The Ranting Penguin

Please, Don't Pay Cash Says "Gobbler" Hartnett

2012-01-27T13:07:00.001Z

Laughing All The Way To The Demi-Tasse

Dave "The Gobbler" Hartnett, nominated for the Nobel Prize For Dining Out At Your Expense, is imploring hard-up households not to pay cash to tradesmen and cleaners as it is damaging the economy.

"Please, don't hand over your hard-won cash. Use an Amex Platinum Card, or maybe get a large tax efficient offshore corporation to pick up the tab. Works for me!"

The Penguin

Cheer Up, Says Sir Mervyn King

2012-01-25T14:06:00.000Z

Don't be downcast, it may be the worst depression since records began, and the whole world faces years of misery, but for Sir Mervyn King there are plenty of reasons to be cheerful.

For example, he's already got a knighthood and the promise of a fucking peerage (or he'll start digging up some of those bodies buried by the ~~whitewash~~ report into banking regulation).

Plus he's got a fucking brilliant book deal lined up.

And he's secretly on the books of the same agency who arrange Tony Bliar's after-dinner ~~money-making~~ speeches.

Then there's his copper-bottomed inflation-proof mega-pension, ( which he has arranged will be paid in gold rather than the rubbish sterling notes he's been busy printing for the proles. )

So cheer up, Merv's doing great.

The Penguin

Highest Standards Of Probity?

2012-01-22T18:26:00.000Z

Fuck me, doesn't it just turn your stomach when that useless self-serving traitor and EUSSR-cocksucker Nick Clegg claims that the government insists on the highest standards of probity amongst ministers?

He's only angling to replace that cunt Huhne when he's charged with perverting the course of justice with that cunt David Laws who should be serving time for stealing from the tax-payer to pay rent to his bum-chum.

Probity?

The Penguin

That Osama Bin-And-Got-Himself-Shot Mission in 3D

2012-01-15T17:03:00.000Z

The DVD in 3D is a big hit amongst folk in social housing...

With special guest Harry Hill, apparently!

The Penguin

Sunk Like The Italian Economy

2012-01-14T16:45:00.000Z

Whoops!!

Still, it could have been so much worse - apparently passengers were relieved that Bunga Bunga Berlesconi was not the resident crooner on this cruise...

The Penguin

Cameron The Brave!

2012-01-12T09:44:00.000Z

What ever else you might have to say about Call Me Dave Cameron, you have to admire his courage. Or his optimism. Or both.

After all, there's a great deal of truth in the old saw about checking out the mother before marrying the daughter.

The Penguin

At Last!! A Surprise Triumph For Ed Milipede

2012-01-07T17:09:00.001Z

Congratulations to Ed "Backstabber" Milipede, who has been voted Political Gormless Gurner Of The Year 2011 (by a panel of completely unbiased fish-eating flightless birds).

This will be a surprise to Ed, who had not actually entered the competition.

The Penguin

( Many thanks to Guido for the montage )

Gunboat Diplomacy 21st Century Style

2012-01-07T11:23:00.000Z

"Left Hand Down A Bit!"

I bet the Ayattollahs and Mad Mullahs are quaking in their fucking sandals.

The Royal Gravy have announced the despatch of their "mightiest" ship, a class 45 Destroyer to the Gulf to replace a class 23 Frigate.

The Mighty HMS Daring's main and only popgun is the tired old 4.45 inch Mark 8 that was so crap in the Falklands conflict it needed modification to make it as reliable as the WW2-era Mark V it replaced. This is bound to terrify the Iranians, as they know all about it as one of the very first Mark 8's was sold to them on a frigate in 1971. Such cutting edge technology is sure to shock and awe...

Backing up this mighty weapon are no less (and no more!) than 48 missiles. What the fuck do they use once they've been used? Oh, right, they have a helicopter...and a few machine guns.

I'm sure this will also impress the Americans, whose 5th Fleet includes a fully functional Nimitz class aircraft carrier, the nuclear powered USS John C Stennis, complete with a full complement of aircraft (nine fucking squadrons of them!) - and they are not so daft as to let on how many missiles and stuff they are packing.

What's that buzzing noise?

Probably Nelson turning in his grave....

The Penguin

Who Let This Pair Into The Country?

2012-01-05T17:18:00.000Z

Who on earth let this evil pair into the country, and why?

And is there any hope at all of ever getting rid of them?

The Penguin

Don't Forget The Context

2012-01-05T15:27:00.000Z

Those folk who are calling for Dianne Abbott to be sacked from her post as Shadow Token Fat Black Woman should at least try to put her unfortunate twittering and inept attempts to explain and justify herself into context.

This is an overweight hypocritical middle-aged single parent who suffers from being over-promoted and made allowances for throughout her entire life.

She bitched about Mad Hattie sending her children to private schools and then did exactly that herself.

She is a prime trough-pig, even neglecting to mention large wads of extras she got from being a media whore.

She claimed West Indian mothers are superior to others, which probably explains all those young black gangsters killing each other.

She is quick to play the race card whislt being casually racist herself, claiming that blue-eyed blonde nurses from Scandinavia shouldn't work in Hackney hospitals as they had never seen a black person before.

She claimed that voters in Hackney didn't want a white old man.

So, putting what the fat old bag said in the context of what has gone before, who the fuck could be surprised?

The Penguin

The Bankers' Forgery Exposed

2012-01-02T18:45:00.000Z

Read This.

The Penguin

At Last Some Good News About Bankers

2012-01-01T10:54:00.000Z

See You In Court!

Seems that action is being taken in New York to sue some of the cunts responsible for the Lloyds HBOS fiasco, and that there may also be action in the UK on behalf of shareholders, who saw the value of their investment decimated once the cat got out of the bag.

Let's hope it triggers more legal action, there are loads of guilty targets, includingthe regulators who failed to act, and the fuckwits who set up the useless regulatory system.

I do hope this heralds a wonderful 2012 for Gordoom McBroon and his henchmen, notably Ed Blinky Balls...

The Penguin

Treacherous Bastard Still Lying To Protect His "Reputation"

2011-12-30T10:59:00.000Z

"My masters in Brussels have instructed me to get rid of Margaret Thatcher"

Lord Howe, the erstwhile Chancellor whose treachery and disloyalty was largely responsible for stabbing Margaret Thatcher in the back and bringing about the demise of the best Prime Minister this country has had in living memory, is desperately trying to weasel his way out of the official records of his time in office.

He is claiming that his written advice to abandon Liverpool to "managed decline" in favour of potentially more productive areas such as the West Midlands or the North East is somehow not the sort of thing he would have done, especially as a Merseyside MP.

What a filthy bit of shit he is. I wonder if the good folk of Liverpool will take kindly to these revelations - I don't suppose the weasel still has a home there now he doesn't need their votes to keep his snout in the trough.

The Penguin

Saving Money At The Sales

2011-12-28T14:31:00.000Z

Excellent News from Oxford Street!

The tax-payer has saved a small fortune in not having to pay to have black teenage gangster and shoplifter banged up in prison and kept on a life-time of benefits. Result!!

Probably loads more saved in not having to support a whole raft of illegitimate bastards he could have fathered as well.

All in all, quite pleasing.

