Sunday, 28 December 2008

Slippery Jack Gets Tough On Knife Crime


Slippery Jack Straw has declared war on Knife Crime, after presiding over a record number of stabbings and murders as Minister of Justice in 2008.

Now his master plan is announced to fanfares of trumpets in the Screws of the World.

Here are the basic points:
1) Anyone caught carrying a knife will have to write 100 lines "I must not get caught carrying a knife."
2) Anyone convicted of using a knife to attack someone will have the knife confiscated, have to write 200 lines "I must not be convicted of using a knife to stab someone." and will have a curfew imposed on them from 7pm on Saturday evenings. They will also get a grant towards a new hoodie, and tokens exchangeable for cheap cider and cigarettes.
3) Anyone convicted of killing someone with a knife will get a 6 month ASBO, a curfew on both Friday AND Saturday nights, be made to wear an apron when they fry onions, and will be sent on a Safari holiday with their family.
4) Anyone found dead from being stabbed will have to make their own funeral arrangements.

Slippery Jack says he is determined to be tough on crime, and tough on the victims of crime. And of course, he has a lot of nice new pictures to look at.

The Penguin

1 comment:

it's either banned or compulsory said...

"Slippery Jack Straw has declared war on Knife Crime"
Yawn, wot not again.
I can suggest suitable community work for knife carriers, down at the Eboli sanctuary or filling in the holes in Porton Downs pipework, with their fingers.