Have They Considered The Consequences?

Poor "Tugger", Facing Unemployment.

What the fuck is going to happen to the economy if the clean up MP's (and Lords) expenses and allowances?

All those poor decorators and moat dredgers and Aga servicers and makers and installers of whirlpool baths and hot tubs, all those cleaners and gardeners, all those forestry specialists, bereft of work.

John Lewis - sales slump. Estate Agents committing suicide as the flipping carousel grinds to a halt. House husbands like Richard "Tugger" Timney unemployed, constituency wives likewise.

The troughers may well have been abusing the system, but it did put a lot of money into the economy. Just a thought!

The Penguin

Brown By Name, Brown By Nature. Like A Turd.

Nick "Uphill Farmer" Brown, NuLiebore Chief Whip has to try and discipline the pigs. Tricky, one might think, when over a 4 year period he claimed £18,800 for food himself.

"I am working flat out for the people I represent and the politics that I believe in. My regular pattern for work is to travel to the constituency on Thursday nights, and spend Friday on constituency business or in my role as minister for the region.

"I meet constituents and attend constituency events on Saturday. I travel back to London [usually by train] on Sunday and am at work Monday morning, right through until the house rises. Given the context, I do not think this is unreasonable, it reflects the real costs incurred."

Brown insisted that it was right for him to claim for food while the Commons was not sitting. "I spend the recess in my second home, working in my constituency."

So, lets work this out. He's in his constituency sty 3 nights a week, plus all the holidays - lets assume that's a third of the year on holiday, 121 days, and 104 weekend days. 225 days a year for 4 years is 900 days. That's £21 a day he claims for food.

No wonder he's a fat cunt.

The Penguin

Hardly A Surprise, But Max Clifford Devastated

Relieved As DNA Tests Clear Him From Any Further Responsibility

As I predicted, the DNA tests prove that 8 year old Alfie is not the father of 15 year old Chantelle's little bastard. It seems the lucky winner is one 14 year old Tyler Barker, whose father Chris Ireland has now had a word with his son about the birds and the bees.

Better late than never.

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

Philip Evans, director of social services at Vale of Glamorgan Council. Refuses to resign.

Shameful Cunt.

The Penguin

I'll Never Ever Forgive The Greedy Cunts For This!

The worst thing of all about the Expense Scandal is that it has prompted (or some cunt has prompted her!) Esther Fucking Rantzen to run for Parliament against the stupid idiot Margaret Moran in Luton South(hampton).

God knows what next! I can see loads of fucking has beens and rent-a-gobshites lining up in fucking white suits like that useless cunt Martin (Alastair Campell made me do it!) Bell.

Just a few moments thought brings the sheer horror of it into hideous focus.

Sir Bob The Gob Geldorf
Germaine Greer
Janet Street-Porter
Piers Gough
Michael Barrymore

Is Simon Dee still alive?

The Penguin

Another Socialist, Another Troughing Cunt

John Austin MP and Sham Socialist Money Grasping Cunt

Seems these left wing socialists are highly principled except when it comes to making sure their own nests have plenty of nice fluffy feathers in them to ensure they are kept cosy and warm despite what may happen to the proles in their Brave New World (post Boom and Bust, which as we all know, has been abolished by Jonah McBroon).

This cunt's standing down at the next election, but has ensured that his gold plated pension has been topped up by a bit of property speculation at the taxpayers' expense before he goes.

Only of course, when you can charge your mortgage interest, furnishings, decoration, maintenance, gardening, and even your legal fees and any stamp duty to the fucking taxpayer, there's very little speculation really, as that implies there might be some degree of risk.

This cunt lives only 11 miles from Parliament, yet needs a second home or two or more to be able to do his job of rubber stamping EU legislation and sucking the whips' cocks. I used to have a 67 mile each way commute, and had to pay my own travelling expenses, as well as my own mortgage interest, food, drink, white goods, kitchen appliances, televisions, DVD's etc.

I hope he dies of bowel cancer within a year, save the taxpayer a few hundred thousand on his pension.

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

Speaker Michael "Taxi" Martin.

Past His Sell By Date Cunt.

The Penguin

This Is For You, Speaker Martin!

And hurry up about it!

