The K-K-K-K-K-k-k-k-k-k-king's Sp-Sp-Speech Effect To B-B-B-B-Blame

Ed "Talking" Balls has at last explained how he is absolutely totally not to blame for any of the complete fuck-ups committed while he was "helping" McDoom at the Treasury.

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but Ch-Ch-Ch-Chancellor, we're b-b-b-b-b-b" "Brilliant!"

It seems that Jonah was too impatient to let poor Blinky actually finish a complete sentence, and would effectively put his own words into his adviser's mouth.

It went like this.

Ed: "Sell the Gold? That's a f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-ffff-f
Jonah "Fantastic Idea! Right, we'll do it!!"

Ed: "Ramp up spending to record levels? That would be really st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st-st
McDoom: "Stupendous! Let's get cracking!"

I think you can get the drift...

The Penguin

Yet Another Triumph For Sandwell Borough Council!

Shithole with added Shit, as Brown visits Tipton.


You may well recall Sandwell Borough Council, which has featured in articles by the excellent Raccoon.

To prevent trouble flaring up at an English Defence League rally against an unwanted mosque they spend thousands of pounds taking 19 asian youths deemed likely to become involved in anti-social behaviour on a day trip to Blackpool's Pleasure Beach. Along with 5 social workers and a policeman.

Once there a group of five of the muslims attacked a man who objected to their racist chanting, leaving him unconscious. At the time of the violence, two of the gang were on bail for a hammer attack in Tipton that took place three months before the Blackpool incident.


What the fuck was the policeman doing? Or the social workers? Or were they joining in with the fun so as to not offend their "clients"?

Hope the ratepayers are pleased with the way the council spend their money.

The Penguin

Crocodile Tears?

Much as I regret the death of Ian Tomlinson and sincerely hope that the police officer responsible gets what he deserves, I find it rather sickening that the widow is so publicly bereft and distressed. She's lost her soul-mate, her rock, her best friend in all the world, and can hardly be sufficiently comforted by all the media attention.

Is this the same Ian Tomlinson who was living in a hostel and described as homeless because his wife had thrown him out because of his drinking?

The Penguin

No More Boom And Bust, Lots More Book And Bounce!

Seems the member for Fife can't be arsed doing the job he is over-paid for, but he is more than ready to swan round the world giving of his wisdom to those prepared to cough up money. Sadly, as taxpayers we get to pay for his security...

Still, it's good to know that he creates goodwill and enhances his towering reputation on his travels.

The Penguin

Big Deal, Check His Shoes As Well!

Sikh With Turban, Sikh With Baseball Cap

Jeev Milkha Singh, India's top golfer was born in Chandigarh, India, in a Sikh Rajput[1] family to Indian Olympic athlete Milkha Singh and Nirmal Kaur, former captain of the Indian women's volleyball team.[2] He lives in Chandigarh. According to good old wikipedia, anyway.

So, he's a Sikh - as is his golfing coach, Amritinder Singh.

So what the fucking hell is all the fuss about asking Amritinder Singh to take his turban off as part of a security check at Milano airport?

Because it is clear from the photograph that not wearing a fucking turban isn't a fucking issue.

Just curious, before fragrant Felicity starts banging the racism drum!

The Penguin

Gaddafi Needs A Decent Spokesman

This bloke was first rate.

The Penguin

Motorists! Beware The Weasel At The Wheel!!

"Ethics? Isn't that in East Anglia?"

 A new danger has emerged to worry UK motorists.


Jack The Weasel is taking driving lessons to re-learn how to drive, because after so many years of being sat in the back of a ministerial limousine he's forgotten how to drive.

Once he has mastered the Highway Code and clutch control, he is looking to take lessons in telling the truth, acting in an honourable way, and displaying morals.

We predict complete failure on the last three.

The Penguin

No Wonder Teflon Tony's Away A Lot!

Well, wouldn't you prefer to be far, far away, as often as possible?

The Penguin

Nothing To See Here, Move Along...