The Penguin

Time To Apologise, Tam Dalyell

2011-12-26T12:57:00.001Z

At last the proof is out in the open, that the sinking of the Belgrano was perfectly valid and justified as it was obeying Agentinian orders to proceed into the exclusion zone, not sailing for port as some have erroneously claimed.

High time that sanctimonious and hypocritical Scottish windbag and expense trougher "Tam Dalyell" made a very humble apology to Margaret Thatcher.

Fat chance, of course, these champagne socialists are incapable of admitting they were wrong, and the Scottish variety are the very worst sort.

The Penguin

PS Actually Sir Thomas Dalyell Loch, 11th Baronet

Super Mario

2011-12-24T11:59:00.000Z

The Penguin

Happy Christmas, You Huhne!

2011-12-24T10:39:00.000Z

Fingers crossed that the wankers at the CPS don't bottle it, it's a open and shut case.

Shame that the Huhne is unlikely to face doing a stretch, though.

The Penguin

Quick!! Build Boris Island and Leave The EUSSR

2011-12-20T17:18:00.000Z

The fuckwits at the EUSSR commissariat are trying to tax global airlines over their carbon footprints.

Golden Opportunity Knocks!!

Build Boris Island only even bigger, and link it into another Channel Tunnel (without letting any Frogs or Jeeermans have any shares). Leave the EUSSR and clean up, as we'd not only have all the banking transactions and financialservices, we'd have all the flights as well. Landing fees, duty frees, jobs....

Come on, Dave, get with the moment!

The Penguin

Covering Up The Cover Up

2011-12-20T14:30:00.000Z

It's always the cover-up that gets them in the end.

We've now had the cover-up of the cover-up of the white-wash.

Sooner or later the truth will out. Keep Sweating, Bliar.

The Penguin

The Kim Is Dead, Long Live The Kim

2011-12-19T16:59:00.000Z

Odd how so-called "communist" North Korea seem to have an aristocracy and hereditary rights to the throne for the "royal" family.

While their people starve, the presumably well-fed military keep the Kims in power.

Now that poor old fruit-cake Kim Jog Off has popped his clogs - probably through over-indulgence in lobsters and fine French wines - the fat-faced Kim Jog On takes his place.

Weird.

The Penguin

Awww, The Poor Trough Pig Is "Unfit" To Plead

2011-12-16T11:17:00.000Z

Doesn't it just wrench at your heart-strings to see how poor little trough-pig Margaret Moron has let herself go since the expenses scandal?

I mean, I don't think she was that fit in the first place, personally, but she's definitely on the untouchable list now.

The Penguin

Another Beneficial Side Effect

2011-12-12T13:45:00.000Z

Wanker's Cramp Demonstrated

Apart from being enormously welcome as a step on the path to telling the EUSSR to fuck off and die horribly, Dave's veto has had a very beneficial side effect.

It has shown up just what a two-faced spineless cowardly treacherous traitorous cunt Nick Clegg really is.

Come the time for the boot to be put in, he's given all of his political opponents silver-plated bullets to shoot him with. He really is a light-weight even amongst the likes of Saint Vince and That (Other) Cunt Huhne.

The Penguin

Another Incompetent Turd Keeps Floating To The Top

2011-12-10T11:37:00.000Z

Christ On A Bike, just how do these fuckwits keep a job, let alone keep getting promoted?

Dave "Free Lunches" Hartnet gets to retire with millions of pounds worth of pension and perks rather than being sacked for gross incompetence and taking too many "free" lunches and dinners with folk who don't pay nearly enough tax, and is being replaced with the serially fucking useless Lin Homer, who presided over the Birmingham ballot-rigging and the UK Borders Agency fiascos.

Surely there has to be someone marginally capable they could promote instead of this twat?

The Penguin

Ugly Looking Woman Of The Week

2011-12-09T16:06:00.000Z

Arbeit macht frei, anyone?

The Penguin

So Much For The Wind Farms

2011-12-09T11:35:00.000Z

Proves just how useful they are.

Like a chocolate teapot.

The Penguin

Re-Writing Recent History?

2011-12-06T09:08:00.000Z

"Lord" Stevens, who was such a brilliant Commissar of the Metropolitan Police Farce has been asked by "Yvette" Balls to head up a talking shop to look into policing.

Is this the same top copper on whose watch an innocent electrician was murdered on an underground train - but no worries, promotions all round for the guilty parties?

Is this the same top copper on whose watch crime fell to such low levels that locksmiths in London were topping themselves because householders were able to leave their doors open?

Is this the same top copper on whose watch scum like Dodgy Dizai played the race card to achieve unwarranted promotion?

Is this the same top copper on whose watch the lucky denizens of London had a policeman permanently positioned on every street corner twenty-four seven?

Is this the same top copper on whose watch the initial enquiry into phone hacking was such a thorough-going success leading to loads of prosecutions and convictions and an end to sleaze in the tabloids?

Is this the same top copper who was so admired by his police authority that the Mayor of London begged him not to take early retirement?

Hmmmmmmm

The Penguin

What A Brilliant Choice!

2011-12-03T10:55:00.000Z

The thugs who run Bahrein have chosen most wisely.

If you want a whitewash, Yates ex-of the Yard is the man.

The Penguin

Progress Report

2011-11-21T09:28:00.000Z

A funeral fit for a pikey prince

Official Progess Report by The Commissar and The Chief Stooge

Into the Whitewash Cover Up Over The Perfectly Reasonable

Shooting Of Some Black Gangster.

We note that there has been some criticism of the way that our whitewash is progressing and would like to point out that it is of no help what so ever in making comments until our whitewash is complete and everyone has forgotten what the fuck is was all about. Just move along, nothing to see here, and the X-Factor is about to start, you would want to miss that now would you?

The Penguin

Grow A Spine, Dave!

2011-11-19T09:10:00.000Z

For Fuck's Sake, Dave, just tell the frumpy bitch to fuck the fuck off.

Put it in terms the cow can understand - they go for a Tobin Tax, Britain leaves the EUSSR. Immediately, non-negotiable. This will save us BILLIONS every fucking week. Not to mention the benefits for our farmers and fishermen.

And don't tell us that the Germans will refuse to sell us cars and dishwashers - and even if they did, there are other options.

So grow a spine and get popular in your own country!

The Penguin

That's It - The Frogs Are Doomed!!!

2011-11-11T08:58:00.000Z

The Curse Of Jonah has descended upon the cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

After being close to invisible for months, Gordoom McDoom has suddenly stepped out of the shadows and pronounced that France is next down the shitter of the Eurozone Economic Miracle.

They have no chance.

What a pity.

The Penguin

How Very Strange?

2011-10-29T11:26:00.000+01:00

"They Don't Like It Up Them, Captain Mainwaring, Sir!"

How strange that Saif Al-Islam Quaddafi is trying to negotiate a surrender to the cushy holiday camp in the Hague and to face war crimes charges there.

I mean, why on earth would he want to avoid being a martyr to the cause like good old dad?

Anyone would think he didn't fancy being beaten to a pulp and buggered with an iron rod before being shot.

The Penguin

Rot In Perpetuity

2011-10-25T17:12:00.001+01:00

The Goodbye Look *

So they have buried Mad Dog Quaddafi and his son in unmarked graves at a secret location, having avoided the costs and fuss of a trial and imprisonment by expediently bumping them off.

