Friday 30 December 2011

Treacherous Bastard Still Lying To Protect His "Reputation"

"My masters in Brussels have instructed me to get rid of Margaret Thatcher"

Lord Howe, the erstwhile Chancellor whose treachery and disloyalty was largely responsible for stabbing Margaret Thatcher in the back and bringing about the demise of the best Prime Minister this country has had in living memory, is desperately trying to weasel his way out of the official records of his time in office.

He is claiming that his written advice to abandon Liverpool to "managed decline" in favour of potentially more productive areas such as the West Midlands or the North East is somehow not the sort of thing he would have done, especially as a Merseyside MP.

What a filthy bit of shit he is. I wonder if the good folk of Liverpool will take kindly to these revelations - I don't suppose the weasel still has a home there now he doesn't need their votes to keep his snout in the trough.

The Penguin

Wednesday 28 December 2011

Saving Money At The Sales

Excellent News from Oxford Street!

The tax-payer has saved a small fortune in not having to pay to have black teenage gangster and shoplifter banged up in prison and kept on a life-time of benefits. Result!!

Probably loads more saved in not having to support a whole raft of illegitimate bastards he could have fathered as well.

All in all, quite pleasing.

The Penguin

Monday 26 December 2011

Time To Apologise, Tam Dalyell

At last the proof is out in the open, that the sinking of the Belgrano was perfectly valid and justified as it was obeying Agentinian orders to proceed into the exclusion zone, not sailing for port as some have erroneously claimed.

High time that sanctimonious and hypocritical Scottish windbag and expense trougher "Tam Dalyell" made a very humble apology to Margaret Thatcher.

Fat chance, of course, these champagne socialists are incapable of admitting they were wrong, and the Scottish variety are the very worst sort.

The Penguin

PS Actually Sir Thomas Dalyell Loch, 11th Baronet

Saturday 24 December 2011

Super Mario

The Penguin

Happy Christmas, You Huhne!

Fingers crossed that the wankers at the CPS don't bottle it, it's a open and shut case.

 Shame that the Huhne is unlikely to face doing a stretch, though.

The Penguin

Tuesday 20 December 2011

Quick!! Build Boris Island and Leave The EUSSR

The fuckwits at the EUSSR commissariat are trying to tax global airlines over their carbon footprints.

Golden Opportunity Knocks!!

Build Boris Island only even bigger, and link it into another Channel Tunnel (without letting any Frogs or Jeeermans have any shares). Leave the EUSSR and clean up, as we'd not only have all the banking transactions and financialservices, we'd have all the flights as well. Landing fees, duty frees, jobs....

Come on, Dave, get with the moment!

The Penguin

Covering Up The Cover Up

It's always the cover-up that gets them in the end.

We've now had the cover-up of the cover-up of the white-wash.

Sooner or later the truth will out. Keep Sweating, Bliar.

The Penguin

Monday 19 December 2011

The Kim Is Dead, Long Live The Kim

Odd how so-called "communist" North Korea seem to have an aristocracy and hereditary rights to the throne for the "royal" family.

While their people starve, the presumably well-fed military keep the Kims in power.

Now that poor old fruit-cake Kim Jog Off has popped his clogs - probably through over-indulgence in lobsters and fine French wines - the fat-faced Kim Jog On takes his place.


The Penguin

Friday 16 December 2011

Awww, The Poor Trough Pig Is "Unfit" To Plead

Doesn't it just wrench at your heart-strings to see how poor little trough-pig Margaret Moron has let herself go since the expenses scandal?

I mean, I don't think she was that fit in the first place, personally, but she's definitely on the untouchable list now.

The Penguin

Monday 12 December 2011

Another Beneficial Side Effect

Wanker's Cramp Demonstrated

Apart from being enormously welcome as a step on the path to telling the EUSSR to fuck off and die horribly, Dave's veto has had a very beneficial side effect.

It has shown up just what a two-faced spineless cowardly treacherous traitorous cunt Nick Clegg really is.

