The Fat Lodger And More Fiddled Figures

"I was concentrating on the figures in my expense claims"

Poor (well, not financially!) Jacqui Smith, our much derided Home Economics Secretary doesn't have the responsibilities that used to be part and parcel of one of the Great Organs Of The State in times gone by.

The Slippery Weasel has "Justice" - we all wish it were true! Northern Ireland, Child Care, and Broadcasting have all been moved to other departments.

So the Kebab Stuffer has The Police, and Immigration. Oh, and the regulation of British Summer Time.

Bearing in mind that in order to maximise her tax free allowances the Salad Dodger has her main residence in the spare room at her sister's house in South London, and only spends 3 nights a week there and the majority of her time back in Redditch, you might think that the Home Economics Secretary has realised that compared to her predecessors such as Michael Howard she has it fucking easy.

After all, she's got monkeys like McNulty and Woolas to do the day to day stuff.

Yet there's a continual stream of embarrassing leaks and bad press washing over the Home Office like sewage. I've noted a few of them on here of late.

The latest concerns the misleading use of statistics for the under-performing UK Borders Agency, whose "success" in deporting illegal immigrants is now seen to be a hollow boast.

How much more embarrassment for the government before she resigns or The Great Bogey Gobbler sacks her?

The Penguin

British Bastards For British Chavs!

"Alfie's Dad, keeping a low profile in case the CSA recognise the prolific breeder"

Little Alfie Patten is distraught that some nasty bigger boys are claiming to have shagged the arse off his beloved Chantelle, 15 year old mother to benefits ticket Maisie, and may indeed be the father.

Max Clifford is equally distraught on behalf of his young client, as he can see tabloid scoops drifting away if the DNA tests prove that Alfie's balls have yet to drop.

Chantelle, who bears an amazing likeness to Karen Matthews, is claiming that she only had sex the one time with little Alfie, and that they did take precautions in that she tied his ankle to the leg of the bed.

Gordon Brown's spokesperson said that it showed that his policy of British Bastards for British Chavs was the right thing to do. "Soon there will be a new growth industry, as families of hard-drinking chavs set their pre-pubescent children to work making babies. Getting on with the job!"

The Penguin

No Lifeboat For Gordon

"I have abolished Boom and Bust, a New Golden Era Dawns for Financial Services in the City of London!"

Claims by Grauniad journalist Jackie Ashley, part of Andrew Marr's harem, of a lifeboat being organised by Angela Merkel for our Beloved Supreme Leader, The Fuckwit of Fife, Jimmy Gordon McBroon were angrily dismissed by Downing Street spokesweazels this afternoon.

"You can take it from me, the fucking ugly woman doesn't know what she's talking about," the spokesweazel ejaculated, "Stupid bitch doesn't even know Andrew's still shagging Alice!"

He then went on to point out how unlikely it was that anyone in the world would consider giving the Great Caledonian Cunt a job when they looked at his CV and his track record.

"Everything he touches turns to shit", he went on, "So why on earth would the IMF want him?"

The Penguin

"This is akin to suggesting that WW2 might have been ended sooner if in, say, the Spring of 1945 FDR has put forward that the best way to complete the defeat of Germany was to nominate Hitler as the general-secretary of the UN. "
The Creator

A Face In The Crowd

Old Holborn doing his bit to publicise latest step on the march to a Police State.

The Penguin

Doomed

On February 12th Gordon Brown, Saviour Of The World, signed a Mini.

On February 16th 850 car workers sacked at Mini plant in Cowley.

The Curse Of Jonah McBroon, coming soon to your town?

The Penguin

New Allowances Scandal - The Badger Exposed!

Alastair Darling, widely rumoured to be something to do with the Treasury, has been caught taking advantage of the generous fiddles available to all MPs.

He has claimed over £70,000 of tax free bunce for his million pound mansion in Edinburgh by pretending that his main residence is a fold down bunk bed in Margaret Beckett's caravan.

"It's a very cosy caravan," he said, "and Margaret makes a lovely cup of tea."

The Penguin

UPDATE : Jack Straw claims his main home is a bed in a dormitory at the YMCA in Bermondsey.

FURTHER UPDATE : David Blunkett claims his main residence is a kennel at Battersea Dogs Home which he shares with Sadie.

The Curse Of Jonah McBroon

"I was never there, it was nothing to do with me!"

