Tuesday 31 March 2009

Ignorance Is Bliss?

Europe Minister Flint with a Fat Thief and a Ginger Dwarf

Just when your incredulity is stretched to buggery by the revelations of how much the cunts are stealing from us, along comes this little bombshell.

Caroline "Thetford Forest" Flint, Minister For Europe, has not bothered to read the fucking Lisbon Treaty!

Surely that's a little bit lax?

The Penguin

Blackbirds Are Not Very Bright

When They Were Very Young

I have two Norwegain Forest Cats, brother and sister called Darcy and Pashabelle. They are now about 5 years old, and as we live in a town close to a busy road, they are "caged tigers" as I have enclosed the rear garden with green plastic netting of the sort you might fix to a wall to grow climbing plants such as clematis through.

This is supported by fibre glass tent poles, mostly and some bamboo, and firmly wired together and to the perimeter walls and house. It is defintely cat proof, although Darcy does try it on by walking suspended upside down across it.

One downside is that to prune the encroaching jungle is hard work, and involves shutting the tigers in the house. They are rather large and determined cats who even as kittens broke the catches on the catflap clean off, and they have an aversion to doors being closed. There are often howls of protest and scratchings when I have the temerity to close and lock the bathroom door for reasons of delicacy and privacy.

The result of this additional obstacle to pruning is that the ivy and other climbers are rampant, and ivy produces lots of berries which blackbirds are very fond of, and they ripen in the spring so as to be handy for feeding blackbird chicks.

So the blackbirds nest in the ivy, right on top of the cat caging, which in some cases they incorporate as the foundation. I would not think this a particularly good plan myself. Mostly they get away with it, as the ivy makes it difficult for Darcy, balanced precariously upside down clinging on with three paws, to reach to hoik nestlings out. Pashabelle watches and waits, and then wanders off.

The stupid thing is that the blackbirds can squeeze through to the inside of the cage, and occasionally do. Then they panic and in the confusion the inevitable happens, and there's a corpse left on the kitchen floor or at the foot of the stairs. Considering that Pashabelle sleeps for part of most nights partially on my pillow, I suppose we should be pleased that she doesn't park the corpse there.

And worst, Ma and Pa Blackbird seem to think that the inside of the cage is a great place to arrange first flying lessons for the sprogglings. Spring is sprung, and soon the cycle will begin again.

On the plus side, the newts are thriving in the pond.

The Penguin

Myner's Goose Well Cooked

What a tragedy for My Lord Myners, to fall so spectacularly from grace so fucking quickly after his elevation to the peerage so he could serve in Gordon's Government of the Talent Free.

Seems he was told all about Fred the Shred's very generous pension, and didn't do anything about it. Except lie to the Parliamentary Committee when the shit hit the fan, in an absurd attempt to blame anyone but himself for being a cunt.

Stupid thing is, anyone looking at the published glossy RBS plc accounts for 2007 could have found out exactly what Sir Fred Goodwin's pension entitlement was. Information widely available in the public domain.

Let's hope that he has the decency to resign and fuck off and never ever pollute our oxygen supply again.

The Penguin

Cut Fingers? Worth A Quarter Of A Million Each!!

Some overpaid tossers completely out of touch with reality

Fuck me! It's just as well that this cunt only cut 2 of his bleeding fingers, or Christ knows how much he'd have been awarded!

The compensation culture at work.

The Penguin

Gordon's Latest Lecture

"Grab it while you can!"

"In our families we raise our children to work hard and to do their best and do their bit. We don't reward them for taking risks that would put them or others in danger, and we don't encourage them to seek short-term gratification at the expense of long-term value.

And in Britain's small businesses, managers and owners do not train their teams to invest recklessly, behave secretively or keep their biggest gambles off the books.

Most people who have worked hard to build up their firm or shop don't understand why any company would give rewards for failure; or how MPs have grown fabulously wealthy making claims for second homes and employing family members as wankers.

And so our task today is to bring the imperatives served by our members of parliament into proper alignment with the values held by senior bankers who get even more money than they do - hardly any work, taking expenses, being dishonest, being greedy.

It must be fairly transparent but not openly so. And so our task is to agree global economic rules that protect the enduring values of the money we have stashed away for when the electorate throw us out."

