Especially For The Gullible and Inadequate - Cash Only

Fancy having your scrotum pumped up with silicone sealant? Only £120, no guarantees and don't even think of asking to see my qualifications. Just pop along to my crummy flat, mind the cats, drop your keks and spread them....

Oh, I also offer a deep tanning service using finest quality creosote. And never mind that painful hot wax wax brazilian, I have an industrial strength paint stripper will do the job in half the time...

The Penguin

A Very Simple Defence, Gentlemen

The Chemical Industry Chiefs and the Banana Bosses have a very simple and easy way to prove to the world (and especially to judges in Louisiana) that there is no ill-effect associated with serial exposure to banned chemical DBCP.

They should line up to be sprayed with it on a daily basis for several months, no protective clothing or masks ahould be required - after all, the plantation workers had none.

Somehow I can't see them volunteering.

Shame they can't be compelled!

The Penguin

Nu-Liebore's Dream Ticket?

What a pair they make!!! Surely a match made in heaven?

The Penguin

How Can This Be News?

Headline and article in the Daily Torygraph -

The world's oldest person dies in Brazil

Well, bugger me, how unusual. I mean, it's not like anyone's going to hold that record for long, is it?

The Penguin

It's Not An Oversight, Or A Mistake, It's Called Theft!

Jumped up little pip-squeak Denis McShit is trying to wriggle out of yet more evidence of his over-enthusiasm for the trough.

Not content with taking the piss by charging £125,000 for the use of his garage as a constituency office, and having charged the maximum possible round sums for cleaning until the requirement for receipts saw a dramatic drop in dusting and polishing (£250 a month to £24, just below the threshold for receipts, nothing dodgy about that, really!), and having lots of translation done by his brother at our expense, the greedy shit-stain over-egged the total on his expenses claims by a nice round £250 month after fucking month and the numpties in the House of Commons fees office didn't check the arithmetic 14 times despite picking the error up on 3 occasions.


One mistake, possibly. 17 mistakes on the trot, unbelievable.


Then there's his side-line in flogging lap-tops...hope he's declared the profits on his tax returns.

The Penguin

Little Hitler

Caught - hope they throw the book at him (and then check his immigration status!)

The Penguin

Still Troughing After All These Years

"I can't afford to pay my way!"

Frank Dobson, possibly the most ineffectual cabinet minister EVER, is continuing to live with his socialist snout deep in the trough whilst hypocritically complaining about proposed changes to the welfare madhouse.

He and his ghastly spouse rake in well over £100,000 a year and yet he demands to continue to have subsidised council housing in a posh block in Camden, where he used to be the Labour leader on the council. I think an investigation into how come the useless bastard ever qualified for any council property let alone a fucking mansion flat in a seriously posh building should be investigated. And someone ought to take a close look at the assets this champagne socialist couple have managed to accumulate whilst enjoying subsidised living at taxpayers' and ratepayers' exoense all these years.

Does he own a nice villa in Tuscany, close to dear mad Polly? I think we should find out, before stringing them up on lamp posts outside their "council flat" as an example to others.

The Penguin

Remember The Fast Show?

"There was no plot!"

In particular, the politician who was in total denial about the bleeding obvious?


Looks like real life is immitating art.

The Penguin

Doing A Good Job

Top Trougher Piggin Wiggins

Check out the efforts of Jim Miller to shine a light on the corruption that seems to be endemic in Herefordshire, where the local MP is none other than Piggin Wiggins.

It's at http://anexpensesaccount.blogspot.com/  

The Penguin

Why Is The Cover-Up Continuing?

"The Bloke From MI5 Told Me It's A Suicide, Sergeant!"




Something really shocking and of on-going significance has to lie behind the continuing attempts by the government to whitewash the death of Dr David Kelly.

I just can't understand what it might be, unless they have proof that it was the late sainted Princess Diana's re-incarnated zombie with the assistance of the late Queen Mother that wielded the pen-knife.

Why on earth is the new administration not taking the simple route of rubbishing the Hutton Whitewash and throwing all that much deserved shit all over Teflon Tony, Bad Al, and Geoff Cunt?

Something stinks.

The Penguin

Thrash Some Sense Into Him!

 "Nothing whatsoever to do with the petro-dollars. Nothing!"

Perhaps fun-loving Max could get some of his well-paid-for friends to put the uniforms back on and thrash some sense into mad dwarf Bernie.

The Penguin

Mankind's Carbon Footprint Is Puny!

Go on, see if you green-tinged lunatics can slap a carbon tax on volcanos!

The Penguin

Wriggle As Much As You Like!

The Silly Cow Who Is Paying, The Accused, and The Bastard Who Is Getting Even Richer.

Unsurprisingly, Dominique Strauss-Kunt is spending loads of his wife's dough on top flight legal vultures and assorted PR scumbags and dodgy ex-CIA types as he wriggles and wriggles to try and escape the consequences of his actions.


Doesn't really matter, Dominique, you rancid old cock-happy elitist. Your reputation is shot no matter what verdict the legal process returns.

Although I would personally like you to spend a serious amount of time in prison avoiding Bubba and his friends...who may well take it personally that you tried to rape a black woman and then did everything you could to smear her reputation to save your own.

The Penguin

Over The Moon - Shame Peter's Under The Ground!

Smirking Sharon Shoesmith and her stony-faced legal team are hoping to shaft the poor old tax-payer for loadsa dosh as compensation for the ill-advised and peremptory way in which that stupid twat Blinky Balls sacked her as some sort of macho exercise in populist soundbites.

While you are claiming to be "Over The Moon", you hard-hearted bitch, you might care to remember that poor little Peter Connelly is under the ground, and probably better off there that under your tender fucking care.

I hope you get bowel cancer.

