Be Warned - You Can Die From An Overdose Of Ugliness!

"John Norton, who was married to former Ulster Secretary Mo Mowlam, has died at the age of 53.

Founder of the Left-wing think-tank Demos, Mr Norton also set up the Thousand Club to raise money for Labour.

He was left deeply saddened by the death of Ms Mowlam in 2005 and is said to have also become disillusioned with New Labour.

He came back into the public eye the year after Ms Mowlam's death when it emerged that he was having a relationship with Clare Short, the former Overseas Aid Secretary."

So there you are, 53 is no age, he had plenty of money, there's no report of "bravely borne" or "after a long battle with cancer" - he obviously died from an overdose of UGLINESS.

The Penguin

Geoff Hoon's Advice To Motorists

Secretary Of State For Transport, Geoff Hoon, has told a group of the privileged over a lunch in Westminster (it's all right, he can claim it back on expenses!) that he is sick and fucking tired of motorists complaining that the roads are too dangerous to drive on because the government have not spent enough on snow ploughs and gritters.

"What the fuck do they expect? I couldn't even get enough body armour or rifles for our troops before I sent them off to Iraq and that other place, you know, dusty, sand, arabs. Horrid place. Any way, all these whingeing bloody drivers, they can fuck right off down to Halfords and buy some snow chains. Waiter!! Two more of the Margaux!!"

The Penguin

What The Hungarian Adulterer Running France Said

"The British chose a recovery plan by boosting consumer spending, notably by cutting VAT by two per cent. The idiots! It is plain to see that it has brought absolutely no progress. In fact is has made things worse!

When the English decided to cut VAT by two per cent, a certain number of politicians rushed to tell me that I should do the same. Since then, not only has consumption in England not gone up, it continues to go down.

The reason is simple: because it's in people's heads. If the consumer no longer consumes, he won't change just because we add or subtract one VAT point, it's because he's scared for his future, he's scared for his job and says to himself: 'I must save, because bad times are coming and that Scottish cunt is still in charge'.

In France, we chose investment because when we put France into debt by taking money to invest, in return we have assets, infrastructure. When you put your country into debt to pay for operating costs, you have nothing in return for your debt and you ruin the country. Just like that Gordon Brown in Angleterre!

If the English did that it's because they don't have any industry left. Gordon Brown cannot do what I am doing with carmakers, in construction and other industries, because they haven't got any left. All they have is big government with a mad one eyed snot gobbler in charge, mon dieu, it is amazing! Did you see the way he dribbled all over Carla? Disgusting! And he smells of piss!"

The Penguin

More Bad News For The Home Unfit For Office

It just keeps piling onto poor Jacqui's desk like elephant droppings from a herd of elephants that have been overdoing the laxatives.

Latest turd is an official report confirming that Police Community Support Officers are slightly worse than useless. They are causing disciplinary problems because they are bored and see themselves as 'glorified security guards'.

The Metropolitan Police Farce (Motto : Keeping Off The Streets As Much As Possible ) have had to sack 20 or so, and discipline another 15 in the last year for gross misconduct.

Good thing Blind Pew can't see the report, he might be all upset.

The Penguin

Just As Well She's Got A Face You'd Never Tire Of Slapping!

I'm sorry, but the only way to describe our useless Home Economics Secretary is pathetic.

Faced with a tsumani of knife crime, the best she can come up with is to have shops display notices proclaiming that they will ask for proof of ID if they think the prospective purchaser of a knife is under 18.

For Fuck's Fucking Sake, this domestic science (cookery!) teacher turned politician is dafter than a barrel full of fucking frogs spawn.

These kids are not wasting their money down John Lewis picking out a Sabatier. They don't need to, there's a fucking selection to choose from for fucking free in the kitchen. Or a Stanley Knife and Chisels in the garage.