The Penguin

I Expect His Experience As A Journalist Helped.

If there's a job where taking the piss out of your expenses is an art form it has to be journalism.

So when a journalist becomes an MP and then a Lord, it must be a tremendous help! No having to be shown the ropes by the senior troughers for them, straight in like a rat down a drain.

So it must have been for Lord Ryder, still at it after all these years.

I expect his aunt, the late Baroness Ryder of Warsaw, of the Sue Ryder Homes is spinning in her grave.

The Penguin

Lords A-Leaping Onto The Gravy Train

Baroness Hollis Of Heigham, looking well fed and smug.

More from the Times about our Noble Peers.

"We can also disclose that a couple who both sit in the Lords, Lord Howarth of Newport and Baroness Hollis of Heigham, are charging the taxpayer £60,000 a year for living in a £1.3m property in London which has no mortgage.

The rules of the House of Lords say peers whose main residence is outside London may claim up to £174 a day, “where they have incurred expenses of overnight accommodation in London or as a contribution towards the cost of maintaining a London residence in connection with their parliamentary duties”.

Howarth and his girlfriend Hollis, both former Labour ministers, have been claiming an annual total of £60,000 in overnight allowances.

Howarth has owned a £1.3m house in Westminster since 1995, but weeks after becoming a lord in 2005 he bought a second home in Norwich for £445,000 which entitled him to claim the allowance for peers living outside London. The Norfolk house is next door to Hollis’s home.

Since then the couple have claimed more than £160,000 for overnight subsistence. In October 2007 Hollis became a joint owner of the London property and the mortgage was paid off. The couple continued to claim the maximum for living in the London house that financial year, even though there were no more mortgage payments. Howarth and Hollis were unavailable to comment yesterday."

Oh well, I suppose they deserve it all after a lifetime of public service, making this country great and prosperous, ensuring well paid jobs for everyone and a world class health service together with an education system that is the envy of the world.

The Penguin

Baroness Uddin Builds The Taxpayer A Holiday Palace

Isn't it great?

Such thoughtfulness and generosity of spirit!

Baroness Uddin has selflessly slaved away for the public good, and in addition she has lived in subsidised slum housing in London's dangerous East End despite having a nice flat available to her at taxpayers' expense in Kent, and now it emerges why she has had to live such a parsimonious existence.

She's been building a Palace in Bangladesh where her lucky constituents can holiday for free!

Her spokes-weasel said that the saintly Baroness, whose personal fragrance makes Mother Teresa seem like a smelly old corpse, had thought it only right to do this to mark her appreciation of the way that the British Taxpayer had cosseted her and her extensive family of spongers.

The Penguin

Any Regrets, Sir Victor?

You Get To Be Known By The Company You Keep - A Cluster Of Cunts

Poor chap is having to retire early on huge pension after many years of taking home a salary so large most of us couldn't spend it in 20 years of profligacy. So he'll be fairly comfortable, to say the least - unless my plan outlined at Old Holborn is adopted, of course.

But it must rankle, the way he is now vilified and blamed, and the way that the history books will depict him - the man who ruined Lloyds TSB.

And all because he listened to Jonah McBroon, the Saviour Of The World who single-handed did away with Boom and Bust.

The Penguin

Never Mind, Mrs Ruth Gadd, A Few Hail Marys Will Sort It Out

"Hail Mary, Full Of Grace, Save Me From The Expenses Disgrace!"

Luckily for Ruth Gadd, aka "Miss" Ruth Kelly, former Education Minister and Hypocrite, she's a fervent left-footer and a member of the secretive Opus Dei sect for the Brothers and Sisters Of Perpetual Misery, so any embarrassment she may be feeling over the revelations of her troughing habits will be swiftly assuaged by toddling along to see some dodgy Catholic cleric, assuming she can find one not embroiled in a kiddy fiddling scandal, make a clean breast of it (there's an image!) and get away with a few Hail Marys and a few quids worth of candles (for which she'll doubtless get a receipt).

Thus forgiven by the Invisible Sky Pixie, she'll be able to resume troughing with a clear conscience.

The Penguin

You Are Paying For It, Why Not Have A Look Round?