Sir Huge Ordure

I got bored after a while. Still, good to know that the Chief Cunstable currently in charge of an unaccountable publicly funded cash cow private limited company seemingly in charge of our Plod has grabbed himself a 27% payrise.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1366732/Does-really-need-60-police-officers-including-lion-vet-30-hours-round-dangerous-dogs.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1366543/Smiley-Culture-stabs-death-house-raid.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1366401/Sisters-aged-4-6-10-threatened-arrest-picking-daffodils-park.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1366551/Married-police-officer-howls-like-baby-jailed-having-sex-vulnerable-woman-beat.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1366738/Two-men-shot-dead-near-caravan-park.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1366774/Two-policemen-crashed-drink-drivers-Mitsubishi-joyride-pulling-over.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/met-fears-release-of-evidence-would-hurt-phonehacking-case-2242907.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/protester-arrested-on-false-grounds-2241867.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/pc-guilty-of-windowpush-assault-2241467.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/deepcut-families-call-for-inquiry-after-review-criticises-police-2240528.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/boy-of-15-had-arm-broken-while-held-in-custody-2239767.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/cover-up-claim-as-daniel-morgan-axe-case-folds-2239189.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/news-and-comment/cole-escapes-police-charge-for-shooting-2237346.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/police-officers-pocket-38-billion-in-overtime-2234529.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/inspectors-condemn-west-midlands-police-cells-2232130.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/no-action-against-police-who-bungled-hacking-case-2230651.html

The Penguin

Do Your Own Dirty Work

I've got some advice for the Arab League who are busy calling for a No Fly Zone over Libya to prevent the mad bastard Gaddafi using his airforce to exterminate those who dislike his loony rule.

Do it your fucking selves. With all those aeroplanes you bought from BAE Systems of Death (with added bribes).

Then you won't have to complain about fucking Crusaders accidentally killing civilians, or Zionists stealing your fucking camels.

The Penguin

Protecting The Public Purse?

Eugene Sullivan who needs a granny-trolley for his wages.

The Audit Commission needs to be axed, immediately. It is obviously completely unfit for purpose or we wouldn't be constantly hearing of fresh examples of government and local authority waste and excess.

And it is taking the piss, paying extras and allowances to boost the package of it's internally promoted chief executive to a disgraceful £250,000 in defiance of Fatty Pickles refusal to sanction advertising for an external candidate with a salary of £240,00 "to attract a good candidate".

No one would miss this bunch of charlatans and wasters.

The Penguin

Dolphin Murderers And Whale Slaughterers

Can't really get too sorry for the Japanese.

The Penguin

What A Pair Of Cunts!

Doing rather more than their fair share to advance the cause of "Gay Rights" these unpleasant turd burglars who claimed it was never about the money seem to have forgotten all pretence of so-called principle.

Worst of all, they are being backed by the taxpayer-funded Equality and Human Rights Commission.

High time the axe fell on that stupifyingly perverse quango.

The Penguin

Quote Of The Day

"no discernible mental activity"

The Penguin

Shami's Shame

"Oh Bugger - My Halo's A Bit Tarnished!"

What a shame - liitle Shami's got her hands all mucky with blood-money.


"Yesterday, leading human rights activist Shami Chakrabarti spoke of her ‘bucketfuls’ of embarrassment and regret over the scandal engulfing the LSE.


Miss Chakrabarti, head of the civil rights pressure group Liberty, is a member of the LSE’s ruling council which accepted the money from Saif Gaddafi.

She said: ‘The council has been completely united in its regret. As a human rights campaigner I can only share bucketfuls of both.’ "

I bet it won't stop her being a pain in the fucking arse.

The Penguin

A Good Friend Of The Family

"That Muammar, he's such a laugh! A real practical joker! I once saw him shoot a bloke stone dead just for not getting out of his way quick enough. He has a really good relationship with his people, I'm convinced they would all die for him, one way or another.

And he has such a wonderful and close-knit family, all so supportive and loyal. That Saif, the one who spends a lot of time and money in London, he's a really nice lad. He even bought his PhD in London, you can't say fairer than that, a real friend to the UK!"

The Penguin

Pisspoor Leadership, Pisspoor Performance

Dave and Melissa enjoy a £8,000 Indian (at your expense!)

The cluster-fuck that is Her Majesty's Customs & Revenue continues to attract headlines.

Seems incompetence is rife, morale is below rock-bottom, and as ever it's the taxpayer who gets shafted.


None of this stops those at the top from enjoying the perks of office, though.

Meanwhile at the coal-face their website is barely functional, local offices are closed, and if you do manage to get through their ghastly telephone screening and speak to a real person you find that they are employing the sort of people that Tesco have rejected as being completely useless.

The Penguin

The Miraculous Turnaround

 Well Known Magician Paul Daniels

Call me a cynical old flightless bird, but I am not one tiny bit surprised at the miraculous "improvement" in Lloyds TSB's results, from a £6.2BILLION loss in 2009 to a £2.2BILLION profit in 2010.

It's a classic ploy. Senior management can see that there is an opportunity to have a massive clearout of all the "problems" without getting any blame because of some external calamity or an unusual situation, such as the "banking collapse" or some take-over or other. So not only do you recognise and write-off all the known issues, you also recognise and write-off through the P&L account a good few extra provisional possible maybe problems. This then gives you a very handy cushion going forward, ensuring bonuses and promotions all round as the "recovery" takes place under your wise and brilliant stewardship.

