Blinky Versus Voldemort - Should Be Fun!

They were sworn enemies who kissed and made up for Jonah. Both tried to run their own inner cabinet within Number 10 Downing Strasse, much to the angst and annoyance of the other.

There is no meeting of minds, and no trust between them as they fight for "Gordon's Ear".

Now Blinky is said to be furious that his promised promotion to Chancellor has been stymied, while Voldemort gains more power and influence he languishes as Schools Secretary where he has already made numerous catastrophic gaffes. He fears his star wanes while Voldemort's shines ever brighter in Jonah's parallel universe.

This should be worth a few tubs of popcorn over the next few weeks and months of McBroon's demise, followed by years of acid recriminations.

The Penguin

Watch The Smear Machine In Operation.

Gordon Brown, our most unpleasant unelected Prime Mentalist has always had to rely on blackmail and smear to achieve his political ends, as he is rather short on genuine charm, warmth of character and courage.

So the Damien McBride scandal.

But the Smear Machine is not just one person, and it relies on a sycophantic bunch of third rate journalists willing to add the Brown poison to their pieces.

So you can be sure of a whole raft of half-stories and character assassinating snippets to be hitting the main stream media about those who have dared to cross the Great Unelected Cunt.

Already we have "biscuits Flint" being unpopular in the FCO, and questions being asked about James Purnell's expenses and over-rapid promotion.

There will be plenty more, Gordon is nothing if not vindictive and petty.

The Penguin

Gordon The Flipping Expenses Fiddler Found Out!

Well, well. Poor old Pa McBroon must be spinning in his grave like a fucking whirligig. All his values, particularly honesty and integrity, which Jonah claims to live by, are in fact trampled underfoot by the Son Of The Manse.

Not only does this blatant liar try and cloak his mendacity behind protestations of "Candid" and hide behind his broken "Moral Compass", he criticises his colleagues for flipping the designation of their second home in order to maximise what they can claim, and excoriates those such as Darling and Hoon who have made "mistakes" over what they claimed and effectively claimed for two homes at once.

Completely unnaceptable, he declares - although too weak despite his spin operation to fire or move the naughty Badger! - and yet what is in today's Telegraph?

Brown guilty not only of flipping, but of double charging!

No political authority any more, and no moral authority either. Discredited and disgraced, he should just fuck off and write more rubbish books.

The Penguin

Blatant Brownies From "Candid" Brown!

Fraser Nelson puts the lying toerag on the spot, and surprise surprise, the Moral Compass seems to point to Bare Faced Fucking Liar.

Note how the cunt's body language gives him away, ducking and diving in his "Dance of the Comedian" style.

The Penguin

New Cabinet Ministers Take Tea.

"Here, Reggie, what should we do about the plotters?"

"Break their fucking legs, Ronnie, it's all that scum like that understand!"

The Penguin

Caption Contest

Best Thing Caroline Flint Has Ever Done

Brilliantly timed to fuck up his press conference, this is her resignation letter.

Dear Gordon

I believe the achievements of the Labour Government to date have been monumental and you have played an immense part in the creation of those achievements.

However, I am extremely disappointed at your failure to have an inclusive Government.

You have a two tier Government. Your inner circle and then the remainder of Cabinet.

I have the greatest respect for the women who have served as full members of Cabinet and for those who attend as and when required. However, few are allowed into your inner circle. Several of the women attending Cabinet – myself included – have been treated by you as little more than female window dressing. I am not willing to attend Cabinet in a peripheral capacity any longer.

In my current role, you advised that I would attend Cabinet when Europe was on the agenda. I have only been invited once since October and not to a single political Cabinet - not even the one held a few weeks before the European elections.

Having worked hard during this campaign, I would not have been party to any plan to undermine you or the Labour Party in the run up to 4 June. So I was extremely angry and disappointed to see newspapers briefed with invented stories of my involvement in a “Pugin Room plot.”

Time and time again I have stepped before the cameras to sincerely defend your reputation in the interests of the Labour Party and the Government as a whole. I am a natural party loyalist. Yet you have strained every sinew of that loyalty.

It has been apparent for some time that you do not see me playing a more influential role in the Government. Therefore, I have respectfully declined your offer to continue in the Government as Minister for attending Cabinet.

I served six years as a backbencher and, therefore, I am not unhappy to be able to devote myself to promoting my constituency’s interests and to support the Labour Government from the backbenches.

This is a personal decision, which I have not discussed with colleagues.

Yours

Rt Hon Caroline Flint MP.

Can't blame the bitch for trying to get a bit further up the greasy pole, and this does give both barrels to Jonah.

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

Peter Hain.

Orange Cunt.

The Penguin

Arise, Lord Sugar Of Tottenham

"Round the back, if you don't mind, Lord Sugar!"

This letter appeared in the FT on 19 March 1992, after Brown appeared to accuse City bosses of feeding off the recession:

Sir,

I have noted with disgust the comments of a certain Mr Gordon Brown who has accused me of doing well out of the recession after reading the letter published in The Times from 40 top industrialists.

