Murder Mystery Solved

The apparent murder mystery of the GCHQ spook working at MI6 has been solved.

Doctor Freddy Patel, fresh from his appearance before the GMC over allegations of being a completely useless twat of a pathologist, has conducted a fresh autopsy.

"Natural causes!" said Doctor Freddy, "this is quite common in fit young men, they die of natural causes and then zip themselves up in large hold-all bags and park the bag in the bath so as not to cause a mess on the carpet if they are not discovered for a week or so."

Inspector Knacker of The Yard was delighted and handed the file back to the Home Secretary marked "No Further Action Required".

Nothing to see here, please move along!

The Penguin

High Time The Tax Inspector Paid A Visit

No wonder Teflon Tone likes globe-trotting!

Seems to me that it is about time that HMRC started a serious and thorough investigation into the tax affairs of Tone and Slot-gob Bliar.

And especially into how they can pay fucking CASH for yet another million-quid property.

The Penguin

Here's Another One For You, Piggy!

Here's a very tempting target for your axe, Mr. Pickles.

Another fucking stupid quango just asking for it.

Go on, you know it makes sense!!!!

The Penguin

Appealing For The Pink Vote?

" Look At Me, I'm An Alien Pillowbiter!"

The strange alien who pretends to be David Millipede has given up on trying to win the leadership of the NuLiebore Party by going for the "monkey" votes.

Abandoning the banana, he is now doing teapot impressions to suggest that he may well favour the pink oboe.

Certainly he seems to fire blanks, or maybe his sperm is so alien it can't impregnate a human?

The Penguin

Got Any Ladybirds, Missus?

Lucky White Heather? Want Some Pegs?

Here's a new one! Pikeys caught stealing or trespassing are apparently claiming that they were just "collecting ladybirds".

The Penguin

Sandwell Metropolitan Borough Council

The jumped up officials at SMBC need a good slap, as per Anna Raccoon's blog.

The elected councillors are well placed to provide this.

Here are their contact details http://www.councillor.info/sandwell.aspx?init

Do feel free to contact them to express your views (calmly and politely works best)

The Penguin

The Secret List

This is the secret list that doesn't officially exist of the useless "A" levels which the elitist top Universities use to weed out those who they don't really want in their hallowed cloisters and quads.

Flower Arranging
Media Studies
Skateboarding
Origami
Ballroom Dancing
Archery
Painting By Numbers
Hairdressing
Tattooing
Folk Dancing
Woodworking
Beachcombing
Journalism
Tweeting
Home Brewing
Stamp Collecting
Shoe Repairing
Fletching
Car Washing
Sudoko
Dressage
Cottaging

The Penguin

Brown Trousers At One O'Clock, Ginger!

Pip Pip

The Penguin

Millipede Senior's Movement For Change

David Millipede has issued detailed instructions to both of his supporters on how to host parties to discuss making important changes to the NuLiebore Party.

1. Get in some bananas
2. Hand the bananas to the guests
3. Wave the bananas while gurning to camera
4. Loud chorus of "I am an Alien!"

This is clearly a real winner, and little brother Ed is desolate.

The Penguin

Sad Al Protests His Good Faith

Alex Fishcake, Leader of the Scots Porridge Party is desperately trying to prop up his standing in the world by claiming that the decision to release the fall-guy for the Lockerbie bombing was made in good faith and supported by the finest prognosis that the Scotch medical profession could afford.

"It's not ma fault, ye ken," he whinged to any mug daft enough to pay him any attention. "The doctor said the cunt wuz dying, and we didnae want to have to pay for a funeral."

Now that he is receiving decent medical care, which is unavailable in Scotlandshire, the so-called Lockerbie Bomber is making great progress and is expected to outlive Mr Fishcake's time in office.

The Penguin

The Bottom Inspectors At Work

"Nice Floral Display, Sergeant!"

You could hardly make it up, even in the pages of Viz.

West Midlands Police of the impeccable record for fitting up villains have been issued with "guidance" on what underwear is permissible.

I do hope that senior officers will be checking to see that this all-important dictat is being adhered to by all officers. And of course, Her Majesty's Inspectorate Of Police will need to check on what the top brass are wearing.

It will probably involve a good number of forms to complete in triplicate whilst sat in the office in the warm with a cuppa and a bun.

The Penguin

New Furore Over Killer's Ashes

"It's my puppy and I'm going to fucking eat it!"

The Daily Fury are reportingthat there is growing anger in Newcastle after reports that crazed killer Rolypoly Moat's ashes were flushed down the shitter.

"That's disgusting!" said un-married mother of 13 Trisha Slagg, 43, "They should have been preserved for posterior, inna museum of sumfink. He was a fucking hero!"

Unemployed pimp Bazza Gimp, 37, told our reporter that there was now a danger that Rolypoly's fans and facebook "friends" would congregate on local sewage works in an attempt to harvest some of him to keep in a matchbox on the top of the television. "The only problem is finding out which sewage works they'll end up at, bloody towns full of sewage works, innit? Be a bit off, getting the wrong geezer's shitty ashes!"