Oh, and I think the plod in the picture with sad Jacqui is her failed "Knife Czar" who is about to retire from the Metropolitan Police Farce ( Motto: "We Shoot To Kill" ) on a massive pension following 30 years of keeping his nose clean, only to walk into a new post training senior officers for even more senior roles, whilst clocking up more pension rights along with a handsome salary and perks package. Obviously this is more important than tackling knife crime, especially as it seems the vast number of victims and culprits are black.

The Penguin

Tony Blair's Washington Speech (The God Botherer)

"Good Morning, And God Bless America. I'd like to start, if I may, by thanking President Barack Obama, my new best friend, for giving me this chance to speak to you all and thus publically demonstrate to everyone and especially my old friend Gordon just who is important and who is second rate and always will be.

Secondly, I want to praise the Lord and set the record straight on my devotion to God and all his children - except of course, those in Iraq, Afghanistan, Sierra Leone, Kosovo, and Serbia that I may inadvertently have helped to slaughter. I was first overcome with the Holy Spirit when I was just an innocent child, had hardly learnt to wank properly, and my poor old father had a stroke. My mother sent me off to school to get me out of the way, and when my teacher was told about my father, he said he would pray for him. So I told him that my father didn't believe in God, and he said more fool him, that's why God has struck the sinner down. That was quite a lesson!

So when things started to go tits up when I was President of England, and the shit was hitting the fan over all the lies I had told and the dodgy dossier and cash for honours, I suddenly thought, Hey Tony, you need to get in with the big Man, and so I went to see the Arch Cardinal Bishop of Westminster to get some free get out of jail vouchers. Of course, I had to sneak around the houses as I didn't want to frighten the voters by doing the God thing, some of them were already calling me Phoney Tony the ungrateful bastards, so I kind of kept it all a bit hush hush
until it was time to bail out and leave sad old Gordon to carry the can.

Then of course I could take up my appointment with the Pope, get absolution for all the wicked things I'd done, and now of course I'm purer than pure, and God's Own Peace Envoy to the Middle East in my spare time from the rubber chicken speaking dinners and the directors meetings at J P Morgan of course, got to look after the body as well as the soul.

Anyway, that's quite enough of me - unless you're paying, so God Bless America!"

The Penguin.

How Does The Poor Woman Keep Taking It?

If she wasn't such a shrill self-satisfied cow you might at a stretch and with a following wind feel the odd twinge of pity for our useless and incompetent Home Economics Secretary, Jacqui Smith. About the only words of encouragement she gets are those she pays her husband to write.

As I wrote over at Old Holborn's Club For Desperados yesterday, La Spliff was holding a meeting to bring together experts on burglary in order to try and countermand her earlier assertion that the depression (previously recession, thanks Gordon) would inevitably lead to an increase in burglaries. She has already been rapped publicly over the knuckles for fiddling statistics, so has to find another way of spinning that things are not running dangerously out of control. Although she needs a plod escort to go for a kebab, and has admitted being too afraid to go out in London in the dark.

However, her little summit was holed below the waterline by the fact that Labour's own figures show that 80% of serial burglars escape the maximum prison sentence, and 15% don't even go to prison at all. And Jack "Slippery Weasel" Straw over at the laughable Ministry Of No Justice has let 4,000 burglars out early because when Home Secretary he failed to build any prisons, the stupid corrupt little cunt.

She must also have been a tad dismayed that a report has also been published revealing that not all of the police farces are ready to deal with large scale civil disobedience.

Best order some more tasers, Jacqui!

The Penguin

At Last The Truth - Or At Least, A Confession Under Pressure!

David Millipede, our Foreign Secretary From Outer Space, has confessed under pressure that he has no idea what words mean in plain English.

"When I say that the United States of America has not blackmailed or threatened the British Government over releasing details of the torture and mistreatment of an Ethiopian scumbag who had forfeited his British Residency status to go and kill American and British troops in Iraq and Aghanistan and who they want to dump on the taxpayer here in Britain, I merely mean that they have pointed out that releasing such information would result in serious consequences that we would not like."

