What They Said

Shahid Malik: "I'm as straight as they come"

Hazel Blears: “I have heard absolutely the outrage and the anger that the public feel about what has been going on. I would never do anything to let down the people that I represent and serve and that is the most important thing for me. It isn’t just enough to claim within the law, that is why I have decided to send to the inland revenue a cheque. "

Douglas Hogg: "I have never claimed for the moat, or for the piano tuning - the allegation that I did is incorrect. I never claimed for these and I never received any money."

Lembit Opik: "I may have been within the rules. It's equivocal.

Peter Mandelson: "Perhaps we need not more people looking round more corners but the same people looking round more corners more thoroughly to avoid the small things detracting from the big things the Prime Minister is getting right."

Andrew George: "This story's main allegation appears to be that I have a London flat that is sometimes visited by my daughter, who lives elsewhere in London."

Chris Huhne: “My aim on second home claims has always been to avoid controversy, which is why they are 17 per cent of the allowable maximum and rank me as 580th out of the 620 MPs entitled to claim the allowance.”

Richard Younger-Ross: "I was given no advice on how to spend my allowances for living in London, except that it should not include luxury or antique items. However, what I did not at the time consider to be luxury items, and what the House of Commons did not advise me were luxury items, clearly now are considered as such."

Tam Dalyell: "I did not want cheap bookcases."

Mark Lazarowicz: "Why on earth am I bothering to pay back the money?"

Clare Short: "I was embarrassed and irritated that it took the fees office so long to pick this up."

Alan Duncan: "A good reputation is far more important to me than being able to claim expenses under the flawed system that exists. I would far rather, given the understandable anger that people feel, return the money I have been permitted to claim and pay the bills myself."
Margaret Beckett: “When you are particularly busy you don’t always do things properly.”

Teresa May: “Unfortunately what happened was there was an assumption from a lot of MPs that the money was there and in some sense it was there as an allowance that they were entitled to rather than as expenses, and that was wrong.”

Michael Gove: “I do believe there were one or two occasions where I spent more money than I
should have.”

Jack Straw: “Accountancy does not appear to be my strongest suit.”

Margaret Moran: “I have to have a proper family life and I can’t do that unless I share the costs of the Southampton home with him.”

Alistair Darling: “The claims were made within House of Commons rules which were designed to reflect the fact that MPs have to meet the cost of living in two places.”

Lord Mandleson: “The fact is that these allowances would not have been paid if they weren’t within the rules.”

James Arbuthnot: “The claims were an error of judgment on my part.”
The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

Two useless old cunts, both tainted by thievery and socialism (it's the same thing)

Tam "Belgrano" Dalyell.

Discredited Cunt.

The Penguin

What A Greedy Trough-Pig!

2 discredited corrupt cunts. Shame only one is dead.

"Sir" Gerald Kaufman, knighted for services to troughing, tried to claim for a television costing a staggering £8,865 and gobbled his way through nearly £20,000 of food at the taxpayers' expense in just 4 years.

He threatened and complained and whinged to try and bully the civil servants to accept his outrageous claims.

What an odious little git.

The Penguin

Some Strange Friends

Did I mention that I have some very strange friends?

The Penguin

Eight Pointless Things

I usually ignore stuff like this, but since I was shat on by the great Leg Iron, I have decided to take it as an honour, and inform you of 8 pointless things about me.

1. I'm not actually a flightless bird.

2. I have a degree in Education.

3. I have no A-levels.

4. I used to be a Dean's Chorister of Norwich Cathedral.

5. I prefer "Leffe Blonde" to Carlsberg.

6. I hate petty minded people. In fact, I'm going to make a list of them.

7. I am apparently a dead ringer for Brad Pitt in "Snatch" (but not in "Troy", sadly.)

8. I have to wear a penguin-suit for a birthday party tomorrow evening. I hope it still fits.

Now for 4 victims. I nominate The Scumbag Times, Old Holborn, Ranting Rab C Nesbitt, and Tory Poppins.

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

Mark Lazarowicz

Stupid Cunt.

The Penguin

They Should Widen The Investigation!

"Is It Because I'm Black?"

The investigation into whether trough-pig Shahid Malik breached the ministerial code over his rent arrangements should be widened to include looking into whether the Malik family of Blackburn were involved in the fairly widespread grooming of under age white girls for sex by Pakistani boys and men.

Just to prove his innocence, of course.

The Penguin

Now Resign As An MP And Let Your Constituents Decide!

Top trougher Shahid "Oooh, My Back!" Malik has resigned as Justice Minister over misuse of his expenses or his position.

Now he needs to resign as MP for Dewsbury, that delightful home to Sharon Matthews, and see if his constituents believe he is fit to represent them in Parliament.

The Penguin

Hardly Surprising He's Got A Bad Back!