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

Polly Toynbee.

Totally deluded cunt.

The Penguin

Gordon Retreats Into Nationalism And Protectionism

An ugly hypocrite

Never mind the fine rhetoric trotted out as he hectors and lectures the rest of the world about the dangers of retreating into narrow nationalism and beggar-your-neighbour protectionsim, when it comes to Scotland our Beloved Leader, The Great Saviour Of The World, is a fucking hypocrite.

Hence bribing Nationwide with £1.6 BILLION of English taxpayers' money to guarantee Scottish Jobs at Dunfermline Buggered-Up Society.

He may have saved a few votes in nearby Kircaldy, but it may be a very expensive price he'll pay elsewhere.

The Penguin

Taking The Piss

"Oink! Oink! Oink!"

Most all of them are so deep in the trough you can barely make out their trotters, with the possible honourable exception of Philip Hollobone. But some of the "claims" are seriously outrageous.

One fine example of taking the piss is that utter arsewipe Sir Malcolm Rifkind, who claimed £499 for his wife to make three trips between the Commons and Kensington & Chelsea in 2007-08. That would mean each 4 mile one-way journey cost the taxpayer about £166. How the fuckety fucking fuck does that work?

The Penguin

Monday 30 March 2009

Hoon Of The Day

Lee Jasper.

Grasping Cunt.

The Penguin

Some Other Items Included In Jacqui's Allowance Claims

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Dodgy Donations? No Problem, We'll Change The Law!

"Where's my fucking peerage, you cunts?"

After all the fuss about various dodgy donations, and still no clear word or proof of NuLiebore having returned David Abrahams £650,000 or had it confiscated by the Electoral Fraud Commissariat (Postal Votes A Speciality), it seems that the government are trying to slip through legislation that would enable them to keep any dodgy donations even if they came on top.

Nice one!

The Penguin

Big Brother CCTV, Big Bother in Westminster

Farce reigns supreme in Westminster, where one tentacle of Big Brother has ruled that another tentacle is bang out of order and must turn off it's CCTV cameras because they don't meet some minor technical requirement.

What a shower! Still, it's only taxpayers' money.

The Penguin

Which Little Piggy Will Be Next?

The leaking of Mrs Richard Timney's claiming of "adult films" as part of her immoral claims for additional costs involved in having her sister's spare bedroom as her main residence raises a good few laughs, but also one very serious question for the rest of the trough-pigs in the House Of Commons.

What juicy little item will be leaked next? Whose troughing habits will be next under the media spotlight?

I suspect there's a lot of worried pigs!

The Penguin

Keen To Claim, Less Keen To Work?

Two Fat Piggies Went To (The Property) Market

Husband and wife MPs Ann Keen and Alan Keen have done very nicely thank you from the additional homes allowance. They represent adjoining constituencies in West London and live just 9 miles from Westminster, a journey of some 30 minutes by car.

But this was just not good enough, and so they bought an apartment within walking distance of the House of Parliament, assisted by the taxpayer. Both the Keens claimed every penny they could get away with, on top of their salaries and other expenses, and the property has increased in value by some quarter of a million pounds, which is a nice little bonus for them.

The taxpayer does not seem to get much value for money though, as Mr. Keen spoke in just 5 debates last year, and Mrs. Keen was actually sued in court by a disgruntled voter for being useless and found guilty!

The Penguin

Sunday 29 March 2009

Special Award For Services To Journalism

A different horse's arse.

A special Award should be given to Sir Michael "Kneepads" White, the Grauniad's politicial cocksucker for his pathetic attempt to spin Daniel Hannan's splendid skewering of the Prime Mentalist.

I'm just stumped as to what the award should comprise.

He is already getting a right old hammering in the "Comments" despite the censorship.

Any suggestions?

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

Harry Cohen.

Prize Cunt.

The Penguin

Timney Of The Week

"I'm a sorry wanker."

I'm not sure if at my age I need more than one Timney a week!

Getting us off (!) to a splendid start, who better than Richard "Dick" Timney, also known as Mr. Home Economics Secretary!

Home Economics, that's a laugh innit?! £232,000 or so economised on by the Timneys at our expense.

