Over The Moon - Shame Peter's Under The Ground!

Smirking Sharon Shoesmith and her stony-faced legal team are hoping to shaft the poor old tax-payer for loadsa dosh as compensation for the ill-advised and peremptory way in which that stupid twat Blinky Balls sacked her as some sort of macho exercise in populist soundbites.

While you are claiming to be "Over The Moon", you hard-hearted bitch, you might care to remember that poor little Peter Connelly is under the ground, and probably better off there that under your tender fucking care.

I hope you get bowel cancer.

The Penguin

Barry O'Bamah Returns Home In Triumph

Bejasus, aincha just so proud to be Oirish as long lost waif Barry O'Bamah comes home to little Moneygall, County Offaly?

Next on his "keeping away from the troubles at home" world tour is China. He's working on finding the family connection, bound to be one if he looks hard enough.

The Penguin

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Prostitute.

Well I never, what a surprise. Teflon Tony and Bad Al's pet poodle spy-master prostitute has landed a nice little earner with an oil company with considerable interests in carving up oilfields in Iraq.

Well done, Sir John Scarlett.

You unspeakable cunt.

The Penguin

Once A Hoon, Always A Hoon

 "£3,000 a day is just the start for Hoon work..."

Just as "Buff" Huhne is being crucified in the Media and abandoned by his colleagues, up pops "Buff" Hoon to add to the gaiety of the nation.

Lucky old "Buff" Hoon has wangled himself a highly paid position at defence contractor Augusta Westland, who were the incredibly lucky ONLY bidder for a lucrative contract to supply the Army with a new helicopter. There was talk at the time over how fishy this smelt, since there were cheaper alternatives that could have been delivered earlier, and the poor old foot soldiers were dying because of a lack of helicopters. It got even smellier when the MoD’s then permanent secretary Sir Kevin Tebbit joined AgustaWestland’s Italian parent, Finmeccanica, just over a year after the deal was agreed. Of course, Italy and corruption, how could anyone suspect such a thing in the land of Berlusconi?


Why on earth would any reputable company want to employ such a disgraced wanker as "Buff" Hoon unless they needed a toilet cleaner?

The Penguin

A Question Of Judgement

How on earth can anyone possibly have any faith in Chris Huhne as a Cabinet Minister making important decisions which are likely to affect all of us?

After all, he has swapped a Brains ringer from Thunderbirds for a Desperate Dan look-a-like and thinks that this represents progress.

The Penguin

Reputation Completely Intact

Ex-over-promoted dodgy race-card playing plod Ali Dizaei, a fine example of the Met's Alice-in-Wonderland human resources management, gets a re-trial after it turns out that his victim is also a dodgy character.

Such a shame he won't be able to call on the services of his old mucker.

However, the repellent Dizaei is correct - I still think he's a cunt.

The Penguin

Error Of Judgement?

In 2008 Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of the IMF, admitted that he had an affair with a senior IMF official. He said he had made an “error of judgment”.

Now it seems the randy old goat has made another one.

Still, when he gets out of jail I'm sure the voters in France won't hold it against him.

The Penguin

Another Principled Socialist

"Up The Workers!"

Anyone remember that firebrand of socialism, Arthur Scargill? Always banging on about unfairness and privilege, castigating the rich and the feather-bedded bosses...

It has been observed that when Arthur took the top job at the NUM he had a huge union and a tiny house, but by the time he retired he had a tiny union and a huge house - but it seems it was even better that that.

He'd also managed to wangle a rent-free flat in the exclusive Barbican "for life" paid for by his now emaciated union, who currently can't afford to have a president.

Naturally, the highly principled Arthur Scargill wants to stand by the amazingly generous clause in his contract of employment, amended a few months before he retired. Never mind that it is costing those few left in the NUM about £20 each per year for his ongoing perk.

The Penguin

One Laws For Them

A Thief

Mr Laws has been found guilty of theft over six breaches of the rules in relation to his expense claims. Mr Laws, 45, was Chief Secretary to the Treasury for 17 days last May. He resigned after The Daily Telegraph reported that he had stolen more than £40,000 to pay to James Lundie, his rent-boy, despite MPs having been banned from paying rent to family members or partners since 2006.

It was also disclosed that he stole hundreds of pounds a month to cover bills for utilities and maintenance. In total, Mr Laws stole more than £100,000, despite providing virtually no documentary evidence in support of the claims.

After new rules were introduced demanding that MPs produce bills or receipts to back up such claims, Mr Laws’s claims dropped sharply. An initial inadequate investigation by police is understood to have been dropped and passed to John "Dr Dolittle" Lyon, the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner.

Mr Bold As A Lyon has spent almost a year trying to avoid examining the claims and is understood to have eventually concluded that Mr Laws stole lots of tax-payer's money.

Yesterday, a committee of MPs met to discuss how best they could let their thieving colleague off without any real punishment.

Mr Thieving Laws is an extremely well-off former banker.

Doubtless he'll soon return to the cabinet to rejoin the other criminals.

The Penguin

What's In A Name?

Doesn't seem to matter how you spell it, Hoon or Huhne, the result is the same. A complete cunt.

The Penguin

Time To Send An E-mail!!!

There seems to be a little local difficulty with some "travellers" down in Devon.

And what are the officials doing to assist the poor land owner get rid of the unwanted guests?


Nothing?

No, even worse that that - plod threatens him should he take direct action against them, and the Dartmoor National Park Authority have threatened him with a £20,000 fine if he doesn't get them off his land.

The gentleman in charge of the Planning and Sustainable Development Working Panel of this wonderful quango is Doctor Ian Mortimer.

