Sunday, 30 November 2008

Where's Wally?

Now, here's the question.
Why do you never see the architects of our illegal war in Iraq and our ludicrous involvement in Afghanistan meeting the coffins of those killed there (often because of not having the right equipment!).

Are they embarrassed? Too Busy? Or completely lacking in moral fibre?

The Penguin

Friday, 28 November 2008

A Portrait Of Dorian Brown


Lies, Deceit, Treachery, Deviousness, Mendacity, Cowardice, Bias, Bigotry, Cunning, Disloyalty.

Foul Mouthed, Bad Tempered, Immoral, Reckless, Feckless, Arrogant and Ignorant.

The Penguin

Getting Their Priorities Wrong?

The news that 22 counter terrorist policemen were involved in the arrest and subsequent searching of homes and offices of front bench opposition spokesman Damien Green is not merely sinister, it is farcical.

On a day when there is a major terrorist atrocity in Bombay and it is possible that some of those involved have connections to the UK, and bearing in mind that MI5' status alert is at high or higher then what the fuckety fuck are the imbeciles in charge of policing doing allocating these presumably precious resources to trying to cover the government's flabby backside?

Have they nothing better to do?

And it's not just the useless Met, the Merseyside plod are no better led. How many policemen, how many hours, how much budget was taken up with the ludicrous harrassment of some BNP activists for distributing a leaflet already cleared by the CPS as being acceptable.

Or the tossers in Essex, see my previous rant. Or in Yorkshire and Lincolnshire who failed to follow up allegations of incest.

Or the imbeciles in Devon and Cornwall who arrested a father for allegedly slapping his son's leg on the word of a drunk who was incapable of making a proper statement?

I'm pretty sure that without too much effort I could find many many more examples, but I think the point is made. We have a politicised politically correct police service with incompetent management.

The Penguin

Thursday, 27 November 2008

The McBroon Pie Shop Saga

The McBroon Pie Shop Series – first published on Guido’s Comments.

the toilet seat at number 10 said


McBroon: " Morning Jimmy..."
Jimmy:" Got any pies laddie..."
McBroon:" Aye, have that Jimmy..."
Jimmy: " How much then.?...."
McBroon: " Good question Jimmy. Right now they are a quid plus 17.5% VAT, on the first of December they'll be a quid plus 15% VAT, on the first of January 2010 they'll be a quid plus 17.5% VAT and on the first of January 2011 they'll be a quid plus 18.5%. VAT."
Jimmy:" I just want to buy a pie you f'ing idiot....".
McBroon: " Exceptional circumstances call for exceptional measures.......and by the way Jimmy I forgot to mention the extra 0.5% increase in NI contributions so your pie net of VAT won't be a quid , it'll be more...."
Jimmy: " See you McBroon, your pies are crap...I'm aff down the chipper..."

November 25, 2008 8:56 PM

the toilet seat at number 10 said


Willy: "Morning's they pies doing?...."
McBroon: "I'm well fucked Willy, well's nae time for novices......"
Willy: "Whit dae you mean man... calm doon...a pie's a fucking pie for all that....."
McBroon: " Aye laddie but I had a wee scheme for changing the price and it's all blown up in my face....."
Willy: " Up or doon McBroon......."
McBroon: " A bit of both Willy......doon for a wee while, then up for a wee while and then up a wee bit more for a wee while more.... "
Willy: " Will that be 50 quarters of they prices going up or doon McBroon..."
McBroon: "(in song) Up doon shake it all aroun'....."
Willy:" McBroon there's a rare wee smell in your pie shop..............something must be aff....."
McBroon: " I cannae sell my pies trusts me any more.... I've lost my book-keeper.... says I'm a devious the punters are aff doon the Street at Osbornes and Camerons Chipper......bastards..............I've been here for ages........they're bloody novices...."
Willy:" I'm no surprised're a thieving lying bastard.....those nice young laddies down the chipper are no chipper in toon..."

November 25, 2008 10:10 PM

the toilet seat at number 10 said
Scene: THE McBROON PIE SHOP ( A Wee Visit)

McBroon: " Morning laddies..."
Men: " You'll be McBroon then...?"
McBroon: " Aye, I'm the one...50 years of growing'll be wanting one of my pies then?"
Men: " No....Trading Standards McBroon.......we've had a complaint.."
McBroon: " What!.....about my pies in toon."
Men: " Aye aboot your pies McBroon, and your prices.."
McBroon: " Best price in toon..............50 years of uninterrupted sales.."
Men: " Jimmy from the butchers tells us your charging VAT on your pies...."
McBroon: " No, no laddies, the price is all inclusive.."
Men: " Look you big numpty......there's nae VAT on're cheating the punters.."
McBroon: " I tell you it's an all inclusive price...."
Men: " Aye McBroon, an all inclusive price........ inclusive of tax at 17.5%, then 15%, then 17.5% and then 18.5%...."
McBroon: " Lighten up's just a wee joke have to read the small print on the wrapping."
Men: "The only joke here McBroon is your pies... the lasses doon the Institute say your pies are like an estate agent........full of air.."
McBroon: " But the chippy doon the way has cut its price by 2.5% ,so they must be charging VAT too.."
Men:"Rubbish McBroon.....those nice young laddies at the Osborne and Cameron Chipper just like to offer the punters a good deal.......... what's more McBroon, there's nae fibs on the wrapping....."
McBroon: "Sassenach bastards....."
Men: " You're on a caution McBroon're the only pie shop in Europe cheating the punters with VAT..."

November 26, 2008 10:32 AM

The Penguin said

Brown's Pies Exposed!!
A House of Commons committee has published a report into it's work investigating the ingredients contained in McBroon's infamous Pies.
In order of volume:
Hot Air
Class Hatred
Knob Cheese
They have declared them to be entirely fit for public consumption, since the general public have been stupid enough to swallow them for years.

The Penguin

November 26, 2008 10:43 AM

The toilet seat at number 10 said

McBROONS PIE SHOP ( Pienomics)

Willy: " A bit glum McBroon.."
McBroon: "Aye, am that Willy.."
Willy: "Pies sales doon then..."
McBroon: "Worse Willy...............I'm over-stocked, over-indebted, the arse has fallen out of the coo futures market and the Americans have given up burgers........"
Willy:" That's no your fault've been stiffed by the yanks.."
McBroon:"Aye Willy.........reckless bastards those yanks.......50 years of pie sales doon the drain.."
Willy: " What's with these coo futures McBroon?..
McBroon: "Been buying them for 11 years....I've mortgaged, remortgaged, sale and leasebacked the pie shop....up to my ears in debt....even worse, I've pawned the pie machine over at Darlings!..
Willy: "Calm doon McBroon....I've got a wee plan....'s called a stimulus.."
McBroon: " Like you get doon the WI Willy.."
Willy: " Naw McBroon...a fiscal stimulus...we'll get all your customers, their kids, grandkids,great grandkids, the whole toon to sign a contract to buy your pies in perpetuity..... in exchange you'll give them a 14% discount and pay this money to Darling and the bank as interest for your new loan secured against the pie sales for generations to come....."
McBroon: " Any risk wee man...?
Willy: "Risk McBroon.....don't be daft's called deferred'll be long stiff before the shit hits the fan.."
McBroon: " What about those bright young laddies doon the Osborne and Cameron Chipper?.."
Willy: "Bloody novices McBroon......they've no alternative to the McBroon Pie Bailout..."
McBroon: " I'm up for it wee man...fancy a bevvy?"