According to the Mail, this photograph is of the house in Stoke Newington which the Balls claim is their second home, enabling them to load all of ths costs of ownership and living there onto the taxpayer. It is apparently where they need to gobble £600 a month of food paid for by the taxpayer. This despite a combined basic salary in excess of £300,000.

Even ignoring the "mistakes" in trying to overclaim, they live very high on the hog indeed.

Personally, if I lived close enough I think I'd be inclined to pop round to Chez Balls and demand to see what my money was being spent on. I might even insist on having a dump in their toilet, and use some of the toilet paper I've paid for to wipe my arse.

The Penguin

Weasel Worded Cunt Without Shame Or Honour!

"Expense Fiddling Masterclass 101! Today We Look At Mortgage Interest!"

Ben Chapman, NuLiebore MP for Wirral South should get a prize (nice piano wire necklace?) for brass neck and shameless corrupt bullying of the Fees Office staff.

Proven to have claimed around £14,000 of non-existent mortgage interest because he was able to pay off early an astonishing £295,000 or so from the loan on his London house, he states it was a long time ago and so he'll keep it.

His other troughing habits are equally repulsive, as is a scrutiny of his correspondence withthe Fees Office.

“This is neither acceptable nor impressive,” he wrote. “To say that I was not best pleased . . . is putting it mildly.

“It is not for me to carry the burden for inefficiency in the fees office . .  . I am not prepared to have my cash flow affected again.”

Fucking cunt.

The Penguin

Cunning Little Bastard!

Ian "Gollum" McCartney, the unintelligible Scottish Dwarf who is possibly only a NuLiebore MP because of some discrimination legislation that we have yet to be infomed about, demonstrated a degree of low animal cunning which his supposedly brighter colleagues failed abysmally to learn from and copy.

Two months after the Speaker and the House of Commons authorities lost a High Court case to stop the release of details of MP’s expenses on their second homes, Gollum sent back all he had claimed to furnish his flat.

I expect he tried to tell the rest of the NuLiebore Parliamentary Party, but they simply couldn't understand a word the wee dwarfish cunt was saying.

The Penguin

Washing His Dirty Linen In Public?

"Vote For My Sheets! Vote For My Pillow Cases!"

Fraser Kemp, Labour MP for somewhere or other up North has a one bedroomed flat in Pimlico, for which he needs two DVD players. Fair enough, he might well want to watch a recording of Bareback Mountain while he tends to his rissoles in the kitchen, before transfering his viewing pleasure to another room to partake of his vittals, or even to enjoy the unfolding human drama from the comfort of his bed.

But there seems to be a problem with his bed - or rather, his bedding, as over a 2 month period he had to buy (at the taxpayers' expense, naturally, after all he is an MP!) an extraordinary number of sheets and pillow cases.

Now, it also appears that he was having trouble with his new (taxpayer funded) washing machine, having to call out an engineer to show him how to use it, a fine example of taking RTFM-itis to the extreme - but of course, when you can claim it back, it makes perfect sense!

I don't like to speculate too closely on what was causing this terrible run on his bedding, if you'll excuse the phrase. I mean, to look at the gargoyle-like reptile he's hardly going to be doing much pulling.

So maybe the problem was a "digestive" problem? Could be all that rich troughing? Or maybe he'd been advised to lose some weight and was trying the Atkins diet? Or those weight loss pills, which I believe can lead to "anal leakage"?

Anyway, now his washing machine is functional (or the operator knows how to press the fucking right button!) we can assume he'll need less new bedding in the future.

Top marks for taking the expensive new TV back to Curry's once the Fees Office had bounced the claim, Mr. Kemp, after all you don't want to be out of (your own) pocket, now do you!

The Penguin

Inspector Knacker Wakes Up And Smells The Stench!

"That's Alright, Little Girl, We'll Soon String Them All Up On Lamp Posts!"

After years of cosying up to the NuLiebore Project, it seems that Inspector Knacker has suddenly woken up and noticed that there was a stench as of something rotting under the floorboards.

Now, led by the Unspeakable Nutter From North Wales, they have realised that the days of ZNL are nearly gone, and that there is likely to be a change of government soon - and that they through their actions have rather upset the likely new incumbents. Damien Green, anyone?