What's the bottom line? What ever the directors want it to be, of course.

Some Banker Or Other

The Penguin

Our High Representative Takes Action

"I've placed a ban on the export of rubber bands to Algeria!"

(Baroness) " Catherine Ashton, EU foreign policy chief Catherine Ashton has said the European Union should consider "restrictive measures" against Libya.

Ashton, speaking this morning ahead of a meeting of EU defence ministers in Hungary later, told reporters the EU would look at travel bans and asset freezes in the next few days. The UN Security Council is meeting later today to discuss the possibility of sanctions.

"For the EU it's time to consider what we call restrictive measures ... to ensure we put as much pressure as possible to try and stop the violence in Libya and see the country move forward," she told reporters.

She said EU defence ministers would discuss how they can best collaborate on the issue.
"I don't think at this point there's any discussion about any sort of military action around Libya," Ashton added. "

Fucking hell, if I was Gaddafi I'd be seriously fucking worried now.

Stupid useless over-paid twat, chosen by the one-eyed bogey muncher.

The Penguin

No Wonder They Look A Bit Porky!

"I Can Recommend The Pork Fillet!"

The resemblance between senior officers at the Met and the porkers down on Jimmy's farm - the straining collars trying not to either burst or strangle the Commisars, that well-fed shiny pinkness, the little piggy eyes almost lost in rolls of lard - seems to be explained by all the eating they have to do in the call of duty.

After all, without hoovering up all that News Corp Chateaubriand and washing it down with Lafitte and Latour, how else would they be able to bring such serious miscreants as Clive Goodman and Glen Mulcaire to justice (while heroically ignoring the bigger and smellier fish)?

Nothing to see here, officer, kindly move along and shoot an electrician on the underground, or bash some demonstrator to death. I'm sure it will get reported in the best possible light, know what I mean?

The Penguin

PS - Seems that Inspector Knacker is being forced to take this a bit more seriously now. If only I had a white-wash factory....

No, Jacqui, Not Because You Are A Woman

Sadly They Are Not Arresting Her

Poor Jacqui Timney. The housewife from Redditch who achieved fame and fortune as a Member of Parliament and Cabinet Minister thanks to her creative designation of "main home" and her carelessness in submitting claims for hubbie's pornography seems unable to grasp the reality of the situation.

She thinks she was subjected to unwarranted scrutiny because she was a woman.

Wrong, Jacqui, you were subjected to entirely reasonable scrutiny because you were a public servant, and that scrutiny found that you are a thief.

Sadly you have managed to get away with it - there was an MP in exactly your circumstances who was forced to resign and pay every penny back, so you got off fucking scot free you moaning bitch.

The Penguin

One Is Judged By The Company You Keep

Looks like Teflon Tone's best friend in Libya is not quite the warm hearted liberal friend of democracy (and oil deals) that he made him out to be.

Still, never mind, WPC Fletcher's killer and the fall-guy for the Lockerbie killings are safe enough.

Maybe if you wash and wash those hands, Tone, the blood won't show?

The Penguin

What's That Awful Smell?

Sir Sherard Cowper-Coles, Laughing All The Way To The Bank

Well. What a fucking surprise! The senior diplomat who was instrumental in getting Inspector Knacker to drop the corruption and bribery investigation and prosecution of BAE, those well-loved merchants of death, has been given a well-paid job (to add to his gold plated diamond-encrusted pension) by BAE.

Nothing to see here, officer, move along now - hold your nose if you like. Fucking rank stench of corruption will soon blow over, plenty more where that came from but the media will soon be distracted by a cross-eyed dog or Jordan's new tattoo.

The Penguin

The Fuckwittery Continues

Different Boss, Same As The Old Boss

The Home Office seems to be incapable of becoming fit for purpose. Following the hiving off to the Ministry Of Justice of the things John "Fuck It" Reid thought were simply too difficult, and the inspired leadership of Jacqui "Box Room" Smith, all it has to look after is crime fighting, public order, and our borders.

The wankers come and go, both Secretaries of State and their senior civil servants, but no one seems able to get a grip and make sense out of the clusterfuck.

Now the UKBA are trying to deport a tax-paying hard-working (until sacked for nopt having the right papers!) nurse, while failing to deport criminals and asylum seekers who are left undisturbed to commit more crimes than enough. Or maybe it's all a cunning plan to ensure that they and their colleagues are seen as needed because of all the crime?

Sack the fucking lot of them and start again.

The Penguin

Larry Gets His First Rat

Downing Street's new mouser has proved he is no puss-over.

His first victim was a two-legged rodent, who should have known better!

The Penguin