They have also created a whole new enterprise scheme for entrepreneurial Libyans, who can start up companies offering guided tours of the "secret graves".

Bloody smart, really.

The Penguin

*"With his stupid face, the glasses, and the gun"

More Stupidity, But No One Will Get The Sack

2011-10-15T09:22:00.001+01:00

"Move Along, No-one To Be Disciplined Here, Sir!"

We live in a time when calling 999 to report the theft of lead on a roof gets the response of "Sorry, it would be too dangerous for us to investigate because we'd have to use a ladder" and calling 999 to report an attack on a girl in a car gets allocated a 4-hour response target, but when some idiot reports a Canada Goose culled on a gold course the police farce swing into action, and the CPS waste public money prosecuting.

Fortunately in this case the magistrates threw it out, because:
1. The perpetrator had a perfectly valid shotgun licence
2. He had the requisite licenses to cull the goose for legal reasons
3. He had the permission of the golf course management to shoot on the premises

Ignoring the busy-body who reported it to the police, what is the mind-set of the police in bothering to pursue this whilst ignoring real crimes? It rather looks like the "go for the easy target" approach in my opinion.

The Penguin

PS Here's another fine example!

The Alice In Wonderland World Of Dave "Scoffer" Hartnett

2011-10-13T08:33:00.000+01:00

Must be fantastic (in every sense) to be Dave "Scoffer" Hartnett, the apparently unsackable twat in charge (!) of Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs.

Paid a modest £160,000 plus all the free lunches and dinners and overseas trips he can fit in between presiding over fuckup after farce after fuckup at HMRC, he shakes hands on a deal to let those Masters of The Universe Goldman Sachs off a paltry £10 million quid after five years of being buggered about, and then blatantly lies to the Parliamentary Committe, saying he doesn't have anything to do with their tax affairs.

I'd have thought £10 million quid was quite a lot to do with their tax affairs, and even that useless hypocrite Margaret "No Kiddy Fiddling Here" Hodge suggested he was lying.

Turns out he was just dragged into the room to kiss their ring-pieces because his junior staff had upset them, and no other senior official knew anything about tax, so it had to be him. As, apparently, it often has to be. Luckily in this tim eof cutbacks and austerity they are recruiting 2 more Commissioners who they hope might know something about tax. I don't suppose that means they'll be sacking the others, sadly.

Never mind, I'm sure the huge increase in the penalty regime for ordinary tax payers being a few days late filing returns or getting confused over the complicated rules and regulations will be used wisely to pay these chaps inflated salaries and expenses. It won't be wasted at a tax office near you, where you used to be able to go for help and advice, they've been closed.

Cunts.

The Penguin

Working His Nuts Off?

2011-10-08T09:13:00.000+01:00

Nice work if you can get it, Chief Cuntstable.

High time we had elected Police Commissioners answerable to the local people whose taxes pay for these trough pigs.

The Penguin

How To End The Recession

2011-09-27T16:45:00.001+01:00

There's a blindingly obvious solution which could be implemented quite quickly.

Compulsory euthanasia for anyone over 75.

NHS saves money. Councils save money on care homes, lots of housing gets freed up so no need to build on the green belt, inheritances bring money into the economy. Funeral directors get rich and need more staff, creating jobs for those who used to work in care homes, hospital beds get freed up, DWP save a fortune on pensions and pension credits, pension companies get massive windfalls and can be taxed on them, and it could even be a green revolution using them as fuel in power stations rather than just the occasional council swimming pool warmed by the local crematorium.

After all, then there'd be loads of money for a decent innings over 5 years over the allotted 3 score and ten, rather than hanging on until the NHS can be bothered to bump you off through neglect and starvation if you're too bloody-minded to cop C-Diff or MRSA.

The Penguin

Our Reporter Made His Excuses And Left

2011-09-23T19:00:00.000+01:00

Not So Funny When It's You?

"Last night, when asked about the News International payments, Mr Wallis’s solicitor issued a statement alleging that information about his client had been leaked by Scotland Yard.

Phil Smith of Tuckers Solicitors said: “I confirm that we have today complained formally to The Metropolitan Police over the leaking of information from Operation Weeting to The Daily Telegraph.

“We object to the publication of any story based on this information which has been obtained from a source with no authority to place such information in the public domain. We will be pursuing this matter further.”"

Funny thing, that - the scumbag journalist and his legal team objecting to stories in the press resulting from leaked information....

The Penguin

Martin "Fluffy Bunny" McGuinness - The Truth

2011-09-23T14:14:00.000+01:00

"You'd better be careful, accidents happen you know!"

Martin McGuinness wants to become President of Ireland.

So his past as a commander in the Provisional IRA needs to be properly explained.

"I was in charge of flower arranging, that's all it ever was, and anyone saying different will have trouble walking after I've fucking knee-capped them. That's if they don't just disappear first!"

So now we know.

The Penguin

Fuckwit Jobsworth Of The Week

2011-09-21T17:06:00.000+01:00

"I'm Disappointed, She Was Guilty And Should Have Been Hung Drawn and Quartered!"

Congratulations to Councillor Clyde Loakes, Waltham Forest Council Cabinet Member for Environment, who still can't see common sense despite getting a severe kicking from a Crown Court Judge for wasting £15,000 on a pointless prosecution over the re-use of a cardboard box.

You Fuckwit!

The Penguin

Another Self-Inflicted PR Disaster For The Met

2011-09-17T14:05:00.001+01:00

Fuck me, will they never learn?

Not content with shooting innocent electricians because they were a tad sun-tanned, or brutally knocking down passing drunks, or lying their heads off about the circumstances in which some gangsta got himself shot and thereby causing the odd riot, the knobheads in blue have decided that they'll try and use the Official Secrets Act against journos at the Grauniad to find out who had the temerity to leak information about their completely crap non-investigation into the NoTW phone-hacking.

Did no-one think to say, "Guv, don't do it, the non-Murdoch press will crucify us!"

You'd think the new head boy would be keen to make a good start to his tenure - which he'd never have had if the storm of revulsion over the hacking revelations and anger over the lack of proper investigation had not forced some of the fat bastards at the top to "resign" and enjoy their pensions.

The Penguin

PS I was right.

Small Wonder That Plod Have Lost The Respect Of Joe Public

2011-09-17T09:44:00.000+01:00

Surprise, surprise, despite a torrent of criticism from the inquest and even from the normally supine Independent Police Complaints Commission, no disciplinary action will be taken against any of the useless plods who so badly failed in their duty to protect the victims of yob abuse.

Oddly enough, none of the yobs have ever been prosecuted.

High time for locally elected police chiefs who have the clout to kick arse and get the complacent arse-covering police establishment to do the job they are over-paid for but not actually doing.

What's the betting that if the victims had been Ethnic then the police and the local council would have acted very differently?

The Penguin

I Feel Sorry For The Pigs

2011-09-15T12:36:00.000+01:00

"Lord" Hanningfield has been arrested yet again over his expenses, this time by the local Essex plod, who are famously thorough, just ask Chris "Points" Huhne.

I wonder if the former pig farmer gave his poor porkers a fair chance at the trough, or did they have to wait until the greedy bastard had had his fill?

The Penguin

Common Sense Versus Big Business

2011-09-10T10:22:00.000+01:00

Genetically Modified Crops
- Ben says don't believe the spin!