Hence the frenzied waving of Commissar Brunstrom's truncheon.

He said: "We cannot forgive the temerity of people who steal from the public purse and then have the gall to believe that if they hand it back, that makes it all right.

They have no respect for the process and these revelations, I believe, warrant criminal investigation.

The contempt being shown to the public by MPs beggars belief and I am thinking of asking the editor of The Daily Telegraph if he has any evidence of law-breaking involving any MPs in North Wales.

There has been talk of funding private prosecutions and bloody well right, too.

There is going to be blood. This is an issue of such magnitude and public importance that the police should be taking a positive interest in what is emerging."

Of course, protecting his interests as a shareholder and executive director of ACPO Limited is also very close to his wizened black heart.

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

The Right Noble Sleazebag and Svetlana, his KGB handler. Pass The Polonium!

Lord "Guantanamo" Truscott

Traitorous Cunt.

The Penguin

Uphill Gardening And Uphill Interior Design?

"Not The Only Gays On The Council!"

Poor Lord Voldemort, his brave attempts to keep the pink fraternity in his beloved Hartlepool happy by ensuring that his essential gardening maintenance and interior decorating work prior to buggering off to Brussels was kept in the family as it were seem to have backside fired.

The purchaser of the property seems to think that either Lord Voldemort was right royally shafted without the benefit of lube, since there seems to have been little or no work done whatsoever, or that it was all a complete pink scam.

Either way, my message to the good people of Hartlepool is clear: if a pair of unctuous fat-lipped poofters come mincing up your drive asking for your vote, for fuck's sake don't let them quote for any maintenance work you might need doing.

The Penguin

Another Hypocritical Trough Pig, Denis McShane

Maybe For Rotherham It Is An Appealing Work Place?

Denis "Cunt-Face" McShane, Fellowtravelling MP for Rotherham, has screwed £125,000 out of the taxpayer over the past 7 years by pretending his scruffy garage is his constituency office.

This is in addition to staff for it, at around £400,000 over the same period, 2001 to 2008.

I suppose you have to pay over the odds to get people to work in conditions like that. What's the betting some at least of them were his own family members?

The Penguin

Jackie Blue

Makes a change from sleaze.

The Penguin

Jack Straw Forced Into Humiliating U-Turn

Two War Criminals

Trying to bury the bad news amongst the Expenses Scandal, Slippery Weasel Jack "Justice" Straw has had to drop his disgraceful plans to hold secret inquests where there was any danger of embarrassing the government, such as shortages of important kit for dead soldiers, or the murder of Brazilian electricians by the Metropolitan Police Farce.

What a disgusting slimy shit Mr. Straw is.

The Penguin

Just One Big Happy Family

Friends Are God's Apology For Family

"A Danish MEP has sparked outrage in Brussels by saying that the Bulgarians and Romanians are 'less intelligent' that northern Europeans.

The outburst from Mogens Camre came during an EU debate on voting rules, under which the number of seats a country gets in the European Parliament are calculated according to population size.

He said it was 'unjust' that Bulgaria and Romania's combined population of 30million could outvote the Danes, Finns and Swedes who number 20million.

He told France 24 television later: 'When I look at the voting rules, I see that countries like Romania and Bulgaria have many more votes than Denmark and Sweden and Finland.

'I think that honestly speaking that we are more intelligent than they are.

'People who have not created healthy societies shouldn't be making decisions for other Europeans.' "

From The Daily Mail

The Penguin

Another Phantom Mortage.

Every Little Helps - Bury MP David Chaytor Steals The Raffle Prize From The Social Club

David Chaytor (is it pronounced CHEATER?) got so mixed up between the 5 different properties he was claiming were his second home in 4 years that he "forgot" that he'd paid the mortgage of on the Westminster flat he then claimed another £13,000 of taxpayers' money for.

Of course, it was all an honest mistake and he'll pay the money back as soon as he gets back to Briatin from an all expenses paid jaunt to New York to investigate the new Bob Dylan album.

I expect that voters in Bury will completely forgive him, after all, many of them will easily have forgotten paying off their mortgages and will have £13,000 to hand to cough up in the event of any little misunderstanding.

The Penguin