November 26, 2008 6:54 PM

the toilet seat at number 10 said

THE McBROON PIE SHOP (More Pienomics)

Willy: " Evening's the stimulus plan doing?"
McBroon: "50 quarters of uninterrupted growth ....oh sorry Willy, your one of us...those sassenach bastards doon the Osborne & Cameron Chipper are rubbishing the bailout.."
Willy: "Ignore them McBroon..."
McBroon: "Posh Dave says I'll never sign up enough
punters to my discount pie purchase plan to pay off the new loan.."
Willy: " Hard hearted bastards..they're The Do Nothing Chipper....just want McBroons Pie Shop to fold so they can capture all the takeaway trade..."
McBroon: " Good line that Willy....The Do Nothing Chipper...text all the pie shop supporters to get them on message..."
Willy: " Will do McBroon....posh they offer silver service doon their chipper...prats.."
McBroon: "Well said Willy...stay on message.."
McBroon/Willy: (In unison) " The Do Nothing Chipper, The Do Nothing Chipper, The Do Nothing Chipper..... "

November 26, 2008 8:38 PM

John Prescott said

I'll be visitin' the McBroon pie shop tomorrow.
Hurry while stocks last.

November 26, 2008 8:59 PM

The toilet seat at number 10 said


McBroon: " Willy.........not too late I hope?"
Willy: "Hard working families..........och its you McBroon.."
McBroon. " We need to get Prescott....."
Willy: " Blue skies thinking McBroon....he's the ideal punter to sign up to the McBroon Discounted Pie Purchase Bailout Plan...."

November 26, 2008 9:54 PM

The Penguin said

Down at the McBroon Pie Shop

Trading Standards Officer "Are you Mr. McBroon?"
McB "Yes, it is I, McBroon, the Supreme Pie Maker of the Western World. What can you do for me?"
TSO "We have had a lot of complaints concerning the ingredients in your pies and the misleading small print on the packaging. Specifically, the packaging does not mention Lies, Snot, Bogeys, and Knob Cheese, although our laboratory tests show that these comprise almost 55% of the total ingredients, the rest being alternatively waffle, bluster, and hot air."
McB "But this is the Way Forward for trhe Future of Pies! The Whole World is behind me on this, except for the do-nothing novices down at the chippie! Bow Down Before Me, Worship My Pies!"
TSO "I'm afraid that is just not true, McBroon, the Germans have just enacted legislation to outlaw any pie makers from copying your recipe, and banning any imports of your pies. They have in fact labelled your pies as toxic sub-prime pies. And as anyone who can read a newspaper and not rely on the Biased Broadacasting Cunts knows, where Germany leads the rest of the EUSSR will follow (or not get any subsidies)"
McB "Lalalalalalalalalala! I'm not listening!"
TSO "Have you not noticed the lack of customers in here of late? A sorry contrast to the queues at Dave's Chippie! Does that not tell you anything?"
McB "Hahahahahahahahahaha!"
TSO "Have it your own way, then, you mad deluded cunt. I'll be back with a closure order, assuming you don't go bust before that can be arranged."

To be continued -
The Penguin

November 27, 2008 10:34 AM

Gordon Brown the Pieman said

LOL @ The Penguin

"we won't be going back to the dark old days of the Tories when there were huge pie shortages. In fact, we have doubled investment in pie production since 1997, oh yes, oh yes, we we we we have doubled pie investment since 1997.
No longer will we have the huge queues like we had in the 80s, outside the Notting Hill Pie Shop (now Starbucks). In fact, I am taking people from those queues and increasing the number of staff selling these pies.
There are half a million pies available (only 3 pies are shown on display in the shop) etc etc...."

November 27, 2008 10:43 AM

John Prescott said

Can I coom round? It'll be a shame to waste all them fookin'pies?

November 27, 2008 10:45 AM

The toilet seat at number 10 said

THE McBROON PIE SHOP ( The Chipper Fights Back)

McBroon sits in the lotus position repeating pie mantras ""no more empty pies, no more empty pies....50 years of pie sales, 50 years of pie sales.."
Doorbell rings, Willy enters...
Willy: "50 years of pie sales McBroon..."
McBroon: "Pies for hard working families... "
Willy: "Let's drop this soundbite shite McBroon need to ignore that Pierre bloke on the pie assembly line you hired from Brussels.. the plan is no working..."
McBroon: " No working?"
Willy: " Those posh gits doon the Chipper are's no longer the Osborne & Cameron Chipper.."
McBroon: " Rebranding!..always was a nasty wee chipper, always will be.."
Willy: " Listen McBroon...wee Jessie on the potato slicer tells me they were going to call themselves the No Chav Chipper.....but that big Dave bloke, he's no a daft laddie...says that's not inclusive ....wants a big tent chipper....they're going to call it The Cheeky Chaps Chipper..."
McBroon: " Bastards..."
Willy: " There's worse McBroon...they're saying the Discounted Pie Purchase Plan is just Pie in the Sky..."
McBroon: "Pie in the Sky.."
Willy: " Aye McBroon...there's more too...the European Pie Union wants all the comrades to sell McBroon Pie Bonds but the jerries, froggies and Mr Whippies aren't up for it...they don't like your Pie Bailout Plan.....Dave doon the Chipper says there never was anything new about your pies........ remember the wee pricing con with VAT you tried....big Dave is telling the toon your pies are the same old pies they've always been... the lasses at the Womans Institute agree...and they know a good pie..."
McBroon: "Sassenach bastards..."

November 27, 2008 10:58 AM

The Penguin said

Backroom at McBroon's Pie Shop

Willy knocks at the door, and Mr McBroon lets him in before closing and locking it.
W "What are you doing, McBroon?"
McB "I'm working on a new recipe for my world famous recession-busting pies. There's no truth to the idea that I'm feart and hiding away like McCavity's cat and letting wee Alistair take all the flack about the toxic pies!"
W "Och, Mr. McBroon, I'd never think that of you whilst you pay my wages!"
McB "My new recipe pies will be truly awful - I meant awesome! just misspoke myself there for a moment! And I'm shipping all the old stock of the sub-prime pies to Hull for disposal. Or recycling, let's give it a green sheen."
W "What are you going to put in the new pies, Mr. McBroon?"
McB "Debt, Willy, loads and loads of Debt, with some quango-juice"

To be continued
The Penguin

November 27, 2008 1:44 PM

Dragons Prescott said

"I'm thinking of collating the Pie Shop Series, what do you think?"

I'm in for 30% of the business and all I can eat.

