Monday, 22 December 2008

Letter To The Editor


Dear Sir,

I would like to draw your readers' attention to the splendid job being done by the Home Economics Secretary, the first woman to have achieved this high office of state, even though she is not black. Jacqui Smith has done wonders in what one of her predecessors called a department not fit for purpose. Single handed, Jacqui Smith has repaired our porous borders and removed all the illegal aliens, safely deporting them to welcoming and safe countries where they will be cosseted and given plenty of benefits.

She has ensured that all foreigners who have committed crimes are sent back home immediately that they finish their prison sentences (those who have been caught, obviously) and that they have their ID cards marked “Not Wanted in the UK” so that they can’t just come back again.

Jacqui has made sure that every criminal serves out the full sentence imposed by the independent judiciary so that the public and hard working families are safe and that murders and rapes are no longer committed by scum on early release or police bail.

Her loyal and committed civil servants have not leaked sensitive documents to opposition politicians or the media, which used to be such a feature of previous administrations. So there has been no need for a heavy handed and badly run police investigation by Inspector Knackered of the Metropoliticised Police Farce ( Motto :“Serving NuLabour Together for A Safer Re-election” )

Her amazing ability to protect the public and their vital information means that the introduction of the hugely popular ID cards ( £876 each, real bargain!) is going to be the most successful government IT scheme ever, and only £590 billion over budget, which again is a record.

The other thing that I should like to mention is that the ever fragrant Jacqui has never been caught out fiddling her expenses or paying family members vast sums of tax payers money for doing bugger all but write congratulatory letters to local papers to try and shore up a tiny electoral majority.

Richard Timney (Mrs.)

7 comments:

Tractor Stats said...

Ah! that would explain the current wave of vomiting sickness spreading across the country, the Jacqui Virus. Only one cure, eradicate at source, quarantine all carriers at Labour HQ and finally, strike match.

North Northwester said...

Google her name and then go into images.

http://images.google.co.uk/images?client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&channel=s&hl=en&q=Jacqui%20Smith&cr=countryUK|countryGB&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi

She always, always: happy sad or thoughtful looks as if she's just that very instant realised that Mister Gordon Brown has deposited a parcel of his genetic information in the southern approaches of her digestive tract.

A bit like Britain, really.

microdave said...

"deposited a parcel of his genetic information in the southern approaches of her digestive tract."

That's the funniest line I've read all day! Actually it's the only funny thing I've read all day....

Maybe the two of them should change career, and become p0rn actors. Then at least they would only be able to fcuk each other, not the rest of the country.

North Northwester said...

Thank you microdave, and spread the word that there's a new cranberry squid strangler in town.

I'm off now to teach a Banjo Master-class to all my relatives, using my strangely asymmetrical wrists muscles.

But at least I'm not in Nu Labour...

lance D'boyle said...

Dear Sir,
I am in a state of shock that this newspaper saw fit to publish a letter from Richard Timney using the words 'fit' and 'Jaqui Smith' in the same sentence.

Scrobs said...

I assume that the dreadful woman will be the only Home Secretary, who won't know where the bodies are buried too...

Dick Puddlecote said...

What a fucking cock. But then, he's got to be stupid to shack up with that lardy bint.