Merry Christmas, Foreign Secretary!

"Anyone fancy my banana?"

A recent report from Human Resources consultancy-Couraud said the Foreign Office was sinking into 'stagnation and decay' because of political correctness.

Devotion to gender and race equality, together with inertia and weak leadership are crushing the spirit of those working there, it said.

Fish Rot From The Head - and in charge at the FCO we have that gurning banana-wielding prat with the slightly alien ears and the silly hair cut, David "The Novice" Millipede, a nonce so inept he can't be bothered to send out Christmas cards, prefering to mark Ramadan instead.

So no real surprises there.

The Penguin