Great Big Troughs In Scotlandshire

Fuck me but they know how to live high on the fucking hog when the taxpayer is footing the bill up in bonny Scotlandshire.

No wonder that Alex Salmond has thirty-two chines on his two faces!

Personally I find if difficult to understand how they can stomach all that Haggis and Neeps, or how the caterers dare charge so much money for such rubbish, but maybe the single malt is expensive....

The Penguin

Andrew Mitchell - The Full Apology

Andrew Mitchell has published the full transcript of his apology, as made to the Prime Minister.

"Look, Dave, I'm really really sorry that this has caused such a stink. I can't believe the fucking cheek of that cuntstable, first in not opening the fucking gate immediately and saluting me as I cycled past the little pleb, and then having the fucking nerve to make a complaint because I gave him a richly deserved bollocking.

I may have lost the Department for Pissing Taxpayers Money Away To Corrupt Cunts and Hangers-On in your fucking shit re-shuffle, but I'm still a very important person, and these fucking plebs should know their place!"

The Penguin

Sack The Bastard And Strip Him Of Pension And Knighthood

Good to see "Sir" Norman twisting and turning like a twisty turny thing.....

The Penguin

Just What The Fuck Is Wrong With Plod?

"What's that, Madam? A lost dog? Right, you're fucking nicked!"

Despite all the previous, and all the noises from ministers and politicians, Inspector Fuckwit and his myrmidons continue to arrest householders who have simply defended their persons and their property from assault and robbery by criminals.

Even if they are then released on bail and the cretins at the CPS manage not to prosecute them and waste even more money and time, this is a serious inconvenience and leaves a paper-trail which may cause these victims trouble in future as well as hassle and heartache at the time.

Is it asking too fucking much that the imbeciles in senior positions in Her Majesty's Cuntstabulary tell their subordinates in words simple enough for even them to understand, stop arresting people for defending themselves?  We appreciate that the implied contract between public and police has broken down because they are patently incapable of doing what they are paid to do - defend the public and the public's property from criminals - so stop hassling the public when they have to step up and do the fucking police's job.

The Penguin

An Afghan Solution

Following the latest atrocities in Afghanistan, The Penguin would like to share his solution with the imbeciles who claim to be in charge of "Western Policy".

1. Get the fuck out.
2. Glass it over, saving a fortune on decommissioning all those excess nuclear weapons.
3. Tell the raving loonies in places like Yemen, Pakistan, and Saudi that you still have plenty
of missiles and warheads left, and that the oil can be extracted quite easily once they're incinerated and gone to their strict heaven complete with all those virgins.

Sorted.

The Penguin

A Business Genius?

Nur Nadir, who at 28 is just 43 years younger than her convict husband, said her husband was a "business genius" and his wealth was a "direct result of his and his family's working morals and ethics".

"Face it," she said, "He got away with loads of dosh, the charges were just the tip of the iceberg. Then he has a nice break in the sunshine for 17 years until he's in poor health, and now he's going to enjoy the best of the NHS for a five year holiday all expenses paid. Fucking genius!!" 

The Penguin

What A Surprise, No One To Blame!

"What Do You Mean, I Look Like Lonely From Callan?"

Scotland Yard Commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe said: "We are carrying out an internal review, but given the fact that we are not only incapable of finding a dead body in a bin-bag three times out of four, and that we have trouble finding our back-side with both hands, we are unlikely to find anyone prepared to take the blame for this latest fuck-up.

However, it's not all bad this week - we have just managed to get Freddy Patel blamed for the Tomlinson manslaughter, diverting attention from our very own serial-thug PC Harwood, who has now been cleared in the courts and will soon be free to resume acts of extreme and unprovoked violence against the general public.

I might just keep my job since Boris doesn't want to risk more questions about losing senior managers on his watch, but my knighthood is looking a tad unlikely in the short-term."

The Penguin

Todd's World

The world according to Congressman Todd Akin of Dimwit, Missouri, must be a wonderfully strange place.