The Penguin

Just What Would It Take, Mr. Lyon?

I confess to being curious as to just what it would take to cause the ineffective and invisible Parliamentary Commissioner For Standards to actually grow a backbone and some testicles and start doing the job he gets £108,000 a year of taxpayers' money for. Plus Pension and Perks, I expect.

Of course, he has the example of Elizabeth Filkin to worry about. But as he can't (from what I understand) be sacked or re-appointed, what the fucking hell is he worried about?

He's got an even bigger blind eye than the Prime Mentalist!

The Penguin

Christ On A Bike! We're Paying Them To Wank!!

Desperate Housewife

Mr. Jacqui Smith, house husband and letter writer paid £40,000 a year of taxpayers' money has been caught claiming adult channel subscription as part of the expenses of running the Home Economics Secretary's second home.

No wonder the trough-pigs didn't want receipts published!

I wonder if this will lead to The Fat Lodger spending more time at her main residence, otherwise known as her sister's spare bedroom?

The Penguin

P S - The amount of shameless troughing really is staggering.

Saturday 28 March 2009

More Blood On Slippery Jack's Hands

"I'm Alright Jack"

If there had been sufficient prison places available, and if the Home Office and Justice Ministry had not shackled magistrates and judges as to what they should sentences violent young criminals should get, Jimmy Mizen would still be alive, because his killer would have been in prison and not on the streets.

Hope you're pleased with yourself, Jack.

The Penguin

The G20 Must Be Turning Into A Nightmare For Gordon!

"I saved the World!"

Not only does the Czech Prime Minister think Gordon's Fiscal Stimulus is the "road to hell", Angela Merkel prefers Prudence, Sarkozy is busy repatriating jobs to France, and the Brazilian President is looking forward to a lively debate and to blaming the white westerners.

In seven hours, how on earth could it ever have been a new Bretton Woods?

£20 MILLION is being blown on a grandstanding photo-opportunity for the Prime Mentalist who claimed to be against spin and the culture of celebrity. What a phoney tosser.

But now it gets even better. His new found beloved Barack Obama has requested a meeting with David Cameron while he is here for the Gordon Festival.

Another Nokia, please.

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams.

Pathetic Cunt.

The Penguin

Gordon's Week

"All the world leaders are behind me! All the world leaders are behind me!"

Do you feel sorry for poor deluded Gordon McBroonstain, Saviour Of The World, The Great Leader (Unelected) and Serial Bottler? I don't!

He's had quite a week on his "Save The Saviour!" world tour.

He's only just on the plane to Strasbourg when Mervyn King pulls the "fiscal stimulus" rug out from under his feet.

He makes a cringeworthy cock-sucking speech to a mostly empty European Parliament, and is then immolated by Dan Hannan and Nigel Farage. The mainstream media ignoring this is totally ineffective as it goes the Youtube route to international acclaim.

The Czech Prime Minister say that Gordon's plan is shit.

His attempts to tell American bankers that they lost sight of honesty and integrity went down like a cup of cold sick.

The Brazilian President told him to expect fireworks at the G20 and that the financial problems were down to white westerners.

The President of Chile rubbed his nose in it by explaining that Chile could afford to save it's economy because they have put money aside in the good times, rather than spunk it away on stupid social engineering projects.

Alistair Darling admits things are even worse than previously stated and again says that government shares in the blame for this.

The Queen has meetings in private with the Governor of the Bank of England and with the Chief of the Defence Staff.

I suspect there'll be a large dry-cleaning bill for Number 10 when Gay Gordon gets back from his travels.

The Penguin

So Efficient, The Germans!

It seems that there's a bit of egg on face for the German Police after they spent £8 MILLION investigating a serial killer whose DNA was found at dozens of crimes scenes across Germany over the years.
Now it seems that the DNA may in fact be from the laboratory assistant processing the samples.

Versprung Durk Technic!

The Penguin

Friday 27 March 2009

Hoon Of The Day

Keith Vaz.

Utterly disgusting cunt.

The Penguin

No Honour Amongst Thieves

Government Ministers are caught stealing from the taxpayer. In other words, they are thieves.