You can contact him at ian.mortimer@dartmoor-npa.gov.uk
or
Home Address:43 Ford Street
Moretonhampstead
Newton Abbot
Devon
TQ13 8LN
Telephone: 01647 440153


I'm sure he'll be glad to hear what normal people think of his department's actions.

Cornwall & Devon Police Authority can be contacted here PolAuth@devonandcornwall.pnn.police.uk 

They might be interested in how impressed we all are at their performance on behalf of the council tax paying "settled" community.

The Penguin

Hillary Admits It Was South Park

"And then when we got to the bit where it's like "They've Killed Osama!" we all cheered and clapped..."

The Penguin

Bring On The Seals!

You can easily understand why the Chief Handwringer of the Church of Englandshire is a tad concerned over the topping of Osama Bin Liner.

I mean, just look at the resemblance! Stick a turban on the Archbish, and stand well clear!

The Penguin

Sack The Useless Hag

You just know things have gone too far when some unknown politician from Belgium, a completely artificial country without a functioning government, goes public in criticising the most ludicrously over-paid "High Representative", the hideous and never-elected Baroness Ashton.

Get rid, quickly. Or better still, leave the EUSSR.

The Penguin

Let Them Eat Of The Prawns Of The Sea

Gone But Not Entirely!

Can't see what all the muslims are getting fussed over!

Dumping Osama into the briny Arabian Sea should be perfect for them. No costly shrine to build, maintain, secure, adminster - instead they can all share in the prawn curry.

The Penguin

Shame The Dean Didn't Tell Him To Fuck Off

It seems that the Dean of Westminster Abbey takes Christian forgiveness seriously.

Otherwise he might have told the Squeaker and The Slapper to fuck off to Hackney.

The Penguin

The Police Farce

Different Rules Apply?


Nothing to see here, just move along...

Problem with pikeys

Racial abuse

Front line policing

The Penguin

Knackered Of The Yard

Covering himself in yet more glory, Deputy Commissar John "Knackered" Yates admits that under his stewardship the whitewash over the Screws phone-hacking only warned a paltry 36 people that they may have been targets, despite his many assurances to Parliamentary Select Committees of the Met's diligence and thoroughness.


The new broom put in charge has contacted some 4,000 people.

Still, this is the copper who failed to find any evidence of loans for peerages and who seems to spend a lot of his time in swanky restaurants with senior executives from News International.

The Penguin

Gagging Order's The Right Name!

"Alice Miles has been a columnist at The Times since 1999.

After graduating from Southampton University she joined the Mail on Sunday as a trainee. Since then she has qualified as a barrister, been a political reporter for the Evening Standard and chief leader writer for the Express.

Alice lives in London and has a young daughter."

"Marr lives in East Sheen, London, with his wife, the political journalist Jackie Ashley of The Guardian, whom he married in August 1987 in Surrey. She is a daughter of the Labour life peer Lord Ashley of Stoke. The couple have a son and two daughters. "

I think I'd be inclined to gag if I had to shag that.

Mind you, if the child is not old Jug Ear's, then who was he sharing little Alice with? Or perhaps he was just a team player?

I wonder if he's asked for all those maintenance payments to be returned?

The Penguin

Very Wise

There is now the faintest possibility of a long and happy marriage for Prince William and Kate Middleclass.

They have excluded Jonah from the guest list.

The Penguin

Paranoid Numpty Of The Year

Step forward black headmistress Shirley Patterson, who somehow managed not only to take personal offence at a poster promoting a parent's meeting and stir up a council witch-hunt costing fuck knows how much, but has set back the cause of promoting black teachers by decades.

How on earth can the stupid woman think that a depiction of Charles Darwin, a victorian gentleman in a frock coat with a huge bushy white beard is supposed to be representing her, a frumpy lumpen middle-aged black woman with dodgy "designer" spectacles? And be so upset as to claim she felt intimidated and threatened?

At least the police declined to take her seriously, thank fuck for small mercies.

The Penguin

Pathologist For Sale, Slightly Soiled

For Sale, or Hire, to the highest bidder, all offers considered, one dodgy pathologist with considerable track record, able to reach any conclusion that might be required to assist his client's best interests. Prepared to destroy evidence, change reports, lie under oath. Glowing references available from the Metropolitan Police.


Hopes to regain his accreditation in due course.

The Penguin

A Cautionary Tale

If any of you have not yet read it, there's a cautionary tale over at the Raccoon Arms.

The Penguin

Save Some Money

Liam Fox could save a good few quid with bugger-all downside by sacking the top echelons of the brylcreem brigade. Especially any one involved in the cluster-fuck "Typhoon Project" which has been such an inspiring example of mis-management it'll probably be in textbooks.

Not only behind project and vastly over-budget, the fuckwits didn't even know what they wanted the aeroplane to do. They spend massive amounts not in the original spec to equip it for air-to-ground attack in 2004, but then didn't bother training the pilots.


On March 9th Air Vice Marshal Stephen Hillier told the Public Accounts Committee thatthe RAF saw no reason to spend money giving Typhoon pilots “skills that we do not expect to deploy in operations”. 

On March 19th  the RAF deployed Typhoons to the Libya "engagement" and hastily rigged up one to bomb a tank the day before the PAC report came out.

Biggles is spinning in his grave.

The Penguin

Please, God, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is rumoured that Jonah McDoom wants to be the next managing directgor of the IMF.

Never mind the fact that he is supremely under-qualified for the post, or that his track record of fucking up financial regulation in the UK, flogging our gold at rock-bottom price, running the economy into the worse bust in history, picking his nose on camera, throwing tantrums, telling lies, and generally being a cunt - what about the Curse Of Jonah?

Within months, the IMF would be dead in the water...

The Penguin