Drought Ruins Badminton Horse Trials

The drought has buggered up the horse trials.
 

"The recent exceptional drought has left the ground at Badminton totally waterlogged and partially flooded," Badminton director Hugh Thomas said. "Further drought is due this week, leaving no chance of the ground drying out."

Meanwhile, in other areas such as York, the drought is causing some local difficulties, and apparently some poor bugger died when he drowned in a drought-filled ford in Hampshire.

The twats at the DEA are still claiming their vast salaries, so that's all right for some.

The Penguin

Sick Note For Moran

Dear Jim,

Bet you wished you'd taken my advice and copped a sickie,

Best wishes
Margaret

PS Pass my best on to Elliot, Eric, and David!!

(So much for Justice - The Penguin)

The Drought Spreads!

More drought forecast...

The Penguin

Drought Bollocks

"It's the wrong sort of rain, we need rain that only falls on reservoirs..."

We've all experienced the heavy rainfall, storms, hail, cloudbursts, and so on over the past few weeks. Chelsea versus Barcelona at Stamford Bridge you could barely see across the pitch the other night. Apparently a whole April's worth of rain has fallen in the last 72 hours. Down at the allotment it's alike the fucking Somme.

Yet what are the "authorities" claiming?

"Environment Agency head of water resources Trevor Bishop said: “It will take more than two weeks’ rain to undo effects of two years’ below-average rainfall. Soil is dry so most rain is soaked up used up by plants, evaporates or runs off, causing flash floods. Rain won’t soak down to top up groundwater, which is what we really need.”

Makes you wonder how many moons circle his fucking planet.

The Penguin

Making Friends And Influencing People

"Maybe he's just covered in smoke, Sarge?"

Covering themselves in glory, the Met Police Farce continues to make friends and influence people on a daily basis.

Not content with having over-hyped-up racist thugs acting in ways that completely break their very own rules (by their own admission in court!) and are a fucking travesty of what police work should be about, the corrupt cunts then insist on prosecuting the victim of their abuse. Despite the "best efforts" of the ever-wonderful CPS the victim is found to be innocent, and after the case is taken up by the main-stream media senior management of the Farce are forced to belatedly adopt their own procedures and refer the situation to the IPCC to be whitewashed in the usual fashion.

At this rate there'll be a knighthood for the cunt in charge.

The Penguin

The Weasel Has Shit On His Fur

Bloody excellent news - Jack "The Weasel" Straw is being dragged into the courts to answer for his weaselly ways over rendition.

It appears his saintly boss has conveniently forgotten all about anything, so won't be much use even as a character witness...

The Penguin

We're Just There For The Money, Fuck The People!

"Look, you numpties," explained Formula One Commercial Rights Godfather Bernie Ecclestone, "we don't give a fucking toss about the politics, the politicians, or the fucking people. We're not into human fucking rights, only commercial rights, got it? And the cunts in Bahrein aren't no worse than the cunts in Peking burning fucking Tibetan monks alive, so stop fucking going on about a few peasants getting topped for going all mouthy. We're just there to make loads of money from the TV rights, never mind anyone else's rights. So stop bothering me with minor fucking details. Did I ever tell you how much my fucking wife spent on shoes?"

The Penguin

Caption Contest - Tears Of A Newt Edition

Come on, give it your best shots!!

The Penguin

Assad Still In Line For Nobel Peace Prize, Says Kofi Annan

Evil Dictator and Useless Twat - can you tell them apart?




Despite continuing to deploy his army against his own citizens, even those who have had the sense to bugger off to other countries, President Assad (from the family firm, Assad and Sons, Dictators) of Syria is still the tyrant of choice when it comes to daft old Kofi Annan's vote on the next Nobel Peace Prize.

One of the enduring mysteries of the last hundred years or so, Kofi Annan continues to amaze the world with his absolute fucking uselessness whilst still drawing that gold-plated pension from the UN, where he presided over a myriad of colossal successes such as ending maleria and eradicating the caste system in India. Oh, and saving the whales, reversing global warming, turning all Kalshikovs into forks and spades, and making racism a thing of the past.

Fuck me, there's another flying pig!

The Penguin

No Wonder Plod Has No Friends

"Keep searching, bound to be a Kalashnikov here somewhere..."

Just for a moment ignoring all the justified shit being poured over the police farce generally and the Met in particular about racism, failure to investigate their chums in the media of phone-hacking, tipping off their chums in the media about investigations, general racism and corruption, shooting people and getting away with it, and so on, here's a wonderful story which perfectly illustrates why Plod has no friends whatsoever in the community any more.