Come the time for the boot to be put in, he's given all of his political opponents silver-plated bullets to shoot him with. He really is a light-weight even amongst the likes of Saint Vince and That (Other) Cunt Huhne.

The Penguin

Saturday 10 December 2011

Another Incompetent Turd Keeps Floating To The Top

Christ On A Bike, just how do these fuckwits keep a job, let alone keep getting promoted?

Dave "Free Lunches" Hartnet gets to retire with millions of pounds worth of pension and perks rather than being sacked for gross incompetence and taking too many "free" lunches and dinners with folk who don't pay nearly enough tax, and is being replaced with the serially fucking useless Lin Homer, who presided over the Birmingham ballot-rigging and the UK Borders Agency fiascos.

Surely there has to be someone marginally capable they could promote instead of this twat?

The Penguin

Friday 9 December 2011

Ugly Looking Woman Of The Week

Arbeit macht frei, anyone?

The Penguin

So Much For The Wind Farms

Proves just how useful they are.

Like a chocolate teapot.

The Penguin

Tuesday 6 December 2011

Re-Writing Recent History?

"Lord" Stevens, who was such a brilliant Commissar of the Metropolitan Police Farce has been asked by "Yvette" Balls to head up a talking shop to look into policing.

Is this the same top copper on whose watch an innocent electrician was murdered on an underground train - but no worries, promotions all round for the guilty parties?

Is this the same top copper on whose watch crime fell to such low levels that locksmiths in London were topping themselves because householders were able to leave their doors open?

Is this the same top copper on whose watch scum like Dodgy Dizai played the race card to achieve unwarranted promotion?

Is this the same top copper on whose watch the lucky denizens of London had a policeman permanently positioned on every street corner twenty-four seven?

Is this the same top copper on whose watch the initial enquiry into phone hacking was such a thorough-going success leading to loads of prosecutions and convictions and an end to sleaze in the tabloids?

Is this the same top copper who was so admired by his police authority that the Mayor of London begged him not to take early retirement?


The Penguin

Saturday 3 December 2011

What A Brilliant Choice!

The thugs who run Bahrein have chosen most wisely.

If you want a whitewash, Yates ex-of the Yard is the man.

The Penguin

Monday 21 November 2011

Progress Report

A funeral fit for a pikey prince

Official Progess Report by The Commissar and The Chief Stooge
Into the Whitewash Cover Up Over The Perfectly Reasonable
Shooting Of Some Black Gangster.

We note that there has been some criticism of the way that our whitewash is progressing and would like to point out that it is of no help what so ever in making comments until our whitewash is complete and everyone has forgotten what the fuck is was all about. Just move along, nothing to see here, and the X-Factor is about to start, you would want to miss that now would you?

The Penguin

Saturday 19 November 2011

Grow A Spine, Dave!

For Fuck's Sake, Dave, just tell the frumpy bitch to fuck the fuck off.

Put it in terms the cow can understand - they go for a Tobin Tax, Britain leaves the EUSSR. Immediately, non-negotiable. This will save us BILLIONS every fucking week. Not to mention the benefits for our farmers and fishermen.

And don't tell us that the Germans will refuse to sell us cars and dishwashers - and even if they did, there are other options.

So grow a spine and get popular in your own country!

The Penguin

Friday 11 November 2011

That's It - The Frogs Are Doomed!!!

The Curse Of Jonah has descended upon the cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

After being close to invisible for months, Gordoom McDoom has suddenly stepped out of the shadows and pronounced that France is next down the shitter of the Eurozone Economic Miracle.

They have no chance.

What a pity.

The Penguin

Saturday 29 October 2011

How Very Strange?

"They Don't Like It Up Them, Captain Mainwaring, Sir!"

How strange that Saif Al-Islam Quaddafi is trying to negotiate a surrender to the cushy holiday camp in the Hague and to face war crimes charges there.

I mean, why on earth would he want to avoid being a martyr to the cause like good old dad?

Anyone would think he didn't fancy being beaten to a pulp and buggered with an iron rod before being shot.