40 year old "justice" minister Shahid Malik claimed £750 for a special massage chair because he has a bad back.

Looking at photographs of his 24 year old wife, Sundus Sheikh, I can understand how that might be the case.

The Penguin

Party Political Broadcast

Thanks to Crown Blogspot

The Penguin

Constituents Are Rightly Furious

"Bottom Of The League, And It's His Fucking Fault!"

Kettering's voters have expressed their outrage at their MP, Phillip Hollobone.

An angry 37 year old shoplifter called Peter told our reporter "He's a fucking disgrace! He's making Kettering look fucking stupid, innit?"

Unemployed local chav 22 year old Charlene said "I'm not voting for the cunt, he's obviously too fucking stupid to fiddle his expenses!"

Market researcher Kylie, 28, was unimpressed. "Look how many people the rest employ, and he does it all himself, it's just greedy, he could be getting local people employed."

Mr. Hollobone himself was too busy being an honest and hard working MP to comment.

The Penguin

The Daily Mail Sinks To New Depths

I am shocked - the Daily Mail is trying to take a high moral tone over MP's expense troughing, but wants its readers to cough up donations to a fund to prosecute the worst offenders if plod bottle it.

Surely if the Mail wants to mount a campaign it can use its own money?

I wonder if the Taxpayers' Alliance realised that donations were going to be asked for when they got involved?

The Penguin

Justice Minister Milking The System

"You Can't Criticise Me, I'm A Minority!"

Justice Minister Shahid Malik certainly makes sure he gets every penny he can screw out of the taxpayer, and it seems he is also not averse to screwing his friendly landlord either, paying him well below the market rate for the Dewsbury property he spends weekends at.

The house he bought in South London 4 years before becoming an MP has been designated as his second home. It must have been very uncomfortable for poor Shahid living there before he got onto the gravy train and was able to spend taxpayers' money on furnishing and equipping it.
Still, he's probably fireproof, being ethnic and moslem and the postal vote and all.

The Penguin

Worst Case Of Suicide Coroner Had Ever Seen?

"Well, I'm sure that if you shot me through the head it would make no difference!"

Just how the fuck can you commit suicide by shooting yourself in the head twice with an army rifle set on single shot mode, with one wound on each side of your head? Doesn't sound possible to me. Did the first bullet go straight through your head but miss anything vital, like a brain? Did it not cause massive shock and trauma even if it did miss the brain? So, you just think, Oh Well, Second Time Lucky, recock the weapon, and then think - hey, maybe I'll do better shooting myself through the head from the other side....

To add to the likelihood, three of your colleagues have topped themselves at the same barracks in similar fashion over a short period of time.
Yet oddly enough, that's what the government want you to think happened. Armed Forces Minister Bob "Knobhead" Ainsworth, whose only job outside politics was helping as a marxist trade union reptile ruining the British motor industry in the seventies, insists that despite the release of new evidence with the publication of the Army's own Board Of Inquiry Reports the whitewash will continue.

Sooner or later the truth will come out, you idiot. What are you hiding? Who are you protecting?

The Penguin

More Rights But No Laws For Pikeys?

It seems a gang of five pikeys has seriously vandalised a police helicopter after threatening staff in the control room.

What is the police response? "It seems we must have flown too low over their site and annoyed them."

This seems to be a rather different response than that handed out to innocent demonstrators in London recently. Has there been a change in the law? Are pikeys now completely outside of the criminal law as well as planning regulations?

The Penguin

Hoon Of The Day

"Sir" Bob Geldorf

Sanctimonious Cunt.

The Penguin

Poor Elliot Morley, Early Onset Alzheimers Case?

An ugly fat porker. With a pig and some woman.

It's sad how there are enormous but patchy black holes in some of our politicians' memories. Perhaps it's an excess of aluminium in the water supplied to the Houses of Parliament, or an over exposure to taxpayer subsidised first growth claret in its many bars, or maybe it's a symptom of swine fever?

I mean, take dear Elliot "Pig Face" Morley as an example. Here's a fine upstanding Nuliebore Minister, working all night and day to sell out our farmers and fishermen to the EUSSR, slaving away to ensure he has the most troughing rights he can possibly get. And the poor chap is suddenly afflicted with the most terrible memory lapses. He's already forgotten that he owes a duty to the electorate, or to the nation, and then it gets worse.

He forgets that he's paid off his mortgage, even though he has made sure to register with Land Registry that he now owns his country pile outright. The he forgets that his London property is being rented out to his pal, and charges for mortgage interest on that as well as trousering the rent.

Luckily it all comes flooding back to him when he is asked by journalists.

A miracle of modern science. Almost as convincing as Ernest Saunders recovery once released from prison.

The Penguin

Third Batch Of Eurofighters? Definitely, Until Cancelled Later.

Announcements are cheap to make.

