Friday, 28 January 2011

Heart Of Darkness (updated!!)

"Silent But Deadly? That'll Be 5 Years Hard Labour!"

Fuck me, the natives are doing a bang up job of running Africa.

I'm especially impressed with the government of Malawi, who are to introduce a law making it illegal to fart.

I do wonder if there will be a sliding scale of punishments? Based on such things as loudness, duration, repetition, noxiousness....

The Penguin

PS This was sent to me by a reader of this blog who is an ex-head teacher...


Farting is of concern to us all. As teachers, we have a responsibility towards pupils and colleagues, to guard against excess flatulence and its resulting hazards to health. Features of modern educational buildings, in particular, fenestration, often mitigate against dispersal of malodorous and, sometimes, explosive mixtures of gases that ensue as a result of flatulence. It is incumbent on any responsible organisation to ensure that working conditions are such that olfactory organs are not put under undue stress. Further, each establishment, under European law enacted in 1999, has a requirement to limit the production of greenhouse, and other harmful gases.


In so far as is practicable, the Governors will endeavour to ensure that working conditions, with regard to exudation of gases (miscellaneous) within the establishment and, exceptionally, outside the establishment, are tolerable or, at least, not life threatening.



On a day to day basis, the Headteacher has the responsibility of ensuring that this policy is implemented.

It is the responsibility of everyone to be vigilant in the detection of flatulatory gases and all staff should be aware of their responsibilities as required by the Sniffing Rota.

Obnoxious odours should immediately be reported to the School Administrator, whose responsibility it is to log the event in the Trumping Book (see Annexe to this policy).

It is the responsibility of the caretaker to ensure that all window poles are in full working order and that an emergency hammer is available in all areas (for the purposes of rendering unconscious the perpetrator, not for breaking glass)

It is the responsibility of the Governors to ensure that, where farting, and its effects, is particularly prevalent, industrial strength extractor fans are installed in working areas.

Where a particular, persistent, perpetrator can be identified, First Community Health staff, and the parents of the malefactor, should be consulted about the fitting of a personal venting apparatus/safety valve. This should be regarded as an extreme measure, involving some surgery, and, therefore, should not be attempted by a member of staff, no matter how tempting the prospect may be.

It is recommended that farters be seated away from other individuals, for example, in the middle of the field, for the dual purpose of taking full advantage of the inverse square law, as applied to flatulatory gases, and to protect bystanders from flying flesh and bone fragments in the event of spontaneous self-ignition.

Staff should not overlook the possibilities for energy conservation that farting brings. Staff must, therefore, wherever practicable, try to collect large volumes of flatulatory gases in plastic bags so that they may be used in the school’s boiler, thereby offsetting the costs of fuel. Of course, those pupils fitted with venting apparatus may, with parents’ permission, be permanently connected, using only an approved CORGI contractor, to the boiler.

Equal Opportunities

This policy will be applied to both male and female persons.

The school has equal responsibility for both farters and fartees.

Should farting be recognised as acceptable in any religion or creed, providing the perpetrator has brought in a note from his/her mum, the effects of it should be embraced as part of the school’s multi-cultural policy.


The school has adopted, in full, the fart measurement system developed by Monsieur S B D M├ęthane, Flatulence Institute, University of Grenoble. Assessment is usually made by fartometer, calibrated in units of the Blowfart Scale:

Blowfart Scale Manifestation

1 inaudible but noticeably present

2 was that, no it can’t be – definitely detectable

3 audible

4 small mammals rendered unconscious

5 toxic (gas mask required for any strength >5)

6 visible

7 will curdle milk

8 very unpleasant (but musical)

9 damaged undergarments

10 small items of furniture moved

11 farter and fartee/s have difficulty standing

12 trees blown over (ear defenders and shovel strongly

recommended if this farce is likely)

Special Educational Needs

All exceptional farting episodes will be reported to the SENCO, using Form SEN/FART/14, whose responsibility is to assess, by sniffing, the scale of the problem and to oversee the writing and implementation of Individual Farting Programmes (IFPs).

Health and Safety

Emergency evacuation procedures, of the school not the farter, must be regularly practised, at least once a term, or more often if brassicas have been on the menu. All staff and children must have easy access to breathing apparatus or, if they have to work in close proximity to certain named individuals (see Confidential Annexe), to Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Protection Suits.

Known farters should, wherever possible, be kept away from sources of ignition. Where this is not possible, they must be tethered.