November 27, 2008 2:16 PM

the toilet seat at number 10 said

(McBroon Visits The Cheeky Chaps Chipper)

Big Dave: " Afternoon....lightly battered line caught sole with double fried chips then.."
McBroon: "Pies for hard working families...."
Big Dave:" This is a chipper mate....."
McBroon: "No More empty pies..."
Big Dave: "Think you've got the wrong store guv.."
McBroon: " Investment in pies.."
Big Dave:" Can I get you a doctor ?"
McBroon: "50 quarters of stability for pies.."
Big Dave: " George (working on the books in the back shop)......there's a nutter here blathering on about pies....."
George:" That'll be McBroon fron McBroons Pie Shop...he's setting up a loan facility for hard pressed working families based on the revenue stream from pie sales for the next 300 years.....take my advice Dave and steer well clear..."
Big Dave: "Sound advice George...seems like a pie in the sky pyramid pie sales scam..."
McBroon: " Sassenach bastards.."

November 27, 2008 3:04 PM

The Penguin said

Scene: The Office at the back of McBroon’s Pie Shop

Contains a table, chair, filing cabinet. The telephone on the table is ringing.
McBroon shuffles in with his usual crab-like gait, which some attribute to being over-fisted when playing rugger bugger at an exclusive school in Scotlandshire in his youth.

McB “McBroon’s World Leading Pie Shop! How many Pies do you want to order? Oh, it’s you John!! How are you doing recycling that shipment of Pies I was good enough to send you? Half way through them? Excellent, that’s quick work! Is Pauline helping? No, well, she has a figure to think of. Anyway, what can I do for you? No, you can’t be serious!!! Woolworth’s gone bust!!! But Peter promised me he’d have a word with them and it’d all be all right! What am I going to do now with all these Pies now my high street distribution network is fucked?”

McB slams phone down and slumps into the chair like a sad sack of shit. He puts his head in his hands, and sobs.

Sarah, a rather thick set woman with a ginger beard enters the office. She goes to the filing cabinet and takes out a bottle and a spoon.

“Gordon!! Gordon!! Come on, it’s time for your medicine.”


The Penguin

November 27, 2008 3:49 PM

David said

Ring ring...
McBroon: Helloo McBroon's fine pies.
Angie: Ja hier ist Angela you are talking to. I hef that your pie shop is in de deep sheisse geheerden
McBroon: Nae not all. But exceptional times call for exceptional pies. We are bumping up the meat content with some tasty morrrsels we borrowed off this bloke doon the pub.
Ang: Ja but surely you should be doing vot ve are in de deutsche bratworst factory and using what meat you have to make smaller pies with less meat. Until there is some more meat available.
McBroon; Och yeer mad woman. Nae yin will borrow money from the bank tae buy pies like that thereby regenerating the pie industry.
Ang: Vot ist dis extra meat anyway.
McBroon: I hae nae idea but the bloke said I could borrow it without any hope of paying him back and it would make my pies the 'mutts nuts'
Ang: Hmmm GNNNNNNN ioiiik paaa spt (teutonic puking noises). Gordo you soft cunt you're gefucked. Your pies were always toxic now they are just bollocks....brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

November 27, 2008 4:40 PM

The Penguin said

At McBroon’s Pie Shop

Willy “ Come on McBroon, man, pull yerself together! It’s a recession, not the end of the world.”
McBroon “But Willy, all my life I’ve worked towards making Pies. I’ve given up on having a social life, real friends, even a proper family, and worked and worked and worked until I could get to be the Pie maker. And now, just as all my dreams are realised, no-one wants my Pies!”
Willy “ Now, now, Mr. McBroon, I’m sure someone somewhere wants your Pies. You just have to diversify and find new markets, same as they are doing at the Cheeky Chaps Chippie. Dave and George are offering quality products at fair prices and advertising in the local free newspaper with a pensioner’s special deal on a Friday. Could you not do that?”
McBroon “There’s no money left for advertising, and there’s no margin available to cut, I’ve spent so much on the CO2 there’s nothing left! Nothing!”
Willy “Could you not approach the previous proprietor for a wee loan to tide you over? After all, he seems to be doing very well since he handed the Pie Shop over to you?”
McBroon “Don’t you ever mention that bastard again! Fucking stopped me taking over and making the Pies for years, years when there was money about and Pies sold like hot pies. I wasted the best years of my life working for him, and now look! He’s swanning around the world selling books and talking bollocks after dinner and being paid millions and I’m stuck here with Pies no-one wants or can afford to buy. The utter cunt!”

At this juncture, dear reader, we feel it is only right to protect you from what happened next. We hope to be able to bring you more from the Pie Shop in due course, but can make no promises because, like Corrie, it is recorded live as it happens in real life.

The Penguin

November 27, 2008 5:59 PM

the toilet seat at number 10 said

(Help Arrives)

Willy: "McBroon I've got a wee plan.."
McBroon: "Pies for hard pressed families..."
Willy: "Cut the soundbites McBroon....Prezzie Elect Piedrama is going to help......he's sending Joe The Piemaker...."
McBroon: "Joe The Piemaker...just earlier you was saying the Yanks know nothing aboot pies...only those bloody pumpkin pies..."
Willy: "Aye, that's the point McBroon....a pies a's all in the presentation....naebody kens what's inside the pie........pumpkin or McBroon filling.......who cares.......think of it like a policy something a policy and the game is won.."
McBroon: "A bit like Pierre Le Porky Pie said...things can only get better.."
Willy: " Excatly big man....we'll get Joe the Piemaker to front up your Great Pie Bailout......."
McBroon: "Blue skies thinking Willy.......I present myself as a serious man with a serious plan and a hand picked expert.....this'll do for they sassenach bastards doon the Chipper.."
Willy: " Aye's all aboot presentation hell with the content.....just like your pies!"

November 27, 2008 8:48 PM

the toilet seat at number 10 said


(Preparations for the Pie 20 Summit at McBroons)

McBroon: " Evening Willy....this wee gathering of the Pie 20 will do for those sassenach bastards doon the Do Nothing Chipper.."
Willy: " Aye McBroon, too true..."
McBroon:" We need a new slogan..."
Willy: " You been listening to that Pierre Le Porky Pie laddie you hired from Brussels ?...."
McBroon: "Listen Willy...things can only get better ..Prescotts family are signed up to the Pie Bailout Plan...we need a new slogan...that Pie In The Sky Pyramid Pie Sales Scam rebuttal from the Chipper laddies is getting too much coverage...even that numpty Robinspin has taken it up.."
Willy: " Aye you're right there McBroon...the lass at the corner shop wants it up for Eurovision...."
McBroon: " Shut it Willy...get back on message.."
Willy. " McBroon, what aboot the great pie chief from said it's all their fault McBroons is arsed.."
McBroon: "So it is Willy...but they like pies...and there's a special relationship..."
Willy: " No true McBroon.......pumpkin pies,aye..... ...McBroons pies, no.."
McBroon: " They said the Pie Slump is all their fault and that's the end of it.."
Willy: " But..."
McBroon: "Nae ifs and buts's all their fault...feckless pumpkin eating get back on message and repeat after me:
"Piedrama said it's all their fault, all their, all their fault,
Piedrama said it's all their fault and McBroons fell doon..."

November 27, 2008 5:30 PM

the toilet seat at number 10 said


(The Morning Conference)

Willy: " McBroon have you read the Herald?"
McBroon: " Aye, have that laddie...."
Willy: " What's this aboot that Tory and they leaks.."
McBroon: " What?...has some bastard been after the recipe for oor pies..."
Willy: " Naw McBroon.......this stinks...just like your pies.."

