Helping Yourself Out Of Poverty

"My Dividend Cheque Was THIS Big!"

Setting a wonderful example of helping herself is Call Me Dave's ex-champion Emma Harrison, who helped herself to a fucking great dividend just before the shit hit the fan about the shenanigins going on with her Arsholes2You company, which specialised in taking large sums of money from the DWP for doing fuck all.

Can't fault her timing.

The Penguin

Cull A Hundred (To Improve Things)

Who would be in your list of one hundred people whose absence from existence would have made Britain a much better place this last 100 years or so?

I know it's a target-rich environment, but go on, have a go....

I'll have a think and see who I come up with myself.

The Penguin

UPDATE: I have thought, and I have looked at your suggestions - and depressingly, one hundred would barely scratch the surface. We'd need to cull tens of thousands of the cunts...

The Ideal Candidate?

There's fucking lucky for the Home Secretary - she won't have to bother with a lot of tedious recruitment hassle and interviews to replace the fucking useless and ugly Lin Homer at UKBA, she can just appoint the now-available fucking useless and ugly cunt Cynthia Bower, fresh from her success in not inspecting Care Homes and Hospitals.*

The Penguin

*aka Where they park old people so no one notices them being starved and poisoned.

What Do These Cunts Have To Do To Get Sacked?

Not Just A Pig Scarer, Grossy Incompetent

You would think that presiding over a series of mega-fuck-ups in every senior job would be some sort of barrier to being continually promoted.

Not in our wonderful Civil Service.

Lin Homer, possibly the most incompetent boss EVER has been promoted from the unfit-for-purpose total cluster-fuck that is the UK Border Agency to head up that bastion of incompetence, Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs.

Maybe she could have lunch with Trougher Hartnett before he fucks off so as to learn how to hold a knife and fork properly?

The Penguin

Once A Self-Serving Cunt, Always A Self-Serving Cunt

Well well, it seems that 'king Arthur Scargill has given up even the slightest pretence of being anything other than a hypocritical cunt out for himself and fuck the miners he was supposed to be working for.

He's deep in litigation against his "beloved" NUM about his ongoing perks and package, despite having presided over the almost total destruction of the miners' union. Amongst the things he's fighting for are his life-time rights to an apartment in the Barbican, which any fool can see is essential for his on-going struggle for the brothers.

It has been said of Mr. Scargill that when he took the top job at the NUM he had a small house and a huge union, but when he left he had a huge house and a small union. Good to know all those union dues paid by the real workers were so well used, isn't it?

The Penguin

That Met Statement In Full

"Right, You Lot - Get Tooled Up, We've Got A Desperate Journalist To Nick!"

The Met said no more than 150 armed officers were involved in each of Saturday's arrests of five Sun journalists at their homes as part of Operation Gnomehome, the investigation into alleged illegal payments to police and other public officials.

Several hundred officers were needed "for the thorough and efficient search of an address, including, where appropriate, specialist search teams", according to Scotland Yard.

It also revealed that it has 1,269 officers and staff working on the three investigations – Operation Gnomehome (661), Operation Weetabix into alleged phone hacking (891) and Operation Tupperware (3,816) into alleged computer hacking.

A detective chief superintendent is overseeing each of the investigations, with Met deputy assistant commissioner Sue Akers having overall responsibility for all three.

"The linked Operations Weetabix, Gnomehome and Tupperware are extremely difficult and complex and tricky and awkward with literally millions and thousands of pieces of documentation and other paperwork needing to be scrutinised and examined and read and spell-checked and all references to police corruption deleted," the Met said in its statement.

"Given the seriousness of the allegations currently under investigation and the significant number of senior police officers whose pensions are at risk, the Met does not believe that the level of resources devoted to the three inquiries is in any way disproportionate to the enormous task in hand.

"The majority have come from Specialist Crime; Territorial Policing and the Directorate of Professional Standards. At no stage has any major investigation been compromised as a result of these deployments. However, we have suspended all work on Crime Prevention, and stopped bothering pretending to investigate burglary or anti-social behaviour. "

"So don't bother dialling 999, we've got more important things to fucking worry about. "

The Penguin

Great Career Move, Whitney

I see that drug-ravaged ex-diva Whitney Houston has taken the advice of her mismanagement and done a Michael Jackson to resurrect flagging sales of the stuff she recorded when she could sing.

This route was pioneered by Jim Reeves and Elvis Presley, who have done extremely well out of being dead.

The drug suppliers meanwhile are having to find new victims.