I do not know who Mr Gordon Brown is. Excuse my ignorance, but I don't. Whoever he is (shadow trade and industry secretary), he has not done his homework properly. The man doesn't know what he's talking about. How he has the audacity to say that Amstrad, or Alan Sugar, has flourished in recession is a complete mystery to me.

Amstrad made its first loss ever this year. It is not a secret that our share price has tumbled to about one-seventh of what it was. The value of my shares has collapsed from Pounds 500m to Pounds 100m more or less overnight. The salary I have been taking in the company is pretty meagre - about Pounds 170,000. It's nowhere near the million-pound bracket. So this talk that I have prospered in the midst of recession is total nonsense.

I personally have made a lot of money in my time, despite coming from a working class background in the East End. The money hasn't been handed down from family to family or by the old boys' act. I was able to start from scratch.

When taxation was 98p in the pound under the last Labour government I would have been spending my time doing what I am doing now - creating wealth and producing employment. I would have been better off going to Bermuda, the Virgin Islands or Timbuktu.

But I don't want to go to Bermuda to avoid tax and lie on the beach. I don't like paying tax, but I agree that the 40 per cent I pay at the moment is reasonable and fair when you balance the fact that the country has got to run itself somehow, and I like living in England.

So that's why I'm here. That's why I'm still spearheading my company and that's why I'm still employing people, innovating and surviving in a very difficult market.

Our letter to The Times talked of the importance of the enterprise culture for the future prosperity of Britain. The thing that frightens me the most about a Labour government is that it suppresses enterprise.

For instance, Labour's talk about investment is a bit of a joke. The capital allowances for machinery, plant and equipment it urges are not going to encourage people to rush out tomorrow and start equipping a factory or making products.

If you've got good design and innovative products you don't need any help, thank you very much indeed. You get on and make it. Amstrad is a classic example. We built our own factories in Shoeburyness in Essex without a penny grant on an 11-acre site. From there, in 1980, we fought off the Japanese to turn ourselves into the market leader in audio equipment. I didn't need help from anybody at that stage because we had invented good merchandise and good products.

The same goes for satellite dishes today. We rule the satellite dish market in this country and half of Europe and the dishes are made in Birmingham. I didn't need any investment or any help to do it. All I needed was the government to keep out of the way. More than 1m dishes have been sold to date in this country alone. When we placed the orders in the factory the satellite hadn't even been launched. It's that sort of entrepreneurial spirit the Conservatives believe in and Labour doesn't understand.

The reason Labour flourished many years ago was the 'them and us' situation that prevailed in England. There were the rich and there were the poor. At that stage maybe I would have sympathised with the need for a Labour government.

But that's all been changed now. Look around. Yes, there are the very poor and more should be done for them. But almost everybody's got a microwave oven, a car and a colour television - maybe more than one colour television in their homes. Let's be honest with each other. 'Them and us' doesn't exist any more, as I have demonstrated.

I have been able to come from the working class, achieve what I set out to achieve and not be suppressed by anybody. Likewise, in the stock market today there are bright young men with a Cockney accent doing deals and buying and selling shares. It's not just the Heskett-Smythes mob that are doing it. Anybody can do it.

The government has made mistakes; nobody's perfect. To be sure, somebody took his eye off the ball. Now the belt has been tightened and there have been casualties. But it is not just the poor unemployed factory worker from the Midlands who is being thrown out of work. So are the merchant bankers, the stockbrokers and the estate agents.

Labour offers no sort of route out of recession. It's out of date and - as Brown's remark shows - it hasn't done its homework.

Alan Sugar,
Chairman,
Amstrad,
Brentwood House,
165 King's Road,
Brentwood,
Essex

From The Coffee House.

Well, well.

The Penguin

Alas, Grasshopper, A Wank Too Far!

"Grasshopper, I suggest you stop when you've gone blind!"

I loved the "Kung Fu" series.
What a shame that actor David Carradine should die in such an undignified way, literally wanking himself to death in a cupboard in a hotel in Thailand. Aged fucking 70!

And most ironically of all, he was there to work on a film called "Stretch" FFS.

I suggest the producers send for Richard Timney, he's got a lot of tugging experience and is looking for work.

The Penguin

The Jonah Effect Hits The D-Day Commemorations!

He really is a complete Jonah, King Midas in reverse, as all he touches turns to shit.

His photo-opportunity with Obama, for which he has offended the Queen and all the veterans, is going to be ruined by striking French power workers who blame him for the recession.

You couldn't make it up.

The Penguin

Two Shags Gets The Retaliation In Early

"Anyone got anything to eat, I'm fucking starving!"

Who's to blame for the electoral misfortunes of NuLiebore?

John "Two Shags And Then Two Fingers Down My Throat" Prescott is convinced it's nowt to do with Jonah, or the expenses scandal.

No, it's the deputy leader, a campaign co-ordinator, ministers responsible for Europe and local government. Harriet, Ed, Flint and Chipmunk.