November 28, 2008 9:19 AM

the toilet seat at number 10


( A Mea Culpa from the anorak scribbler responsible for commenting on life at McBroons)

Polis: " Your lifted pal..."
Anorak Scribbler: " Que?..."
Polis: "Your accused of scribbling shite aboot the Great Helmsman McBroon ...Your accused of threatening to reveal details of the top secret ingredients of his world famous pies..Your accused of making a public statement that his Great Pie Bailout Plan is a Pie In The Sky Pyramid Pie Sales Scam...Your nicked laddie.."

Help me! this the end of my pathetic commentary on the educated non-spin mongering elite who will guide a grateful nation through the swampy waters of the American Sub- Prime Pie Slump on the way to the sunny uplands of the New Jerusalem, the Third Way Paradise, a land of milk-less coos, of bees who've lost their honey making skills, a land of untold opportunity for outreach counsultants, diversity officers and shelve stackers..?

Maybe the Penguin has a view?

November 28, 2008 11:44 AM

The Penguin said


McBroon storms in, slamming the door and throwing a mobile phone at the wall.
"Sarah!!! SARAH!!! Where the fuck's my Medicine!!?!?!?!!
A portly fat-thighed woman in a tweed two piece suit enters from the back room, bearing a bottle and a spoon.
Sarah "Here you are, Mr. McBroon, why are you so upset?"
McBroon "You just can't get decent help these days and that's a fact!! That stupid cow with the big tits and five chins, Jacqui someone who I hired to look after the security of the pie shop, she only had to have a quiet word with the buying assistant to remind him not to go shooting his gob off about our secret ingredients. Instead the silly bitch has gone to the Polis and had him arrested, and the journalist he was supposed to be meeting. Trouble is, there's no bloody proof, and everyone is going to blame me for all the trouble and wasting of Polis time. Not to mention we won't get a decent write up in the press now, and the buying assistant is off down the Cheeky Chaps Chippie to a new job with better pay and prospects."
Sarah "Never mind, Mr. McBroon, have another dose of the medicine and I'll go and put the kettle on so we can have a nice cup of tea."

The Penguin

the toilet seat at number 10 said

(McBroon hatches a new wee plan)

After 9 hours doon the Polis this anorak scribbler has been released on bail without charge to appear before the magistrate in May 2010.

McBroon: " Willy, I've got a new wee plan.."
Willy:" What!...nae soundbites today McBroon.."
McBroon: "Shut it son...I'm gonna set up a wee sting operation using Pierre from pie assembly..."
Willy: " A sting McBroon..."
McBroon: "Aye Willy....Pierre met that wee bastard George, the book-keeper from the Chipper, in the boating pond at Blackpool....he's a holiday pal..."
Willy: "Aye?.."
McBroon: " We'll get Pierre to drop by the Chipper with one of my pies...a sort of gift...."
Willy: " Aye McBroon..a poisoned gift!"
McBroon: "That's the point Willy...there'll be a wee bug inside..."
Willy: " Nothing new there then McBroon...."
McBroon: " Shut it Willy.. ..naw a creepy crawly ...a listening device...we'll be able to listen in to all their expansion plans..."
Willy: " Is this kosher McBroon..."
McBroon: " Big Jackie doon the Polis says nae bother......remember Willy, if Pierre screws up, I had no prior knowledge..."
Willy: " Aye McBroon...leave it to me..."

November 28, 2008 12:41 PM

the toilet seat at number 10 said


( A visit from Counter Terrorism)

CT: "Are you McBroon?.."
McBroon: "Pies for hard pressed families..."
CT:"Shut it McBroon.....your well in the shite...
we've just been doon the Chipper...found one of your pies..."
McBroon: " That'll be right........a wee gift to say welcome to the Pie Street...."
CT: "Oh aye...they wus using it as a doorstop.."
McBroon: " Ungrateful bastards..."
CT: "McBroon ther's a wee problem with your's interfering with oor radio frequency..."
McBroon: "Look you f'ing idiots... a pie is a pie..."
CT: "Aye that'll be why every time we phone the office there's a message from your bloody pie saying Pies for Hard Pressed Families?.."
McBroon: " Willy.....get in here sharp laddie....did Pierre take a pie doon the Chipper..?.."
Willy: "Aye McBroon...the pie with the message..."
McBroon: " What you talking aboot man?.."
Willy: " You ken McBroon........ that pie with the recorded message ...."
McBroon: " Recorded message...!"
Willy: " Oh fuck McBroon...there's been a wee cock up......
McBroon: " I had no prior knowledge, I had no prior knowledge , I had no prior knowledge..."

November 28, 2008 2:03 PM

The Penguin said


After yet another set back Old One-Eye McBroon and his not so clever assistant Wee Willy "Ed" Balls are in the back office.

McBroon "What we need, Willy, is a new slogan"
Willy "So Weak?"
McBroon "Already been done, Willy, and didna work. People didna understand what it could possibly mean. No, we need something really snappy"
Willy "What about British Pies for British Workers?"
McBroon "Hmmmmm, I like the sound of that! Let's ask Sarah what she thinks! SARAH!!!"

Sarah enters the room.

Sarah "Yes, Mr. McBroon, is it time for your medication?"
McBroon "No, woman, little Willy here has come up with a flash new slogan. Go on Willy, tell her!"
Willy "British Pies for British Workers!"
Sarah "Will that not be a bit limiting, though? I mean, with all these people unemployed, on the sick, on the dole, or in quangos doing absolutely no real work at all, that's not leaving many folk who might be British Workers? Especially with all those foreigners here."
McBroon "Fuck it, back to the drawing board, Willy!"

The Penguin

the toilet seat at number 10 said


( Joe The Pie-maker Jets In)

McBroon: "You'll be Joe the Pie-maker..?"
Joe: " Shure am...nice little place you got here..."
McBroon. " Right.... President Piedrama tells me your an expert pie-maker..."
Joe: " A pie-maker!, no...I'm a plumber..."
McBroon: " A plumber!...Willy, in here quick laddie...this yank is no a pie-maker..........he's an f'ing plumber.."
Willy: " Calm doon McBroon...... I've got it......... ..remember what those bastards doon the Chipper were saying aboot you no fixing the roof over the pie kitchen?...."
McBroon: " Bastards.......aye, I remember well..."
Willy: " Problem solved then McBroon... get this Joe the plumber up on the roof to give it a once over and clear oot the gutter..."
McBroon: " Blue skies thinking Willy...those bastards doon the Chipper will have to drop that silly claim aboot me no fixing the roof!"