A couple take their little girl camping. She has a heart attack and the ambulance is called. The poor mite dies shortly after arrival at hospital.

Fucking plod arrest the parents and spent all day questioning them before the results of the post-mortem arrive and they are released without charge.

Softly, softly, move along, nothing to see here....

The Penguin

Yet Another Rat Dives Overboard

Supposed to be a picture but I can't get the cunting thing to load...

How come plod can simply "retire" when faced with disciplinary proceedings and thus escape to draw their gold-plated tax-payer-funded fucking pensions?

Dick Head Federico, the tosser in charge of cock-sucking Rupert Murdoch and his minions at the Met has been on well-paid fucking holiday since last August while the fuckwits faffed about deciding whether is conduct was sufficiently bad to require them to do anything. As soon as they agreed to open disciplinary proceedings, he ducks into retirement...

Next thing the cunt will pop up as a consultant for ACPO.

The Penguin

Do You Suppose Any Of Them Were Black?

Odd how there's not mention whatsoever concerning the ethnicity of these three hoodlums in the dear old right-on lefty Grauniad.

And where's that gob-shite Dianne Abbott when there's this sort of black kids run amok shit? No fucking where to be seen.

Shame she's not like that ALL of the time.

The Penguin

Secrets Of The Trough

"Don't Worry, We'll Bury The Evidence - Keep Troughing!!!"

Fuck me, do they think we've forgotten or forgiven?

Looks very much like the new gamekeepers have gone native, what a surprise. Look what they did to Ms. Filkin...

The Penguin

What A Disgusting Organisation!

Surely the Roman Catholic Church is the most disgusting organisation in recorded history?

With a history including the genocide of the Cathars, the atrocities of the other Crusades, political intrigue and interference, the charming Inquisition, financial "irregularities", child sex abuse, and now it seems arranging to have young men who complained of being abused castrated as some sort of punishment - and all based on hijacking some perverse death cult involving a supposedly benevolent sky pixie with a major personality disorder?

The Penguin

Our Police Are Wonderful (But Only AFTER The Event)

Isn't it amazing how brilliant ex-cop Bob None-too-Quick used to be, in his own humble estimation?

Such a shame he was brought low by jealous colleagues, fearful of the Tory grandees, when he was busy conducting a fearless investigation into journalists corrupting coppers - errrrr, sorry, when he had fucked up big time by over-stepping the mark to please the cunt in charge of the Home Office over leaks.

Still, good to see that he's happy to shit all over Yates No-Longer-Of-The-Yard....

Hope his limo business now has the right insurances and licences, he might find himself pulled over by a corrupt pissed-off colleague.

The Penguin

Helping Yourself Out Of Poverty

"My Dividend Cheque Was THIS Big!"

Setting a wonderful example of helping herself is Call Me Dave's ex-champion Emma Harrison, who helped herself to a fucking great dividend just before the shit hit the fan about the shenanigins going on with her Arsholes2You company, which specialised in taking large sums of money from the DWP for doing fuck all.

Can't fault her timing.

The Penguin

Cull A Hundred (To Improve Things)

Who would be in your list of one hundred people whose absence from existence would have made Britain a much better place this last 100 years or so?

I know it's a target-rich environment, but go on, have a go....

I'll have a think and see who I come up with myself.

The Penguin

UPDATE: I have thought, and I have looked at your suggestions - and depressingly, one hundred would barely scratch the surface. We'd need to cull tens of thousands of the cunts...

The Ideal Candidate?

There's fucking lucky for the Home Secretary - she won't have to bother with a lot of tedious recruitment hassle and interviews to replace the fucking useless and ugly Lin Homer at UKBA, she can just appoint the now-available fucking useless and ugly cunt Cynthia Bower, fresh from her success in not inspecting Care Homes and Hospitals.*

The Penguin

*aka Where they park old people so no one notices them being starved and poisoned.

What Do These Cunts Have To Do To Get Sacked?

Not Just A Pig Scarer, Grossy Incompetent

You would think that presiding over a series of mega-fuck-ups in every senior job would be some sort of barrier to being continually promoted.

Not in our wonderful Civil Service.

Lin Homer, possibly the most incompetent boss EVER has been promoted from the unfit-for-purpose total cluster-fuck that is the UK Border Agency to head up that bastion of incompetence, Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs.

