Shame The Dean Didn't Tell Him To Fuck Off

It seems that the Dean of Westminster Abbey takes Christian forgiveness seriously.

Otherwise he might have told the Squeaker and The Slapper to fuck off to Hackney.

The Penguin

The Police Farce

Different Rules Apply?


Nothing to see here, just move along...

Problem with pikeys

Racial abuse

Front line policing

The Penguin

Knackered Of The Yard

Covering himself in yet more glory, Deputy Commissar John "Knackered" Yates admits that under his stewardship the whitewash over the Screws phone-hacking only warned a paltry 36 people that they may have been targets, despite his many assurances to Parliamentary Select Committees of the Met's diligence and thoroughness.


The new broom put in charge has contacted some 4,000 people.

Still, this is the copper who failed to find any evidence of loans for peerages and who seems to spend a lot of his time in swanky restaurants with senior executives from News International.

The Penguin

Gagging Order's The Right Name!

"Alice Miles has been a columnist at The Times since 1999.

After graduating from Southampton University she joined the Mail on Sunday as a trainee. Since then she has qualified as a barrister, been a political reporter for the Evening Standard and chief leader writer for the Express.

Alice lives in London and has a young daughter."

"Marr lives in East Sheen, London, with his wife, the political journalist Jackie Ashley of The Guardian, whom he married in August 1987 in Surrey. She is a daughter of the Labour life peer Lord Ashley of Stoke. The couple have a son and two daughters. "

I think I'd be inclined to gag if I had to shag that.

Mind you, if the child is not old Jug Ear's, then who was he sharing little Alice with? Or perhaps he was just a team player?

I wonder if he's asked for all those maintenance payments to be returned?

The Penguin

Very Wise

There is now the faintest possibility of a long and happy marriage for Prince William and Kate Middleclass.

They have excluded Jonah from the guest list.

The Penguin

Paranoid Numpty Of The Year

Step forward black headmistress Shirley Patterson, who somehow managed not only to take personal offence at a poster promoting a parent's meeting and stir up a council witch-hunt costing fuck knows how much, but has set back the cause of promoting black teachers by decades.

How on earth can the stupid woman think that a depiction of Charles Darwin, a victorian gentleman in a frock coat with a huge bushy white beard is supposed to be representing her, a frumpy lumpen middle-aged black woman with dodgy "designer" spectacles? And be so upset as to claim she felt intimidated and threatened?

At least the police declined to take her seriously, thank fuck for small mercies.

The Penguin

Pathologist For Sale, Slightly Soiled

For Sale, or Hire, to the highest bidder, all offers considered, one dodgy pathologist with considerable track record, able to reach any conclusion that might be required to assist his client's best interests. Prepared to destroy evidence, change reports, lie under oath. Glowing references available from the Metropolitan Police.


Hopes to regain his accreditation in due course.

The Penguin

A Cautionary Tale

If any of you have not yet read it, there's a cautionary tale over at the Raccoon Arms.

The Penguin

Save Some Money

Liam Fox could save a good few quid with bugger-all downside by sacking the top echelons of the brylcreem brigade. Especially any one involved in the cluster-fuck "Typhoon Project" which has been such an inspiring example of mis-management it'll probably be in textbooks.

Not only behind project and vastly over-budget, the fuckwits didn't even know what they wanted the aeroplane to do. They spend massive amounts not in the original spec to equip it for air-to-ground attack in 2004, but then didn't bother training the pilots.


On March 9th Air Vice Marshal Stephen Hillier told the Public Accounts Committee thatthe RAF saw no reason to spend money giving Typhoon pilots “skills that we do not expect to deploy in operations”. 

On March 19th  the RAF deployed Typhoons to the Libya "engagement" and hastily rigged up one to bomb a tank the day before the PAC report came out.

Biggles is spinning in his grave.

The Penguin

Please, God, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is rumoured that Jonah McDoom wants to be the next managing directgor of the IMF.

Never mind the fact that he is supremely under-qualified for the post, or that his track record of fucking up financial regulation in the UK, flogging our gold at rock-bottom price, running the economy into the worse bust in history, picking his nose on camera, throwing tantrums, telling lies, and generally being a cunt - what about the Curse Of Jonah?