The Penguin

Tuesday 25 October 2011

Rot In Perpetuity

So they have buried Mad Dog Quaddafi and his son in unmarked graves at a secret location, having avoided the costs and fuss of a trial and imprisonment by expediently bumping them off.

They have also created a whole new enterprise scheme for entrepreneurial Libyans, who can start up companies offering guided tours of the "secret graves".

Bloody smart, really.

The Penguin

*"With his stupid face, the glasses, and the gun"

Saturday 15 October 2011

More Stupidity, But No One Will Get The Sack

"Move Along, No-one To Be Disciplined Here, Sir!"

We live in a time when calling 999 to report the theft of lead on a roof gets the response of "Sorry, it would be too dangerous for us to investigate because we'd have to use a ladder" and calling 999 to report an attack on a girl in a car gets allocated a 4-hour response target, but when some idiot reports a Canada Goose culled on a gold course the police farce swing into action, and the CPS waste public money prosecuting.

Fortunately in this case the magistrates threw it out, because:
1. The perpetrator had a perfectly valid shotgun licence
2. He had the requisite licenses to cull the goose for legal reasons
3. He had the permission of the golf course management to shoot on the premises

Ignoring the busy-body who reported it to the police, what is the mind-set of the police in bothering to pursue this whilst ignoring real crimes? It rather looks like the "go for the easy target" approach in my opinion.

The Penguin

PS Here's another fine example!

Thursday 13 October 2011

The Alice In Wonderland World Of Dave "Scoffer" Hartnett

Must be fantastic (in every sense) to be Dave "Scoffer" Hartnett, the apparently unsackable twat in charge (!) of Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs.

Paid a modest £160,000 plus all the free lunches and dinners and overseas trips he can fit in between presiding over fuckup after farce after fuckup at HMRC, he shakes hands on a deal to let those Masters of The Universe Goldman Sachs off a paltry £10 million quid after five years of being buggered about, and then blatantly lies to the Parliamentary Committe, saying he doesn't have anything to do with their tax affairs.

I'd have thought £10 million quid was quite a lot to do with their tax affairs, and even that useless hypocrite Margaret "No Kiddy Fiddling Here" Hodge suggested he was lying.

Turns out he was just dragged into the room to kiss their ring-pieces because his junior staff had upset them, and no other senior official knew anything about tax, so it had to be him. As, apparently, it often has to be. Luckily in this tim eof cutbacks and austerity they are recruiting 2 more Commissioners who they hope might know something about tax. I don't suppose that means they'll be sacking the others, sadly.

Never mind, I'm sure the huge increase in the penalty regime for ordinary tax payers being a few days late filing returns or getting confused over the complicated rules and regulations will be used wisely to pay these chaps inflated salaries and expenses. It won't be wasted at a tax office near you, where you used to be able to go for help and advice, they've been closed.


The Penguin

Saturday 8 October 2011

Working His Nuts Off?

Nice work if you can get it, Chief Cuntstable.

High time we had elected Police Commissioners answerable to the local people whose taxes pay for these trough pigs.

The Penguin

Tuesday 27 September 2011

How To End The Recession

There's a blindingly obvious solution which could be implemented quite quickly.

Compulsory euthanasia for anyone over 75.

NHS saves money. Councils save money on care homes, lots of housing gets freed up so no need to build on the green belt, inheritances bring money into the economy. Funeral directors get rich and need more staff, creating jobs for those who used to work in care homes, hospital beds get freed up, DWP save a fortune on pensions and pension credits, pension companies get massive windfalls and can be taxed on them, and it could even be a green revolution using them as fuel in power stations rather than just the occasional council swimming pool warmed by the local crematorium.

After all, then there'd be loads of money for a decent innings over 5 years over the allotted 3 score and ten, rather than hanging on until the NHS can be bothered to bump you off through neglect and starvation if you're too bloody-minded to cop C-Diff or MRSA.

The Penguin

Friday 23 September 2011

Our Reporter Made His Excuses And Left

Not So Funny When It's You?

"Last night, when asked about the News International payments, Mr Wallis’s solicitor issued a statement alleging that information about his client had been leaked by Scotland Yard.