November 28, 2008 3:03 PM

The Penguin said


Bank Manager "Mr. McBroon, do you have a moment to spare?"
McBroon "Every waking moment I am working for Pies for British Workers, errr, no, hard working families. Have you brought me the money I asked for?"
Bank Manager "No, Mr. McBroon, I have not. That is what I need to talk to you about. You see, we have had our accounts people take a look at your published accounts, the loan application you submitted to us, and the books and records of the Pie Shop over the last few years, and I'm afraid we can't possibly lend you any money. In fact, we want our money back that we lent you last year, and we want it back by the end of the month."
McBroon "But Lord Mandlebum of Fuck and Hartlepool signed as guarantor on the application!"
Bank Manager " Well, I'm afraid that he has a very bad reputation in banking circles, and his name on the application did you no favours at all. The trouble is McBroon, your business has been built on an artificial bubble of debt, and is unsustainable in a recession when people are looking to cut down on spending and live within their means"
McBroon "But 60 years of quarter on quarter growth in Pie Production, does that count for nothing?"
Bank Manager "Not when the figures are proven to be complete fiction it doesn't. People want a product they can believe in, not Pies full of Lies and Hot Air and Snot. That's why we are happy to help the Cheeky Chap Chippie with it's expansion plans, it has a sound business model, a good reputation, and an excellent track record. Three things sadly missing at your Pie Shop, McBroon!"
McBroon "What ever shall I do?"
Bank Manager "Try a foreign investor, maybe a Russian Oligarch? I gather Lord Fondlebum knows a few! Or maybe some one from Arabia, after all they don't know about the pig's arseholes you slip into your Pies."
McBroon "Oh no, that buying assistant has been talking! I'm doomed!"
Bank Manager "By the end of the month, McBroon, or we take the shop and throw you out into the road!"

The Penguin

November 28, 2008 6:04 PM

the toilet seat at number 10 said

( A Week is a long time in Pienomics)

Discarded pie wrappers hang in the chill winds of recession at the quiet end of the street. McBroon and Willy sit hunched over a tepid bottle of Irn Bru, a single bulb glowing weakly overhead.Some pies sit disconsolately in the window display, a wee sprig of heather the only decoration.

McBroon: " Cheers Willy...."
Willy: " Are we aff soundbite McBroon...."
McBroon: " Aye we are that Willy, Pierre from pie assembly left for the night..."
Willy: " Cheers McBroon...."
McBroon: " Remember Willy when this end of street was the best shopping in toon...."
Willy: " Aye, I do that McBroon....full of shops..... everyone trading well...........and now..."
McBroon: " On one side we had the Nae Worth Nothing Pick n' Mix and, on the other side, IMF purveyors of fine kitchens ....pie sales were through the roof.......the wee till never stopped ringing.."
Willy: " It's just no fair McBroon...all the custom has moved doon the other end.....those posh bastards with their shiny new Chipper, stealing all our trade.."
McBroon: " Aye Willy, times have changed since the old owner left for his new career on the Rotary Club lecture circuit.... they say he's earning thoosands, writing a book and buying up repossessions..."
Willy: " Have another Bru McBroon, your spirits need lifting......"
McBroon: " Those bastards at the Cheeky Chaps Chipper promised no more Pie n' Chips exchanges at the traders association.....that big Dave bloke said this was a moment for pulling together.......a time for a Pie-Partisan approach...."
Willy: " Sleekit bastard...never trust someone who's studied Latin......he's big pals with the Mayor ....too much influence... I hear big Jackie left her job as heid of the Polis today...."
McBroon: " Aye... I heard she's taken over the Kebab under the railway arches...."
Willy: " The market did'nae like our first release of your Pie Bonds.....the laddies from the Chipper are telling all the toon it's a Pie in the Sky Pyramid Pie Scheme..."
McBroon: " Sassenach bastards.....what's more Willy, that American Joe the plumber guy who came to fix the roof...bloody joke.....there's leaks everywhere.."
Willy: " Cheer up McBroon....stay on message...the Toyko market opens bedtime Sunday...50 quarters of growth in pie sales cannae disappear overnight.."
McBroon: " Aye Willy.......a week is a long time in pienomics...."
Willy: " Fancy a takeaway McBroon..."
McBroon: " What ! doon that bloody Chipper..."
Willy: "Calm doon big man....over at big Jackies new Kebab place....the donners r' on me..."
McBroon and Willy switch of the light........ For Sale signs clatter against empty Shop fronts..........the smell of lightly battered line caught sole with double fried chips drifts up the street.........

November 28, 2008 8:42 PM

Who The Hell Is In Charge?

There's loads of stuff in the news which infuriates me today, from poor taunted lesbian soldier getting close to £200,000 compensation for hurt feelings (compared to miserly payments for soldiers wounded and crippled in action FFS ) to the stupidity of the system which made it a good "career choice" for some cunt to father children on his own poor abused daughters (and the social workers, health visitors, police, relatives, neighbours just let him get on with it!) .

However, one that really pisses me off big time is the stupidity involved in arresting and potentially prosecuting the law abiding and honest whilst letting the thief off with a caution. How the fuck is that setting any sort of an example, let alone satisfying any sort of justice whatsoever? What on earth were the fucking stupid politically correct numpty police offiers who started this fucking ball rolling thinking of? Who the fuck ingrained that much cuntishness into them? Have they been promoted yet?

And thanks to the fucking actions of the plods and the CPS the thief is now free (on legal fucking aid, or no-win no-fee fucking deal by some cunting solicitor ) to sue the man he stole from for his fucking hurt feelings.

You could not make it up and be believed!

The Penguin

Update: The plods and CPS have now brought charges.

A spokeswoman for Essex Police said: 'Four men have been charged with false imprisonment in connection with an incident in Witham on Friday, September 26.

'A 44-year-old from Little Maplestead, a 23-year-old Witham and two men aged 22 from Tolleshunt D'Arcy and Tiptree have been bailed to appear before Chelmsford Magistrates' Court on December 10.

'A 39-year-old from Colchester has received a police caution in relation to a complaint of theft made in relation to this incident.'

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Baby P Witch Hunt Bollocks

At a hastily convened talking-shop the chairperson on the LGA, Margaret Eaton, tried to defend the indefensible.

Haringey Council meanwhile continue to duck and dive to avoid having to sack the people responsible for failing to protect Peter Connolly, or having the guts to force the resignations of the councillors with oversight for Child Protection. Well, they have the previous experience of the Climbie fiasco to guide them.

The row is far from over, despite other things crowding it from the headlines. Lots of angry people on Facebook for instance.

The thing is, no new laws, rules, guidelines or systems are required. They already exist, what went wrong was the failure to follow or implement, through management inadequacies, financial considerations (court fees had gone up from £150 to over £4,000 to get a court order), under-funding and staff over-loading adding to incompetence and arrogance. Compounded by the cunts in government who were warned and did fuck all but shuffle the paperwork, and who are now trying to cover up their culpability.

I don't think it's anywhere near over yet.

The Penguin

Bring Back The Death Sentence

With some safeguards, but in cases proven beyond doubt, such as the Kohli case (confessed on TV in India, then made up ridiculous story to plead not guilty when extradited, the cunt) or the 13 year old scum who beat some bloke to death and then put the body on a bonfire, then hang the fuckers. Save a fortune in prison costs, and add a valuable deterrent.

The Penguin

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall...?

Who is the Ugliest of them all?

Bloody hard given the plethora of fucking ugly bastards to choose from!

Stephen Timms? The late Robin Cook? McNulty? The Snot Gobbler? Tessa Jowls? Yvette Cooper?
Margaret Beckett? Margaret Hodge?

Surely if being an ugly cunt was an Olympic Sport we'd be in for a gold medal if we fielded the current Liebore Government!