The Penguin

Barry O'Bamah Returns Home In Triumph

Bejasus, aincha just so proud to be Oirish as long lost waif Barry O'Bamah comes home to little Moneygall, County Offaly?

Next on his "keeping away from the troubles at home" world tour is China. He's working on finding the family connection, bound to be one if he looks hard enough.

The Penguin

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Prostitute.

Well I never, what a surprise. Teflon Tony and Bad Al's pet poodle spy-master prostitute has landed a nice little earner with an oil company with considerable interests in carving up oilfields in Iraq.

Well done, Sir John Scarlett.

You unspeakable cunt.

The Penguin

Once A Hoon, Always A Hoon

 "£3,000 a day is just the start for Hoon work..."

Just as "Buff" Huhne is being crucified in the Media and abandoned by his colleagues, up pops "Buff" Hoon to add to the gaiety of the nation.

Lucky old "Buff" Hoon has wangled himself a highly paid position at defence contractor Augusta Westland, who were the incredibly lucky ONLY bidder for a lucrative contract to supply the Army with a new helicopter. There was talk at the time over how fishy this smelt, since there were cheaper alternatives that could have been delivered earlier, and the poor old foot soldiers were dying because of a lack of helicopters. It got even smellier when the MoD’s then permanent secretary Sir Kevin Tebbit joined AgustaWestland’s Italian parent, Finmeccanica, just over a year after the deal was agreed. Of course, Italy and corruption, how could anyone suspect such a thing in the land of Berlusconi?


Why on earth would any reputable company want to employ such a disgraced wanker as "Buff" Hoon unless they needed a toilet cleaner?

The Penguin

A Question Of Judgement

How on earth can anyone possibly have any faith in Chris Huhne as a Cabinet Minister making important decisions which are likely to affect all of us?

After all, he has swapped a Brains ringer from Thunderbirds for a Desperate Dan look-a-like and thinks that this represents progress.

The Penguin

Reputation Completely Intact

Ex-over-promoted dodgy race-card playing plod Ali Dizaei, a fine example of the Met's Alice-in-Wonderland human resources management, gets a re-trial after it turns out that his victim is also a dodgy character.

Such a shame he won't be able to call on the services of his old mucker.

However, the repellent Dizaei is correct - I still think he's a cunt.

The Penguin

Error Of Judgement?

In 2008 Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of the IMF, admitted that he had an affair with a senior IMF official. He said he had made an “error of judgment”.

Now it seems the randy old goat has made another one.

Still, when he gets out of jail I'm sure the voters in France won't hold it against him.

The Penguin

Another Principled Socialist

"Up The Workers!"

Anyone remember that firebrand of socialism, Arthur Scargill? Always banging on about unfairness and privilege, castigating the rich and the feather-bedded bosses...

It has been observed that when Arthur took the top job at the NUM he had a huge union and a tiny house, but by the time he retired he had a tiny union and a huge house - but it seems it was even better that that.

He'd also managed to wangle a rent-free flat in the exclusive Barbican "for life" paid for by his now emaciated union, who currently can't afford to have a president.

Naturally, the highly principled Arthur Scargill wants to stand by the amazingly generous clause in his contract of employment, amended a few months before he retired. Never mind that it is costing those few left in the NUM about £20 each per year for his ongoing perk.

The Penguin

One Laws For Them

A Thief

Mr Laws has been found guilty of theft over six breaches of the rules in relation to his expense claims. Mr Laws, 45, was Chief Secretary to the Treasury for 17 days last May. He resigned after The Daily Telegraph reported that he had stolen more than £40,000 to pay to James Lundie, his rent-boy, despite MPs having been banned from paying rent to family members or partners since 2006.

It was also disclosed that he stole hundreds of pounds a month to cover bills for utilities and maintenance. In total, Mr Laws stole more than £100,000, despite providing virtually no documentary evidence in support of the claims.

After new rules were introduced demanding that MPs produce bills or receipts to back up such claims, Mr Laws’s claims dropped sharply. An initial inadequate investigation by police is understood to have been dropped and passed to John "Dr Dolittle" Lyon, the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner.

Mr Bold As A Lyon has spent almost a year trying to avoid examining the claims and is understood to have eventually concluded that Mr Laws stole lots of tax-payer's money.

Yesterday, a committee of MPs met to discuss how best they could let their thieving colleague off without any real punishment.

Mr Thieving Laws is an extremely well-off former banker.

Doubtless he'll soon return to the cabinet to rejoin the other criminals.

The Penguin

What's In A Name?

Doesn't seem to matter how you spell it, Hoon or Huhne, the result is the same. A complete cunt.

The Penguin

Time To Send An E-mail!!!

There seems to be a little local difficulty with some "travellers" down in Devon.

And what are the officials doing to assist the poor land owner get rid of the unwanted guests?


Nothing?

No, even worse that that - plod threatens him should he take direct action against them, and the Dartmoor National Park Authority have threatened him with a £20,000 fine if he doesn't get them off his land.

The gentleman in charge of the Planning and Sustainable Development Working Panel of this wonderful quango is Doctor Ian Mortimer.

You can contact him at ian.mortimer@dartmoor-npa.gov.uk
or
Home Address:43 Ford Street
Moretonhampstead
Newton Abbot
Devon
TQ13 8LN
Telephone: 01647 440153


I'm sure he'll be glad to hear what normal people think of his department's actions.

Cornwall & Devon Police Authority can be contacted here PolAuth@devonandcornwall.pnn.police.uk 

They might be interested in how impressed we all are at their performance on behalf of the council tax paying "settled" community.

The Penguin

Hillary Admits It Was South Park

"And then when we got to the bit where it's like "They've Killed Osama!" we all cheered and clapped..."

The Penguin