This policy was approved by the Governors on 1 December 2000 and will be reviewed if the hole in the ozone layer increases in size


Detail of page from the Trumping Book


Fart Type


Fart Type


Fart Type


Fart Type



Dietary Preference

(Probable Cause)

Class Evacuated

School Evacuated



Leg-iron said...

That's going to hit sales of baked beans and vindaloos. Although they'll probably make those illegal too.

On the other hand, the activated charcoal butt plug market could be worth investing in...

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

You couldn't make this stuff up!

Captain Haddock said...

And just how do these nincompoops intend "policing" this load of old bollocks ?

Anti-Fart Patrols maybe ? ..

The use of "Stool-Pigeons" perhaps ? ..

Will it become illegal to blow a nice, satisfying "raspy" one prior to having a complete Catering Off-Load in the privacy of one's own crapper ? ..

Will it become illegal to snigger when one hears a fart ? ..

What a bunch of tossers ....

Anonymous said...

Perhaps our lot will look at ways of licensing and taxing farts first. Only farting without a licence would attract an on the spot fine and criminal record.

Captain Haddock said...

@ Anon ..

I think that the Coagulation may well look at that idea .. but they'll only be going through the motions ..

I wonder whether it might eventually be possible to buy or trade "Fart" credits .. like you can "Carbon" credits .. then you could blow-off a real old spine-shattering "pan rattler" at will .. ?

microdave said...

@ CH - don't give the bastards ideas. Farts contain lots of methane (that's why you can set them alight), which is supposed to be 20 times more "global warming" than CO2....

Captain Haddock said...

"Farts contain lots of methane (that's why you can set them alight)" ..

Do you think we could encourage the denizens of both Houses of Parliament to fart in unison .. and then lob a handful of lit matches in ?

Thus getting them to blow up Parliament with their own effluent .. instead of just verbally spouting it ..

microdave said...

That sounds fine by me!

Ed P said...

Mein Vater ist...oi, why are you arresting me?

Anonymous said...

They really have got their priorities right! Wonder what the fine is for a wet one?

Captain Haddock said...

"Wonder what the fine is for a wet one" ?

Probably £20 .. for attempted "Littering" ..

Caratacus said...

Knowing Plod as we do Captain they'll probably charge us with Chemical Warfare... with malice aforethought if it's my brother..

Dave said...

They've never looked back since the colonialists left have they? One success story after another, One example of tolerance and understanding after another.

Nighty Narmer said...

Ah fart een yuer general direction

Gendeau said...

If Methane is twenty times more dangerouser than CO2

then it is your duty to light every fart - to save the planet, it's for the cheeeldren.

Also, every cow should have to have a flare pipe fitted (like they do to oil rigs). Dark nights in the country would become a thing of the past (like snow).

I'd laugh, but there's a chance it would only be me - I'll get me coat

microdave said...

That "Update" is the funniest thing I've seen for ages!!

Thanks for adding it to the post.

Captain Haddock said...

"That "Update" is the funniest thing I've seen for ages!!

Thanks for adding it to the post" ...

Seconded .. Brilliant ..

Anonymous said...

We used to have a running competition on the last ship I sailed in for the 'best fart'. The rules were simple, in that you had to raise your hand and call 'Chance' before farting, other wise your fart was declared 'null', as you had been taken by surprise.

Various evenings were filled with sound, noise and of course, smells, but the winner was declared unanimously to be the Second Engineer, who had been drinking Guinness and Creme de Menthe all evening. He called out 'chance' and the cabin immediately was evacuated, but he did not receive the trophy until the 2nd Steward came down fromn the passenger accomodation asking what had caused the smell!

Happy Days!

Caratacus said...

CPO (Stoker) D. Hore (now sadly no longer with us) broke wind with appalling violence while the A-class sub he was serving on was taking in some welcome fresh air during a snorkling run across the Atlantic. He did this as the pumps were on the 'inhale' as it were, and the benefits ran the length of the sub. The loudspeakers crackled urgently and the unmistakeable roar of Cdr John Waghorn's voice echoed forth, "DIRTY BASTARD WHO JUST DID THAT - TAKE HIMSELF FOR A SHIT IMMEDIATELY".

Eeeee - the best is gone...

Sres said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
microdave said...

Anon & Caratacus - One day I started an impromptu farting contest with a colleague, at a boatyard we both worked at. After 15 minutes or so you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Then a boatbuilder came wandering by, paused, sniffed, and declared "I'm not breathing that, I'm a vegetarian"...