If anyone wants to bother to send me simple step by step idiot-proof instructions on how to set up a poll, I'd be grateful.

The Penguin

POLL RESULT Margaret Horse Face Beckett beats the Monocular Snot Gobbler!

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

For Fuck's Sake, Get Rid Of The Beard

No not the Snotgobbler, but Peter Gabriel.

The Penguin

Cry, My Beloved Country

What have the fucking wank-crew of Nu-Liebore cunts done to my country?

Everywhere you look, fucking devastation.

Education Education Education – fucked, fucked, fucked, with ever more pupils achieving ever higher grade passes but employers having to teach them to read and write. Every third rate polytechnic now dubbed a University, packed full of students busy mortgaging their future for a useless degree in Diversity Promotion or some similar useless rubbish which may qualify them for a non-job in the public sector.

Tough on Crime and the Causes of Crime. Fucking Right, prisons full to bursting, kids shot and stabbed left right and centre, 10,000 tasers as a Christmas Present to Plod, Community Plod-lite rather than real coppers, Black Police Federation milking the fucking system for large “compensation” hand-outs, Crime Stats fiddled, Judges hands tied on sentencing, ASBOs seen as badge of honour, and a series of absolutely fucking useless Home Secretaries ending up with Fat Jacqui Spliff and her daft ideas on prostitution.

The Armed Forces – fighting illegal wars without the right equipment, and funny how you never see a government minister at Brize Norton to welcome the coffins. Cunts.

Immigration! Arrrrrrrrrgh – rather telling how Lambeth “lost” 43 of its traffic wardens when they were going to be checked. I’m not racist, don’t even believe in the concept as we are all the human race, but I fucking object to having a Benefit System so soft and crap it attracts scum and lowlife from places like Somalia to come here and live at my expense while running drugs, robbing shops and banks, etc. and then the fucking HRA prevents them being sent back to Somalia ‘cos it’s too dangerous. Didn’t stop the scumbag that shot the WPC fucking off home to avoid arrest, did it?

EUSSR – Hand back Maggie’s Rebate, sign up to Lisbon ( but in a nice cowardly way) and do as Brussels says. Cunts. And look who they have had on the Big Fat Gravy Train…

Devolution – Yes, the Porridge Wogs and the Sheep Shaggers and The Bog Trotters can all have their own Parliaments, while we pay for them and have to put up with a Westminster Talking Shop run by Scottish Mafia such as Brown, Darling, Reid, Martin, Browne, Alexander, Blair, Rab C Nesbit (McCartney) etc.

A Joined Up Transport Policy – well, they put that fat buffoon Two Jags Prescott in charge, so what the fuck did anyone expect? Oh, and Steven Byers oversaw some train crashes. Fucking well done, you cunts.

Energy – now we are dependant on other countries to keep the lights on. We can’t even build our own Nuclear Power Stations, we have to buy them in from the fucking French. Another triumph for the government I don’t think.

Environment – ZNL have signed us up to the Global Warming Bollocks, enough said.

Ethical Foreign Policy – fucking right. Ask the Iraqis how ethical our foreign policy is. Backed up by a pile of lies and the odd dead government scientist, assisted by a supine main stream media, and the odd whitewashed enquiry, what is our foreign policy exactly? Apart from whatever George Bush said we were to do? After all, mustn’t spoil Bliar’s earning potential on the American celebrity speaking circuit, wouldn’t be fair after all he’s done for the good of the world, would it? Cunt.

The Economy – yeah, that’s right, they abolished boom and bust and put in place a far better system of financial regulation. Consequently we have a massive budget surplus, a strong pound, low taxes, high employment, a trading surplus with the rest of the world, and our pensions are secure. Like fuck we do.

The Health Service – 24 Hours To Save the NHS – billions and billions thrown into the NHS and for what? C Diff and MRSA rife, managers and administrators earning huge salaries, and targets and waiting lists etc fiddled. All new stuff on PFI so massive profits for the bankers and huge ongoing debts for our children and their children. Dentists leaving in droves. But never mind, you can call NHS Direct and that’ll make it all better.

Culture? Well, we had the Millenium Dome to enjoy at vast expense, and soon we’ll have the Olympics at even vaster expense. Oh, and the dumbing down of the BBC where fucking foul-mouthed cunts like Jonathan Ross earn £6 million a year from my TV Taxes and the News Service is pure Nu-Liebour Propaganda with arsewipes like Peston and Robinson and Marr.

Integrity in Public Life – Cash For Honours, Dodgy Donations, Bernie’s Bung, Moment of Madness, Whitewash after Whitewash, Mortgage Fraud, Shagging on the Job, Expenses Fiddles, Cherie’s Missing Ticket, Keith Vaz, Peter Hain, Wendy Alexander, Tessa Jowls Italian Job, Blunkett’s Blunders, Good Day To Bury Bad News.

I could go on, but it’s depressing. Especially when the cunts will have wonderful pensions even if they can’t all find cushy jobs related to their ministerial responsibilities.

The Penguin

Monday, 24 November 2008

Hello, Is That The IMF?

Is it the eyebrows? Are they cause or effect?

You'd have thought the wankers might have learned from the last time. They could have asked Sunny Jim if spending your way out of a recession from a position of high indebtedness worked out well.

Still, the cunts in charge will be all right, no matter what. The utter bastards,

The Penguin

The Great Gurner

Why on earth does anyone still think – if they ever did! – that Gordon Brown is fit to run a whelk stall, let alone the country and its economy?

This is, after all, the Prudent Chancellor who flogged off our gold reserves at such a price as to effectively lose more money than the ERM fiasco he so often uses to criticise the Conservatives (even though the dishonest bastard was all in favour of the ERM at the time).

Despite the advice of his officials he fucked over all the private pensions while ensuring that his own pension and those of his “client state” public servants are safe and secure.

He stealthily raised over 30 taxes, and has not run a balance budget since 2002. His was the 10p tax rate fuck up which he insisted for months was not going to hurt anyone in the teeth of the evidence to the contrary.

How many times did the delusional twat declare that there would be no more boom and bust?

How many times did he proclaim that he would not let house prices get out of control?

If the world markets believed in Gordon Brown’s competence, then why has sterling lost 30% of it’s value against the dollar in the last few months? And why is the Footsie 15% lower than it was when he became Chancellor?

Who was responsible for dismantling a perfectly good system of financial regulation and replacing it with the useless FSA at enormous cost – just look at the fucking salaries those wankers pull down for not doing a good job – and leading directly to the banking crisis we are so enjoying? No use saying it is all the fault of the Americans, our banks over-extended themselves under his useless regulatory system. The sub-prime mortgages are just a part of the problem.

Who has fiddled the figures time and time again? – no-one believes the inflation figures he trots out, or the debt figures, or any other figures he bangs on about.

Who excluded housing costs from inflation measures, thus forcing the Bank of England to keep interest rates low and leading to a massive credit splurge in the private sector?

Whose malign influence has left the armed forces so short of kit that the Army in Afghanistan and Iraq are called “The Borrowers” by the Americans? Who stripped money from budgets for prison building so that we now have to let criminals out early in order to have cells to put fresh criminals in? Who oversaw massive influxes of money into the NHS and Education without a proper plan to ensure that the money would be well spent, not thrown away on more layers of management and management consultants and daft unworkable IT systems?