I was talking to someone at DEFRA, and they happened to mention in passing:
'you know, we had a big presentation from the industry, and really,
GM crops will have to be allowed in if we're to feed everyone,
its the only way to solve the food crisis'

Now, this is complete and utter rubbish.

It is a line that has been put forward by the GM public relations people in the newspapers as well.
The reality is that these faceless corporations have sunk billions and billions of borrowed dollars developing these things, and whether they work or not, they are desperate to get some profit from them any way they can.

So they are lobbying the government to allow them to sell GM seed in the UK, using whatever the latest worry is. (Last year it was the need for higher vitamins in rice, then cheap drugs from corn, now the 'food crisis'. )
Once we plant GM crops there's no going back - the genes will escape into wild plants and other food crops.

We must all resist this cynical sales push.

Interestingly, Genetically modified crops are the agricultural equivalent of what has been going on with the banks.
The parallels are striking:

developed to create a profitable 'new market' where none existed before
massively hyped as a 'new way of doing things'
hard to understand, even by the regulators
so regulators accept industry assurances at face value
and not investigated or tested for safety before use.
potentially very dangerous to the public
designed to be costly to large numbers of 'little people' worldwide
designed to be profitable to just a handful of corporations in USA
very difficult to contain once the effects get out of control (a "systemic" risk)

And this briefing to the government is simply not true.
Forgetting all the arguments about toxicity and genetic pollution for the moment, concentrate on this simple fact:

GM crops will have LOWER yields than natural plants.

Why GM Crops will have Lower Yields

It's pretty obvious, looking at this diagram:

Here's a plant , making food from sunlight, as it ought to. It sits there, soaking up sunlight all summer, making grain or corn or whatever.

Now take that plant, and put in a poison gene from a bacteria. It is locked 'on', so that every bit of the plant has to use some of its energy making a toxic compound.

You can see that you are putting the same energy in, but of course some of that is diverted into making the toxin. Leaving LESS food for us to eat.

So there you are. Don't believe it, GM crops won't solve any crisis - they just want our money.

And they don't care if they poison us & destroy the eco-system (all that toxin might not be so great, you know) in the process.

GM crops pose a huge risk to the food chain.

GM foods have not been safety-tested, and should be resisted at all costs.

note : Ben studied genetic engineering at the Department of Plant Sciences in Cambridge.

The security of the worlds food supply is at stake here,
at risk to the same sort of short-term, ignorant, greedy fools who wrecked the banking system.

Postscript: I wrote this in 2008. In 2009 a scientific study by the UCS looking at two dozen different crop trials came to the same conclusion - GM Seeds do not increase yields.

From http://www.realseeds.co.uk/about.html
(The Penguin has an allotment!)

Favourable Odds

2011-09-09T08:09:00.001+01:00

Officially the odds are of 1 in 13,983,816 for the possibility of a National Lottery UK Lotto jackpot win - from their website.

However, the fucking numpties at NASA are happily predicting odds of just 3,200 to one that 55o kg of scrap metal will hit someone sometime in the next few months.

And you don't even have to buy a fucking ticket!

The Penguin

Mad Dog Quaddafi Smarter Than Jonah Brown

2011-09-08T18:26:00.000+01:00

He is completely barking mad, but the Mad Dog of Libya is still a fucking sight smarter than the Saviour Of The World (Starting In America), the invisible Member for Kirkcaldy Jonah Brown.

Quaddafi sold his gold at the top of the boom.

Jonah sold ours at rock bottom, the fuckwitted numpty.

The Penguin

Poor Old Cherie Loses Appeal

2011-09-03T08:50:00.000+01:00

No, not that sort of appeal, she's about as attractive as a particularly ugly bulldog chewing a wasp - but the Court of Appeal have given her a right slapping for letting a bloke caught with serious amounts of cocaine off with a suspended sentence, and have instead decided to bang him up for three and a half years.

Cherie's problem is that she's so used to getting away with all sorts of dodgy stuff herself that she is a soft touch when it comes to punishing other people. Not exactly what you want in a judge sitting in our laughable criminal justice system, is it?

Perhaps Ken Clarke could put her out of our misery?

The Penguin

Mad Old Bitch Strikes Again

2011-08-31T10:30:00.000+01:00

Fuck me but you know things are desperate when that mad meddling old harridan Vanessa Redgrave turns up with a camera man and a reporter.

You wouldn't want the pikeys in your garden, luvvie darling, so keep your fucking nose out.

The Penguin

What's The Betting He Was "Ethnic"?

2011-08-16T12:49:00.001+01:00

Another yoof dead.

I do hope he didn't pollute the gene pool before he went.

1. January 19th: Wing Juan Ho, 18, fatally stabbed in the chest at his home in Finsbury Park, north London - a 16-year-old youth, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has been charged with his murder and the attempted murder of the victim's mum and dad

2. January 20th: schoolboy Kasey Gordon, 15, from the Green Lanes area of Harringay, fatally stabbed yards from the gates of Park View Academy school in Tottenham, north London, where he was a pupil - a 33-year-old man has been charged with his murder

3.January 24th: student Ezekiel Amosu, 17, was killed after being chased into the path of a double decker bus by a gang of muggers who tried to steal his mobile phone in Walthamstow, east London. A 15-year-old has been charged with manslaughter

4.January 29th: Daniel Graham, 18, repeatedly stabbed near East Dulwich railway station in south London after several youths were thrown out of a birthday party at nearby Dulwich Hamlet Football Club's ground when fighting broke out. Two teenagers have been charged with his murder

5. April 10th: schoolboy Negus McClean, 15, stabbed to death in Edmonton, north London

6. May 11th: Temidayo Fuwad Ogunneye, 15, fatally stabbed in Camberwell, south London

7. June 6th: business studies student Nana Darko-Frempong, 18, shot dead in a drive-by shooting near his home in Tulse Hill, south London

8. July 1st: schoolboy Yemurai Kanyangarara, 16, of Belvedere, south east London, had his throat slashed in nearby Welling

9. August 15th: Kelvin Chibueze, 17, from Croydon, fatally stabbed following a party in Ilford

The Penguin

Come On, Why This One?

2011-08-10T07:59:00.001+01:00

What on earth are all these feral black scum doing making a fuss because one of them got shot and died?

After all, it's not as it it is unusual? There's always reports in the news media about some black gangsta aged 17 being shot dead or shooting some innocent 3 year old in a shop because they are so thick they can't aim the gun properly.

Oh, right, it's because the dead hoodlum was shot by the Met?

Tough.

The Penguin

Out Of Time

2011-08-07T23:27:00.000+01:00

Sorry it's been quiet, I've been in a time-warp at Ragley Hall, at the Midlands History Festival since Wednesday ( even flippers can lend a hand....)

The Penguin

Nominations, Please, For Cunts Of The Year Awards

2011-07-31T12:22:00.001+01:00

Surely Have To Be Serious Contenders?

Now we are well past the half way marker, I think we should start to consider nominating potential prizewinners for our "Cunts Of The Year 2011" awards.

There are an infinite number of categories to nominate, for example Piers Morgan might possibly find himself nominated in a number of categories such as "Smug Cunt Of The Year" or "Lying Cunt Of The Year" - but it is a target-rich field in so many categories.

