Thursday, 30 August 2012

An Afghan Solution

Following the latest atrocities in Afghanistan, The Penguin would like to share his solution with the imbeciles who claim to be in charge of "Western Policy".

1. Get the fuck out.
2. Glass it over, saving a fortune on decommissioning all those excess nuclear weapons.
3. Tell the raving loonies in places like Yemen, Pakistan, and Saudi that you still have plenty
of missiles and warheads left, and that the oil can be extracted quite easily once they're incinerated and gone to their strict heaven complete with all those virgins.


The Penguin

Thursday, 23 August 2012

A Business Genius?

Nur Nadir, who at 28 is just 43 years younger than her convict husband, said her husband was a "business genius" and his wealth was a "direct result of his and his family's working morals and ethics".

"Face it," she said, "He got away with loads of dosh, the charges were just the tip of the iceberg. Then he has a nice break in the sunshine for 17 years until he's in poor health, and now he's going to enjoy the best of the NHS for a five year holiday all expenses paid. Fucking genius!!" 

The Penguin

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

What A Surprise, No One To Blame!

"What Do You Mean, I Look Like Lonely From Callan?"

Scotland Yard Commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe said: "We are carrying out an internal review, but given the fact that we are not only incapable of finding a dead body in a bin-bag three times out of four, and that we have trouble finding our back-side with both hands, we are unlikely to find anyone prepared to take the blame for this latest fuck-up.

However, it's not all bad this week - we have just managed to get Freddy Patel blamed for the Tomlinson manslaughter, diverting attention from our very own serial-thug PC Harwood, who has now been cleared in the courts and will soon be free to resume acts of extreme and unprovoked violence against the general public.

I might just keep my job since Boris doesn't want to risk more questions about losing senior managers on his watch, but my knighthood is looking a tad unlikely in the short-term."

The Penguin

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Todd's World

The world according to Congressman Todd Akin of Dimwit, Missouri, must be a wonderfully strange place.

Some of his views include:

You can't get pregnant if you are raped properly.
You might get pregnant if you are not properly raped.
You won't get raped if you are properly pregnant.
You will get properly shafted if you vote for a pregnant Democrat.
You will go straight to hell, pregnant or not, if you vote for a black Democrat.
Iran is one of the axes of evil.
George W. Bush never got pregnant from raping America.
You can rape some of the people all of the time and they will still vote for you.
My tax returns are none of your Goddam business.

Meanwhile "Gorgeous" George Galloway has declared that Congressman Akin merely forgot the correct etiquette, and he'll do much better next time he makes an extra insertion without asking.

The Penguin

Saturday, 11 August 2012

We're Very Sorry This Has Fucked My Career

Commander Neil Snafu of Scotland Yard has apologised for the failure of his officers to discover the dead body of 12-year old Tia Sharp in the house her 46 year-old grandmother Christine Sharp shared with a 37 year old criminal who had previously been shacked up with the child's mother, 30 year old Natalie Sharp, for more than a week after the girl was declared officially missing.

"We just could not take it seriously at first, " Commander Snafu confessed. "We thought it was something made up off of Jeremy Kyle, or out of the Daily Shite. I mean, look at the so-called family! We were gob-smacked that the missing girl wasn't pregnant herself, and were expecting her to pop up on Big Brother or My Big Fat Family With No Weddings or something. Eventually one of the neighbours started banging on about a nasty smell, and we found a body. I really want to apologise to my family, because this has totally fucked my career and the chances are they will be putting up with seeing a lot more of me while I'm on gardening leave waiting to retire early on  the sick. Luckily I'll keep the pension!"

The Penguin

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Cut Their Right Hands Off For A Second Offence!

When even the cossetted hand-wringers of the judiciary are declaring in open court that they would like to lock criminals up for longer but are prevented from doing so, you know the pendulum needs to swing in the other direction.

Sadly it will be too late to save this young lady from having her life blighted by these worthless cunts.

There's a very simple and effective solution that would also allow that hush-puppied old fraud Ken Clarke to keep reducing the prison population.

Cut their right hands off for any second offence. Even the fucking muzzies couldn't argue with that...

The Penguin

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Red-Handed Adair

 £188,000 a year to look the other way?

Oh dear, it seems that the wanker who has managed to escape all responsibility and blame for the financial meltdown and keep getting paid telephone numbers as some sort of "expert" in charge of regulating financial services and banking has traces of dog-shit on his feet of clay.

One has to wonder if his elevation to the peerage will ensure that the stench blows away before it taints his elegant nostrils...

Personally I wonder at his continued survival. What fucking skeletons in whose fucking closet does he know about?

The Penguin

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Stuffed To The Gunwhales?

Lord Cunt is delusional.

The 2012 supremo, Lord Coe, has insisted that the ticketing scandal will be resolved as the Games progress and said the venues have been ‘stuffed to the gunwales’.

The Penguin