Whose crappy “Tax Credit” system is so complicated and so expensive to administer that neither claimants or staff have a clue what they are due or doing?

That’s right, it was our very own snot gobbling son of the manse, with his moral compass and his vast experience of not much at all except tribal student politics and blagging his way into parties with a few empty tinnies and a brick.

The Penguin

The Police Farce

The conversion of the Police Force into the New Labour Stasi continues apace.

When they are not interfering with the right of citizens to stroll in the autumn sunshine, or arresting people and abusing them for leafletting, or man-handling elderly hecklers from political love-ins, they have little time to deal with real crimes.

However, you can rest assured that they will have time to train in the use of their new Tasers, which that fat cunt Jacqui Spliff is equipping them with so that they can cope with the expected wave of civil unrest as the wheels come off in Brown's economic "no more boom and bust" miracle.

The Penguin

Late News - Fat Jacqui's plan hits obstacle.

Two Rotten Boroughs Compared

There seems to be a bit of a difference in how two different rotten boroughs treat their staff over disciplinary matters.

In one, allowing a toddler to be tortured and killed despite him being on your books and being seen by numerous so-called professional social workers, health visitors, doctors and child minders leads to one or two written warnings (and a huge bill for PR and Legal whitewashing).

In another, forwarding on silly e-mails with a photoshopped image of a pathetic paedophile gets you the sack.

Oh Brave NuLabour World, that has such rotten boroughs in it.

The Penguin

Sunday, 23 November 2008

BBC Ignore Complaints

The BBC have bravely ignored thousands of complaints and are instead considering offering their wholehearted support for a 4th series to the comedians responsible for creating Little Britain ( from Great Britain! )

When asked to comment, one of the funny pair said "So Weak!" and the other just grunted.

A BBC spokesperson said they were all in favour of autistic licence and that they like to have the country on the edge.

The Penguin

PS Any doctors out there? Is the clown on the left exhibiting "wanker's cramp"? Or is he about to indulge in some heavy fisting? Or even "clunking"?

Nu-Labour Stasi At Work

The politicization of our once admired Police Farce continues apace.

Whilst I hold no great regard for the BNP, it is a legitimate political party in this country, and will have obtained careful advice and vetting on it's material. So this is political harrassment, plain and simple. No charges will ever be brought, and no one will ever be held accountable for this complete waste of the time and effort of the police involved. Who you and I might rightly think should have been doing something a bit more useful, like protecting the public, arresting criminals, patrolling the streets, stopping and searching suspects for knives, guns, drugs.

After all, Merseyside has the odd crime reported, I believe. And possibly they lack a 100% clear up rate?

The Penguin

£900 A Year TV Subscription

Speaker Martin, that well known and much admired bastion of Integrity and Impartiality, feted upon all sides for the skill and competence with which he discharges his office without fear of favour, spends and reclaims £900 a fucking year for "Television Subscriptions".

Let's assume that he actually has a standard BBC TV Licence, after all we can't imagine that such an upstanding public figure would break the law, any more than Cherie Bliar QC would travel on the railways without buying a ticket.

So that leaves approximately £760 a year to account for on "other channels".

Just what is he watching? Googling reveals that most expensive all option Sky Package is £47 a month, or £564 a year, so what is Speaker Martin spending the other £196 on? Pornography?

Mind you, having seen photographs of his wife, that is probably a necessity.

The Penguin

Follow The Money - Always

Yet another disgusting aspect to the Peter Connolly Atrocity emerges further into the light.
The costs of making an application to the Courts for an application to take a child into care went up inMay from £150 to a whopping £4,825 in May. Now, the dramatic decline in applications after that date may be just co-incidence, and I might be a flying pig, but it is unbelievable that Councils who have tight budgets (after all, all those snouts in the trough!!) would not want to limit the number of expensive applications that they made.

So, to save a few quid (tiny in the greater picture of waste and inefficiency that is local government as any fule no ) children's lives were put at greater risk. Result - Peter Connolly suffers more months of torture before he dies. Well Done, Haringey, that's saved a few quid for diversity jollies in Barcelona.

Again, purely co-incidence my fucking arse, there has been a dramatic rise in applications following the Peter Connolly Atrocity hitting the media.

So that's OK, trebles all round down at the Court House, where they are rolling in all that extra money.

The Penguin

The Trough is Just Not Big Enough

Not content with the way above average basic salary, the amazingly generous expenses and allowances (which allow the Balls family to leech £600,000 a year thanks to advantageous juggling of where they officially live as opposed to where they actually live) many MP's, ex-ministers, and Peer of the Realm find it necessary to add to their coffers by having jobs outside of Parliament.

Now, you might think that this should not be allowed, after all they are supposed to be there doing a job for the electorate, not treating it as a part time sinecure with marvellous pension rights and great networking opportunities as well as a subsidised bar where they can smoke if they want to.

But no, some of them can't even be as patient as Miranda Bliar and retire before they take advantage of their contacts and position.

Funnily enough, no-one from any of the political mainstream is making a fuss about this, despite it being morally repugnant, as it is "within the rules" and they are ALL AT IT. Here's a sorry little tales about a Tory MEP and his troughing.

The fucking greedy bastards.

The Penguin

If Only!

Whilst our discredited and accident-prone Met Commissar Sir Ian Bliar attempts to further tarnish his reputation by insisting on a very expensive portrait of his gloriousness be paid for by tax payers (after all, with just about a million quid fuck-off fee he can't afford to stump up himself, obviously - the memoirs might sell as badly as Gordon's Books on Cowardice, and that other Bliar has the after dinner gobshite market stitched up, and in a recession maybe banks can't afford any more useless non-execs ) a disgraced ex-Police Chief in Argentina shows rather more decency after being caught bang-to-rights.

What a shame it is unlikely to set a precedent here.

The Penguin

Saturday, 22 November 2008

The Taxpayer Takes It Up The Gary Glitter Again

Despite the hundreds of thousands rolling into his bank account from royalties on his hit records, convicted child abuser "Gary Glitter" is going to cost the hard-pressed taxpayers yet more money as he appeals against being on the Sex Offenders Register.

If they have not got the stomach for a public execution, why doesn't some one in authority act to cut down on wasteful government expenditure by having Paul Gadd take a walk in the woods, the Doctor Kelly solution?

Can't think of anyone who'd mourn.

The Penguin

School Visit

Kerry McCarthy failed to impress the pupils.

The Penguin

Well, Thank You Very Fucking Much

Thanks to the Human Rights Act, I will now have to pay taxes not only to give Tracey Connolly a holiday at Her Majesty's Pontins, but for a new identity, housing, and ongoing police protection.

Well, bearing in mind how well the authorities protected her son Peter I should think the prospect will fill her with confidence. Unlike the bastards who murdered Jamie Bulger, she is already an adult, so she wont change in appearance naturally as she grows up, it will be harder for her to hide. And then there is her flapping gob, will she be able to keep a secret or will she be blurting things out on Bebo?

Presumably the same will apply to the Barker Brothers.

I do wonder why the legal folk representing these scum are working so hard on their behalf, and how they can justify what they are doing.