So it is hardly a surprise, disgraceful though it is, that the thieving Home Economics Secretary, Jacqui "The Fat Lodger" Smith has acted so dishonourably over the Gurkhas.

The Penguin

24 Hours To Save The NHS?

Barely capable of managing to have a shit on a toilet

Well done, NuLiebore. The NHS is a credit to you.

It kills tens of thousands of patients each year. It pays out hundreds of millions in compensation. It employs more managers than nurses.
And it rewards itself extremely well, if you are one of the cunts at the top trough.

The Penguin

Sacked For Telling Immigrants To Speak English

"A postmaster who refused to serve his customers unless they spoke English was sacked today.

Sri Lankan-born Deva Kumarasiri, 40, told his customers that it was imperative they spoke English so he could understand them and stop queues building up.

After he went public with his demand, he was forced to leave his post office at Sneinton Boulevard in Nottingham and move to another in the city.

But when Mr Kumarasiri went into work today he was told by the agency that employed him that he had been replaced."

Bloke deserves a fucking medal not to lose his job.

The Penguin

Careful! That Parliamentary Watchdog Could Give You A Nasty Suck!

"I do not remember shagging that woman!"

John Lyon, the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, has once again demonstrated that he is absolutely fucking useless.

He had to be forced into opening a whitewash into Jacqui Spliff's Dodgy Lodging by public clamour.

Maybe there should be public complaints about the antics of Nigel Griffiths MP, who has showered the House of Commons in glory with his extra marital antics?

The Penguin

Thursday 26 March 2009

Dear Mr. Brown, One Has Had Enough

Dear Mr. Brown,

I am writing to inform you of my decision to dissolve Parliament and call for a new General Election to ascertain the wishes of my people in selecting a new Government to replace the failed administration that you presided over.

Having seen and heard quite enough over the past few years, I consulted with the Governor of the Bank of England on the real state of the economy and the country's financial position, and the situation is simply so bad that it cannot be tolerated any further. Your insane borrow and spend policy is bankrupting my country and my people, and I am not prepared to allow that to happen.

I have reminded the Chief of the Defence Staff who his oath of allegiance is sworn to, and he agrees with me that constitutionally I am within my rights as Monarch to dismiss you and your appalling and inept shambles of an administration.

Please do not bother to reply, one would prefer that you went back to Kircaldy and prepared for oblivion.

Your gracious Sovereign,

Elizabeth Windsor (Queen)

A Haunted Prime Minister, Marooned On His Fantasy Island

Matthew Norman in The Independent:

"These dusty old monetarists take a lot of winding up, but by Jingo they're lethal assassins once the spring is released. Whether Mervyn King's appearance before the Treasury Select Committee on Tuesday was a warning shot across Gordon Brown's bows or a formal declaration of war, not since Geoffrey Howe launched his cricketing metaphor counterstrike against Margaret Thatcher have we seen so devastating an attack on the judgement of a serving Prime Minister.

The Bank of England Governor, another deceptively lugubrious-looking buffer blinking amiably away behind the thick specs, avoided any hint of melodrama and was all the deadlier for the deadpan delivery.

What he said, in words measured for impact with exquisite finesse, and in a tone of studied dullness, was this: "I think the fiscal position in the UK is not one where we could say 'Well, why don't we just engage in another significant round of fiscal expansion?" What he meant was: "We're already bankrupt and I'm not sitting idly by while this deranged wastrel leaves future generations in bondage to rampant inflation and crippling debt to save his political hide." Or as Jeremy Thorpe almost put it of Harold MacMillan, greater love hath no man than that he lay down his country's future for his life.

A week today, that heavily-trailed G20 conference will be held in London. Even before Merv the Swerve bowled his inswinging yorker, the cosmetic absurdity of this pow wow was transparent. We are asked to anticipate it as the second Breton Woods, despite the fact that the G20 leaders are meeting for one day when the first BW lasted three weeks in July 1944. The notion that anything more could emerge from so brief a meeting than a meaninglessly bland and abstract communiqu̩ Рwritten and agreed before the event as tradition dictates Рwas always so foolish that the meeting should strictly be brought forward a day to 1 April.