Phil Smith of Tuckers Solicitors said: “I confirm that we have today complained formally to The Metropolitan Police over the leaking of information from Operation Weeting to The Daily Telegraph.

“We object to the publication of any story based on this information which has been obtained from a source with no authority to place such information in the public domain. We will be pursuing this matter further.”"

Funny thing, that - the scumbag journalist and his legal team objecting to stories in the press resulting from leaked information....

The Penguin

Martin "Fluffy Bunny" McGuinness - The Truth

"You'd better be careful, accidents happen you know!"

Martin McGuinness wants to become President of Ireland.

So his past as a commander in the Provisional IRA needs to be properly explained.

"I was in charge of flower arranging, that's all it ever was, and anyone saying different will have trouble walking after I've fucking knee-capped them. That's if they don't just disappear first!"

So now we know.

The Penguin

Wednesday 21 September 2011

Fuckwit Jobsworth Of The Week

"I'm Disappointed, She Was Guilty And Should Have Been Hung Drawn and Quartered!"

Congratulations to Councillor Clyde Loakes, Waltham Forest Council Cabinet Member for Environment, who still can't see common sense despite getting a severe kicking from a Crown Court Judge for wasting £15,000 on a pointless prosecution over the re-use of a cardboard box.

You Fuckwit!

The Penguin

Saturday 17 September 2011

Another Self-Inflicted PR Disaster For The Met

Fuck me, will they never learn?

Not content with shooting innocent electricians because they were a tad sun-tanned, or brutally knocking down passing drunks, or lying their heads off about the circumstances in which some gangsta got himself shot and thereby causing the odd riot, the knobheads in blue have decided that they'll try and use the Official Secrets Act against journos at the Grauniad to find out who had the temerity to leak information about their completely crap non-investigation into the NoTW phone-hacking.

Did no-one think to say, "Guv, don't do it, the non-Murdoch press will crucify us!"

You'd think the new head boy would be keen to make a good start to his tenure - which he'd never have had if the storm of revulsion over the hacking revelations and anger over the lack of proper investigation had not forced some of the fat bastards at the top to "resign" and enjoy their pensions.

The Penguin

PS I was right.

Small Wonder That Plod Have Lost The Respect Of Joe Public

Surprise, surprise, despite a torrent of criticism from the inquest and even from the normally supine Independent Police Complaints Commission, no disciplinary action will be taken against any of the useless plods who so badly failed in their duty to protect the victims of yob abuse.

Oddly enough, none of the yobs have ever been prosecuted.

High time for locally elected police chiefs who have the clout to kick arse and get the complacent arse-covering police establishment to do the job they are over-paid for but not actually doing.

What's the betting that if the victims had been Ethnic then the police and the local council would have acted very differently?

The Penguin

Thursday 15 September 2011

I Feel Sorry For The Pigs

"Lord" Hanningfield has been arrested yet again over his expenses, this time by the local Essex plod, who are famously thorough, just ask Chris "Points" Huhne.

I wonder if the former pig farmer gave his poor porkers a fair chance at the trough, or did they have to wait until the greedy bastard had had his fill?

The Penguin

Saturday 10 September 2011

Common Sense Versus Big Business


Genetically Modified Crops
- Ben says don't believe the spin!

I was talking to someone at DEFRA, and they happened to mention in passing:
'you know, we had a big presentation from the industry, and really,
GM crops will have to be allowed in if we're to feed everyone,
its the only way to solve the food crisis'
Now, this is complete and utter rubbish.

It is a line that has been put forward by the GM public relations people in the newspapers as well.
The reality is that these faceless corporations have sunk billions and billions of borrowed dollars developing these things, and whether they work or not, they are desperate to get some profit from them any way they can.

