Opportunity Knocks - Loads Of Savings To Be Made!

Fenland District Council demonstrate a clever money saving scheme which I look forward to being rolled out across every local authority, and indeed most of Quangoland and Shitehall as well, and as soon as possible.

Their Chief Finance Officer moved to Australia and now works for Fenland DC on a one day a week basis on £20,000 not £100,000. With Skype and the Internet he works from home, attends council meetings by video link, even presented the budget. No one seems to miss his actual presence, or the four days a week worth of sitting around wanking off that he must have been doing previously.

So, Mr. Cameron, have George and his team get the calculators out and work out how much you can save. Might be enough for some tax cuts even after shipping all those overpaid twats to Australia.

The Penguin

Fancy Pushing Your Luck?

Here's an amusing but thought-provoking morsel doing the rounds.

"a. Go to Pakistan, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, or Iraq illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

b. Once there, demand that the local government provide free housing and medical care for you and your entire family.

c. Demand that all nurses and doctors be fluent in English, and that all food be cooked according to your special specifications in the hospital.

d. Demand free local government forms, bulletins, etc. be printed in English.

e. Procreate abundantly.

f. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behaviour with, 'It is a cultural thing; you wouldn't understand.'

g. Keep your original identity strong. Fly your previous country's national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window, or on your car bumper.

h. Speak only English at home and in public, and make sure that your children do likewise.

i. Demand classes on English culture in the Muslim school system.

j. Demand a local country driver license or national insurance number equivalent

k. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence.

l. Drive around with no motor tax or insurance and ignore local traffic laws.

m. Insist that local country law enforcement teaches English to all its officers.

n. Organise protest marches against your host country, inciting violence against non-white, non-Christians, and the government that let you in.

Good luck! You'll soon be dead.

It would never happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, or Iraq (or any other country in the world for that matter) except in the UK , because we are run by soft, politically correct politicians that are too scared to 'offend' anyone."

The Penguin

The Prime Mentalist Wriggles And Wriggles

In an interview on BBC Radio 4's Today Programme, Mr Brown was told by Evan Davis: "'Boom and bust' - it's been a phrase much associated with you; you're hanging your head as I even say the words."

He replied: "No, I'm not hanging my head at all. I'm just trying to shake off this bogey!"

Mr Davis said: "You must regret the emphasis, or almost the hubris in the way you spoke about 'ending boom and bust'?"

The Prime Minister said: "We were dealing with an inflation problem, and I had indigestion which led to regulatory inexactitude."

Mr Davis replied: "No, but you said you'd end boom and bust and we've had boom and bust. Just admit it, we've had boom and bust. On your watch, we've had boom and bust."

Mr Brown insisted: "I've got to be absolutely frank. We've been dealing with global financial failure which started in American and was nothing to do with me. It was bigger boys and then they ran away. The Tory Party are the Do Nothing Party, we are working every moment of every day for the hard working families and British Jobbies for British Workers."

Mr Davis said: "But it is boom and bust, isn't it?"

Mr Brown said: "It's quite different from anything we've dealt with before. No one has ever enjoyed such a sustained period of economic growth, for which you should all be very grateful."

Mr Davis asked again: "It's boom and bust, isn't it?"

Mr Brown said: "Evan, you can't spend your time doing television programmes describing the failure of markets, and describing how speculators, and how the lack of ... measuring risk was the fundamental problem, without seeing this as a different problem from the problems that British economies have been dealing with over the last 60 years. After all my investing money into the health service and education, and pretending that the Bank of England was independent, and forcing that snake oil salesman to resign, you should be thanking me for being so Prudent."

Mr Davis said: "But it is boom and bust. Let's agree one thing before this interview is over - that it is boom and bust. I mean, are you refusing to use even the words 'boom and bust' to describe it?"

The Prime Minister said: "Once you've established the nature of this problem as a global financial failure then you know we're into completely new territory. I say to you we've had to rethink so many of our policies. I hope we've been ahead in doing so. We took steps to deal with the banking problem by giving them lots of money so they could enjoy Christmas, we took steps to deal with the lack of demand in the economy by cutting VAT by 2.5% on plasma screen TV sets for hard working families, we're now taking steps to encourage lending by giving even more money to the banks so they can have a New Year bonus. We've analysed the problem, done the right thing. We have a plan for my recovery in the opinion polls. I believe other countries will do similar things to what we're doing and that is the way out of this global problem which started in America."