Some of his views include:

You can't get pregnant if you are raped properly.
You might get pregnant if you are not properly raped.
You won't get raped if you are properly pregnant.
You will get properly shafted if you vote for a pregnant Democrat.
You will go straight to hell, pregnant or not, if you vote for a black Democrat.
Iran is one of the axes of evil.
George W. Bush never got pregnant from raping America.
You can rape some of the people all of the time and they will still vote for you.
My tax returns are none of your Goddam business.

Meanwhile "Gorgeous" George Galloway has declared that Congressman Akin merely forgot the correct etiquette, and he'll do much better next time he makes an extra insertion without asking.

The Penguin

We're Very Sorry This Has Fucked My Career

Commander Neil Snafu of Scotland Yard has apologised for the failure of his officers to discover the dead body of 12-year old Tia Sharp in the house her 46 year-old grandmother Christine Sharp shared with a 37 year old criminal who had previously been shacked up with the child's mother, 30 year old Natalie Sharp, for more than a week after the girl was declared officially missing.

"We just could not take it seriously at first, " Commander Snafu confessed. "We thought it was something made up off of Jeremy Kyle, or out of the Daily Shite. I mean, look at the so-called family! We were gob-smacked that the missing girl wasn't pregnant herself, and were expecting her to pop up on Big Brother or My Big Fat Family With No Weddings or something. Eventually one of the neighbours started banging on about a nasty smell, and we found a body. I really want to apologise to my family, because this has totally fucked my career and the chances are they will be putting up with seeing a lot more of me while I'm on gardening leave waiting to retire early on  the sick. Luckily I'll keep the pension!"

The Penguin

Cut Their Right Hands Off For A Second Offence!

When even the cossetted hand-wringers of the judiciary are declaring in open court that they would like to lock criminals up for longer but are prevented from doing so, you know the pendulum needs to swing in the other direction.

Sadly it will be too late to save this young lady from having her life blighted by these worthless cunts.

There's a very simple and effective solution that would also allow that hush-puppied old fraud Ken Clarke to keep reducing the prison population.

Cut their right hands off for any second offence. Even the fucking muzzies couldn't argue with that...

The Penguin

Red-Handed Adair

 £188,000 a year to look the other way?

Oh dear, it seems that the wanker who has managed to escape all responsibility and blame for the financial meltdown and keep getting paid telephone numbers as some sort of "expert" in charge of regulating financial services and banking has traces of dog-shit on his feet of clay.

One has to wonder if his elevation to the peerage will ensure that the stench blows away before it taints his elegant nostrils...

Personally I wonder at his continued survival. What fucking skeletons in whose fucking closet does he know about?

The Penguin

Stuffed To The Gunwhales?

Lord Cunt is delusional.

The 2012 supremo, Lord Coe, has insisted that the ticketing scandal will be resolved as the Games progress and said the venues have been ‘stuffed to the gunwales’.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2181858/London-2012-Olympics-60-000-seats-left--day.html#ixzz22HZrJRgV

The Penguin

Sew Their Twats Up!

Feckless breeding is obviously a major cause of trouble - especially with a social system that rewards this behaviour with free housing and all the fags and booze necessary to exacerbate the problems.

Even the "Problem Family Tsar" has noticed.

The answer is simple - chop the bollocks off the irresponsible fathers, and sew the twats up to stop the women proliferating with yet more drunken absentee sperm donors.

The Penguin

Fuck You And Your Corporate Games!

That smug cunt "Lord" Coe has admitted that if you have been stupid enough, rich enough,  and lucky enough to actually acquire tickets to go and see fuck all at a distance at the Olympic Games, you wouldn't be allowed in if you were wearing a Pepsi-Cola T-shirt - because it would upset Coca-Cola, who have handed over vast sums to have sole rights to supply their disgusting and unhealthy burp-inducing sweetly-sickly fizzy drink.


Rather a long way from the "Olympic Ideal", innit?

The Penguin

"Very Nice Of The Soldiers To Help Us Out..."

Nick Buckles, CEO of the farcical G4S has apologised for the complete fuck-up over his company's farcical failure to hire enough security staff to cover their contractual obligations over searching every mug's handbag to see if they have enough money left ( after being ripped off for tickets and hotels) for a Muck-burger at the Olympics.