It's why Nuliebore repeat them ad nauseam, especially if they hope to grab a headline, or even bribe an electorate as with the new Aircraft Carriers, later quietly postponed.

So with the launch of their doomed local government and EUSSR election campaign, Jonah goes for the cheap headline, "protecting jobs" in ...where was he? Oh, Derby, home to Roll Royce Aero Engines. What a coincidence!!!

But notice the small print, as it were - subject to successfully negotiating = we'll drop it later and blame the French and the Germans.

The Penguin

Poor Kate May Have To Do A Jowell?

"Look, He's Already Got The Jowells!"

It seems that Dolly's stupidity and unpleasantness are adversely impacting fragrant Kate's career prospects.

There is a way out of this problem, Kate, my dear, just follow Tessa Jowell's example and have a career-saving marital separation.

At least in your case your husband is not facing Italian Jail Time if you should try for a romantic tryst in Venice!

The Penguin

Painful Payback Time For Trough PIgs

"Of Course I'm Sorry, And I'll Be Even Sorrier If I Have To Pay It Back!"

Paying back the proceeds of crime doesn't mean that criminals escape being prosecuted, and I sincerely hope that there is no let of for our disgraced politicians who can be proved to have commited fraud and theft, rather than just taking advantage of a lax system.

So I am fairly cool with Cameron coughing up for the one maintenance bill of £680, or even with Chris Huhne's trouser press. Elliot Morley's "inadvertent" and ongoing despite queries from the fees office claiming for an already paid off mortgage is in a different category.

What is also going to be fun is watching the likes of Banana Millipede and Badger Darling being forced by Mad Harriet's Court Of Public Opinion into following the example of their colleague Phil "No" Hope into paying back what they claimed that might be considered excessive or dodgy.

I expect it will be painful for these Champagne Socialists.

The Penguin

Even When They Fuck Off, They Trough!

I had no idea of the extent of the feather-bedding of MPs on retirement or losing office.

But I am not surprised that the road block to reform is once again the Shop Steward For Troughing.

Yet another disgraceful benefit for our elected representatives, far removed from ordinary commercial realities. How many of those losing their jobs in the current Gordon McBroom-fuelled recession will get anything like this sort of golden goodbye? Unless they are Sir Fred Goodwin and his ilk, of course.

The Penguin

Is This For Real? Local Government Ombudsman Forced To Investigate Why Canterbury Is Not Gay Enough?

What is the country coming to?

Some Poof Pressure Group is upset because Canterbury has no gay bar. The nearest is apparently in Margate, and so there is no where in the ancient city for would be bum chums to gather and display "LBGT culture". Their complaint to the City Council got them nowhere apart from £4,000 of ratepayers' money, so now they have complained to the Local Government Ombudsman.

Never mind a fucking gay bar, bring back the stocks!

I don't give a toss what consenting adults want to get up to, but when they think they have a right to my fucking money to help them promote perversion, they can fuck right off.

The Penguin

Very Convenient, All That Shredding

Only Needs An Apple In His Mouth

Call me a cynical old Penguin if you must, but I do not see the convenient shredding all of expense claims and receipts prior to 2005 as good housekeeping. It is blatant cover-up.

Companies and individuals are required by law to keep record for 6 years.

The shredding, ordered by that fat Scottish Trough Pig Speaker Martin in the face of requests under the Freedom Of Information Act, was on the face of it illegal.

Worse, they managed "accidentally" to destroy Tony Bliar's expense claims and receipts even before the massed shredding was ordered, although they were subject to a specific FOI request.

Just coincidence? Do you still believe in Father Christmas?

The Penguin

Fuck Me, He Even Looks Like An Ugly Pig!

“I do not believe any offence has been committed."

Elliot Morley should be facing prosecution for fraud and theft.

How on earth could this blatant troughing be a "mistake"? You don't just forget that you've paid your fucking mortgage off!!

The Penguin

Corruption, Corruption - Fish Rot From The Head.

Do you suppose that the welter of corruption headlines lately could be related to the example being set by out elected and unelected representatives in Parliament?

After all fish rot from the head.

As well the the Westminster Gravy Train, Cash For Honours, Dodgy Donations, Amazingly Short Sentences For Muslim Peer, Legislation For Sale, we now find that a head teacher at some flagship school in Brent has been suspended over allegations of million pound bonus fraud.

Naturally they tried to silence the whistleblower.

Equally naturally, it seems that there's a whiff of Africa and India about this. The bursar Columbus Udokoro is also suspended, and the head of the governors is a Dr. I P Patel. I wonder if he's a friend of Keith Vaz?

I'm pretty sure I deleted a load of emails from Columbus Udokoro the other year, all of them offering me an amazing deal if I just helped him getting some money out of Nigeria. Or it may have been a very similar name.

Still, it's very reassuring to know that Ed Balls in on the case.

The Penguin