Pisspoor Leadership, Pisspoor Performance

Dave and Melissa enjoy a £8,000 Indian (at your expense!)

The cluster-fuck that is Her Majesty's Customs & Revenue continues to attract headlines.

Seems incompetence is rife, morale is below rock-bottom, and as ever it's the taxpayer who gets shafted.


None of this stops those at the top from enjoying the perks of office, though.

Meanwhile at the coal-face their website is barely functional, local offices are closed, and if you do manage to get through their ghastly telephone screening and speak to a real person you find that they are employing the sort of people that Tesco have rejected as being completely useless.

The Penguin

The Miraculous Turnaround

 Well Known Magician Paul Daniels

Call me a cynical old flightless bird, but I am not one tiny bit surprised at the miraculous "improvement" in Lloyds TSB's results, from a £6.2BILLION loss in 2009 to a £2.2BILLION profit in 2010.

It's a classic ploy. Senior management can see that there is an opportunity to have a massive clearout of all the "problems" without getting any blame because of some external calamity or an unusual situation, such as the "banking collapse" or some take-over or other. So not only do you recognise and write-off all the known issues, you also recognise and write-off through the P&L account a good few extra provisional possible maybe problems. This then gives you a very handy cushion going forward, ensuring bonuses and promotions all round as the "recovery" takes place under your wise and brilliant stewardship.

What's the bottom line? What ever the directors want it to be, of course.

Some Banker Or Other

The Penguin

Our High Representative Takes Action

"I've placed a ban on the export of rubber bands to Algeria!"

(Baroness) " Catherine Ashton, EU foreign policy chief Catherine Ashton has said the European Union should consider "restrictive measures" against Libya.

Ashton, speaking this morning ahead of a meeting of EU defence ministers in Hungary later, told reporters the EU would look at travel bans and asset freezes in the next few days. The UN Security Council is meeting later today to discuss the possibility of sanctions.

"For the EU it's time to consider what we call restrictive measures ... to ensure we put as much pressure as possible to try and stop the violence in Libya and see the country move forward," she told reporters.

She said EU defence ministers would discuss how they can best collaborate on the issue.
"I don't think at this point there's any discussion about any sort of military action around Libya," Ashton added. "

Fucking hell, if I was Gaddafi I'd be seriously fucking worried now.

Stupid useless over-paid twat, chosen by the one-eyed bogey muncher.

The Penguin

No Wonder They Look A Bit Porky!

"I Can Recommend The Pork Fillet!"

The resemblance between senior officers at the Met and the porkers down on Jimmy's farm - the straining collars trying not to either burst or strangle the Commisars, that well-fed shiny pinkness, the little piggy eyes almost lost in rolls of lard - seems to be explained by all the eating they have to do in the call of duty.

After all, without hoovering up all that News Corp Chateaubriand and washing it down with Lafitte and Latour, how else would they be able to bring such serious miscreants as Clive Goodman and Glen Mulcaire to justice (while heroically ignoring the bigger and smellier fish)?

Nothing to see here, officer, kindly move along and shoot an electrician on the underground, or bash some demonstrator to death. I'm sure it will get reported in the best possible light, know what I mean?

The Penguin

PS - Seems that Inspector Knacker is being forced to take this a bit more seriously now. If only I had a white-wash factory....

No, Jacqui, Not Because You Are A Woman

Sadly They Are Not Arresting Her

Poor Jacqui Timney. The housewife from Redditch who achieved fame and fortune as a Member of Parliament and Cabinet Minister thanks to her creative designation of "main home" and her carelessness in submitting claims for hubbie's pornography seems unable to grasp the reality of the situation.

She thinks she was subjected to unwarranted scrutiny because she was a woman.

Wrong, Jacqui, you were subjected to entirely reasonable scrutiny because you were a public servant, and that scrutiny found that you are a thief.

Sadly you have managed to get away with it - there was an MP in exactly your circumstances who was forced to resign and pay every penny back, so you got off fucking scot free you moaning bitch.