"Out of this boom and bust?" asked Mr Davis.

"It's totally different from the inflation-led problems of the past," Mr Brown insisted for a final time. "There's nothing remotely like Boom and Bust. That is a ridiculous idea started in America and the Do Nothing Party Opposite would not have the first idea of how to cause such a massive and prudent housing market while lifting children out of poverty and stopping mosquitos from biting people in Africa."

The Penguin

Unfit For Purpose, Unfit For Office

On 25 April 2006 it emerged that 1,023 foreign prisoners had been freed without being considered for deportation. Among the offenders, five had been convicted of committing sex offences on children, seven had served time for other sex offences, 57 for violent offences and two for manslaughter. There were also 41 burglars, 20 drug importers, 54 convicted of assault and 27 of indecent assault. Former Home Secretary David Blunkett commented that “Heads should roll” over the scandal, despite the fact that many of the releases occurred during his period as Home Secretary. The cunt.

The Home Office later revealed that of those, 288 were released from prison between August 2005 and March 2006 - proving that the problem continued long after it had been raised with the government. Charles Clarke said: "It is a massive issue and it's true to say, with the vast growth of foreign national prisoners, we took our eye off the ball. The first priority at this moment is to get the situation under control - that is what I'm focusing on. We don't know exactly where everybody is ... I know where about 100 of those 1,000 now are, and we are going through the most urgent cases" . (All these eyesight references, was he having a go at Blunkett or Brown or both?)

The foreign prisoners scandal led many to call for Clarke's resignation, not only from the opposition; Clarke reportedly offered to resign, but Tony Bliar refused to accept this, then axed him in a reshuffle. In came tosspot John Reid to declare the Home Office "Unfit For Purpose".

Now, three years on and we have another fucking useless Home Secretary, even though more than half of the Home office has been taken away and rebranded as the Dont Expect Justice Ministry, with Slippery Weasel Jack Straw supposedly in charge.

And it turns out that 90% of failed asylum seekers don't get deported, and the "Border Authority" don't know where they are.

Surely it's time for the kebab stuffing one to fuck off back to being a piss poor school teacher?

The Penguin

(Thanks to Wikipedia)

Recession? What Recession?

A completed deluded and incompetent fuckwit is quoted as saying this - "The situation in Britain is this: that we have low public debt, we have low inflation, wages are under control."

Believable? Any of it?

Low public debt - not if you take the Office of National Statistics own figures, which are high even without the addition of all the new bank bailout blank cheque, or the Enron-like PFI stuff.

Low Inflation - only a cunt who never has to pay for anything himself could even think that was the case.

Wages under control - Hmmmm, the number of overpaid twats in council jobs getting more than £50,000 has gone up by 22%.

Guess who said it? His photograph is at the top of the rant.

The Penguin

Should Not Be Trusted With Money

It becomes more and more obvious as times passes. New Liebore are just completely incompetent and untrustworthy when it comes to anything to do with money. Except stealing it.

That "pretty straight kind of guy" Tony Bliar should be in Pentonville for bribery and corruption on a massive scale, not swanning round charging ridiculous fees for dire spoutings of crap. Right from the Bernie Ecclestone charade to the Cash for Peerages fiasco, there was always the whiff of sleaze hanging round him. His greedy ugly wife's choice of friends was also suspect, and she should by rights have a criminal record for travelling without a ticket.

Lord Voldemort should have been prosecuted for mortgage fraud.

Mr. Tessa Jowell is about to be found guilty of accepting bribes and perjury.

Mr. Harriet Harman is so efficient as Treasurer of the Labour Party that he didn't know anything about the massive loans that Tone and Lord Cashpoint were blagging. But then again, nor did the control freak chancellor Gorgon McBroon, even though he was in charge of the campaign that was spending the money. One has to presume he took his eye off the ball, and was relying on David Blunkett to see the bigger picture.

That blind twat was busy abusing travel warrants to shuffle his mistresses around the country when ministerial cars weren't available.

I have yet to see any evidence that the illegal donations from David Abrahams have been repaid or confiscated.

Peter "Orange Afrikaaner" Hain has escaped prosecution for failing to register over £100,000 of "donations" to his ludicrous deputy dog campaign - for fuck's sake, spending £185,000 and coming fifth?