Once the French and Germans expressed their disdain for any further stimulus packages, however, it took on the pre-emptive flavour of the phantasmal second UN resolution fiasco... a fight between the powerhouses of continental Europe and the Anglo-US alliance in which the battle lines were immovably drawn long in advance of the skirmishing.

And now? Now it's so much worse for Gordon that you could fall to your knees and sob for him. One week today, the self-appointed financial bridgehead between the EU and America – the exact role Mr Tony Blair played to such splendid effect over Iraq – will sit down for what he apparently regards as his last throw of the electoral dice, and have little choice but to argue for what his own central banker has dismissed as a long-range suicide note for the British economy. His only option is to perform a historic U-turn and adopt the more monetarist approach propounded by the Tories and a Governor with whom Gordon, seldom a stranger to raging paranoia, must imagine Messrs Cameron and Osborne are in league.

But it's not just the Tories and Mr King who are cuddling close on this issue. His own Chancellor is snuggling up to the Guv as well. In the aftermath of the Northern Rock debacle to which his response was so languid, Nos 10 and 11 were as one in briefing against Mr King.

Now the allegiances between the three fiscal superpowers have shifted, a bit like those between Eastasia, Oceania and Eurasia in 1984. With Darling and King united against him, Gordon faces his ultimate nightmare. There he is in Room 101, and the wire mesh holding the rats back is rising fast. Small wonder he's frantically trying to ratchet up the terror of terrorism, that classically Blairite diversionary tactic. But it won't divert many of us for long.

Supplying the Newspeak tutorial, meanwhile, is the Chief Secretary to the Treasury. In denying any rift, Yvette Cooper parsed the Governor with linguistic suppleness worthy of the Employee of the Month badge in the Ministry of Truth. "What he [King] said," she interpreted, "is we need to take a sensible approach, which we always do." That, bless her, is precisely what he didn't say. What he did say, in a previous select committee appearance, is, "We entered this crisis with levels of borrowing which were too high and that made it difficult" (his translation of Jilted John's "Gordon is a moron").

He further rued that in 1997, soon after granting the Bank the independence Mr King so lavishly indulged on Tuesday (oh the vicious irony that Gordon's most celebrated masterstroke should mutate into the loudest of death knells), the then Chancellor stripped the Bank of its regulatory powers in creating the tremendously effective Financial Services Authority.

The Governor, then, is now on record expressly blaming Gordon for deepening and widening the slump he has thankfully ceased assuring us Britain is uniquely well placed to withstand; and advising him – instructing him, really – on no account to sub-prime mortgage our long-term economic future for short-term electoral gain.

Much like his namesake, the in- form and imaginatively nicknamed darts star Mervyn "the King" King, the Governor found the bullseye with laconic ease, and at the very moment Gordon was flying off to lecture foreign leaders about the imperative for greater stimuli he is betting the farm on pressing at the G20 next week. That the PM is now pulling in the diametrically opposite direction to the Bank, not to mention the implications of this tug-of-war for sterling, the forthcoming Budget and the Government's general credibility, will take a while to filter through to an electorate that takes a wisely laissez-faire approach to charting the economic meltdown in tedious detail. But filter through, in the usual osmotic way, it will.

If Gordon, ever-more remotely marooned on his fantasy island of vast global influence and unfettered domestic command, backs down and muffles the stimulus hunting cry next week, it will leave him looking, to borrow from the resignation of yet another embittered former Chancellor, in office but not in power. If he doesn't – if he ploughs on with the demand for even more colossal spending and debt – he will be at war with the Bank of England, and at DefCon Two with his next-door neighbour.

There is no obvious way out of this one. He has been on his electoral death bed for ages, of course, ever since that definitive week in October 2007 when he cluck-cluck-clucked his way out of going to the country. But this may well be seen as the week he ran out of appeals for clemency, because the only quantative easing available to him now appears to involve the child-proof lid on that bottle of Downing Street strychnine."


The Penguin

Has Brenda Decided That Enough Is Enough?

Court Circular: Mar 25

Buckingham Palace

24th March, 2009

Miss Kathryn Tickell was received by The Queen today when Her Majesty presented her with The Queen’s Medal for Music.