The Penguin

One Is Judged By The Company You Keep

Looks like Teflon Tone's best friend in Libya is not quite the warm hearted liberal friend of democracy (and oil deals) that he made him out to be.

Still, never mind, WPC Fletcher's killer and the fall-guy for the Lockerbie killings are safe enough.

Maybe if you wash and wash those hands, Tone, the blood won't show?

The Penguin

What's That Awful Smell?

Sir Sherard Cowper-Coles, Laughing All The Way To The Bank

Well. What a fucking surprise! The senior diplomat who was instrumental in getting Inspector Knacker to drop the corruption and bribery investigation and prosecution of BAE, those well-loved merchants of death, has been given a well-paid job (to add to his gold plated diamond-encrusted pension) by BAE.

Nothing to see here, officer, move along now - hold your nose if you like. Fucking rank stench of corruption will soon blow over, plenty more where that came from but the media will soon be distracted by a cross-eyed dog or Jordan's new tattoo.

The Penguin

The Fuckwittery Continues

Different Boss, Same As The Old Boss

The Home Office seems to be incapable of becoming fit for purpose. Following the hiving off to the Ministry Of Justice of the things John "Fuck It" Reid thought were simply too difficult, and the inspired leadership of Jacqui "Box Room" Smith, all it has to look after is crime fighting, public order, and our borders.

The wankers come and go, both Secretaries of State and their senior civil servants, but no one seems able to get a grip and make sense out of the clusterfuck.

Now the UKBA are trying to deport a tax-paying hard-working (until sacked for nopt having the right papers!) nurse, while failing to deport criminals and asylum seekers who are left undisturbed to commit more crimes than enough. Or maybe it's all a cunning plan to ensure that they and their colleagues are seen as needed because of all the crime?

Sack the fucking lot of them and start again.

The Penguin

Larry Gets His First Rat

Downing Street's new mouser has proved he is no puss-over.

His first victim was a two-legged rodent, who should have known better!

The Penguin

Bunga Bunga - Bang Him Up!

With any luck Signor Bungasconi's luck has run out.

Fingers crossed he squeals loud enough to get David Mills a decent jail sentence as well.

The Penguin

Stupid Twat Of The Month

Sonia Carr

A clear winner, despite there being a packed field.

The Penguin

The Lawyers Are Still Smiling, Jim!

The Short, The Thick, and The Tall.

Poor Jim Devine, he must be the stupidest ever Labour MP. His expense fiddles were so crass they were pathetic. Why he was not charged over some of the other blatant dishonest claims, like the shelving or the electrical work I just don't understand.

Then, having admitted on television that he was guilty of fiddling his expenses, he chooses to plead not guilty in court, which will ensure he gets more porridge than pleading guilty. Still, he looks like a porridge stuffer. And his evasions and lies were simply unbelievably piss-poor.

Oddly enough his legal eagles are still all smiles as they leave the court. I do hope they have made sure Jim can pay their fucking bill!

The Penguin

MP's Expenses Fiasco

Many lifetimes ago I ran the accounting function for a company. It was part of a much larger group and had subsidiaries in 10 European countries, reported to the USA and was ultimately Canadian. I had 18 staff, and dealing with employees expense claims was part of the remit of the department.

One full time clerk, numerate and literate but not professionally qualified, dealt with processing expense claims. The cashier arranged payment of them once approved, just one part of her job.

I dealt with any queries - things that seemed excessive, odd, unsupported, or outside of the rulebook.

We had expense claims from sales teams, directors, auditors, engineers, van drivers, a whole variety of people and circumstances.

We had the occasional argument, usually with the Sales Director about throwing out his salesmens' claims, but at the end of the day I could always win the argument by reference to the Inland Revenue's rules on wholly, entirely, and necessarily incurred whilst doing the job. Of course, there was also a lot of backing from the Company Rule Book and the general fear of the Internal Audit Gestapo and the External Auditors.

I find the costs of running the IPSA set up quite baffling. I'm pretty sure I could do it for rather less....