You have to admit that The Great Leader displays consistency. Every fucking thing the cunt turns his chewed and snot-stained bogey picking hands to turns to shit.

Now he is desperately trying to pretend that the Lloyds TSB takeover of HBOS was nothing to do with hime, must have been those bigger boys again.

Trouble is, no matter how his sock puppets like Peston spin, he was so keen to grab all the glory and be seen to be "doing things" that it is impossible to extricate himself now, as the full extent of the problems at HBOS emerge to wreck the Lloyds Bank Group (registered in Scotland, hmmmm).

Even Lord Turner of Pigsinswill, busily handing out £33 MILLION in bonuses at the FSA (no rewards for failure!) has thrown a bucket of shit onto his head, admitting that HBOS could easily have been propped up directly without crashing LloydsTSB.

I expect all the bank shareholders and those dependent on them like pensioners are just so grateful to the Supreme Saviour.

The Penguin

Jacqui's Only Chance

Telephone conversation overheard in Max Clifford's office.

"Jacqui, love, I'm really busy right now. I'm getting the Peoples' Reality Princess a meeting with The Pope. No, it won't help her with the cancer, but it'll get a decent spread in Heat, and that's another few quid for her kids. And several thousand more for me, naturally. Anyway, enough of my little problems, what can I do for you? Oh, the bad press over your fiddled allowances? Well, it's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be cheap, I'm not a monkey and I don't work for peanuts! Still, you can probably afford me, the amount they say you've been stealing. OK? Let's say a £25,000 retainer to start with, and I'll need expenses, you'll know about expenses, Jacqui darling, won't you? Right! Now, what you have to do is get down the gym as fast as you like and get a couple of stone off, tone those abs, get your tits firmed up a bit, because they're your best bet. Then when you're ready give me a call, and I'll get you onto Celebrity Cunts In The Jungle. Believe me, Jacqui, it'll work. The public will learn to love you eating beetle shit and getting your tits out to give all the blokes a treat. Don't forget to send that cheque!"


The Penguin

What A Lovely Bunch!

"Max Clifford told me to wear it!"

I thought the "Babyfather" story was squalid enough, but it gets worse and worse.

His family are at war over making money from flogging exclusives to the tabloids, and his father, a strange rubber headed creature, has nine children and three step-children - so you can see where poor Alfie is coming from, if you'll excuse the pun. However, I have a cynical suspicion that he's been set up to take the rap as being the most saleable to the redtops.

Because now there's a raft of other teenagers claiming it could be any one of them who is the father, as they were all shagging Chantelle, many of them at her house while her mother was downstairs. What sort of mother allows that sort of behaviour? Now of course she is claiming that Alfie "took Chantelle's virginity" - I wonder what she'll be saying when the results of the DNA testing prove this is not the case?

Will the tabloids be asking Alfie's grasping parents for refunds? And what are the prospects for the poor little baby?

The Penguin

The Stench Isn't Going Away, Jacqui!

Sadly for our beleagured Home Economics Secretary, The Pride Of Redditch, Kebab Queen Jacqui "The Fat Lodger" Smith, the public don't seem to believe that her fairy tale about her living arrangements has much merit.

John Lyon, the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner may be gullible in the extreme, or simply a spineless placeman waiting for his pension and unwilling to rock the boat, but no-one else seems to be able to swallow the line that La Spliff is spinning.

Sadly, there is very little noise coming from senior Tories about this, which is doing their credibility no good at all, and is tarring them with the same sleaze because people are making the assumption that the lack of criticism stems from fear that many on the Opposition benches are similarly guilty.

Alistair Darling certainly is in no position to criticise her - one wonders how many more are abusing our trust in this way?

Jacqui is not only incompetent, she is corrupt. She should resign, or McCavity Brown should sack her.

The Penguin

About Time! ACPO's "Nice Little Earners" Exposed

Check out this timely expose!

Interesting that ACPO was set up in 1997, not a good year for Britain.

The Penguin

Gordon Appoints New Financial Adviser

"Oh fuck! Can't you tell him I'm busy blessing holocaust deniers or something?"

Following the sad loss of two of his financial advisers who were found to be radio-active with the toxic taint of banking misconduct, Our Great Leader, Saviour Of The Universe, The Monocular Trouser Stainer, Jimmy Gordon McBroon has decided to appoint a new finanial adviser, who is free from scandal.