David Millipede is 13 and a half and very fond of bananas. And Gordon's cock, of course.

The Penguin

I Could Have Been A Contender!

Back in February 2008 Charles Jug Ears Clarke, Noted Pie Stuffer, had lunch with Petronella Wyatt, and over smoked salmon and scrambled eggs followed by Steak Tartare, vented his considerable spleen on the subject of The Great Leader. I shall put the wisdom of Charlie as reported by Petronella in BLUE. (You can check this out HERE )

Then I shall cut that outpouring with the February 2009 interview with Mary Riddell in the Telegraph, in RED. Just for fun!

The Prime Minister cannot bear anyone who challenges him.

We go back a very long way, Gordon and I. I like and respect him. But we've had a lot of disagreements about the way politics should be done.

People want the security of confidence about where we are going. They are fed up with a stop-go, chop-and-change approach, taking up things and then dropping them. Voters don't know where Labour stands.

The grand story is very clear. Thirty years of Thatcher/Reagan, tempered by Clinton/Blair, are over. What are we saying for the future?

I have to start a debate about all this because it is only two and a half years until the next General Election, and it is imperative that there is a discussion of Labour's future before it has no future and is obliterated.

I've talked to some of the people round him, but Gordon and I haven't had a serious
talk this year.

At first, I had thought it unlikely he would give me a Government job. But then, when he became Prime Minister, he said that he had nothing personal against me and he asked me to be a special envoy to him in certain roles. I wrote to him about what such a role might entail and got no response. So, after about six weeks, I said 'no'. I told him my natural role was as a minister and not as his envoy.

I was talking about a role in government, and that remains the case. He's perfectly entitled to say there isn't a role for me, which I respect completely.

Someone has to bring the subject up. We are conveying a sense of drift and uncertainty. Only Gordon can change this - if he is capable of doing so. Unfortunately, he hasn't the confidence of the country because of the things he has done.

I felt after party conference – in fact almost during it – that Gordon played an absolutely
outstanding role in terms of the economic situation we faced.

Those in Labour trying to undermine Blair were disloyal and unacceptable. Gordon should have stopped it. When I raised this, he claimed that he couldn't. Yes, it would have been better for Gordon as a person to have had to fight a serious contest.

I doubt if I'd have got the nominations to run if there had been a vacancy, and my guess is that's still the case. But that wasn't my point. We needed the best set of circumstances to maximise our performance in the next election, and that was why I was raising the debates.

He is a man who has to control. In a Prime Minister, this is not a good thing. I remember the picture of a batty Margaret Thatcher walking in St James's Park, picking up litter because she
was on her litter crusade. She wanted the image to show that she personally could sort out all the litter in the country. But you can't. Gordon still feels he has to do everything. It's in his personal
history.

I'd said so many things which were [unfortunate]. I criticise myself for it. I used language unwisely. I was too sharp in the words I used about Gordon. People felt, and I do understand why, that style wasn't appropriate. I've always seen myself as a more inclusive politician than that. I defined myself as sharper and more personal, and I do regret that.

Sadly, as far as I have learned, his relationship with the Treasury has not improved at all. The
senior Civil Service, as a whole, is very pessimistic about the way he is running the country. This is something else he must address.

The art of politics is about fast reactions. When something comes along, you have to respond very quickly or it runs away from you. You saw it with David Cameron over MPs' expenses when he was out, very fast, dealing with the situation. Gordon must stop being a ditherer. He lacks courage. He looks at his papers, dithers and isn't sure.

I'm absolutely sincere that the way Gordon handled the economy last October and November was exemplary.

There is a very big problem in Gordon's mind. He is always thinking about Tony Blair. It's a
strange, tormented thing. He is tormented by the idea of Blair. It's almost a love-hate thing.
He wants to be anti-Blair, rather than post-Blair. He wants to revisit things that Blair did, like casinos and cannabis.