The Penguin

Lest We Forget

The Penguin

Where The Fuck Was This Superwoman?

It seems I can hardly access the news of late without another scathing attack on government incompotence and waste by the fearless House of Commons Public Accounts Committee and it's outstanding and outspoken chairman.

Latest victim is the clusterfuck Highways Agency who took an astounding 9 years to make a decision and get on with widening the M25, driving up the costs by around a billion quid.

Just where was this superwoman when we needed her rapier intellect and flawless judgement when it might have made a fucking difference?

Oh, yeah, that's right. She was a fucking cabinet minister in the fuckwit government.

The Penguin

Well, There's A Surprise!

Sir Huge Ordure, president of ACPO

I'm shocked rigid.

It seems that the shareholders and management of a private limited company called ACPO Ltd who have somehow managed to assume and abuse a position of power in the field of law and order in order to make themselves rich do not appreciate the concept of having elected Police Commissioners with the power to hire and fire Chief Cunstables.

Whoever would have thought it? I mean, turkeys vote for Christmas, don't they?

The Penguin

Total Policing?

£50,000 For This? It's Not Even A Pickled Fish, For Fuck's Sake!!

Northumberland's Police Farce continue to cover themselves in glory.

They have just spent an eye-watering £27 MILLION on a shiny new headquarters building, and added insult to injury by installing a crass piece of "art" with the fuckwit title of "Total Policing" at a cost of £50,000 while they are trying to get 450 voluntary redundancies amongst the staff.

This is the very same Plod Squad whose recent exploits have included the Rolly Mole Manhunt, a copper banged up for raping women in custody, and running over and killing pedestrians before insulting them.

The Penguin

Another Triumph For The UK Borders Agency

Sack The Useless Bitch

Ignoring for now the many murders committed by criminals who are out on bail awaiting trial when they should be in custody (maybe Ken Clarke could accommodate them at one of his homes if there's no room in prison?) what about the fucking useless performance of the unfit-for-purpose clusterfuck imaginatively called the UK Borders Agency?

We might as well sack them all and save a few quid. Or in the case of the imbecile in charge, quite a few quid.

There's evidence a plenty of how crap they are. Here's another case. This piece of shit, named after the holy prophet and child molester, has been an illegal immigrant and failed asylum seeker here for 14 years without the UKBA deporting him.

Now we have to pay extra for him to have all the comforts and rights of being a prisoner in our cosy criminal justice system instead of just whatever benefits he's been entitled to, and some poor girl and her family have a living nightmare to endure. And the fuckwit judge didn't even insist he was deported.

The Penguin

Is Stephen Fry Too Clever To Be A Homosexual?

It seems that you have to pass an IQ test to take it up the wrong 'un these days, and might find yourself with a court injunction restricting you to wanking in the bathroom.

http://www.annaraccoon.com/politics/too-stupid-for-sex/

But taking this to the other end of the sprectum, could Stephen Fry and his ever-so-clever "special friends" ( such as Lord Voldemort) be at risk of a court ruling stopping them from engaging in the pink oboe or even a bit of turd-burgling because they have too high an IQ?

I do believe that the law is an ass.

The Penguin

Fucking Outrageous!

Words fail me.

The Penguin

Come On, Pickles, Fucking DO Something!

£218,592 Plus Perks and Pension

I want to see Eric Pickles actually taking the fucking axe to these piss-taking town hall troughers rather than just talking.

This po faced bitch is a prime example. I doubt if anyone would miss her, other than her chums at the trough.

The Penguin

Surprise Surprise - Bliar Sucked Gaddafi's Cock

Well, who would have believed it?

That outstanding statesman and tower of moral turpitude, Saint Tony Bliar, turns out to have been only too willing to go down on his knees and suck Gaddafi's cock in the service of rich oil companies and bankers making even more money.

And all his little lickspittle minions were only too ready to do the same. As was Airmiles Andy. And then lie about it.

Yawn.

The Penguin