The fact that Pope Benedict hasn't got a fucking clue about finance, banking, or economics doesn't worry Gordon, it puts them in the same fuckwit box.

Last time the two met, Gordon gave the Pope a Book Of Sermons written by Pa McBroon, who bequeathed wee Jimmy his ( Broken ) Moral Compass. What great work of literature can his Holiness expect this time round? "Courage" by J. G. Brown? "How I Abolished Boom And Bust" by Dr. J. G. Brown? Or maybe the little booklet of cheats and dodges for free loading that McBroon produced as a student? That would come in handy next time the Pontiff wanted to blag his way into a party!

The Penguin

Another Diplomatic Triumph For Gordon

"The cunt thinks were are still a fucking colony - he can fuck right off!"

The Man Who Saved The World, Flesh Gordon, has demonstrated his brilliance yet again.

Trying to secure a few consolation air miles and more perks for one of his Jockland Cronies pushed out of the MOD in his last reshuffle, Gordon The Moron appointed Des BrowneNose as Governor General Of Ceylon, as he'd heard the weather was nice there.

Oddly, the authorities in Sri Lanka were not amused. Apparently they had tried to appoint a Special Envoy to Ireland some years back before Bliar's sell out to the IRA, and are still cross because they were told to mind their own fucking business.

The Penguin

You Can't Spin This, Gordon! It IS Your Fault!!

"A bigger boy done it and ran away!"

Overlooked by most of the media, I was surprised to find this in the Grauniad not just because of the sheer dynamite it shoves up The Great Leader's fat arse, but because of that newspaper's political leanings.

Lord Burns, the single most authoritative possible person to be able to testify on the subject*, has quietly but devastatingly ripped a hole, a fucking huge hole, in Gordon Brown's assertions that the banking crisis is the fault of the Americans and their dodgy mortgages. It was Lord Burns, then Sir Terry Burns, who was Permanent Secretary at the Treasury when Gordon forced the introduction of the tripartite system of financial regulation and created the not-fit-for-purpose Financial Services Authority. Sir Terry had to shuttle between a very unhappy Eddie George at the Bank of England and the One Eyed Chancellor, and now looks back to the previous tried and tested system as being superior in every respect.

"Burns said the tripartite structure covering the Bank of England, the Treasury and the Financial Services Authority, had not properly overlapped - with the result that failed business models in British banking were not spotted. He also said the system was insufficiently transparent and in the initial stages of the crisis led to uncertainty of responsibility.

He said the tighter system of bank regulation in Spain had been far more effective in controlling dangerous expansion and regulating off balance sheet securities, the source of the much of the British banking crisis. His remarks to a Lords economic affairs committee will add to the pressure on the prime minister as he dodges to avoid being made culpable for the banking crisis."

Considering that there are 2,800 useless cunts "working" at the FSA and that they are in line for bonuses amounting to a staggering £33 MILLION of taxpayers money, just how much fucking money has Gordon's useless regulatory system cost over the years in wages, let alone the massive damage done to the economy by the banking crash which they failed to prevent?

Gordon Brown can't blame anyone else for this. He has boasted for years about his wonderful tripartite light touch regulatory system, and no matter what he and his badger say about "Global Crunch Made In America", his useless and compliant watchdogs were asleep on the job, did nothing to regulate the banks despite warnings, and then dithered and dallied while the house burnt down.

Dont bother apologising, Gordon, just shoot yourself.

The Penguin

*Although I'd like to hear what Eddie George has to say about it! Can't some parliamentary committe ask him in for a chat?

Hurrah! CPS Lets Met Get Away With Murder

Stephen O'Doherty, of CPS Special Crime Division, said: "I have now concluded that there is insufficient political willpower to prove that any offence was committed by any individual officers in relation to the murder by the Metropolitan Police Farce death of Mr de Menezes.

In reaching this decision, I considered my pension and prospects for promotion; I have been told to conclude the officers known as C2 and C12 acted in self defence in shooting Mr de Menezes and to ignore the fact that they lied to the inquest about what was said and done immediately before the shooting.

The answers the jury provided to specific questions they were asked by the coroner made it clear, albeit to a civil standard, that the jury did not believe the officers' ficticious accounts of what happened.