He even wrote to Harriet to ask what they were supposed to campaign about, and Harriet's reply was:

"Dear John,
We've no money to run a campaign because some fat cunt spent it all on Pies. Your loving Harriet."

The Penguin

The Fuhrer Is Dead, Long Live The New Fuhrer!

Class!

The Penguin

Such Weasel Words Of Support!

"Some dirty cunt's shat themselves, I'm fucking off out of here!"

Following Jimmy "Sideburns" Purnell's resignation from the Cabinet, there is a whole raft of cock-suckers proclaiming support for Jonah.

I can't be arsed replicating it, or even taking the piss, but it's summarised here.

What might be intersting for some geek to do would be to correlate this support with the majorities those cabinet ministers enjoy. Are they supporting Gordon because they don't fancy an early bath at the General Election that would be a few months sooners if they get shot of the cunt?

Or is it that none of them fancy the poisoned chalice, because they think it's going to be electoral wipe-out whoever is nominally in charge of the stinking sinking ship?

The Penguin

They Lied, What A Surprise!

The "consultation" over Post Office closures was a complete sham. Official. And it has saved only a tiny fraction of the supposed benefits of the closures.

How fucking surprising. This after they take away a lot of the natural normal business of the Post Office, like paying out pensions or handing out TV licences.

NuLiebore, doing what it can to fuck up the community.

The Penguin

How The Penguin Voted

Local Elections - English Democrats

European Elections - Jury Team

Possibly a waste of votes, but I am sick to the beak with the "usual suspects".

The Penguin

Jack The Weasel Straw Being Sued Over Murders

"I take full responsibility, the full salary, and all the perks I can swallow!"

About time, and bloody typical it's foreigners showing us how it should be done.

Say what you will about the French, they may have politicians just as cowardly and crass as ours, but they take to the streets or go to their lawyers to protect their interests a fucking sight quicker than we do.

I hope (despite the fact that any costs involved are paid by the taxpayer) they fucking skin the cunt. As well as holding him up to day after day of public ridicule in court.

The Penguin

Cassette Boy Shafts Jonah

Excellent!!

The Penguin

Fuck Me, Word Gets Round Quick!

Seems this mouse was following the Chipmunk's example.....

The Penguin

It's Not Only In Italy!

"I May Have Blood On My Hands, But Resign? That's The Last Thing I'll Do!"

You might think that the stupidity of sending a top Mafia boss home to await trial rather than keeping him in prison or a secure hospital could only happen in Italy.

Wrong. Similar stupidity happens all too often here, often leading to tragedy.

However, no one important resigns, certainly not the smug hand-wringing cunt Jack Slippery Weasel Straw.

Mr Straw admitted that Sonnex 'could and should' have been in custody at the time he committed the horrific murders.

He said: "In relation to the failings of the probation service, I take full responsibility as Secretary of State. They were unacceptable and had tragic consequences. But I won't be resigning, because I am a complete cunt."

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

Ed Balls.

Blinking Cunt.

The Penguin

Clowns To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right...

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.

Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
And I'm wondering what it is I should do,
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place,
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....

Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I can see that it makes no sense at all,
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor,
'Cause I don't think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you,
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
Stuck in the middle with you.

Stealers Wheel. Gerry Rafferty and Joe Egan.

The Penguin

Light The Fuse, Retire To A Safe Distance, Await Explosion

The idiots don't really get it do they?

For all I dislike the nasty little ginger dwarf, she has guts and balls that are completely absent in most of her (erstwhile) male colleagues in the cabinet. She didn't stab Gordon in the back, she stuck the fucking knife in his chest whilst giving him a bollocking.

And yet still they spin and brief against her. Even those who, like Voldemort, should know better.

Do they not think that there will be some form of consequence to continuing to try to blacken Hazel's reputation in order to try and lessen the impact of her resignation and the extraordinarily blunt letter that went with it? (No soft soap about being a privilege to serve the Great Snot Gobbler, etc.)

Have they forgotten the impact of Geoffrey Howe's resignation speech in the House of Commons? And he was a fucking dead sheep compared to the perky chipmunk, and Thatcher a much stronger PM than the Prime Mentalist is.

Or, are they deliberately goading her?

The Penguin

The Great Gordon, Worst Prime Mincer Ever

James Gordon Brown, the "Right Honourable" member for some ghastly Scotchland dump, unelected leader of the NuLiebour Party, Prime Mentalist through political thuggery, whose reputation for being a brilliant Chancellor is now in tatters for all to see and sneer at, is a student of History as well as the author of books on ( other people's!!) courage.

He seems to be incapable of actually listening to criticism, or of considering anyone else's point of view, but in the dark hours before the dawn do you suppose that he realises the actuality of his situation, and how he will be recorded in the history books?

I don't know how to do one of those "Downfall " videos, but surely some bright bugger could do one concerning the sad loss of his loyal lieutentants recently?

The Penguin

Dance of the (Almost Extinct) Comedian

How we'll miss him! (NOT!!)

The Penguin

Video by Crown Blogspot