It's hard for anyone to change, especially at 56. This is the one million dollar question.
The answer is: he has to change.

Not a particular phrase, no; but I felt my language was intemperate.

Gordon can only make the Cabinet seem heavyweight by changing the people he puts in it.

It's good that people like Peter Mandelson and Alan Milburn are working with him. I can't say much more. That question is not a matter for me. Gordon has to decide if he wants to make anything happen.

I think it most unlikely that Brown will offer me a Cabinet post, whatever I do. As I said, he doesn't like challenge within his government. I would say what I think, which he would hate.

I'd love to do transport, or anything around the environment.

Now, the point is, would anyone take the two faced fat cunt back into the tent? It's not impossible to imagine Gordon doing this, his decision making is crap and he brought Voldemort back, and is said to be thinking of bringing Blind Pew back. However, who on earth would ever be able to trust a thing he said?

The Penguin

Local Jobs For Local Workers! We'll Have No Trouble Here!!

Following the example of our Great And Glorious Leader, Saviour of The World, Lifter Of Bairns (Out Of Poverty!), The Snot Gobbler and Trouser Pisser, Jimmy Gordon McBroon, in declaring a nationalist and protectionist approach to having British Jobs For British Workers, the Hull and Great Gobbling Region set up by John "The Blog" Prescott has decided to take things to the obvious next stage.

Local Jobs For Local Workers!

All local authority and regional quango jobs henceforth will only be advertised locally, and applicants will have to prove their local antecedents to 3 generations. Of course, this would disqualify the fat cunt Prescott, as he's actually a fucking sheep bothering Taff from Prestatyn.

Lord Voldemort is not amused.

The Penguin

February Prick Of The Month - An Early Contender

Epitomising the PC Righteous Stasi Snitch culture, relationship-busting podgy twat Adrian Chiles for getting Carol Thatcher thrown off some dreadful BBC show for comparing a tennis players hair to that of the famous and much loved Robertson's gollywog.

Not live on air, a la Jonathan Woss or Chris Moyles, but in a private conversation.

What a prick.

The Penguin

Which Is Which?

They are as alike as two round green things in a pod of other round green things. Or like fat little porkers at the trough.

One is Marjorie Dawes, the terrifying leader of weight loss support group Fatfighters.

Every week, she mercilessly belittles and humiliates the group for being so, well, fat, while all the time oblivious to her own size, and desperately trying to conceal her compulsive consumption of biscuits, crisps and any other junk she can get her hands on.

The other is reputed to be Labour Health Minister Ann Keen MP - who has raked in £660,000 in taxpayer-funded expenses since 2001. The Brentford and Isleworth MP came under fire last year when she and her MP husband were dubbed 'Mr and Mrs Expenses' after using £175,000 of public money to help buy a flat near Parliament, despite owning a constituency home only nine miles away.

Now she is in the news having been sued by a constituent for being useless and lazy as an MP.

I can't tell them apart, can anyone help?

The Penguin

Amazing New Ceremonial In America!

An amazing new protocol has been established by President Obama as part of the ceremonial swearing in of the new trimvirate Secretaries of State. The entire Clinton family had to wear false painted on beards!

The Penguin

Lest We Forget. The Vermin in Ermine

Let's have a quick recap of the Labour Lord's A Leaping, since they have been temporarily driven out of the main stream media by the British Jobbies For British Workers furore and, of course, the snow bringing the country to a standstill.

In no particular order of demerit:

Lord Truscott. Oily cunt with a lot of dodgy connections to Russia and a large Russian Minder for a Wife. Should be tried as a traitor, let alone prosecuted for corruption and sleaze.

Lord Taylor of Blackburn, disgusting apologist and political greaser for the merchants of death BAE Systems. Best mates with Slippery Weasel Jack Straw. He'd look good on a spike as crow fodder. Living high on the hog from the deaths of our troops and countless others in wars sponsored and brokered by BAE Systems.

