And So It Begins....

Oh, Where Are The Real IRA When You Need Them?

The Prime Mentalist, flanked by his Cabinet of All The Talentless, said in Downing Street: 'It will come as no surprise to all of you - and it is probably the least well-kept secret of recent years apart from my being a cowardly Jonah- but the Queen has kindly insisted on the dissolution of the disgustingly corrupt Parliament and a General Election will take place on May 6.

'I come from a rabid puritanical upper middle-class family of God-botherers in a grim Scottish town and I know where I come from and I will never forget the values - doing the right thing, doing your duty, taking responsibility, working hard - that my parents instilled in me. But I will continue to ignore these, and follow my own snot-encrusted and disturbed tendencies.'

He went on: 'I'm asking you, the British people, for a clear and straightforward mandate to continue the urgent and hard work of doing away with boom and bust, selling off the gold bullion, wrecking the pensions, starving the military of necessary funding, saving the World, and creating five million skilled jobs for immigrants over the next five years.'

The Penguin