Slippery Weasel Jack Straw gets slapped on the wrist for failing to declare a very dodgy £5,000 donation - he's only the fucking Justice Minister, good to see the cunt setting an example.

The Smith Institute's charitable status and shuffling money to Gorgon and to Ed Balls has been spotlit by Guido.

Ed and Yvette's expenses scam is a disgrace even if it is within the rules.

I'm bored now - feel free to add your own examples!

The Penguin

Completely Divorced From Reality

It seems that many of our dearly beloved Government Ministers are completely and utterly divorced from the painful reality that the rest of us have to deal with. One after another they open their mouths to illustrate how there is a gaping void between their ears. If the NHS wasn't such a dangerous place for patients, one might assume they had been into hospital and had their common sense surgically removed. Of course, NuLiebore being the party of Hypocrites, they may have done this on the quiet privately, with less risk of shitting themselves to death after being infected with C. Difficile.

However, we have the unedifying spectacle of Baroness ( Unelected ) Shrieky Vadera declaring that she can seen the green shoots of economic recovery in a week when 40,000 or so lose their jobs, the pound tanks, and bank shares start going south thanks to Gordon Brown's pronouncements. Then up pops that popular choice for ugliest creature in Parliament Margaret Beckett to warn of a housing boom whilst all around is repossessions so Northern Crock employees can get bonuses. And to top it off nicely, Tony McNulty declares that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, you ugly cunt, it's the IMF with a candle and a note saying "Sorry, can't help, we've run out of money!"

Meanwhile the Son of The Manse, Moral Compass Man, Saviour of The World, is forced into an embarrassing U-turn over hiding MP's expenses from scrutiny. What was he doing trying this on in the first place, if he is so anti-corruption and so painfully honest? Except, of course, he knows full well the extent of the advantage that many senior MPs on all sides have been taking on their expenses and allowances, and is desperate to keep it from the public, who will be so outraged that many resignations may be unavoidable. And that would mean byelections, and he's behind in the polls, so we can't take that risk, can we, Bottler?

The Penguin

Some Animals Are More Equal Than Others

And under the European Court of Human Rights, some humans are more equal than others. Muslims seem to have far more rights than Christians or Jews or Atheists, according to fuckwits at the Amsterdam Appeals Court who have decided that freedom of expression and open debate is a criminal offence if it offends the followers of Mohammed.

It becomes ever more urgent for Britain to leave the EUSSR and kick the ECHR into touch.

The Penguin

Postman Pat Makes £900,000 A Day - But Shuts Your Post Office!

Record Profits at The Royal Mail, while a postage stamp leaps 3p, second deliveries are a thing of the past, domestic deliveries are closer to lunch time than breakfast time, thousand of much needed post offices are closed with a farcical figleaf of "consultation", and The Dark Lord mutters about selling a large part of the business to a foreign company because British Managers don't have the right DNA to run a business. What the fuck?

Adam Crozier and other top bosses are doubtless entitled to huge bonuses. I doubt that there are inflation busting payrises lined up for the rank and file.

Part of the problem faced by the closed and due to close post offices in rural areas and backstreets is the stupidity of the government in forcing pensioners to have bank accounts for their pittances and benefits, rather than going to the post office. Similarly, try picking up a Passport Application Form. Or paying for your fucking TV licence at a Post Office.

The Penguin

Banking Crisis What Crisis? Bonuses All Round!

One thing that I find difficult to stomach is the obscene bonuses and salary packages awarded to top bankers by their colleagues despite the little problems that seem to be causing everyone else such trauma. There should be an angry mob of RBS shareholders outside Sir Fred The Shred's swanky Edinburgh pile, threatening "direct action" if the arrogant greedy cunt (close friend of Gordon's until very recently!) doesn't hand back several of the millions of pounds of bonuses he collected whilst fucking up the bank through his vanity and hubris. Then the mob should turn on the auditors, and then the overpaid but useless regulators at the FSA.

Badger and McBroon claim that they do not have any control over bankers bonuses, despite pouring shedloads of taxpayers money in to prop them up.

However, they should have control over the 100% nationalised Northern Crock. And what do we have at Northern Crock - a 10% bonus for every employee. Nice enough for the average banker on £22,000. Fucking Nice One for the cunts at the top on £700,000.