Please indicate which category you are choosing for your candidate or candidates - you can vote early and often! - and some rationale for your choice or choices would help us in selecting the winners.

Don't be shy - there are LOADS of cunts out there all desperate to get an award, so let's be generous and spread the appreciation we all have for these cunts as wide as possible.

The Penguin

How Much Water Do You Want In Your Bacon?

2011-07-26T17:54:00.001+01:00

Frankly, I much prefer my bacon without added water, that way I can fry it rather than boil it in a frying-pan.

So the idea of making it illegal to have any more than 5% water or else having to call it "Bacon with added Water" strikes me as being a step in the right direction.

Cue squeals of rubbish from the British Rip-Off Consortium. "Customers won't like it, it won't be all wet and white-flecked and slimy. They are too stupid to care that we shove 15% or even 22% of added water in to bulk it up and make it weigh more so they pay loads more money for less real bacon, we've been doing this for so long they don'y know any better and won't appreciate it without all that water!"

Cunts.

The Penguin

Still Plenty Of Shit To Go Round

2011-07-26T08:38:00.000+01:00

I watched the "Dispatches" programme about how Dirty Rupe corrupted the government and the police. It is pretty obvious that this scandal still has plenty of life in it, and there are plenty of targets to throw the shit at.

Wonderful to see how well some of these creeps are being made to look like the scum they are - Andy Heyman, Yates No Longer Of The Yard, Lord Useless Macdonald. Lord Spineless Goldsmith, Snotgobbler McBruin, Phony Bliar....

More popcorn, please!

The Penguin

Consulting His Lawyers, I Hope

2011-07-20T12:38:00.000+01:00

If I were Berky The Squeaker, nominally in charge of the trough-circus known as Parliament, I would be expecting to hear very soon from top legal eagles representing an old age pensioner who was physically attacked whilst attending an official Parliamentary committee meeting on the Parliamentary estate, in full view of live television cameras.

Probably on a conditional fee basis.

Out of court settlement and gagging order, naturally.

The Penguin

Room At The Top

2011-07-19T11:51:00.000+01:00

The Titans Of The Past Share Some Smug Smirks

Oh dear, seems there's such a dearth of decent candidates that the Met have been forced to promote Cressida Dickhead, famous for her bungled management of the police operation that killed an innocent electrician thought to be guilty of having a bit of a suntan.

If only they still had Ali Dizaei to call upon. Or his mate Tariq Guffaw...

The Penguin

Best Show On Earth

2011-07-15T08:51:00.000+01:00

As the revelations of collusion and corruption and desperate over-chumminess between the politicians, the press, and the police continue to unravel in a blaze of publicity, trashing reputations and showing all involved to be less than fit to hold any public office or position of influence, it occurs to me that this is probably the Greatest Show On Earth.

Pass the popcorn!

The Penguin

My Revenge, By James Gordon Brown

2011-07-14T11:44:00.002+01:00

"Fellow Parliamentarians, I have come down from my mountain retreat to slay the wicked evil dragon that is the Murdoch Empire. I was prevented from doing this while I was in government because I was desperate for their support for my fuckwitted schemes such as selling all the gold as cheaply as possible and wrecking other peoples' pensions.

I was forced to crawl and suck their nasty rancid cocks because they wielded such power and influence and had made a right mockery of the Welsh windbag, and I knew I was an even more obvious target, what with my nose-picking and the issue with the nappies and the rocking-horse. So I invited a raft of evil journalists to the funeral of my poor dead baby, and when that evil hag with the red hair called to discuss running a story about my son having even less spine than I have I wept tears of rage and fury at my cowardice. So I went along to the wicked witch's wedding and invited her and the wife and daughter of the Evil Emperor over for a pyjama party with my wife at Chequers. But all the time I was trying to resist their complete domination of the media.

It was only the advice of my senior civil servants and a whole raft of colleagues in government that stopped me from setting up a full public inquiry, lead by some old tosser like Lord Hutton of Whitewash, to enquire into rumours that Hugh Grant was overheard ordering a take-away chinese meal. They were even more afraid than I was, and so it came to nothing.

But after the Sun turned on me, ruining my conference triumph and supporting the old Etonian flash git, I decided that I had nothing to lose, other than the election, and so I started keeping a record of all the nasty things that they said about me. And I can tell you, here today in this place of power and privilege, that they said lots of nasty things. I would have sued them for libel, but they were all true.

Which is why I am glad that they are currently in the shit and I am able at last to say that I don't really like them."

From Hansard -ish!

The Penguin

Why Are So Many Journalists Such Pond-Life?

2011-07-11T14:12:00.000+01:00

Why is it that so many journalists are such moral-free zones?

It's not just the "Tabloid Scum" it's the fucking disgusting hypocrites at the so-called "intellectual" progressive (???) broadshits such as the deluded Polly Twatbee and the know-it all and only 16 and three quarters Johann Hari...now exposed as a complete plagiarist and wanker, and not before time.

The Penguin

Especially For The Gullible and Inadequate - Cash Only

2011-06-30T17:32:00.000+01:00

Fancy having your scrotum pumped up with silicone sealant? Only £120, no guarantees and don't even think of asking to see my qualifications. Just pop along to my crummy flat, mind the cats, drop your keks and spread them....

Oh, I also offer a deep tanning service using finest quality creosote. And never mind that painful hot wax wax brazilian, I have an industrial strength paint stripper will do the job in half the time...

The Penguin

A Very Simple Defence, Gentlemen

2011-06-27T18:51:00.000+01:00

The Chemical Industry Chiefs and the Banana Bosses have a very simple and easy way to prove to the world (and especially to judges in Louisiana) that there is no ill-effect associated with serial exposure to banned chemical DBCP.

They should line up to be sprayed with it on a daily basis for several months, no protective clothing or masks ahould be required - after all, the plantation workers had none.

Somehow I can't see them volunteering.

Shame they can't be compelled!

The Penguin

Nu-Liebore's Dream Ticket?

2011-06-24T18:48:00.000+01:00

What a pair they make!!! Surely a match made in heaven?

The Penguin

How Can This Be News?

2011-06-22T17:23:00.000+01:00

Headline and article in the Daily Torygraph -

The world's oldest person dies in Brazil

Well, bugger me, how unusual. I mean, it's not like anyone's going to hold that record for long, is it?

The Penguin

It's Not An Oversight, Or A Mistake, It's Called Theft!

2011-06-21T08:08:00.000+01:00

Jumped up little pip-squeak Denis McShit is trying to wriggle out of yet more evidence of his over-enthusiasm for the trough.

Not content with taking the piss by charging £125,000 for the use of his garage as a constituency office, and having charged the maximum possible round sums for cleaning until the requirement for receipts saw a dramatic drop in dusting and polishing (£250 a month to £24, just below the threshold for receipts, nothing dodgy about that, really!), and having lots of translation done by his brother at our expense, the greedy shit-stain over-egged the total on his expenses claims by a nice round £250 month after fucking month and the numpties in the House of Commons fees office didn't check the arithmetic 14 times despite picking the error up on 3 occasions.

One mistake, possibly. 17 mistakes on the trot, unbelievable.

Then there's his side-line in flogging lap-tops...hope he's declared the profits on his tax returns.

