Traditional Christmas Address

At this time of year it has become traditional for one to address one's nation, and the wider audience of our Commonwealth of Nations (except Rhodesia, where one is afraid that the indigenous population have made a right mess of things since getting the vote.)

We are pleased that this has been a good year so far as the Family are concerned, with only a few scandals involving misuse of helicopters, but thankfully no unwanted bastards with ginger hair and big noses further diluting any trace of the Royal Blood. Even if they do have a gift for Polo. And one's husband has managed to avoid any diplomatic incidents, mainly through keeping his mouth shut. And of course, it is such a relief not to have to worry about mama's incontinence any more, and the extra jewellery is always welcome.

We are rather more concerned about the governance of our country. It seems extraordinary that in what is supposed to be a democracy things are in the grubby little hands of that Scottish fellow with the chewed nails and the strange movements of the jaw. We can barely make out one word in three, and it seems that only a few deluded folk on benefits in Fife actually voted for him, and then not as national leader but as constituency MP, merely responsible for closing local hospitals and the like. I am hoping that when the Army is allowed to come home we might be able to persuade some of the chaps to do the right thing, but can't say too much yet.

We are given to understand that despite the promises of no more boom and bust we are in fact very bust indeed and facing a depression. Personally I can hardly afford the upkeep of my palaces and castles, and I am thinking of renting out most of Buckingham Palace as tourist Bed and Breakfast accommodation. Most of the rooms are cold and draughty, but the location is quite good, and there is even plenty of parking.

One final message, and this is more for the newly arrived chaps from Eastern Europe - stop eating my swans, or you'll find yourself hunted down and beheaded. One does still have some rights!

Brenda Regina