Within months, the IMF would be dead in the water...

The Penguin

Avoiding Tax Avoidance - MP's Special Exemption

Copied directly from the Telegraph:

“Complex and at times draconian draft tax legislation, which has the potential to impact on any employee or employer in the UK, is contained in the Finance Bill.

“HM Revenue & Customs says that this legislation is only there to stop ‘tax avoidance’. However, Section 554E(8) specifically exempts members of the House of Commons and the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority from the new legislation in situations where they are actually caught by it.

“If the legislation is fair and proportional, what is the need for a specific exemption for members of the House of Commons? Why don’t they rely on the same arrangements that every other employer and employee in this country has to rely on?

“If the legislation only targets tax avoidance, why is there a need for a special exemption for MPs?”

Why indeed?

The Penguin

Cunstable Of The Month

Despite it being such a target rich environment, April's "Cunstable Of The Month" award goes to Superintendent Gary Thompson of Gloucestershire's Plod, who seems to think that sending a helicopter, two vans, three patrol cars and two dog units to apprehend a couple who had helped themselves to some rubbish from an un-manned recycling centre, valued at 47 pence, is good policing and an appropriate use of resources.

If you were to report a burglary or some yobs throwing bricks at old people's windows, you be lucky to get any response at all.

No wonder normal folk can't be arsed with assisting the police.

The Penguin

Who's BeenTelling Porkies?

In the unedifying tale of phone hacking and cover-ups, the closeness of Plod to the Gutter Press is being dragged into the light of day bit by stinking bit.

Now we have a good old fashioned public punch-up in front of the House of Commons Home Affairs Committee and the Committee on Culture, Media and Sport between little Yates Of The Yard, whose previous successes include failing to find any evidence for the Loans For Peerages scandal, and that stalwart lefty wanker, the DPP Keir Starmer QC.

It seems that little Yates has been telling massive porkies, and trying to use the DPP and his fucktards at the CPS as a fig-leaf. Only the DPP isn't happy about getting the blame, and so has dropped little Yates right in it. Isn't telling lies to Parliamentary Committees against the law?

Marvellous fun - who'd have thought something so dull as bugging John Prescott's phone could cause such gaiety?

The Penguin

Baden Powell Spinning In His Grave

"Hands Up If You've Got The Condom Badge!"

Shame they can't link him up to the National Grid, he'd probably power a small town.

Did Dib, Dob Dob,
Put the Johnny
On Your Knob!

The Penguin

Anarchist? Wanker, More Like!

Oh Dreary Me!


Another so-called anarchist who awarded himself the title of "Captain Anarchy" and tweeted as "stormingheaven" turns out to be a comfortably off council employee with strong family links to NuLiebore. Probably still lives at home.

And, even more depressing, the mong works in the field of information technology and boasts of having a certificate for "IT Security" yet he doesn't seem to have the first idea of how the internet works, so his pathetic attempts to disassociate himself from his little rebellion once the media tracked him down are not going to save him. However, with any luck he'll have plenty of time in prison to reflect on how he didn't really have the courage of his convictions.

The Penguin

Just A Co-incidence?

"Just Lucky, I Guess!"

Sue Vincent, Camden Council’s cabinet member for the environment has been rehoused to a very desirable location in Covent Garden.

Of course, it has got nothing whatsoever to do with her being on the management board of Seven Dials Housing Co-operative, the housing association who evicted the family who had lived there for 25 years.

Then there may be some who think that if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims and flies like a duck, and tastes fucking great with orange sauce then it might just be a fucking duck.


The Penguin

Oily Keith Vaz's Dodgy Friend - Latest

Tragic - it seems Keith Vaz's erstwhile Best Friend, the dodgy so-called solicitor to such clients as disgraced former Met commander Ali Dizaei and the ludicrously over-promoted token Met  Assistant Commissioner Tarique Ghaffur is finally being held to account by the Solicitors Regulation Authority despite his best efforts to claim it is all racism.


I wonder if Oily Keith will turn up to speak out as a character witness for his chum?

The Penguin