Baron Watson of Invergowrie, expelled from Labour in September 2005 following his conviction and imprisonment for fire-raising. He now sits as an "Independent" Labour member of the House of Lords and is an Associate Director of the Edinburgh public affairs and communications company Caledonia Consulting.

Lord Moonie of Bennochy in Fife, the git who laid down his seat in the Commons for his friend Gordon Brown and suddenly and unexpected was rewarded with enoblement. Obviously feels entitled to help himself to a large portion at the trough.

Lord Snape of Wednesbury, a close friend of John Prescott and has a reputation as a former fixer for Tony Blair.

Lord Mackenzie of Framwellgate, raked in more than £600,000 from a firm owned by a Russian oligarch while forgetting to declare it fully. Former policeman, so nothing to see here, move along please, just pigs at the trough as usual.

Lord Ahmed, awaiting sentence for killing a Slovakian because he was driving whilst texting. Shitty Islamic bastard blackmailed the cowardly House of Lords into not showing a film he claims is anti-islamic.

There are doubtless more, please feel free to advise me!

The Penguin

British Jobbies For British Workers

The fallout from The Great Bottler's BNP sound bite continues to cast a toxic legacy. The front runners for post-apocalypse leader of the charred remnants of the ex-Nu-Liebore Project were keeping as low a profile as possible. The Department For Unemployment and Stealing Private Pensions, with Photoshop Purnell in charge, was completely absent from the equation - they'd taken the day off because of the snow. Blinky Balls for one blessed day was not on the TV, and neither of the alien invader Millipedes was seen or heard.

However, there was plenty else to amuse and delight, with Alan Johnson's “We need to bring in fresh directives to make it absolutely clear that people cannot be undercut in this way.” being swiftly slapped down by the recently European Commissar for Bribery Lord Voldemort, who declared ahead of the investigation by ACAS that there was nothing wrong, would never be anything wrong, and could never be anything wrong with contracting out British Jobs to Cheaper Foreigners. The Orange-Hued Crook from Africa was highly suspicious of how the Italian Contractor could under-cut British Contractors when they had to transport, accommodate, and feed their workers if they were being paid rates equivalent to British Workers - and he should know a bit about hiding funding if anyone does.

Sadiq Khan, the Communities Minister, said: “What we cannot have is the perception that foreign companies are abusing the rules of the EU to penalise British workers who have the skills to do the job.”

Gordon was too busy sucking Chinese cock to comment further, but his earlier "explanation" of what he really said as opposed to what everyone heard and saw him say at the 2007 Liebore Conference is available here.

Of course, mixed messages were also coming from the Brothers. Derek Fat Pig Simpson, hoping to get re-elected to the top trough for yet more quality gorging, was desperately trying to be all things to all sides in the face of more forceful comments from some of those trying to get their snouts in and his out. Wonderful!

Gorgon's promise of 500,000 new jobs was looking a bit shaky, his claim to have created 3 million new jobs was shown to be a bit of a fuck up since 2.1 million of them went to foreigners, and even the Olympic Building Site (only £9.6 BILLION over budget, well done Tessa!) has been found to be employing tens of thousand of foreigners. Some of whom are here legally, as recent news on permits has demonstrated, despite McBroon's cretinous claims.

The BNP and UKIP were having a lovely time. If this is kicking off in this weather, what will a long hot Summer bring?

The Penguin

On Your Bikes! (Recycling My Shit)

In a curious echo of Lord Tebbit, Lord Voldemort Of Boys and Hartlepool has infuriated workers unable to get a job in Britain ( in part thanks to NuLiebore's failure to address legislation which disadvantages UK workers according to union officials ) by telling them to get on their bikes and get a nice cushy job in Europe.

"I did it," said Mandy, "There I was, on my very uppers, no one in the UK would touch me with a brass bargepole, so I got on my Brazilian bike and went and found a job in Brussels. Rather nice, as it turned out, lots of foreign travel, good hotels, nice restauarants, and I got to meet some very nice people. With yachts. In fact, I made so much money that I could afford to come back to Britain and buy a peerage."