The Penguin

Let The Left-Footers Foot The Bill!

Sister Mary Prepares To Welcome The Pope

Why the fuck am I being whacked with costs for the Sky Pixie's Left-Footed Head Nazi to pollute this country, which I believe still has an established Anglican Church?

What the fuck does the cunt need a luxury hotel for his entourage for? Aren't there loads of spare rooms in all those priests' houses which would be eminently more suitable (apart from all the skeletons in the cupboards and bodies under the beds!) and a bloody site cheaper? Loads of space in dormitories with the Little Sisters of Perpetual Misery, surely? Or they could all set a good example by dossing down in the vast space of Westminster Byzantine Cathedral, or maybe sling some hammocks under Blackfriars Bridge?

The Penguin

Come On Piggy, That's Just A Good Start!!!!!

Go Piggy, Go!!!

More power to Piggy Pickles' elbow - scrapping the Audit Commission is excellent, but there's plenty more need to be shown the door, preferably without any fucking golden parachutes.

The Penguin

Irresponsible Spending

"My World Is Very Different, Earthling!"

"I don't think our spending was irresponsible," claims the alien Ed Millipede.

Fuck me, he really doesn't live on the same planet as the rest of us. Never mind the huge evidence to the contrary - see the graph at the Coffee House - of the overall complete fuck-up of Gordon falling off the Prudence-wagon and splurging like a deluded cunt, what about the details that has emerged into the light thanks to Piggy Pickles publishing all of his department's spending over £500 for the last full fiscal year?

Irresponsible doesn't come fucking close you bog-brush-haired prat!!!

And Piggy's is not the only department. There's the fucking red sofas at the Circumlocution Office, and the "Chill Out" rooms at the Department For Lesbian Equality.

There's more to come, and I do hope that some cunts get sacked.

The Penguin

Banquo's Ghost

Seems that more and more folk are prepared to state publicly that they don't believe Lord Hutton's whitewash.

Apart from anyone one else who gets coated with sticky smelly brown stuff as a result of having a proper inquest and post-mortem, I have to hope that his fucking Lordship is still around to have his "good name" dragged through the mud.

Apart from that, am I the only one who thinks that the late Dr Kelly and the late Dr. Shipman (famous for exceeding his NHS targets) could have been twins?

The Penguin

Hartlepool, Forever Blighted

Hartlepool, that most un-lovely of a whole bunch of hideous North Eastern towns, seems to be cursed three times over.

It is infamous as the place where they thought a monkey that survived a ship-wreck was a French spy and drowned the poor creature by tying it to the pier at low tide.

Then it "enjoyed" Voldemort as MP and is forever blighted by his enoblement.

And now, it gains still more notoriety as the place where they painted a yellow line over a dead hedgehog.

Best avoided.

The Penguin

Where's The Difference?

How come the CPS have decided that they can charge 4 of the Met's "finest" with beating the shit out of some bloke they were arresting back in 2003, but they can't bring charges against another fine upstanding member of the TSG for the manslaughter of Ian Tomlinson?

The Penguin

The Shithole Saga

Make Sure You Are Facing Mecca, Musthapha!!!

Following so-called "training" from obviously self-annointed community activist Ghulam Rasul Shahzad, a shopping centre in Rochdale installed a couple of "Nile Crap Holes".

Then another fucking lunatic with a non-indigenous name, Councillor Farooq Ahmed, weighed in with his opinion that they made Rochdale a joke and stirred up racism.
So now the shopping centre have ripped them out.

Rochdale, the Shit Hole Saga. Very appropriate, as if the North West needed an enema Rochdale is where it should be inserted.

The Penguin

Off To Have Some Fun

I'm off to lend a hand at the Midlands History Festival, being staged at the Stratford Armouries, Gospel Oak Lane, Pathlow, Stratford-upon-Avon this coming Saturday & Sunday.

If anyone wants a good fun-filled day out with absolutely fuck-all regard to political correctness, plenty of real ale and cider and mead, more cleavage that you would believe*, and the chance to see and hear a lot of black powder going bang, this is your chance.

www.mid-fest.co.uk for more details.

The Penguin

*The Guild of Wenches are having their AGM at the show, probably in the Trollsbottom Beer Tent, where many of them are on the pull. See www.trollsbottom.com for some clues.

Completely Unfit For Purpose

"You've Been A Very Naughty Boy! Now Run Along And Collect Your Benefits!"

The Broke-Back Coalition can save a good few quid by chopping the Asylum and Immigration Tribunal which is clearly unfit for purpose.

An Iraqi immigrant who stabbed two doctors to death has been awarded the right to stay in Britain by the AIT because he would pose a danger to the public in his homeland.

Now the same wankers have decided that a convicted drug smuggler can't be deported back to Turkey.

Why the fuck do we put up with this shit?

The Penguin