The Penguin

Save Some Serious Money

Dave and Gideon ought to get a fucking grip and save some serious money by simply sacking all the fuckwit judges who are busy conspiring against the ordinary decent people of this once great country.

There are too many to list, but here's another fine example.

Oh, and find a way of stripping the cunts of their gold-plated fucking pensions while you are at it. With any luck they'll have to get jobs and actually contribute something useful for a fucking change.

The Penguin 

That Capello Statement In Full

"I would like to be able to thank all players, staff and Football Association for the professionalism they have shown during my years as overpaid and crap manager of the English National Team," Capello said in a short statement. "The problem is that I can't, as fuck all of them know which way to sit on a lavatory, let alone how to play the diamond formation or anything other than route one or the fucking 4-4-2. Trying to keep them out of the bar proved a real problem, especially when those free-loaders from the FA were around paying for drinks with the corporate credit cards. As for that complete cunt John Terry, I give him an other chance and not only has he let the team down yet again, he's cost me my fucking job!

A very special thanks to both of the supporters: they've sometimes supported the team and me in our job. I wish the rest of them every chance of getting cancer of the bowels rather than success in achieving all their sporting goals.

Still, now I can go home and work on my sun-tan while my investment team count all that lovely money. Ciao!"

The Penguin

Voice In The Wilderness

Rest In Peace, Ray Honeyford.


Truly a voice in the wilderness, and like Enoch Powell you had your words twisted and used to crucify you, when you were in fact just telling it like it was.

Shame on the whole educational and political establishments, traitors the fucking lot of them.

The Penguin

No Regrets?

"My Dog's Never Even Bitten A Tax Inspector, He's As Innocent As Wot I Am!"

They are a very strange sort of people at the top of the disfunctional HMRC...when they are not out to lunch with offshore corporations and other tax-dodgers, they spend hundreds of thousands of pounds pursuing minnows like 'Arry Redknapp through the courts to no avail except yet more bad publicity.

And yet they have No Regrets?

Still, you have to remember that Dave "Free Lunches" Harnett, the supposed expert supposedly in charge is the very same imbecile who failed to persuade a jury in the Ken "Cash Please!" Dodd show-trial some years ago. Didn't do his career any harm, worse fucking luck. So I expect they'll soon be promoting Chris Martin to a better class of fine dining.

The Penguin

All Quiet On The Cold Front

Having laughed my socks off about that hoon Huhne, I quickly put them back on, along with some extra warm jumpers and a pair of long johns, because it's fucking freezing.

And not just here. Apparently it's brass fucking monkeys all over the place, and BMW are regretting sponsoring the cold front as it's killing people all over central Europe.

So much for global fucking warming.

The Penguin

Gwent Plod's Costly Highest Standards Revealed

How To Treat A Dangerous 73 Year Old Motorist

You have to hand it to Gwent Police Farce, who have just had to cough up £20,000 in compensation plus the £9,800 repair bill and fuck knows how much in legal fees and costs, never mind all the time they have had to spend on this cluster-fuck rather than doing anything remotely useful for the good folk of Gwent.

Still, all that publicity is priceless, assuming you think that all publicity is good.

It's also heart-warming to know that these wonderful policemen are now back on the beat following a thorough internal investigation which declared them to be officers who ‘met the highest standards of professional behaviour’.

So, that all right. Move along, fuck all to see here (but it's all on You Tube).

The Penguin

Coining It - Could Hester Replace Hoon?

Look, an animal with a cunt on it's back!

No matter the spelling, we all know a Hoon when we smell one. However, it seems that there's a new contender in town, all pinkly smug-faced and getting obscenely rich at the tax-payer's expense for presiding over the moribund corpse of the 83% publicly-owed Bank Of Goodwin, where apart from sacking a lot of junior staff they have forgotten how to lend to businesses.

So, could we soon find that Huhne, Hoon, and Hester are interchangeable when we want to politely call some cunt a cunt?

Oh, and it seems from some reports in our wonderfully reliable mainstream media that poor Hester doesn't like the photograph of himself in his hunting togs. Can't think why, he looks liked a pig-in-a-suit in every photograph...

The Penguin

Please, Don't Pay Cash Says "Gobbler" Hartnett

Laughing All The Way To The Demi-Tasse

Dave "The Gobbler" Hartnett, nominated for the Nobel Prize For Dining Out At Your Expense, is imploring hard-up households not to pay cash to tradesmen and cleaners as it is damaging the economy.

"Please, don't hand over your hard-won cash. Use an Amex Platinum Card, or maybe get a large tax efficient offshore corporation to pick up the tab. Works for me!"