The Penguin
Originally published at Old Holborn's Vanilla Lounge

The Curse Of Jonah Brown

Well documented at Guido's Place and Old Holborn's Steaming Pile, the Curse of Jonah Brown is without doubt a proven phenomena. The Chinese Premier is in deep shit, without a doubt.

If he wanted confirmation that there is no escape, he can look to the council tax payers of Suffolk, whacked with a £160,000 bill for police overtime to protect Gordon from his many fans and admirers whilst he and his family (never used for photo opportunities!) cavorted near Southwold in August.

Council Tax payers in other UK holiday destinations are praying that the Great Leader chooses a foreign holiday this year. Some are even praying for a plane crash.

The Penguin

P.S. What on earth is he doing with his hands? No normal bloke walks like that! And what's wrong with his trousers?

More Shit From Millipede Junior?

Officials at Ed Millipede's Climate Bollocks Department are working with their counterparts at the Department For Letting Foreign Companies Overcharge Us For Energy on a fully sustainable and environmentally beneficial energy source. Sewage! Apparently, following ground breaking trials in Germany, the technical difficulties of getting turds to burn have been overcome.

"Anyone with an open fire or a wood burner will now have a cheap source of fuel with which to heat their homes", a spokesweasel for Millipede Junior said. "And you can use the processed turds much as you would do charcoal, so barbecues can also benefit".

The only downside is that for reasons which are not yet fully understood, vegetarians' and vegans' shit is just not suitable. It is difficult to light, and does not generate much heat.

Local authorities have been tasked with writing to households to see who has an open fire or a wood burning stove, and grants will be made available to help with the restoration of an open fireplace if the chimney is still in place. They will also be responsible for distributing the free turd converters, which work much like a briquette maker.

Those without a fireplace can apply for a free turd converter, and then sell their shit.

The Penguin

Gordon Rebukes The Striking British Workers

"Of course we recognise that people, British people, are worried about jobs being taken by workers from other countries. And yes, those workers from other countries are foreigners. But the point is that I am working from the moment I wake up in the morning to ensure that hard working British families are protected from the global downturn which started in America and which is all the fault of greedy bankers who until just last week were my best friends.

Going on strike and protesting about foreign workers, well, I say to you that that's not the right thing to do and it's not defensible. What we've set up is a process to deal with the questions that people have been asking about what has happened in this particular instance, and to whitewash any little problems.

When I talked about British Jobs for British Workers, I was not just stealing a policy from the BNP, or trying to get a favourable headline, I was taking about giving people in Britain the skills, so that they have the ability to get jobs which were at present going to people from abroad and actually encouraging people to take up the courses and the education and learning that is necessary for British workers to be far more skilled for the future. This education and training is on top of all my investment in schools and the ever rising and improving examination results, where now every school leaver has 147 GCSE's at A* or better. Luckily I have abolished Boom and Bust so that Britain is uniquely well placed to attract a lot of immigrants keen to get the benefits of living here. And the tax credits as well."

The Penguin

Great News For Alzheimers!

Health Secretary Alan Johnson is to announce a wonderful new initiative to deceive the public. He is going to pretend to set up new "Memory Clinics" in every town across the UK.

Luckily for Alistair Darling, it is just another NuLiebore Headline Grabbing Announcement, which will then never amount to anything and so will cost fuck all. Unless a quango is set up to do nothing much except have lunch, in which case it will cost millions.

Alan, who used to be a postman until after many years of trudging he finally worked out that becoming a union official would save all that hard work and would be a lot better paid, told his lackeys in the Department For Killing Off Pensioners that the Memory Clinics was a brilliant idea.

"The thing is, no one will fucking know that we haven't actually set them up. They'll just think they've forgotten where they are! And by the time they notice, loads of them will already be dead. And you can't rely on the fuckers to turn up and vote, or even to remember who we've paid them to vote for, so no great fucking loss! If anyone complains, I'll just give them the old Karate chop."