Have Northern Crock made a profit? Nope - this nice little earner, £8.8 MILLION in all, is because by an aggressive policy of repossessions they have achieved a target of paying back to the Treasury some of the taxpayers cash used to bail them out. More bonuses will be triggered if further pay back targets are met.

I wonder if Northern Crock are going to continue aggressively throwing folk out of their houses, or will take notice of Gordon's requests for clemency? And thereby risk missing out on more bonuses? What do you think?

The Penguin

McBroon Bottles Yet Again

The Great Leader, Saviour Of The World, has once again demonstrated all the backbone of a jellyfish as he dropped plans to introduce an amendment to the Freedom Of Information Act that would keep secret MPs expense claims. As soon as he discovered that the Conservatives and the Limp Dems would be voting against the secrecy measures, leaving the Labour Party alone open to the mounting criticism he decided to bravely run away.

This is excellent news.

Now the imminent publication of details of 1.2 million pages of receipts and expenses claims submitted by MPs since 2005 should provide journalists with plenty of ammunition to lob at the greedy troughing bastards infesting the House of Common Criminals.

And it again highlights the bumbling cowardice of the Prime Mentalist.

The Penguin

The Fat Police Renamed In Make Over - Broccoli Police!

Secretary Of State for Health Alan Johnson has renamed the Fat Police as the Broccoli Police, after complaints from several senior Metropolitan Police Officers that people thought he was refering to them and their habits at the trough as the Fat Police.

Mr. Johnson also demonstrated how the Broccoli Police would deal with any salad dodgers that they encountered, giving Sky's overweight anchorman Adam Boulton a karate chop, which the pie stuffing Boulton foolishly tried to eat, mistaking it for a Barnsley chop.

The Penguin

Hang On, I've Got A Plan! Do An Italian Jobbie!!

Gordon Brown, Our Great Unelected Saviour Of The World (and the Banks) is working on doing an Italian Jobbie.

He is desperately jealous of the corrupt scumbag Berlusconi, who has managed to extricate himself from all legal difficulties over his bribery and sleaze by having laws passed making the 4 top political posts in Italy exempt from any prosecution.

That way, Signor B is no longer a defendant in the embarrassing case before the Italian courts of Mr. Tessa Jowell. Of course, the ever fragrant Ms. Jowell has distanced herself from the defendant as well, through a useful and timely "separation" for political expediency. And the defendant himself is trying to retract three confessions, but he looks bang to rights.

How handy it would be, thinks The Great Leader, if such exemptions could be enacted here. No threat of being tried for War Crimes, or Incompetence, or Treason, or Corruption.

It would be a weight lifted from his fevered imagination.

The Penguin

A New Low For Justice in Britain - Thanks Jack!!

I hope Jack Slippery Weasel Straw is proud of his achievements in government, especially his tenure of the Home Unfit For Purpose Office and now its bastard offspring, The Justice Department (complete with hugely over-expensive refurbished offices).

Not only is this country seen by aspiring legal and illegal immigrants as a soft fucking touch for benefits, the Prison Regime at Her Majesty's Pontins is so highly regarded that folk thrown out of prison in their own countries come here to do serious crimes and get deliberately caught so they can go to prison to learn English, preferably same prison as their brother - wouldn't want to infringe his fucking family rights! - all found and cosy. Mobile phone and drugs readily available.

Well done, Jack.

The Penguin

Whitehall Farce Update

It seems that the head civil service weasel at the Home UnfitForOffice is trying to cover his arse.

Whether or not he succeeds, his attempts add to the shit pile being readied for tipping onto Inspector Knackered of The Yard, also known as Quick The Limo (Now Weddings Only).

Never mind, Quick can always retire, grab his pension, and get a job working on one of Jacqui's other quangos or semi-police farces. Lovely Jubbly!

The Penguin

Laughing All The Way To The Trough

It's not surprising that one of the many affectionate terms used by the public for the police is "pigs".

Some of them have to take on additional work to make ends meet, and there was a bit of a hoo-hah when Jacqui "Five Bellies" Smith delayed their payrise. Although they supinely still accompany her to the kebab shop, apparently, rather than telling her to stop dodging salads.

But for those at the top tables, there's a large old trough available.

Seems that the sort who reach the upper echelons of the Met are very clued up on this one, it's almost as good as going legal and claiming discrimination, and it is available to white officers.