Maybe she could have lunch with Trougher Hartnett before he fucks off so as to learn how to hold a knife and fork properly?

The Penguin

Once A Self-Serving Cunt, Always A Self-Serving Cunt

Well well, it seems that 'king Arthur Scargill has given up even the slightest pretence of being anything other than a hypocritical cunt out for himself and fuck the miners he was supposed to be working for.

He's deep in litigation against his "beloved" NUM about his ongoing perks and package, despite having presided over the almost total destruction of the miners' union. Amongst the things he's fighting for are his life-time rights to an apartment in the Barbican, which any fool can see is essential for his on-going struggle for the brothers.

It has been said of Mr. Scargill that when he took the top job at the NUM he had a small house and a huge union, but when he left he had a huge house and a small union. Good to know all those union dues paid by the real workers were so well used, isn't it?

The Penguin

That Met Statement In Full

"Right, You Lot - Get Tooled Up, We've Got A Desperate Journalist To Nick!"

The Met said no more than 150 armed officers were involved in each of Saturday's arrests of five Sun journalists at their homes as part of Operation Gnomehome, the investigation into alleged illegal payments to police and other public officials.

Several hundred officers were needed "for the thorough and efficient search of an address, including, where appropriate, specialist search teams", according to Scotland Yard.

It also revealed that it has 1,269 officers and staff working on the three investigations – Operation Gnomehome (661), Operation Weetabix into alleged phone hacking (891) and Operation Tupperware (3,816) into alleged computer hacking.

A detective chief superintendent is overseeing each of the investigations, with Met deputy assistant commissioner Sue Akers having overall responsibility for all three.

"The linked Operations Weetabix, Gnomehome and Tupperware are extremely difficult and complex and tricky and awkward with literally millions and thousands of pieces of documentation and other paperwork needing to be scrutinised and examined and read and spell-checked and all references to police corruption deleted," the Met said in its statement.

"Given the seriousness of the allegations currently under investigation and the significant number of senior police officers whose pensions are at risk, the Met does not believe that the level of resources devoted to the three inquiries is in any way disproportionate to the enormous task in hand.

"The majority have come from Specialist Crime; Territorial Policing and the Directorate of Professional Standards. At no stage has any major investigation been compromised as a result of these deployments. However, we have suspended all work on Crime Prevention, and stopped bothering pretending to investigate burglary or anti-social behaviour. "

"So don't bother dialling 999, we've got more important things to fucking worry about. "

The Penguin

Great Career Move, Whitney

I see that drug-ravaged ex-diva Whitney Houston has taken the advice of her mismanagement and done a Michael Jackson to resurrect flagging sales of the stuff she recorded when she could sing.

This route was pioneered by Jim Reeves and Elvis Presley, who have done extremely well out of being dead.

The drug suppliers meanwhile are having to find new victims.

The Penguin

Save Some Serious Money

Dave and Gideon ought to get a fucking grip and save some serious money by simply sacking all the fuckwit judges who are busy conspiring against the ordinary decent people of this once great country.

There are too many to list, but here's another fine example.

Oh, and find a way of stripping the cunts of their gold-plated fucking pensions while you are at it. With any luck they'll have to get jobs and actually contribute something useful for a fucking change.

The Penguin 

That Capello Statement In Full

"I would like to be able to thank all players, staff and Football Association for the professionalism they have shown during my years as overpaid and crap manager of the English National Team," Capello said in a short statement. "The problem is that I can't, as fuck all of them know which way to sit on a lavatory, let alone how to play the diamond formation or anything other than route one or the fucking 4-4-2. Trying to keep them out of the bar proved a real problem, especially when those free-loaders from the FA were around paying for drinks with the corporate credit cards. As for that complete cunt John Terry, I give him an other chance and not only has he let the team down yet again, he's cost me my fucking job!

A very special thanks to both of the supporters: they've sometimes supported the team and me in our job. I wish the rest of them every chance of getting cancer of the bowels rather than success in achieving all their sporting goals.

Still, now I can go home and work on my sun-tan while my investment team count all that lovely money. Ciao!"

The Penguin

Voice In The Wilderness

Rest In Peace, Ray Honeyford.


Truly a voice in the wilderness, and like Enoch Powell you had your words twisted and used to crucify you, when you were in fact just telling it like it was.

Shame on the whole educational and political establishments, traitors the fucking lot of them.

The Penguin