The Penguin

Little Hitler

2011-06-17T19:14:00.000+01:00

Caught - hope they throw the book at him (and then check his immigration status!)

The Penguin

Still Troughing After All These Years

2011-06-16T18:08:00.000+01:00

"I can't afford to pay my way!"

Frank Dobson, possibly the most ineffectual cabinet minister EVER, is continuing to live with his socialist snout deep in the trough whilst hypocritically complaining about proposed changes to the welfare madhouse.

He and his ghastly spouse rake in well over £100,000 a year and yet he demands to continue to have subsidised council housing in a posh block in Camden, where he used to be the Labour leader on the council. I think an investigation into how come the useless bastard ever qualified for any council property let alone a fucking mansion flat in a seriously posh building should be investigated. And someone ought to take a close look at the assets this champagne socialist couple have managed to accumulate whilst enjoying subsidised living at taxpayers' and ratepayers' exoense all these years.

Does he own a nice villa in Tuscany, close to dear mad Polly? I think we should find out, before stringing them up on lamp posts outside their "council flat" as an example to others.

The Penguin

Remember The Fast Show?

2011-06-11T16:32:00.000+01:00

"There was no plot!"

In particular, the politician who was in total denial about the bleeding obvious?

Looks like real life is immitating art.

The Penguin

Doing A Good Job

2011-06-10T09:17:00.000+01:00

Top Trougher Piggin Wiggins

Check out the efforts of Jim Miller to shine a light on the corruption that seems to be endemic in Herefordshire, where the local MP is none other than Piggin Wiggins.

It's at http://anexpensesaccount.blogspot.com/

The Penguin

Why Is The Cover-Up Continuing?

2011-06-09T13:07:00.000+01:00

"The Bloke From MI5 Told Me It's A Suicide, Sergeant!"

Something really shocking and of on-going significance has to lie behind the continuing attempts by the government to whitewash the death of Dr David Kelly.

I just can't understand what it might be, unless they have proof that it was the late sainted Princess Diana's re-incarnated zombie with the assistance of the late Queen Mother that wielded the pen-knife.

Why on earth is the new administration not taking the simple route of rubbishing the Hutton Whitewash and throwing all that much deserved shit all over Teflon Tony, Bad Al, and Geoff Cunt?

Something stinks.

The Penguin

Thrash Some Sense Into Him!

2011-06-07T13:45:00.000+01:00

"Nothing whatsoever to do with the petro-dollars. Nothing!"

Perhaps fun-loving Max could get some of his well-paid-for friends to put the uniforms back on and thrash some sense into mad dwarf Bernie.

The Penguin

Mankind's Carbon Footprint Is Puny!

2011-06-06T12:13:00.000+01:00

Go on, see if you green-tinged lunatics can slap a carbon tax on volcanos!

The Penguin

Wriggle As Much As You Like!

2011-06-05T18:32:00.000+01:00

The Silly Cow Who Is Paying, The Accused, and The Bastard Who Is Getting Even Richer.

Unsurprisingly, Dominique Strauss-Kunt is spending loads of his wife's dough on top flight legal vultures and assorted PR scumbags and dodgy ex-CIA types as he wriggles and wriggles to try and escape the consequences of his actions.

Doesn't really matter, Dominique, you rancid old cock-happy elitist. Your reputation is shot no matter what verdict the legal process returns.

Although I would personally like you to spend a serious amount of time in prison avoiding Bubba and his friends...who may well take it personally that you tried to rape a black woman and then did everything you could to smear her reputation to save your own.

The Penguin

Over The Moon - Shame Peter's Under The Ground!

2011-05-28T11:43:00.002+01:00

Smirking Sharon Shoesmith and her stony-faced legal team are hoping to shaft the poor old tax-payer for loadsa dosh as compensation for the ill-advised and peremptory way in which that stupid twat Blinky Balls sacked her as some sort of macho exercise in populist soundbites.

While you are claiming to be "Over The Moon", you hard-hearted bitch, you might care to remember that poor little Peter Connelly is under the ground, and probably better off there that under your tender fucking care.

I hope you get bowel cancer.

The Penguin

Barry O'Bamah Returns Home In Triumph

2011-05-23T19:28:00.000+01:00

Bejasus, aincha just so proud to be Oirish as long lost waif Barry O'Bamah comes home to little Moneygall, County Offaly?

Next on his "keeping away from the troubles at home" world tour is China. He's working on finding the family connection, bound to be one if he looks hard enough.

The Penguin

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Prostitute.

2011-05-23T13:16:00.000+01:00

Well I never, what a surprise. Teflon Tony and Bad Al's pet poodle ~~spy-master~~ prostitute has landed a nice little earner with an oil company with considerable interests in carving up oilfields in Iraq.

Well done, Sir John Scarlett.

You unspeakable cunt.

The Penguin

Once A Hoon, Always A Hoon

2011-05-18T11:24:00.001+01:00

"£3,000 a day is just the start for Hoon work..."

Just as "Buff" Huhne is being crucified in the Media and abandoned by his colleagues, up pops "Buff" Hoon to add to the gaiety of the nation.

Lucky old "Buff" Hoon has wangled himself a highly paid position at defence contractor Augusta Westland, who were the incredibly lucky ONLY bidder for a lucrative contract to supply the Army with a new helicopter. There was talk at the time over how fishy this smelt, since there were cheaper alternatives that could have been delivered earlier, and the poor old foot soldiers were dying because of a lack of helicopters. It got even smellier when the MoD’s then permanent secretary Sir Kevin Tebbit joined AgustaWestland’s Italian parent, Finmeccanica, just over a year after the deal was agreed. Of course, Italy and corruption, how could anyone suspect such a thing in the land of Berlusconi?

Why on earth would any reputable company want to employ such a disgraced wanker as "Buff" Hoon unless they needed a toilet cleaner?

The Penguin

A Question Of Judgement

2011-05-17T18:56:00.000+01:00

How on earth can anyone possibly have any faith in Chris Huhne as a Cabinet Minister making important decisions which are likely to affect all of us?

After all, he has swapped a Brains ringer from Thunderbirds for a Desperate Dan look-a-like and thinks that this represents progress.

The Penguin

Reputation Completely Intact

2011-05-17T08:24:00.000+01:00

Ex-over-promoted dodgy race-card playing plod Ali Dizaei, a fine example of the Met's Alice-in-Wonderland human resources management, gets a re-trial after it turns out that his victim is also a dodgy character.

Such a shame he won't be able to call on the services of his old mucker.

However, the repellent Dizaei is correct - I still think he's a cunt.

The Penguin

Error Of Judgement?

2011-05-15T13:56:00.000+01:00

In 2008 Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of the IMF, admitted that he had an affair with a senior IMF official. He said he had made an “error of judgment”.

Now it seems the randy old goat has made another one.

Still, when he gets out of jail I'm sure the voters in France won't hold it against him.

The Penguin

Another Principled Socialist

2011-05-14T09:47:00.000+01:00

"Up The Workers!"

Anyone remember that firebrand of socialism, Arthur Scargill? Always banging on about unfairness and privilege, castigating the rich and the feather-bedded bosses...

It has been observed that when Arthur took the top job at the NUM he had a huge union and a tiny house, but by the time he retired he had a tiny union and a huge house - but it seems it was even better that that.