However, although there were some blatant lies in what the officers said at the inquest, there were also inconsistencies in what passengers had said. I concluded that when faced with the evidence a jury could not be relied on to come to the verdict that we want them to.

I also considered the actions of the individual officers in the police so-called management team on that day and considered whether there was sufficient evidence to charge all of them with gross negligence manslaughter.

There was plenty of fresh evidence from the inquest which caused me to check with the Home Secretary and the Justice Minister as to how best to be able to maintain my original decision that there was insufficient evidence to do so. I accepted their advice to brazenly lie or risk taking a walk in some woods in Oxfordshire.

I have today written to the de Menezes family explaining my decision."

The Penguin

What A Cosy Club

"I swear I have never ever had sex with that man!" says Gordon Brown

Hmmmm, I've been slagging off "Sir" James Crosby and the Failing Standards Authority, and now that I have additional information to hand it seems that I was wrong.

I didn't do nearly enough slagging.

It seems that "Sir" James, who the Prime Mentalist hardly knows despite their long and happy association, was appointed by The Great Chancellor to be Deputy Chairman of the Farcical Substandards Agency while he was still Chief Executive of HBOS. "In January 2004 Crosby was appointed by HM Treasury as Deputy Chairman of the Financial Services Authority"
per Wikipedia. Crosby bailed out of HBOS with his £9 million quid pension pot in July 2006.

So when in 2004 the sacked head of HBOS's Risk Management Team went along to complain to the FSA about the issues at HBOS, the chaps at the FSA were being asked to investigate their very own Deputy Chairman.

Hardly surprising they decided to accept an anodyne report from KPMG that things were fine at HBOS. Don't rock the boat, everything will be OK, after all, Gordon Brown has abolished Boom and Bust, new golden era for financial services has dawned.

Now as the auditors of HBOS (and also providing other lucrative services) KPMG were pulling in around £11 MILLION a year in fees. So although you'd think they ought to know what was going on at one of their biggest clients, it is hardly surprising that KPMG whitewashed the whistleblower. Independent my hairy backside.

And of course, all this cosy interconnectedness and large fees and perks all round is just fine, apart from the slight stench of corruption.

Still, not to worry, Hector Sants is still being overpaid to run the Fucking Stupid Arsewipes, and is shovelling £33 MILLION in bonuses into pay packets for his useless crew this very month, a day or so after Gordon declared no bonuses should be paid out for failure in the financial services sector. Funny that, because any normal person would think that the FSA had fucked up big time.

I am looking forward to the shareholders at HBOS (and other banks) looking to recoup some of their losses by sueing the fucking auditors for professional incompetence.

I'm sorry that the taxpayer can't sue the senior management at the Financial Services Authority for failing to do what they are overpaid to do.

And let's not forget who set this pile of shit up in the first place - McCavity Brown, the Financial Genius of Fife, who has no accountancy or financial expertise, no banking experience or expertise, no experience of running even a small business like a fucking Pie Shop, and has proven to be such a fine judge of character as well. The useless fucking cunt.

The Penguin

If You Made It Up, No One Would Believe It

"Hector Sants, smug overpaid useless twat who runs (sic) the FSA"

Just one day after The Great Unelected Saviour Of The World, the most brilliant Chancellor of The Exchequer in all History, Our Piss-Stained Prime Mentalist Jimmy Gordon McBroon, claimed that he was going to clamp down on bankers getting bonuses that they did not deserve, what happens?

The Financial Service Authority declares it is handing out £33 MILLION in bonuses to its staff.
Now, remind yourself, the FSA is the watchdog that didn't bark or bite. The HBOS whistleblower told us that they ignored his concerns because they like a quiet life. There's 2,800 of them, and if you fucking shot the lot you'd never notice that they weren't there, except you'd be saving a shed load of tax payers money.

The Penguin

Gordon Should Have Bought One!

Gordon's Little Problem - Us!

You have to feel sorry for The Glorious Leader, Saviour Of The World, Micturating Mincer as he loses two banking advisers in quick succession. Well, no, you don't and nor do I.

Fact is, there is no one out there with clean hands. They are all corrupt cunts, and completely unable to stand up to public scrutiny thanks to the wondrous power of the internet to enable ordinary people to gain access to information, much of it that these bastards would prefer was hidden away.