Sir Peter Maxwell Davies (Master of The Queen’s Music) was present.

Mr. Mervyn King (Governor of the Bank of England) was received by Her Majesty.

Air Chief Marshal Sir Jock Stirrup (Chief of the Defence Staff) was received by The Queen.

One can but keep one's flippers crossed!

The Penguin

Wednesday 25 March 2009

Hoon Of The Day

Margaret "Caravan" Beckett, who is planning to allow loads of new development in National Parks and other greenfield sites.

Ugly Cunt.

The Penguin

The Empty Chamber At Strasbourg

Here's an interesting picture from the Daily Mail showing what it claims is a packed chamber at Strasbourg for Gordon McBroon's vomit-inducing cock-sucking speech. As you can see, it was mostly empty seats.

Sadly the Daily Mail doesn't mention Daniel Hannan's excellent reply to the One Eyed Snot Gobbler.

The Penguin

The Criminal Justice System - Are You Proud, Jack?


Yet another depressing tale of honest citizens being prosecuted for defending their property whilst the police hand out cautions to the criminals.

I do hope that our glorious Justice Secretary, Slippery Jack Straw is proud of the system he has created and presides over.

I also fervently wish that he suffers a violent burglary soon. Then there'd be a few changes double quick.

The Penguin

Perhaps I Shouldn't Laugh, But I Can't Help It!

"I'm a fucking sight cleverer than that fat cunt Myners!"

Seems "Sir" Fred Goodwin is not universally popular.

Someone has expressed their anger rather directly by smashing windows at his Edinburgh mansion and of a Mercedes S600 in the drive.

Do you suppose his insurance premiums will rise?

The Penguin

Gordon The Global Cocksucker

Makes you proud to be British!

Desperate to achieve some sort of electoral advantage from the much vaunted G20 World Leadership Wankfest our Great Leader is rushing around the world sucking anyone's and everyone's cock who he thinks might support his increasingly isolated position of massive co-ordinated fiscal stimuli to restart the debt bubble.

What a cunt he is. The EUSSR politicians must have thought it odd after years when Gordon The Magnificent hectored and lectured then and then ignored them by removing his translation earpiece that he was in Strasbourg to praise them and lick their fat arses. Well, take a look at the photographs of his great speech - practically an empty chamber. And then Daniel Hannan ripped him a new arsehole!

Next he's off back to Washington to thank the Americans for starting the Global Financial Meltdown.

I do hope he doesn't sell the Falklands to the Argie's for a photo-opportunity, but I wouldn't put it past the bastard.

The Penguin

What The Mainstream Media Are Hiding.

Daniel Hannan's speech in the EUSSR "Parliament" which Gordon Brown had to sit through following his attempt to suck Euro-cock ahead of the farcical G20 grandstanding.


Spread the word.

For those of you whose sound card is fucked:

"Daniel Hannan MEP: The devalued Prime Minister of a devalued Government
Prime Minister, I see you’ve already mastered the essential craft of the European politician: namely the ability to say one thing in this chamber and a very different thing to your home electorate. You’ve spoken here about Free Trade – and amen to that. Who would have guessed, listening to you just now, that you were the author of the phrase ‘British jobs for British workers’ and that you have subsidised, where you have not nationalised outright, swathes of our economy, including the car industry and many of the banks? Perhaps you would have more moral authority in this house if your actions matched your words? Perhaps you would have more legitimacy in the councils of the world if the United Kingdom were not going into this recession in the worst condition of any G20 country?

The truth, Prime Minister, is that you have run out of our money. The country as a whole is now in negative equity. Every British child is born owing around £20,000. Servicing the interest on that debt is going to cost more than educating the child. Now, once again today you try to spread the blame around; you spoke about an international recession, international crisis. Well, it is true that we are all sailing together into the squalls. But not every vessel in the convoy is in the same dilapidated condition. Other ships used the good years to caulk their hulls and clear their rigging; in other words – to pay off debt. But you used the good years to raise borrowing yet further. As a consequence, under your captaincy, our hull is pressed deep into the water line under the accumulated weight of your debt.

We are now running a deficit that touches 10% of GDP, an almost unbelievable figure. More than Pakistan, more than Hungary; countries where the IMF have already been called in.