He'd also managed to wangle a rent-free flat in the exclusive Barbican "for life" paid for by his now emaciated union, who currently can't afford to have a president.

Naturally, the highly principled Arthur Scargill wants to stand by the amazingly generous clause in his contract of employment, amended a few months before he retired. Never mind that it is costing those few left in the NUM about £20 each per year for his ongoing perk.

The Penguin

One Laws For Them

2011-05-11T07:53:00.001+01:00

A Thief

Mr Laws has been found guilty of theft over six breaches of the rules in relation to his expense claims. Mr Laws, 45, was Chief Secretary to the Treasury for 17 days last May. He resigned after The Daily Telegraph reported that he had stolen more than £40,000 to pay to James Lundie, his rent-boy, despite MPs having been banned from paying rent to family members or partners since 2006.

It was also disclosed that he stole hundreds of pounds a month to cover bills for utilities and maintenance. In total, Mr Laws stole more than £100,000, despite providing virtually no documentary evidence in support of the claims.

After new rules were introduced demanding that MPs produce bills or receipts to back up such claims, Mr Laws’s claims dropped sharply. An initial inadequate investigation by police is understood to have been dropped and passed to John "Dr Dolittle" Lyon, the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner.

Mr Bold As A Lyon has spent almost a year trying to avoid examining the claims and is understood to have eventually concluded that Mr Laws stole lots of tax-payer's money.

Yesterday, a committee of MPs met to discuss how best they could let their thieving colleague off without any real punishment.

Mr Thieving Laws is an extremely well-off former banker.

Doubtless he'll soon return to the cabinet to rejoin the other criminals.

The Penguin

What's In A Name?

2011-05-09T14:36:00.000+01:00

Doesn't seem to matter how you spell it, Hoon or Huhne, the result is the same. A complete cunt.

The Penguin

Time To Send An E-mail!!!

2011-05-06T08:09:00.000+01:00

There seems to be a little local difficulty with some "travellers" down in Devon.

And what are the officials doing to assist the poor land owner get rid of the unwanted guests?

Nothing?

No, even worse that that - plod threatens him should he take direct action against them, and the Dartmoor National Park Authority have threatened him with a £20,000 fine if he doesn't get them off his land.

The gentleman in charge of the Planning and Sustainable Development Working Panel of this wonderful quango is Doctor Ian Mortimer.

You can contact him at ian.mortimer@dartmoor-npa.gov.uk
or
Home Address:43 Ford Street
Moretonhampstead
Newton Abbot
Devon
TQ13 8LN
Telephone: 01647 440153

I'm sure he'll be glad to hear what normal people think of his department's actions.

Cornwall & Devon Police Authority can be contacted here PolAuth@devonandcornwall.pnn.police.uk

They might be interested in how impressed we all are at their performance on behalf of the council tax paying "settled" community.

The Penguin

Hillary Admits It Was South Park

2011-05-05T17:56:00.000+01:00

"And then when we got to the bit where it's like "They've Killed Osama!" we all cheered and clapped..."

The Penguin

Bring On The Seals!

2011-05-05T14:15:00.000+01:00

You can easily understand why the Chief Handwringer of the Church of Englandshire is a tad concerned over the topping of Osama Bin Liner.

I mean, just look at the resemblance! Stick a turban on the Archbish, and stand well clear!

The Penguin

Sack The Useless Hag

2011-05-04T17:42:00.000+01:00

You just know things have gone too far when some unknown politician from Belgium, a completely artificial country without a functioning government, goes public in criticising the most ludicrously over-paid "High Representative", the hideous and never-elected Baroness Ashton.

Get rid, quickly. Or better still, leave the EUSSR.

The Penguin

Let Them Eat Of The Prawns Of The Sea

2011-05-03T08:10:00.000+01:00

Gone But Not Entirely!

Can't see what all the muslims are getting fussed over!

Dumping Osama into the briny Arabian Sea should be perfect for them. No costly shrine to build, maintain, secure, adminster - instead they can all share in the prawn curry.

The Penguin

Shame The Dean Didn't Tell Him To Fuck Off

2011-04-29T18:45:00.000+01:00

It seems that the Dean of Westminster Abbey takes Christian forgiveness seriously.

Otherwise he might have told the Squeaker and The Slapper to fuck off to Hackney.

The Penguin

The Police Farce

2011-04-27T12:00:00.000+01:00

Different Rules Apply?

Nothing to see here, just move along...

Problem with pikeys

Racial abuse

Front line policing

The Penguin

Knackered Of The Yard

2011-04-27T10:53:00.000+01:00

Covering himself in yet more glory, Deputy Commissar John "Knackered" Yates admits that under his stewardship the whitewash over the Screws phone-hacking only warned a paltry 36 people that they may have been targets, despite his many assurances to Parliamentary Select Committees of the Met's diligence and thoroughness.

The new broom put in charge has contacted some 4,000 people.

Still, this is the copper who failed to find any evidence of loans for peerages and who seems to spend a lot of his time in swanky restaurants with senior executives from News International.

The Penguin

Gagging Order's The Right Name!

2011-04-26T14:04:00.001+01:00

"Alice Miles has been a columnist at The Times since 1999.

After graduating from Southampton University she joined the Mail on Sunday as a trainee. Since then she has qualified as a barrister, been a political reporter for the Evening Standard and chief leader writer for the Express.

Alice lives in London and has a young daughter."

"Marr lives in East Sheen, London, with his wife, the political journalist Jackie Ashley of The Guardian, whom he married in August 1987 in Surrey. She is a daughter of the Labour life peer Lord Ashley of Stoke. The couple have a son and two daughters. "

I think I'd be inclined to gag if I had to shag that.

Mind you, if the child is not old Jug Ear's, then who was he sharing little Alice with? Or perhaps he was just a team player?

I wonder if he's asked for all those maintenance payments to be returned?

The Penguin

Very Wise

2011-04-24T09:52:00.000+01:00

There is now the faintest possibility of a long and happy marriage for Prince William and Kate Middleclass.

They have excluded Jonah from the guest list.

The Penguin

Paranoid Numpty Of The Year

2011-04-23T09:04:00.000+01:00

Step forward black headmistress Shirley Patterson, who somehow managed not only to take personal offence at a poster promoting a parent's meeting and stir up a council witch-hunt costing fuck knows how much, but has set back the cause of promoting black teachers by decades.

How on earth can the stupid woman think that a depiction of Charles Darwin, a victorian gentleman in a frock coat with a huge bushy white beard is supposed to be representing her, a frumpy lumpen middle-aged black woman with dodgy "designer" spectacles? And be so upset as to claim she felt intimidated and threatened?

At least the police declined to take her seriously, thank fuck for small mercies.

The Penguin

Pathologist For Sale, Slightly Soiled

2011-04-19T09:38:00.000+01:00

For Sale, or Hire, to the highest bidder, all offers considered, one dodgy pathologist with considerable track record, able to reach any conclusion that might be required to assist his client's best interests. Prepared to destroy evidence, change reports, lie under oath. Glowing references available from the Metropolitan Police.

Hopes to regain his accreditation in due course.

The Penguin

A Cautionary Tale

2011-04-15T11:42:00.003+01:00

If any of you have not yet read it, there's a cautionary tale over at the Raccoon Arms.