So you can expect that there will be further attempts to limit the use of the internet and to stifle blogging ( except by "official" cunts like Dolly Dripper, of course)

The Penguin (Officially Endangered Species)

Civil Service At The Trough

It is no wonder that porcine government ministers make "mistakes" in their duty to put country ahead of personal interest in their dealings with companies that they come into contact with, as their civil service permanent staff, who are supposed to advise them on the proper management of such things are themselves at the trough, snouts in, arses up, tails wagging.

Sir Brian Bender, who looks after Lord Voldemort at the Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform, the department which creates rules and guidelines affecting companies, is a prime example. And no, I did not make the name up!! Hardly a week goes by that he is not accepting largesse from some company or other. Due to retire next year, I don't suppose for one moment that he'll need to supplement his gold-plated pension by becoming a consultant or director of one or more of the companies he is so assiduously "networking" with?

I think there's going to be considerable demand for piano wire.

The Penguin

British Statistics For British Workers - Ministers Furious

Oh dear, Oh dear. It seems that the publication by the independent Office of National Statistics has upset the government and it's supporters such as the much loved Keith Vaz.

This is because they didn't get a chance to put their spin on the figures, and because they show what complete hogwash Gordon McBroon's stupid headline grabbing soundbite slogan "British Jobs for British Workers" really is.

If I was the brave lady in charge of the ONS I'd avoid walking in the woods!

The Penguin

The Laughing Politician

*Laughter*

I know a fat ole politician, he’s always on the job
A fat old, creepy grey-faced man, he really is a knob
He’s too thick for a Prime Mentalist, he’s never ever wrong
And everybody agrees he is a complete fucking mong

*Laughter*

He laughs upon his jobbies, he laughs at lives destroyed
He laughs at everybody when they're getting unemployed
He never can stop laughing, he says he'd never tried
But once he did piss himself and laughed until he cried

*Laughter*

Oh, His horrid face had wrinkles, and then he shuts his eye
He opened his great mouth, out came a hideous sigh
He said “Started In America,” I didn't know what for
And then he starting laughing, until he cracked his jaw

*Laughter*

So if you chance to meet him while walking ‘round the town
Just shake him warmly by the throat and then knock the bastard down
Give him a thorough kicking, put his eye in a paper cup
And then you can all start laughing, and string the bugger up!

*Laughter*

The Penguin, apologies to Tiny Tim

Boris Speaks His Mind

Overheard, a telephone conversation in the Mayor of London's office.

"Look, you garlic-smelling corrupt little turd, I fucking told you that I didn't tell Cameron a fucking thing about the proposed arrest of Damian Green by that fat cunt Inspector Knackered. And now you've got the fucking cheek to question my integrity? What is that if it is not taking the fucking piss? From you of all greasy shifty cock-suckers? What about the Filkin findings, your suspension from the House? Your intereference in judicial proceedings? Your ugly wife's helping illegal immigrants, and the both of you greasing round that pretend solicitor? They should have fucking sacked you years ago! Now just fuck right off and crawl back under a stone, you cunt!"

I wonder who he was talking to?

The Penguin

Official!! Wanking Is Good For You!

"Health Minister demonstrates advanced wanking action for experts."

Regular vigourous wrist and hand exercise can cut your risk of colon cancer by a quarter, a detailed analysis has revealed.

Wanking reduces the likelihood of developing one of the most common cancers, the review of 52 studies from the past 25 years found.

It showed that of the thousands of individuals examined, the most active wankers were the least likely to develop the disease.

The protection remained even after risk factors linked to cancer, such as diet, obesity and smoking, were taken into account.

The British Journal of Cancer study combined results from research covering many kinds of physical activity, including manual labour, jogging, working out at the gym and brisk wanking.

Those who took regular wanks cut their risk of colon cancer by 24 per cent.

The benefit was the same for men and women.

Bowel cancer is the third most common form of cancer, affecting more than 36,500 people a year in the UK. Two-thirds of cases occur in the colon, while the rest develop in the rectum.

Wanking is thought to cut the risk of the disease by keeping weight in check and increasing the speed at which cancer-causing chemicals in food pass through the gut. It also reduces bowel inflammation and the level of hormones linked to the growth of tumours.

At last some good news.

The Penguin

Official Launch Of New LabourScum Blogsite

Rab C. Nesbitt and his wife Mary were pictured at the launch party of his new blog, Labourscum.blot

No one else bothered going.

The Penguin