"We were awarded the contract 5 years ago, " he said, "I distinctly remember celebrating with some bottles of Krug, and of course it was taken into account when we awarded ourselves some hefty bonuses. Then I delegated it all to some junior intern, and we only found out the other week that he'd left to get a proper job with a salary.

Lucky there's plenty of soldiers doing fuck all who can be drafted in!"

The Penguin

Better Than Jesus!

"Look Out, Bob, He's Behind You!"

Gosh, haven't things improved?

Now you don't need to wait three days to resurrect yourself after being publicly crucified - provided you're very well connected and have some other cunt to take the rap.

However, I suspect that American Bob is unlikely to take kindly to having been made the fall guy, despite richly (!) deserving a thorough slapping. And he knows where the bodies are buried in all this financial shit.

It's going to be fun.

The Penguin

Pass The Fucking Onion!

 Jump? Not Without A Golden Parachute, Old Boy!!

Here's the brief statement (prior to the PR nonces rewriting it).

"It is with deep regret that I have decided to trouser the substantial pay-off and enhanced pension rights and resign a few days earlier than originally planned.

Although that American cunt Bob Diamond has right royally fucked up the entire Bank, he is the right man for the job  because he is signing my cheque as I walk off into a very comfortable retirement with a few plum non-executive directorships to help with the expenses.

Is that enough contrition?

Marcus."

The Penguin

The Sage Of Twickenham

"I predicted 17 of the last 2 recessions, you know!"

You just know that things can only go one way when the Sage of Twickenham weighs in with his great wisdom. Precisely the opposite to what the hypocritical old wanker says.

So we can look forward to a referendum pretty soon.

The Penguin

Deutschland, Deutschland über alles!!!

Especially the Greeks.

Mind you, the Bundesbanke's Tanks are ready to roll into Spain and Italy...

The Penguin

Completely Useless Trough Pigs

Well, there's a surprise! NOT. The useless and ineffective twats at the so-called Financial Services Authority who did absolutely fuck-all to stop the banks and related arse-wipes running amok under McRuin's master-plan have managed to pay themselves massive salaries and pensions before the "new improved regulatory bodies as shite as the old ones" take over.

Shameless Cunts.

The Penguin

No Lessons To Learn

"Not here to learn about democracy or economics...." Commissar Barrosso at the G20.

Says it all really.

Cunt.

The Penguin

No, I Never Did!!!

Gordon McRuin went along to the Leveson Farce and, under oath, set the record straight about a few things.

1. I never sold off the gold cheap
2. I never stabbed Tony Bliar in the back
3. I never let all those immigrants in
4. I never set up the Tax Credit Bribery System
5. I never order aircraft carriers to be built in my constituency at inflated prices
6. I never signed the Lisbon Treaty
7. I never picked my nose and ate the snotty bogey on live TV
8. I never offered to suck Rebekah Brooks' cock
9. I never made a video called "Dance of the Comedian"
10. I never let our boys die in Snatch Land Rovers to save money


Seems we were all mistaken.

The Penguin

What A Surprise - Not!!!!

Oh dear, the wankers at the Department of Transport have been caught red-handed lying about the supposed benefits of the High Speed Fuck-up.


Now they are busy moving the goal-posts....

There have got to be some really BIG back-handers and brown envelopes mixed up in this, the whole thing is beginning to smell like a three week old dead lobster.

The Penguin

The Biggest Money Pit In The World

They do say it is the biggest employer in the world. It is also fucking brilliant at wasting money.

The deluded twats gave the doctors a huge huge pay rise - seems they have also given m'learned friends yet more money as well.....

Best keep away from hospitals - full of sick people and diseases. And a few emaciated patients, possibly.

The Penguin

Another Fucking Alien?

It's the distinctly not-quite-human hair gives them away.

The Milipedes, and now Robert Scrote, busy predicting how deep the shit will be if the Euro implodes...

What the fuck are they really doing here? And why do they make those fucking corn circles?

The Penguin