The Penguin

Save Some Money

2011-04-15T09:17:00.000+01:00

Liam Fox could save a good few quid with bugger-all downside by sacking the top echelons of the brylcreem brigade. Especially any one involved in the cluster-fuck "Typhoon Project" which has been such an inspiring example of mis-management it'll probably be in textbooks.

Not only behind project and vastly over-budget, the fuckwits didn't even know what they wanted the aeroplane to do. They spend massive amounts not in the original spec to equip it for air-to-ground attack in 2004, but then didn't bother training the pilots.

On March 9th Air Vice Marshal Stephen Hillier told the Public Accounts Committee thatthe RAF saw no reason to spend money giving Typhoon pilots “skills that we do not expect to deploy in operations”.

On March 19th the RAF deployed Typhoons to the Libya "engagement" and hastily rigged up one to bomb a tank the day before the PAC report came out.

Biggles is spinning in his grave.

The Penguin

Please, God, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-04-14T08:56:00.000+01:00

It is rumoured that Jonah McDoom wants to be the next managing directgor of the IMF.

Never mind the fact that he is supremely under-qualified for the post, or that his track record of fucking up financial regulation in the UK, flogging our gold at rock-bottom price, running the economy into the worse bust in history, picking his nose on camera, throwing tantrums, telling lies, and generally being a cunt - what about the Curse Of Jonah?

Within months, the IMF would be dead in the water...

The Penguin

Avoiding Tax Avoidance - MP's Special Exemption

2011-04-08T09:27:00.000+01:00

Copied directly from the Telegraph:

“Complex and at times draconian draft tax legislation, which has the potential to impact on any employee or employer in the UK, is contained in the Finance Bill.

“HM Revenue & Customs says that this legislation is only there to stop ‘tax avoidance’. However, Section 554E(8) specifically exempts members of the House of Commons and the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority from the new legislation in situations where they are actually caught by it.

“If the legislation is fair and proportional, what is the need for a specific exemption for members of the House of Commons? Why don’t they rely on the same arrangements that every other employer and employee in this country has to rely on?

“If the legislation only targets tax avoidance, why is there a need for a special exemption for MPs?”

Why indeed?

The Penguin

Cunstable Of The Month

2011-04-06T09:04:00.000+01:00

Despite it being such a target rich environment, April's "Cunstable Of The Month" award goes to Superintendent Gary Thompson of Gloucestershire's Plod, who seems to think that sending a helicopter, two vans, three patrol cars and two dog units to apprehend a couple who had helped themselves to some rubbish from an un-manned recycling centre, valued at 47 pence, is good policing and an appropriate use of resources.

If you were to report a burglary or some yobs throwing bricks at old people's windows, you be lucky to get any response at all.

No wonder normal folk can't be arsed with assisting the police.

The Penguin

Who's BeenTelling Porkies?

2011-04-05T11:31:00.000+01:00

In the unedifying tale of phone hacking and cover-ups, the closeness of Plod to the Gutter Press is being dragged into the light of day bit by stinking bit.

Now we have a good old fashioned public punch-up in front of the House of Commons Home Affairs Committee and the Committee on Culture, Media and Sport between little Yates Of The Yard, whose previous successes include failing to find any evidence for the Loans For Peerages scandal, and that stalwart lefty wanker, the DPP Keir Starmer QC.

It seems that little Yates has been telling massive porkies, and trying to use the DPP and his fucktards at the CPS as a fig-leaf. Only the DPP isn't happy about getting the blame, and so has dropped little Yates right in it. Isn't telling lies to Parliamentary Committees against the law?

Marvellous fun - who'd have thought something so dull as bugging John Prescott's phone could cause such gaiety?

The Penguin

Baden Powell Spinning In His Grave

2011-04-05T08:49:00.001+01:00

"Hands Up If You've Got The Condom Badge!"

Shame they can't link him up to the National Grid, he'd probably power a small town.

Did Dib, Dob Dob,
Put the Johnny
On Your Knob!

The Penguin

The Ranting Penguin

Please, Don't Pay Cash Says "Gobbler" Hartnett

Cheer Up, Says Sir Mervyn King

Highest Standards Of Probity?

That Osama Bin-And-Got-Himself-Shot Mission in 3D

Sunk Like The Italian Economy

Cameron The Brave!

At Last!! A Surprise Triumph For Ed Milipede

Gunboat Diplomacy 21st Century Style

Who Let This Pair Into The Country?

Don't Forget The Context

The Bankers' Forgery Exposed

At Last Some Good News About Bankers

Treacherous Bastard Still Lying To Protect His "Reputation"

Saving Money At The Sales

Time To Apologise, Tam Dalyell

Super Mario

Happy Christmas, You Huhne!

Quick!! Build Boris Island and Leave The EUSSR

Covering Up The Cover Up

The Kim Is Dead, Long Live The Kim

Awww, The Poor Trough Pig Is "Unfit" To Plead

Another Beneficial Side Effect

Another Incompetent Turd Keeps Floating To The Top

Ugly Looking Woman Of The Week

So Much For The Wind Farms

Re-Writing Recent History?

What A Brilliant Choice!

Progress Report

Grow A Spine, Dave!

That's It - The Frogs Are Doomed!!!

How Very Strange?

Rot In Perpetuity

More Stupidity, But No One Will Get The Sack

The Alice In Wonderland World Of Dave "Scoffer" Hartnett

Working His Nuts Off?

How To End The Recession

Our Reporter Made His Excuses And Left

Martin "Fluffy Bunny" McGuinness - The Truth

Fuckwit Jobsworth Of The Week

Another Self-Inflicted PR Disaster For The Met

Small Wonder That Plod Have Lost The Respect Of Joe Public

I Feel Sorry For The Pigs

Common Sense Versus Big Business

Genetically Modified Crops - Ben says don't believe the spin!

Favourable Odds

Mad Dog Quaddafi Smarter Than Jonah Brown

Poor Old Cherie Loses Appeal

Mad Old Bitch Strikes Again

What's The Betting He Was "Ethnic"?

Come On, Why This One?

Out Of Time

Nominations, Please, For Cunts Of The Year Awards

How Much Water Do You Want In Your Bacon?

Still Plenty Of Shit To Go Round

Consulting His Lawyers, I Hope

Room At The Top

Best Show On Earth

My Revenge, By James Gordon Brown

Why Are So Many Journalists Such Pond-Life?

Especially For The Gullible and Inadequate - Cash Only

A Very Simple Defence, Gentlemen

Nu-Liebore's Dream Ticket?

How Can This Be News?

The world's oldest person dies in Brazil

Well, bugger me, how unusual. I mean, it's not like anyone's going to hold that record for long, is it?

The Penguin

It's Not An Oversight, Or A Mistake, It's Called Theft!

Little Hitler

Still Troughing After All These Years

Remember The Fast Show?

Doing A Good Job

Why Is The Cover-Up Continuing?

Thrash Some Sense Into Him!

Mankind's Carbon Footprint Is Puny!

Wriggle As Much As You Like!

Over The Moon - Shame Peter's Under The Ground!

Barry O'Bamah Returns Home In Triumph

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Prostitute.

Once A Hoon, Always A Hoon

Genetically Modified Crops
- Ben says don't believe the spin!