So they are lobbying the government to allow them to sell GM seed in the UK, using whatever the latest worry is. (Last year it was the need for higher vitamins in rice, then cheap drugs from corn, now the 'food crisis'. )
Once we plant GM crops there's no going back - the genes will escape into wild plants and other food crops.
We must all resist this cynical sales push.
Interestingly, Genetically modified crops are the agricultural equivalent of what has been going on with the banks.
The parallels are striking:
  • developed to create a profitable 'new market' where none existed before
  • massively hyped as a 'new way of doing things'
  • hard to understand, even by the regulators
  • so regulators accept industry assurances at face value
  • and not investigated or tested for safety before use.
  • potentially very dangerous to the public
  • designed to be costly to large numbers of 'little people' worldwide
  • designed to be profitable to just a handful of corporations in USA
  • very difficult to contain once the effects get out of control (a "systemic" risk)
And this briefing to the government is simply not true.
Forgetting all the arguments about toxicity and genetic pollution for the moment, concentrate on this simple fact:

GM crops will have LOWER yields than natural plants.

Why GM Crops will have Lower Yields
It's pretty obvious, looking at this diagram:
Here's a plant , making food from sunlight, as it ought to. It sits there, soaking up sunlight all summer, making grain or corn or whatever.

Now take that plant, and put in a poison gene from a bacteria. It is locked 'on', so that every bit of the plant has to use some of its energy making a toxic compound.
You can see that you are putting the same energy in, but of course some of that is diverted into making the toxin. Leaving LESS food for us to eat.
So there you are. Don't believe it, GM crops won't solve any crisis - they just want our money.
And they don't care if they poison us & destroy the eco-system (all that toxin might not be so great, you know) in the process.
GM crops pose a huge risk to the food chain.
GM foods have not been safety-tested, and should be resisted at all costs.
note : Ben studied genetic engineering at the Department of Plant Sciences in Cambridge.
The security of the worlds food supply is at stake here,
at risk to the same sort of short-term, ignorant, greedy fools who wrecked the banking system.

Postscript: I wrote this in 2008. In 2009 a scientific study by the UCS looking at two dozen different crop trials came to the same conclusion - GM Seeds do not increase yields.

(The Penguin has an allotment!) 

Friday 9 September 2011

Favourable Odds

Officially the odds are of 1 in 13,983,816 for the possibility of a National Lottery UK Lotto jackpot win - from their website.

However, the fucking numpties at NASA are happily predicting odds of just 3,200 to one that 55o kg of scrap metal will hit someone sometime in the next few months.

And you don't even have to buy a fucking ticket!

The Penguin

Thursday 8 September 2011

Mad Dog Quaddafi Smarter Than Jonah Brown

He is completely barking mad, but the Mad Dog of Libya is still a fucking sight smarter than the Saviour Of The World (Starting In America), the invisible Member for Kirkcaldy Jonah Brown.

Quaddafi sold his gold at the top of the boom.

Jonah sold ours at rock bottom, the fuckwitted numpty.

The Penguin

Saturday 3 September 2011

Poor Old Cherie Loses Appeal

No, not that sort of appeal, she's about as attractive as a particularly ugly bulldog chewing a wasp - but the Court of Appeal have given her a right slapping for letting a bloke caught with serious amounts of cocaine off with a suspended sentence, and have instead decided to bang him up for three and a half years.

Cherie's problem is that she's so used to getting away with all sorts of dodgy stuff herself that she is a soft touch when it comes to punishing other people. Not exactly what you want in a judge sitting in our laughable criminal justice system, is it?

Perhaps Ken Clarke could put her out of our misery?

The Penguin

Wednesday 31 August 2011

Mad Old Bitch Strikes Again

Fuck me but you know things are desperate when that mad meddling old harridan Vanessa Redgrave turns up with a camera man and a reporter.

You wouldn't want the pikeys in your garden, luvvie darling, so keep your fucking nose out.

The Penguin

Tuesday 16 August 2011

What's The Betting He Was "Ethnic"?

Another yoof dead.

I do hope he didn't pollute the gene pool before he went.

