The Whitehall Farce

You just couldn't make it up. The more that emerges into the real world, the more incredible it becomes.

The government are embarrassed by a series of leaks over Home Office imcompetence and cover-ups. Gordon McCavity McBroon throws a Nokia at Jacqui Spliff, and his chief of staff at the Cabinet Office and the head honcho at the Home Office decide that they are too fucking incompetent to find the leaker themselves and call in Knacker of the Yard. Now, some might say alarm bells should have started ringing at this point. After all, the Met is riven with it's own soap opera of incompetence and cover-up, with the political lightweight Sir (what a joke that is) Ian Bliar forced out by Boris and the infighting to be appointed next Commissar just about drowning out the stench of sundry aggrieved ethnic officers going tribunal mainly with a corrupt solicitor who has a criminal record of his very own and a law qualification bought mail-order from a Post Office Box in Hawaii.

However, Knacker of the Yard delegates this juicy investigation to Special Branch, now called the Anti Terroist Command. Nice macho title, that. And they don't have too much difficulty finding the culprit, after all, he stood as a conservative for election to some council or other, kind of points him out as a likely prospect. Then, after a nice long delay, and sundry touching base with the Serjeant at Arms and the Speaker's Orifice, but carefully not informing the Home Secretary who has responsibility for police matters in the UK, Knacker unleashes 22 or so anti terrorist police to raid 4 locations and arrest a Privy Councillor, Shadow Spokesman on Immigration, Damien Green. He is held for 7 hours before being interviewed, when it is suggested to him that he has been "grooming" the civil servant, a nice use of language I don't think. Then after 9 hours he is released without charge.

Protestations by Jacqui and by spokesweasels for McBroon about not being informed look extremely fishy and stink like rotting prawns considering that Knacker told Cameron and Boris. But no surprise there.

The Speaker's Orifice tells enquirers that a procedure was followed, but this glosses over the worse abuse of Parliament's independence from the executive and authority to call the executive to account since Charles 1st tried to arrest some irriating MPs. Spliff and McBroon seem
oblivious to this. However, seeing a chance to do Spliff down and raise her own standing with Labour MP's in the hope that the blokes in the white coats will soon be along to take McBroon into "protective custody", Harriet Harpyperson tells of her concern.

Whilst setting up a private Labour Only meeting with the Speaker's rep and the SaA to sort out an alibi. Only being truly inept, they send the e-mail to the conservatives as well.

In the meantime, Knacker of the Yard is surprised at the shit storm that his heavy-handed plods have caused, and is desperate to cover his expensively tailored uniformed arse. So, he calls on a completely independent senior Policeman, Knacker of the Railways Plod, to bail him out and provide an excuse for getting out from under. Completely independent, of course, except they are best mates, probably masons, and shareholders and office holders in a private limited company called ACPO Ltd. So no conflict of interest there, nothing to see, move along now.

Where the fuck is Brian Rix, and will he hurry up and drop his trousers?

The Penguin