Now, it’s not that you’re not apologising; like everyone else I have long accepted that you’re pathologically incapable of accepting responsibility for these things. It’s that you’re carrying on, wilfully worsening our situation, wantonly spending what little we have left. Last year - in the last twelve months – a hundred thousand private sector jobs have been lost and yet you created thirty thousand public sector jobs. Prime Minister, you cannot carry on for ever squeezing the productive bit of the economy in order to fund an unprecedented engorgement of the unproductive bit. You cannot spend your way out of recession or borrow your way out of debt. And when you repeat, in that wooden and perfunctory way, that our situation is better than others, that we’re ‘well-placed to weather the storm’, I have to tell you that you sound like a Brezhnev-era apparatchik giving the party line. You know, and we know, and you know that we know that it’s nonsense! Everyone knows that Britain is worse off than any other country as we go into these hard times. The IMF has said so; the European Commission has said so; the markets have said so – which is why our currency has devalued by thirty percent. And soon the voters too will get their chance to say so. They can see what the markets have already seen: that you are the devalued Prime Minister of a devalued government."

The Penguin

Tuesday 24 March 2009

Killed By Careless Cost Cutting At MOD

Anthony Huntrod, RIP

This young man joined the Royal Navy, learned a skilled trade and was on one of our nuclear submarines engaged in exercises with our American allies, when he and a colleague were killed by a faulty piece of equipment which had been returned into use after being scrapped as dangerous by some pen pusher at the MoD saving a few quid.

The pen pusher has been identified by the coroner.

The seven-week inquest which ended today heard how a batch of almost 1,000 Self Contained Oxygen Generators (SCOGs) were taken out of a hazardous waste depot in Plymouth and returned to Royal Navy stocks a year before the accident.

Paperwork was altered to classify them as safe to use, and it is possible this was one of the SCOGs which caused the tragedy - although incomplete records mean it is impossible to say.

The coroner singled out Christopher Clark, an MOD civil servant, who made the decision to move hundreds of SCOGs out of the hazardous waste depot in order to cut costs.

"He did not give any consideration to the safety implications. His decision was inappropriate."

The whole inquest would probably be held in secret and without a jury in the future thanks to that loathsome cunt Jack Straw. Mustn't embarrass the government.

In years long gone, this would have required a minister to resign. Sadly, they have no honour. Merely nests to feather and pockets to line.

Armed Forces Minister Bob "Useless Tosser" Ainsworth today offered his 'unreserved apologies' to the bereaved families for the 'avoidable failings, for which this department is responsible, which brought about this tragic incident.'

The Penguin

Did You Hear About The Irish Gangster?

Shot himself through the head.

The Penguin

Wee Dougie Infuriates Africans

"I have to do something to try and justify my existence."

Little Douglas Alexander at the Department for Investing in Dictators has infuriated the influencial Despots Of Africa organisation.

DOA spokescunt R. Mugabe said that the £526,990 spent on a two-day event discussing the impact of the global economic downturn on the developing world was a complete disgrace.

"That money should just have been handed over to us directly. It is waste like this that shows up the Western Capitalist Powers for Evil Imperial Crusaders who are crushing the poor African Dictators underfoot."

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

Jack Straw.

Utter Utter Cunt.

The Penguin

"Education, Education, Education" Seriously Fucked Up By NuLiebore

"My children did OK!"

12 years after Tony Bliar's "Education, Education, Education" mantra there are 5,000 primary school children in London who have not got a secondary school to go to in September.

The £208,000 a year head of the Learning and Skills Council resigns after the rebuilding of colleges programme runs out of money - although he'll walk off with £104,000.

The ludicrous OFSTED (headed up by Mrs Tony "Mmmm, Allowances" McNulty) threatens to close a Grammar School with a 96% 3-GSCEs at A B or C pass rate because it's "race relations policy" is out of date.

Hyprocritical NuLiebore politicians from Tony Bliar to Harriet Harman, Ruth Kelly and Dianne Abbott send their children to select or fee-paying schools while brow-beating the ordinary people to use the increasingly useless state schools.

Top Universities are insisting on better than three Grade A A-Levels because the exams are dumbed down.