The Penguin

Slippery Jack Straw Is Losing His Touch

Slippery Weasel Jack Straw's attempts to shift the focus from corrupt sleazy money grabbing Labour placemen in the House of Lords has already been rumbled. He's losing his touch, or the journalists are regaining their backbones.

Instead of floating nonsense, Jack should try actually doing the job he is overpaid to do. People's confidence and belief in the criminal justice system in this once proud country has never been lower - well, not since Stephen of Blois was almost in charge.

The Penguin

Gordon Seeks Help

"Hello, Peter, Gordon here. I wanted to ask for your advice, and, well, help, if you would be so good."

"Gordon, how lovely to hear your voice. Tell me, what is bothering you this morning?"

"Well, it's those wildcat strikes, Peter. The bloody bastards are holding up placards saying British Jobs for British Workers, which I said at the conference, but of course, I didn't mean it like that!"

"What did you mean by it?"

"I meant to grab a headline, of course, and wrong foot the fucking Tory bastards so they couldn't bang on about all the immigrants getting all the jobs!"

"I see. Well, Gordon, you'll just have to explain that what you actually meant to say was that you were in favour of British Workers - or even British Non-Workers - getting a means tested grant to go for diversity training to skill them up ready to compete in the pan-European employment market place where they are up against highly trained and well educated Slovakians who are prepared to work 16 hours a day for slightly under the Job Seekers Allowance. Try to avoid mentioning that there are no jobs available in the UK for lazy ill educated salad dodgers. Keep off the subject of immigration if at all possible, and see if you can blame it on either the do-nothing Conservative Party or Global Made In America Credit Crunch. Oh, and Gordon?"

"Yes, Peter?"

"I want to have the Department for Climate Change included in my portfolio. I don't think little Millipede is fit to be let out without a minder."

"Very well, Peter, I'll sort that out for you on Monday"

One Can But Hope

Gordon McBroon, Saviour Of The Bankers, Son Of The Manse, Holder of The Moral Compass, has compared himself to Titian. Apparently the great Venetian artist declared that at 90 he was beginning to learn how to paint. And that is where The Unelected Leader thinks he is at with the Global Financial Blip (started in America).

Let's hope that the comparison holds true, as Titian died of the plague a year later.

A second thing we could hope for would be a nice cup of polonium tea or a Bulgarian Brolly Job for Lord Truscott, whose exposure over trying to bunce a few more quid has put the spotlight onto his links with the Kremlin.

The Penguin

Lord Voldemort Is Thinning Out The Undergrowth

Lord Voldemort of Boys and Hartlepool has begun the task of getting rid of any potential rivals for the overdue replacement of the mad Prime Mentalist.

You have to wonder who else it might have been who could have had a quiet word or two to Millipede Senior before his disastrous tour of the sub-continent, where just by chance the Dark Lord of Misrule would shortly be following along to put things right. Two jobs with but one stone dropped into the water, Millipede diminished yet further, and Voldemort enhanced.

Now we have reports about private meetings between The Great Saviour Of The World and Derek "Fat Pig" Simpson, £200,000 a year boss of trade union Unite, (most members on below average earnings), and McBroon's decision to pass the shitty parcel to Millipede Junior. Millipede Junior noticed it stank, so he shuffled it to a underling, who hid it in a cupboard. I wonder who has leaked this to the newspapers? Bottler Brown given a figleaf over the industrial unrest, and another potential contender smeared.

I suppose with all this to do, it is not surprising that Mandy has not found time to resume our little discussion at Dolly Dripper's wankfest.

The Penguin

This Would Not Happen To A Muslim!

A nurse has been suspended and is facing further disciplinary action for the heinous crime of offering to pray for an elderly patient, who appparently was not offended but was worried that someone else might have been offended.

Guess what? The nurse is not a Muslim.

The Penguin