The Penguin

Friday, 21 November 2008

Are You A Porker? Have An Extra Seat!

The lunatics are definitely in charge of the asylum. A Canadian Court has ruled that airlines must give obese lardarses a second seat FOR FREE FFS.

Now, I'm all for them having a second seat, even a third seat, stop their wobbly bits annoying or suffocating the poor sap in the next seats, makes perfect sense. But they should PAY for them, not be given them as a reward for winning the doughnut stuffing championship of Montreal sixteen years on the trot.

What about excess baggage? It's all right, miss, I've swallowed my suitcases, so I'll need a free extra seat.

The Penguin

Hot Yvette

Hmmmmmm, since I have some spare space on my (American ) web hosting service, I am tinkering with the idea of acquiring (when funds permit) a domain name along the lines of or similar, and then spending some time (sick bucket close to hand) Photoshopping ZNL wimmen's heads onto revolting photographic images of fat ugly old women ( you know the sort I mean!!) and setting up a virtual bordello.

Of course, to be fair to the fair sex, I would have to offer some hot gigolo action as well.

Naturally, I feel that local government are equally part of the problem and should therefore be treated in the same manner.

The Penguin

Coming soon to a site near you

It seems that tax payers money is to be thrown at creating hundreds and hundreds of new sites for travellers. You know, the decent hard-workingtax-paying law-abiding familes who Gordon is working night and day to do a good jobbie for, and to save them from the effects of the Global Shit Storm that is All America's Fault.

Local governments will be strong-armed into compulsory purchasing land and ignoring planning laws or the protection of greenbelt land.

Now, the question is - how many votes does the One Eyed SnotGobbling Scotch Cretin think are going to go ZNL's way because of this? As far as I can tell from my (limited) contacts with those of a genuine Romany background, registering on an electoral roll and voting are not high up on their list of interesting and worthwhile things to do. The other sorts of travellers, that get the Romany Community such a bad name, are also unlikely voters.

On the other side of the fence though, will be outraged householders and landowners. Who probably will vote.

So, if you are lucky enough to live in a Labour Marginal, you won't have to worry about any influx of caravans (unless Margaret Beckett is coming to campaign for your vote!)

The Penguin

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Couldn't happen to a nicer man

Sad news for Bernie "The Bung" Ecclestone, who didn't get his money's worth from Nu-Liebore but at least he got it back, unlike David Abrahams mis-directed generosity (apparently if they are ever forced to disgorge it it has to go into government coffers). Just as well as he will probably need it! Still, he can always pop round to see Max Mosley and they can cheer each other up with lashings of something or other.

To paraphrase Mrs Merton - "Tell me, what was it you saw in Billionaire Bernie Ecclestone?"

The Penguin

If Clarke had to go, what about Jacqui?

Charles "Jug Eared Pig" Clarke was forced out of the Home (Unfit for Purpose) Orifice because of the scandal over not deporting foreign criminals once they were let out early.

Now we have this.

So, who should go now, Jacqui or Jackie?

The Penguin

Madame Jacqui's Bunny Ranch

Following the anouncement that the Nu-Liebore Government is planning to fuck about with the law on prostitution so as to try and charge punters with rape if it turns out that their paid for liasion was with a person who had been trafficked, or a large stealth-tax penalty if controlled by a pimp, The Penguin wondered if instead the government should be considering going the German route of legalised licensed properly run "bunny ranches".

Maybe not such a good idea?

The Penguin

Haringey Council, A Shower of Labour Shit

Haringey Council's priorities are blindingly clear - keeping in power no matter what the cost. After all, they don't want to lose their place at the trough, and they obviously enjoy the trappings of and the exercise of power, as evidenced by the odious Shoesmith's vendetta against a faith school she thought was a bit too independent.

So I am not that surprised to learn that in the period that their Child Protection Services were failing to protect Baby Peter - and probably many more children supposedly in their care - they spent huge amounts on promoting themselves and letting everyone know what a wonderful job they were doing. £2.2 MILLION - not a paltry sum.

This is the council who also failed Victoria Climbie, and then proceeded to obstruct the enquiry into that atrocity to the extent that only one junior worker bee was sacked (to be re-instated later once the media spotlight had moved on to other matters, so that was OK ).

This is the council whose Leader took until 17th November to apologise for the Baby P tragedy.

This is the council who tried to smear and destroy whistle blower Nevres Kemal with entirely false allegations of child abuse - how disgustingly underhand is that?

This is the council whose Leader and chief executive had a meeting at the behest of local MP Lynne Featherstone to discuss the concerns raised by Nevres Kemal, and did NOTHING that might have save Peter or improved things for other abused children in Haringey.

This is the council where 19 doctors and health workers (supposedly professional people) saw Peter and still they failed to take him into care. Don't tell me they had inadequate evidence, or that there was not the power available to them to do something, as that is patently bollocks, all they lacked was the gumption. A failure of leadership.

This was the council where lead social worker Maria Ward had a case load that was 50% higher than the maximum permitted under its own guidelines, had 24% unfilled vacancies for social worker, but could spend £337,000 on a self promoting monthly magazine.

I could go on - and on, and on - but I think the point is made.

Unfit for purpose.

The Penguin

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

No need for a Public Enquiry, Nothing to See Here

Fucking hell, just discovered this.

Posted on CiF by "getridofem" in response to Guardian Comment asking for a public enquiry into Iraq War following Lord Bingham finding some backbone.

"Please allow me to (yet again) spell it out. There is now no such thing as a truly independent public inquiry in Britain. The Inquiries Act 2005 sees to that. Under this Act it is a Minister who decides to set up an inquiry; the Minister decided the terms of reference; the Minister appoints the person who will conduct the inquriy; the Minister can stop the inquiry; the Minister gets any report before anyone else and may direct that either all of it or part of it remain unpublished. Even after the report has been issued it is for Ministers to decide whether to accept or reject recommendations.

This odious and non-democractic Act was pushed through in 2005 (just before the general election) under a shabby deal between the Labour Party and the Tories.

In Northern Ireland, certain inquiries which commenced before the Inquiries Act 2005 were later "converted" into inquiries being held under the 2005 Act. [There is a "conversion procedure"].

Peter de Carteret Cory (, a disitnguished former judge of Canada's supreme court is on record as saying that no self-respecting judge would conduct an inquiry under this legislation.

Here is a link to the odious legislation referred to: "

Well, it'll save over-working poor Lord Hutton for the next whitewash, I suppose.


Left Hand, Right Hand

Two days, two stories of how the Police are making friends and influencing people.

Consistent? Sensible?

The problem is that the sort of children who are out of control because of a lack of parental discipline or care are not likely to respond to a stiff telling off by plod or anyone else, because of the stupid human rights nonsense and the PC left-wing do-goodery that has given all the rights and none of the responsibilities to the criminals and ne'er-do-wells whilst prosecuting and persecuting those who dare to stand up to them. I could trawl the net and find a dozen examples of the plod and the CPS pursuing these sort of nonsense cases, so could you.

Thanks a fucking bunch, Polly Toynbee and Co.

I'd bet there'd be a very different column in the Guardian if Polly were to be beaten up by scrotes she disturbed helping to re-distribute her riches.

The Penguin