Councils spy on parents to determine if their children qualify for their schools.

Truancy is off the scale.

Ed Balls is in charge.

The Penguin

"British Jobs For British Workers!" Bites McBroon Again

Trying to paper over the obvious disagreements and continue with his government by Grandstanding and Gimmick, Gordon McBroon, The Great Leader and Saviour Of The World will be gurning and dribbling as he lectures the European Parliament this afternoon on the importance of following his Fisting Stimulus and Grand Spunking Of Taxpayers' Money.

It seems that the French, trustworthy as ever, have prepared a good slapping for the deluded prat.

In the speech immediately following Gordon The Moron, a senior MEP close to the Hungarian Adulterer will remind everyone of Gordon's sorry little soundbite "British Jobs For British Workers", point out that the G20 was set up by Sarkozy, and that the IMF think Gordon's handling of the British economy is piss-poor.

Let's hope the cameras focus on The Prime Mentalist as he has to digest this. I'm sure his aides and cocksuckers will have a new Nokia and a clean pair of trousers ready.

The Penguin

Monday 23 March 2009

Hoon Of The Day

This fuckwit not only arranged an illicit tryst in his House Of Commons Office, he took incriminating photographs of the encounter, which he then managed to lose possession of. Confronted by a Sunday Newspaper, he denied the story was true. Then he 'fessed up, but claimed he barely remembered the evening.

Now, if I was the lady in the photographs I'd be kind of peeved at being so forgettable, and I'd be googling for Max The Cunt Clifford's phone number.

If I was the wife of 30 years I'd be horrified that cheating on me was so ordinary as to be un-memorable.

If I was his best man Gordon McBroon, I'd need another Nokia.

If I was a voter in his constituency I'd be horrified that such a fucking cretin was supposed to represent my interests.

All in all, hilarious.

The Penguin

Fame And Fortune Beckon! Fingers Crossed!!

On April 1st Jamie Pukka-Cunt Oliver and his band of ASBO-avoiders have the chance for lasting Fame and Fortune, the gratitude of every right thinking English person, and most of the known world.

They could poison every cunt at the G20 "leaders" Downing Strasse dinner being hosted by Gordon McBroon.

One hopes they will grasp this unique opportunity. Nothing too quick-acting, we'd prefer if The One-Eyed Snot Gobbler and his chums shat themselves to a slow painful death like the folk infected with C. Diff in the NHS that NuLiebore "saved".

The Penguin

Why The Fuck?

Couldn't Find His Arse With Both Hands

Why the fuck does the British Taxpayer have to fund escorted flights to places like Iraq and Aghanistan and the Sudan to repatriate illegal immigrants once the money making merry-go-round of appeals and further appeals making m'learned friends like Mrs Keith Vasoline rich has finally ground to a halt?

Surely under EUSSR rules they should be returned to the country they were in before they were apprehended? In other words, France!

That's what the fucking French do, or rather, don't bother doing, as the Belgian and Dutch borders are completely porous and just an hour or so's drive away from Calais.

Maybe the useless Border Control Agency like clocking up Airmiles? Seems they like making a few quid on the side.

Meanwhile their boos, "Custard Pie" Woolas now has more egg on his face as it turns out that his much trumpeted new detention centre in Calais is merely 6 police cells replacing 6 police cells that needed replacing as a matter of routine.

The Penguin

Sunday 22 March 2009

Another Paragon Of Virtue, Another NuLiebore Hypocrite

Giving Deidre from Corrie A Hug?

Caught with his trousers down, I wonder if Gordon Brown will rush to his defence this time?

Nice to know that the "evidence" can only have come from one of two people!

The Penguin

Another "Blame-Free" Resignation

It does make you wonder! Why resign after being found out, and then deny you have done anything wrong?

Labour Party Donor, Blair-Peer Lord Bhatia was found to have misused £70,000 of taxpayers' money and resigned from one of his charitable posts. Then he turns round and insists it was all above board, he can prove it was perfectly OK, and that he had intended leaving that charity at that time anyway.

Look, there's a whole squadron of flying pigs, and all of them are good muslims!

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

Jonathan Woss.

Vastly Over-rated Cunt.

The Penguin