1. January 19th: Wing Juan Ho, 18, fatally stabbed in the chest at his home in Finsbury Park, north London - a 16-year-old youth, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has been charged with his murder and the attempted murder of the victim's mum and dad  

2. January 20th: schoolboy Kasey Gordon, 15, from the Green Lanes area of Harringay, fatally stabbed yards from the gates of Park View Academy school in Tottenham, north London, where he was a pupil - a 33-year-old man has been charged with his murder

3.January 24th: student Ezekiel Amosu, 17, was killed after being chased into the path of a double decker bus by a gang of muggers who tried to steal his mobile phone in Walthamstow, east London. A 15-year-old has been charged with manslaughter

4.January 29th: Daniel Graham, 18, repeatedly stabbed near East Dulwich railway station in south London after several youths were thrown out of a birthday party at nearby Dulwich Hamlet Football Club's ground when fighting broke out. Two teenagers have been charged with his murder  

5. April 10th: schoolboy Negus McClean, 15, stabbed to death in Edmonton, north London

6. May 11th: Temidayo Fuwad Ogunneye, 15, fatally stabbed in Camberwell, south London

7. June 6th: business studies student Nana Darko-Frempong, 18, shot dead in a drive-by shooting near his home in Tulse Hill, south London

8. July 1st: schoolboy Yemurai Kanyangarara, 16, of Belvedere, south east London, had his throat slashed in nearby Welling  

9. August 15th: Kelvin Chibueze, 17, from Croydon, fatally stabbed following a party in Ilford

The Penguin

Wednesday 10 August 2011

Come On, Why This One?

What on earth are all these feral black scum doing making a fuss because one of them got shot and died?

After all, it's not as it it is unusual? There's always reports in the news media about some black gangsta aged 17 being shot dead or shooting some innocent 3 year old in a shop because they are so thick they can't aim the gun properly.

Oh, right, it's because the dead hoodlum was shot by the Met?


The Penguin

Sunday 7 August 2011

Out Of Time

Sorry it's been quiet, I've been in a time-warp at Ragley Hall, at the Midlands History Festival since Wednesday ( even flippers can lend a hand....)

The Penguin

Sunday 31 July 2011

Nominations, Please, For Cunts Of The Year Awards

Surely Have To Be Serious Contenders?

Now we are well past the half way marker, I think we should start to consider nominating potential prizewinners for our "Cunts Of The Year 2011" awards.

There are an infinite number of categories to nominate, for example Piers Morgan might possibly find himself nominated in a number of categories such as "Smug Cunt Of The Year" or "Lying Cunt Of The Year" - but it is a target-rich field in so many categories.

Please indicate which category you are choosing for your candidate or candidates - you can vote early and often! - and some rationale for your choice or choices would help us in selecting the winners.

Don't be shy - there are LOADS of cunts out there all desperate to get an award, so let's be generous and spread the appreciation we all have for these cunts as wide as possible.

The Penguin

Tuesday 26 July 2011

How Much Water Do You Want In Your Bacon?

Frankly, I much prefer my bacon without added water, that way I can fry it rather than boil it in a frying-pan.

So the idea of making it illegal to have any more than 5% water or else having to call it "Bacon with added Water" strikes me as being a step in the right direction.

Cue squeals of rubbish from the British Rip-Off Consortium. "Customers won't like it, it won't be all wet and white-flecked and slimy. They are too stupid to care that we shove 15% or even 22% of added water in to bulk it up and make it weigh more so they pay loads more money for less real bacon, we've been doing this for so long they don'y know any better and won't appreciate it without all that water!"


The Penguin

Still Plenty Of Shit To Go Round

I watched the "Dispatches" programme about how Dirty Rupe corrupted the government and the police. It is pretty obvious that this scandal still has plenty of life in it, and there are plenty of targets to throw the shit at.

Wonderful to see how well some of these creeps are being made to look like the scum they are - Andy Heyman, Yates No Longer Of The Yard, Lord Useless Macdonald. Lord Spineless Goldsmith, Snotgobbler McBruin, Phony Bliar....

More popcorn, please!

The Penguin

Wednesday 20 July 2011

Consulting His Lawyers, I Hope

If I were Berky The Squeaker, nominally in charge of the trough-circus known as Parliament, I would be expecting to hear very soon from top legal eagles representing an old age pensioner who was physically attacked whilst attending an official Parliamentary committee meeting on the Parliamentary estate, in full view of live television cameras.