The Penguin

Cheer Up, Says Sir Mervyn King

Don't be downcast, it may be the worst depression since records began, and the whole world faces years of misery, but for Sir Mervyn King there are plenty of reasons to be cheerful.

For example, he's already got a knighthood and the promise of a fucking peerage (or he'll start digging up some of those bodies buried by the whitewash report into banking regulation).

Plus he's got a fucking brilliant book deal lined up.

And he's secretly on the books of the same agency who arrange Tony Bliar's after-dinner money-making speeches.

Then there's his copper-bottomed inflation-proof mega-pension, ( which he has arranged will be paid in gold rather than the rubbish sterling notes he's been busy printing for the proles. )

So cheer up, Merv's doing great.

The Penguin

Highest Standards Of Probity?

Fuck me, doesn't it just turn your stomach when that useless self-serving traitor and EUSSR-cocksucker Nick Clegg claims that the government insists on the highest standards of probity amongst ministers?

He's only angling to replace that cunt Huhne when he's charged with perverting the course of justice with that cunt David Laws who should be serving time for stealing from the tax-payer to pay rent to his bum-chum.

Probity?

The Penguin

That Osama Bin-And-Got-Himself-Shot Mission in 3D

The DVD in 3D is a big hit amongst folk in social housing...

With special guest Harry Hill, apparently!

The Penguin

Sunk Like The Italian Economy

Whoops!!

Still, it could have been so much worse - apparently passengers were relieved that Bunga Bunga Berlesconi was not the resident crooner on this cruise...

The Penguin

Cameron The Brave!

 What ever else you might have to say about Call Me Dave Cameron, you have to admire his courage. Or his optimism. Or both.

After all, there's a great deal of truth in the old saw about checking out the mother before marrying the daughter.

The Penguin

At Last!! A Surprise Triumph For Ed Milipede

Congratulations to Ed "Backstabber" Milipede, who has been voted Political Gormless Gurner Of The Year 2011 (by a panel of completely unbiased fish-eating flightless birds).

This will be a surprise to Ed, who had not actually entered the competition.

The Penguin

( Many thanks to Guido for the montage )

Gunboat Diplomacy 21st Century Style

"Left Hand Down A Bit!"

I bet the Ayattollahs and Mad Mullahs are quaking in their fucking sandals.

The Royal Gravy have announced the despatch of their "mightiest" ship, a class 45 Destroyer to the Gulf to replace a class 23 Frigate.

The Mighty HMS Daring's main and only popgun is the tired old 4.45 inch Mark 8 that was so crap in the Falklands conflict it needed modification to make it as reliable as the WW2-era Mark V it replaced. This is bound to terrify the Iranians, as they know all about it as one of the very first Mark 8's was sold to them on a frigate in 1971. Such cutting edge technology is sure to shock and awe...

Backing up this mighty weapon are no less (and no more!) than 48 missiles. What the fuck do they use once they've been used? Oh, right, they have a helicopter...and a few machine guns.

I'm sure this will also impress the Americans, whose 5th Fleet includes a fully functional Nimitz class aircraft carrier, the nuclear powered USS John C Stennis, complete with a full complement of aircraft (nine fucking squadrons of them!) - and they are not so daft as to let on how many missiles and stuff they are packing.

What's that buzzing noise?

Probably Nelson turning in his grave....

The Penguin

Who Let This Pair Into The Country?

Who on earth let this evil pair into the country, and why?

And is there any hope at all of ever getting rid of them?

The Penguin

Don't Forget The Context

Those folk who are calling for Dianne Abbott to be sacked from her post as Shadow Token Fat Black Woman should at least try to put her unfortunate twittering and inept attempts to explain and justify herself into context.

This is an overweight hypocritical middle-aged single parent who suffers from being over-promoted and made allowances for throughout her entire life.

She bitched about Mad Hattie sending her children to private schools and then did exactly that herself.

She is a prime trough-pig, even neglecting to mention large wads of extras she got from being a media whore.

She claimed West Indian mothers are superior to others, which probably explains all those young black gangsters killing each other.

She is quick to play the race card whislt being casually racist herself,  claiming that blue-eyed blonde nurses from Scandinavia shouldn't work in Hackney hospitals as they had never seen a black person before.

She claimed that voters in Hackney didn't want a white old man.

So, putting what the fat old bag said in the context of what has gone before, who the fuck could be surprised?

The Penguin

The Bankers' Forgery Exposed

Read This.

The Penguin