Clifford claims that little meal ticket Alfie will be having a DNA test "as soon as possible" but that as this involves having to fly in teams of experts from California because no one in the UK knows how to conduct a DNA test it is all taking a bit longer than he'd like. And of course, this allows time for deals to be signed and cheques to clear before any embarrassing results come on top.

Social Services have apparently sent a package of support, which includes three nappies and a gross of condoms. Gordon Brown insists he is getting on with the job, which is the right thing to do.

The Penguin

Advertising Standards Condemn Poster

Wonder what all the fuss is about?

The Penguin

So Much For "British Jobs For British Workers"

"The Claw! The Claw!!"

Just how stupid Mad Gordon McDoom's conference slogan of "British Jobs for British Workers" was is impossible to over-emphasize.

It keeps coming back to bite his saggy arse.

Research by the House of Commons Library into figures released (to government fury) by the Office of National Statistics shows that there are now 3.8 million foreign workers in Britain and the majority are from outside the EUSSR. The numbers have doubled under NuLiebore, despite their claims to have control of our borders.

Yet another triumph for the Home Economics Secretary to add to her catalogue of catastrophes.

This will of course, play well for the BNP.

The Penguin

Gerry Rafferty, Here's A Thank You

Baker Street

Winding your way down on Baker Street
Light in your head and dead on your feet
Well another crazy day, you'll drink the night away
and forget about everything

This city desert makes you feel so cold
It's got so many people but it's got no soul
And it's taken you so long to find out you were wrong
When you thought it held everything

You used to think that it was so easy
You used to say that it was so easy
But you're tryin', you're tryin' now
Another year and then you'd be happy
Just one more year and then you'd be happy
But you're cryin', you're cryin' now

Way down the street there's a light in his place
He opens the door, he's got that look on his face
And he asks you "where have you been?"
You tell him who you've seen
and you talk about anything

He's got this dream about buyin' some land
He's gonna give up the booze and the one night stands
And then he'll settle down, in some quiet little town
And forget about everything

But you know he'll always keep movin'
You know he's never gonna stop movin'
Cause he's rollin', he's a rollin' stone
And when you wake up it's a new morning
The sun is shining, it's a new morning
But you're going, you're going home

Nothing much I can do or say except that Baker Street is definitely one of my favourite songs, and I hope Gerry Rafferty can find some peace of mind.

The Penguin

Government Loans Scheme For Small Businesses A Triumph!

"Who's a clever badger, then?"

A Treasury spokesweasel declared that the Enterprise Finance Guarantee was a great success.

So far all of £12 million has been lent by one bank through the scheme, which has been set up with a BILLION pounds. So just 0.012% of Gordon's much trumpeted help is actually working.

However, the spokesweasel went on to explain, "The EFG achieved it's aim almost immediately, as it got a very good press coverage. We are also delighted that the banks are being so slow to take it up and actually lend money to small businesses, so we don't have to actually pay much out when the small businesses go bust. It's a win-win!"

The Penguin

Mr Tessa Jowell Facing Four Years

It seems that today is the day when corrupt company lawyer Mr. Tessa Jowell will be sentenced to 4 years or so in an Italian prison for his part in getting Berlusconi acquitted from corruption charges.

It was all going so well, until greedy Mr. Tessa Jowell tried to avoid paying tax on the huge wedge that Berlusconi had shoved his way for perjury and foolishly committed some of the actuality to paper. He wrote to his accountant, and that letter ended up in the Italian court. One wonders how it did, perhaps there was a falling out over fees?

Luckily for Berlusconi, they changed the law in Italy to protect senior politicians, so he's laughing and the toad-like David Mills can await extradition. Do you suppose that he'll be doing polenta rather than porridge?

The Penguin

UPDATE: Four years and six months - but the bastard will appeal and appeal and try to work the system until the time limitations stuff clicks in. We can but hope. Still fucking funny, though!

Empire Building

Is it any wonder that Britain has the highest rate for teenage pregnacies in Europe?

There's a fucking government department dedicated to promoting it!

"The Teenage Pregnancy Unit is a cross-Government Unit located within the Department for Education and Skills which was set up to implement the Social Exclusion Unit's report on Teenage Pregnancy. This website contains information about the Government's Teenage Pregnancy Strategy, including guidance issued by the Teenage Pregnancy Unit as well as relevant publications from other Government Departments. There is also information about local implementation of the strategy and details about the Independent Advisory Group on Teenage Pregnancy.

Address:
Teenage Pregnancy Unit
DfES
GD Caxton House
6-12 Tothill Street
London SW1H 9NA"

These civil servants owe their salaries and gold-plated pensions to teenagers having babies.

They will be delighted by the recent news stories about little Alfie and the Triplets.

The lunatics are indeed running the asylum.

The Penguin