Heart Of Darkness (updated!!)

"Silent But Deadly? That'll Be 5 Years Hard Labour!"

Fuck me, the natives are doing a bang up job of running Africa.

I'm especially impressed with the government of Malawi, who are to introduce a law making it illegal to fart.

I do wonder if there will be a sliding scale of punishments? Based on such things as loudness, duration, repetition, noxiousness....

The Penguin


PS This was sent to me by a reader of this blog who is an ex-head teacher...

INTRODUCTION

Farting is of concern to us all. As teachers, we have a responsibility towards pupils and colleagues, to guard against excess flatulence and its resulting hazards to health. Features of modern educational buildings, in particular, fenestration, often mitigate against dispersal of malodorous and, sometimes, explosive mixtures of gases that ensue as a result of flatulence. It is incumbent on any responsible organisation to ensure that working conditions are such that olfactory organs are not put under undue stress. Further, each establishment, under European law enacted in 1999, has a requirement to limit the production of greenhouse, and other harmful gases.

POLICY

In so far as is practicable, the Governors will endeavour to ensure that working conditions, with regard to exudation of gases (miscellaneous) within the establishment and, exceptionally, outside the establishment, are tolerable or, at least, not life threatening.

GUIDELINES

General

On a day to day basis, the Headteacher has the responsibility of ensuring that this policy is implemented.

It is the responsibility of everyone to be vigilant in the detection of flatulatory gases and all staff should be aware of their responsibilities as required by the Sniffing Rota.

Obnoxious odours should immediately be reported to the School Administrator, whose responsibility it is to log the event in the Trumping Book (see Annexe to this policy).

It is the responsibility of the caretaker to ensure that all window poles are in full working order and that an emergency hammer is available in all areas (for the purposes of rendering unconscious the perpetrator, not for breaking glass)

It is the responsibility of the Governors to ensure that, where farting, and its effects, is particularly prevalent, industrial strength extractor fans are installed in working areas.

Where a particular, persistent, perpetrator can be identified, First Community Health staff, and the parents of the malefactor, should be consulted about the fitting of a personal venting apparatus/safety valve. This should be regarded as an extreme measure, involving some surgery, and, therefore, should not be attempted by a member of staff, no matter how tempting the prospect may be.

It is recommended that farters be seated away from other individuals, for example, in the middle of the field, for the dual purpose of taking full advantage of the inverse square law, as applied to flatulatory gases, and to protect bystanders from flying flesh and bone fragments in the event of spontaneous self-ignition.

Staff should not overlook the possibilities for energy conservation that farting brings. Staff must, therefore, wherever practicable, try to collect large volumes of flatulatory gases in plastic bags so that they may be used in the school’s boiler, thereby offsetting the costs of fuel. Of course, those pupils fitted with venting apparatus may, with parents’ permission, be permanently connected, using only an approved CORGI contractor, to the boiler.

Equal Opportunities

This policy will be applied to both male and female persons.

The school has equal responsibility for both farters and fartees.

Should farting be recognised as acceptable in any religion or creed, providing the perpetrator has brought in a note from his/her mum, the effects of it should be embraced as part of the school’s multi-cultural policy.

Assessment

The school has adopted, in full, the fart measurement system developed by Monsieur S B D Méthane, Flatulence Institute, University of Grenoble. Assessment is usually made by fartometer, calibrated in units of the Blowfart Scale:

Blowfart Scale Manifestation

1 inaudible but noticeably present

2 was that, no it can’t be – definitely detectable

3 audible

4 small mammals rendered unconscious

5 toxic (gas mask required for any strength >5)

6 visible

7 will curdle milk

8 very unpleasant (but musical)

9 damaged undergarments

10 small items of furniture moved

11 farter and fartee/s have difficulty standing

12 trees blown over (ear defenders and shovel strongly

recommended if this farce is likely)

Special Educational Needs

All exceptional farting episodes will be reported to the SENCO, using Form SEN/FART/14, whose responsibility is to assess, by sniffing, the scale of the problem and to oversee the writing and implementation of Individual Farting Programmes (IFPs).

Health and Safety

Emergency evacuation procedures, of the school not the farter, must be regularly practised, at least once a term, or more often if brassicas have been on the menu. All staff and children must have easy access to breathing apparatus or, if they have to work in close proximity to certain named individuals (see Confidential Annexe), to Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Protection Suits.

Known farters should, wherever possible, be kept away from sources of ignition. Where this is not possible, they must be tethered.

This policy was approved by the Governors on 1 December 2000 and will be reviewed if the hole in the ozone layer increases in size

ANNEXE

Detail of page from the Trumping Book

Name	Fart Type LOUD	Fart Type SBD	Fart Type TOTAL BLOW OUT	Fart Type TOUCHING CLOTH	Dietary Preference (Probable Cause)	Class Evacuated	School Evacuated	Date