Probably on a conditional fee basis.

Out of court settlement and gagging order, naturally.

The Penguin

Tuesday 19 July 2011

Room At The Top

The Titans Of The Past Share Some Smug Smirks

Oh dear, seems there's such a dearth of decent candidates that the Met have been forced to promote Cressida Dickhead, famous for her bungled management of the police operation that killed an innocent electrician thought to be guilty of having a bit of a suntan.

If only they still had Ali Dizaei to call upon. Or his mate Tariq Guffaw...

The Penguin

Friday 15 July 2011

Best Show On Earth

As the revelations of collusion and corruption and desperate over-chumminess between the politicians, the press, and the police continue to unravel in a blaze of publicity, trashing reputations and showing all involved to be less than fit to hold any public office or position of influence, it occurs to me that this is probably the Greatest Show On Earth.

Pass the popcorn!

The Penguin

Thursday 14 July 2011

My Revenge, By James Gordon Brown

"Fellow Parliamentarians, I have come down from my mountain retreat to slay the wicked evil dragon that is the Murdoch Empire. I was prevented from doing this while I was in government because I was desperate for their support for my fuckwitted schemes such as selling all the gold as cheaply as possible and wrecking other peoples' pensions.

I was forced to crawl and suck their nasty rancid cocks because they wielded such power and influence and had made a right mockery of the Welsh windbag, and I knew I was an even more obvious target, what with my nose-picking and the issue with the nappies and the rocking-horse. So I invited a raft of evil journalists to the funeral of my poor dead baby, and when that evil hag with the red hair called to discuss running a story about my son having even less spine than I have I wept tears of rage and fury at my cowardice. So I went along to the wicked witch's wedding and invited her and the wife and daughter of the Evil Emperor over for a pyjama party with my wife at Chequers. But all the time I was trying to resist their complete domination of the media.

It was only the advice of my senior civil servants and a whole raft of colleagues in government that stopped me from setting up a full public inquiry, lead by some old tosser like Lord Hutton of Whitewash, to enquire into rumours that Hugh Grant was overheard ordering a take-away chinese meal. They were even more afraid than I was, and so it came to nothing.

But after the Sun turned on me, ruining my conference triumph and supporting the old Etonian flash git, I decided that I had nothing to lose, other than the election, and so I started keeping a record of all the nasty things that they said about me. And I can tell you, here today in this place of power and privilege, that they said lots of nasty things. I would have sued them for libel, but they were all true.

Which is why I am glad that they are currently in the shit and I am able at last to say that I don't really like them."

From Hansard -ish!

The Penguin

Monday 11 July 2011

Why Are So Many Journalists Such Pond-Life?

Why is it that so many journalists are such moral-free zones?

It's not just the "Tabloid Scum" it's the fucking disgusting hypocrites at the so-called "intellectual" progressive (???) broadshits such as the deluded Polly Twatbee and the know-it all and only 16 and three quarters Johann exposed as a complete plagiarist and wanker, and not before time.

The Penguin

Thursday 30 June 2011

Especially For The Gullible and Inadequate - Cash Only

Fancy having your scrotum pumped up with silicone sealant? Only £120, no guarantees and don't even think of asking to see my qualifications. Just pop along to my crummy flat, mind the cats, drop your keks and spread them....

Oh, I also offer a deep tanning service using finest quality creosote. And never mind that painful hot wax wax brazilian, I have an industrial strength paint stripper will do the job in half the time...

The Penguin

Monday 27 June 2011

A Very Simple Defence, Gentlemen

The Chemical Industry Chiefs and the Banana Bosses have a very simple and easy way to prove to the world (and especially to judges in Louisiana) that there is no ill-effect associated with serial exposure to banned chemical DBCP.

They should line up to be sprayed with it on a daily basis for several months, no protective clothing or masks ahould be required - after all, the plantation workers had none.

Somehow I can't see them volunteering.

Shame they can't be compelled!

The Penguin