You retire after 30 years on a huge pension, and promptly join a police farce not directly under the Home Office, such as the British Transport Police. Then you get paid your pension PLUS the new salary and can start building a SECOND fat pension.

And you can do this even if you have failed to get knife crime under control, so even the incompetent can benefit.

The Penguin

Standards Low, Expectations Lower Still

The Department for Innovation, Universities and Skills has been criticised for producing an annual report that is full of jargon and designed to be difficult to read in an attempt to mask failures in its achievement of targets.

Agreeing with the select committee, the Permanent Secretary Ian Whatmore promised to bring in advisers to help write this year's report.

For fuck's fucking sake, the senior civil servants in the department responsible for UNIVERSITIES needs to bring in outside fucking experts to draft a fucking report in plain English?

Education, Education, Education.

The Penguin

Gordon Wishes He'd Bought One

999 - Emergency!! Put Me Through To Health and Safety!

If you need the Coastguard, be prepared for a delay while they fill in a Health And Safety Risk Assessment before they come and help you.

The Penguin

Gamblers Anonymous

GB: "Errrr, my name's Gordon and I'm a compulsive gambler. I just can't help myself, I just keep pissing money away on duff bets and lame horses. It's not my fault, you understand, it's all the fault of other people in America. I have made very poor bets on Education, Foreign Wars, the National Health Service, Prisons, Transport, and the Economy. I'm also a very poor judge of character, I just keep betting on the wrong people. That Ed Balls-Up for example, I now see that he is a complete tit. And I'd have bet you good money that Mandy and I would never have kissed and made up, and now look at us!"

Counsellor: "So, are you here to try and get some help?"

GB: "What the fuck for? I'm here to steal some more of your money! There's a lovely little filly called RBS running in the 3.30 at Haydock, great odds, it's a fucking certainty. I'm going to bet your house on it!"


The Penguin

The New Ship Money - Where's The New New Model Army?

If the government acting as the executive raises taxes without the consent of the elected representatives of the people, are we in the realms of taxation without representation?

That was one of the causes of the American Colonies deciding to go for Independence.

The sad apology that passes for a government have created the opportunity for a whole new stealth tax to be imposed on us by local authorities without the need for any Parliamentary scrutiny or approval. Hailed by the opposition as a 21st century revival of the old Ship Money which led fairly directly to the war between the parliamentarians and the king.

So, bring on a 21st century Oliver Cromwell, and cut the Gorgon's head off as soon as possible. Those who refuse to learn from history...

The Penguin

Tough On Crime? Not So You'd Notice!!!

The Home Economics Secretary, anonymously praised by her husband for doing such a good job, has had to admit to a select committee that 160,000 out of 550,000 criminal cases were simply dropped under a scheme brought in by the NuLiebore Government to save a few quid in court costs.

What a fucking result! That must be saving a fucking fortune in court costs.

Fuck alone knows what it is costing society in having these criminals go unpunished. Fuck alone knows what this is doing for plod morale. Still, as long as Jacqui can have a police escort when she wants a kebab, that's all right, isn't it?

The Penguin

NB Jacqui is WAY AHEAD in the current poll!

Shrieky's Green Shoots Not Visible In The Art World

Oddly enough, Baroness Unelected Vadera's Green Shoots of Economic Recovery have not been noticed in the world of Art, Antiques and Fine Wine.

Jobs are Going, Going, Gone at London's oldest auction house.

Perhaps she didn't shout loudly enough?

The Penguin

Gordon Brown Saved The World - Now He Must Do It Again

The Great Leader, Gordon The Unelected, Gordon of the Blank Cheque, boasted in the House of Criminals that He had saved the world.

Oddly enough, it seems that now He has to save the world again, only with even more of our money.

One has to wonder, if it didn't fucking well work the first time, and probably won't work this next time, how many more times will he try the same stupid thing before we are completely bankrupt as a country?

Deluded cunt.

The Penguin

Head Banging In The Cabinet

It is reported that Lord Second Life Mandelson was so frustrated over the failure of some of his cabinet colleagues to see the light over the Heathrow Third Runway opportunity for donations that he banged his head on the table.

Anyone remember the film "The Untouchables" ?

Robert de Niro as Capone? And the team briefing? And the baseball bat?

That's the sort of head banging I want to hear about from the cabinet!!

The Penguin

NB The Arrsepedia entry